I have someone to come in the mornings to transport Daddy to Adult Day Care and administer his meds.

I also have someone to come at night to give Dad his meds at the IL center. I've been trying to navigate the addition of oxygen, and I learned that his IL has someone that can help with it, but for an additional cost.

His IL bill is ridiculous and by the time we cover the Adult Daycare, paying the transportation and meds folks, he's stretched. I've had to come to the IL facility every evening (my job is in the evenings) to help Dad with the oxygen and they're threatening to fire me.

On top of that, he gets so nervous around me. He literally shakes. I'm sure he can sense my frustration. Yesterday, after asking him to stop while riding his scooter, he kept right going and sailed off the curb almost tipping over. My reaction: to yell: "I TOLD YOU TO STOP!!!!" I didn't mean to yell. I was just afraid he'd hurt himself.

I feel like the most awful person in the world. I yell at old cancer patients. I have NO patience whatsoever. I'm not a nice person. I'm always mad... at EVERYTHING.

I literally run everyone away because I bite everyone's head off. My father is AFRAID of me!

I just want all this to be over.

I see people that graciously take this task on. Most of the time I hate it.

I'm just tired of it all

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Tinyblu, that is good news. Sounds like you got a plan. Hope this is a win-win for everyone :)

Keep us up-to-date on how this is working.

Thanks everyone! Surprisingly, Dad seems to be a bit receptive. I solicited the help of the staff on the IL side of the facility, and they presented the move as a transition to an upgraded apartment (this is the least clinical looking AL facility I've seen. The rooms are HUGE and private!).

They also coached me on how to use this oxygen situation to sell the change. We told him that instead of worrying about managing switching to portable tanks when he needs to leave his apartment, he can just "mash the button" (I love that saying) and someone can help him whenever he wants.

I still don't think he fully understands that he won't be going to "work" daily, but the facility even offered to give him similar duties so he can "work" there. I feel like a weight is being lifted off my shoulder.

Let's just hope he remembers this conversation later...

Dip into his savings.. this is what they are for. I imagine he wants to "leave his fortune" to his family.. but if you die of stress.... Sometime we have to go back on what we promised.. for everyones benefits. Don;t feel guilty.

Bad daughter?? No way! You have analyzing from his perspective. You obviously are capable of a great amount of empathy and love your dad. You are looking for a way to make his life better, you are a great daughter now cut yourself a break and get on with having a great life. Implement your plan he will have to adjust as you have

No one ever gets to have the perfect life. It seems to me you have worked out some very good solutions to solve your problems.
Dad likes to go to "work", but the AL should have similar activities available to keep him occupied. Tell him the company is cutting back his hours due to the economy ;)

He might really like this aide, but she is a hired helper. I'm sure if she was given a chance for a better job elsewhere she wouldn't waste too much time worrying about your dad. It is an unfortunate reality that helpers come and go.

Above all you have a chance to take your life back. He will adjust. Good planning!

So my therapy session helped today... I think.

I have the option of placing Dad on the full Assisted Living side of the facility in which he currently resides (there's even a doctor's office on the premises) which could work with following changes:

1) Dad would only be able to "go to work" (that's what he calls the Adult Day Center he attends) on the days that the VA covers for free BUT Dad prefers to go 5 days a week, but the AL facility will take all of his monthly benefit except $200.

2) I would need to let the woman who administers Dad's morning meds and takes him to the Adult Day Center go. That would save $400/month BUT Dad really likes her and he wants to be the first person to arrive at "work". The VA covers free transportation to and from the ADC but he wouldn't arrive until 9 AM. The price of the AL facility covers nurses assisting him with his meds so that would be a duplication of efforts.

3) Dad would have to mingle more on the 3 days he's occupying the AL facility instead of going to "work". This is the hardest because he's so accustomed to me jumping through enormous hoops for his happiness.

Making the decision to go full AL and cutting back the Adult Day Care services would mean:

1) I would have more peace of mind knowing that they have 24 hour care to help him with his oxygen and other needs which could reduce the constant nightly phone calls to me (I could sleep better)

2) I could have the freedom to pursue a good paying full time job and relieve my current debt-related stress. I may even be able to reclaim a social life if I could get a job that pays me enough to eliminate the evening and weekend PT job I have.

So why am I struggling with this? I get "bad daughter" syndrome. Dad is going to HATE these changes and I'm sure my loving family will convince him that I'm putting him away.

He made me promise not to touch his considerable savings account, but with the expenses running so tight with this change, I may have to dip into them to supplement other needs.


Tiny, it seems to me that if you could get back into the workforce you would have the money to hire the help you need, you did say you had a high income career didn't you? Even if you spent every dime you make you would still be better off, as you would have health insurance, you would be contributing to your future pension, and you would not have to be giving hands on care. Find a way to make it work!

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