I get no emotional support from my husband while I'm caregiver for HIS Step-Father.


I was telling "G-Pa" it would be nice if he offered some money for gas to my husband since we had taken him to a party for his Aunt almost 2 hours away. We had used up 2 of our 4 day weekend to do something pleasant for him. Then I told him I would take him volunteer to take him more places if he would give me some gas money too now and then (he has given me none for almost 3 months) Well he turned around in the car and reemed me big time. Tellimg me well I will NEVER ask you to take me anywhere from now on, that's for sure. Then he proceeded to yell because I won't let him drive his car. I have NEVER even so much as insinuated that he couldn't drive. In fact I would be glad if he did drive. Then I told him well remember you told me after you got your car inspected you were very disoriented and didn't think it was a good idea for you to drive anymore? He FREAKED OUT and said "I NEVER said anything like thatQ" If I was not sure where I was, how did I get home then? My husband just kept driving the car like he hadn't heard a word of all this? Meanwhile I was so angry because he was lying like that about what I did or did not say. I just started crying, if we weren't on the Innerstate I would have gotten out of the car. I'm so tired of my husband not backing me up after all I've done (unpaid mind you) for HIS step-father. We even moved in 2 1/2 yrs ago so he could live in his own home. I'm about to permanently walk out, I cannot emotionally handle this any longer. I have a life too. I want to live in My own home. This is so wrong, on so many levels. My husband still refuses to talk about it. Any ideas?

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Well, my husband will have to show me he realizes I mean business and that his actions have definitely cause me emotional pain for a long time. He told me "maybe we can figure something out" MAYBE, WE?? All of a sudden there is a we instead of him working on his own? Not sure how that will work out, he changes how he does things after a major change effects him, but it's never lasted and he still will not go to therapy or AA so how much better will it be? Not much I'm afraid.
Thank you for your support Nancy. It means a lot knowing other people realize this is not something I would take lightly. We will be married 44 years on October 15th and already something else is more important to him. He is working on a project at work in CA and of course it falls on that date. What, he couldn't leave a day later? He won't speak up at work. He "could" say my wife and I are having problems and it would help a lot if you'd let me leave on Tuesday instead of the usual Monday. He won't let ANYONE at work know he has a problem with anything, saying it's none of their buisness. If it were me, and I thought I'd lose my husband over something that's correctable, I would do everything in my power if I really loved him to do something about it.
Any blank that needs filling in, just feel free to ask, as you can tell, I'm not shy. LOL. Thanks again. ((HUGS))
I had a appointment with my Psychologist this past Wednesday and we have been talking about this for a long time. She told me she is proud of me for standing up for myself and doing what is right for me, since my husband doesn't seem to know how to. She asked if she could give me a hug, (I thought that was so sweet of her) I said sure if that's not against the rules or something, she said it is with the men. I really needed a hug that day. I'll never forget how she has made me realize I was more or less being used and not cared for, which is very true.

Cara, I appreciate you filling in the blanks for us. For every action there is a reaction, and there should be consequences for someone's actions also. With that in mind, the consequences for your husband NOT being the one to protect and cherish you will have to be the loss of his family, namely you. So though I normally wouldn't suggest separation, you have my support.♥

JudymW; NancyH;
Thank you both for your input and encouragement.
I don't know how this will turn out in the long run. But to answer your question about living with my alcoholic husband for 43 years. It wasn't always THIS bad no. I married him when I was 18 and thought I loved him. But didn't realize how controlling he could be. I had to do everything his way and I lost myself in the process. Now he seems more like a long term emotionally abusive room mate. That's the only way I can explain how I feel about him. The drinking got really bad about 15 years ago or so. Before that he'd have a few beers now and then when friends came over or we'd go to a party or visit people. Then he discovered Manischevitz (sp) blackberry wine. Now for someone who doesn't like sweets this stuff is like syrup it's so sweet. I guess he enjoyed the feeling he got drinking it because every weekend he'd binge drink this stuff. Some people buy a 2 ltr bottle, but he found out it was way cheaper to buy it in cases of 4 gallons. It was nothing to see that bottle completely empty and another one started in a day or so. Then on Monday nights he'd go through withdrawl in his sleep, kicking, punching someone in his sleep. Then he starting punching and kicking me in his sleep. The last time that happened I held onto his foot to keep him from repeatedly kicking me because he was kicking so hard it was like he was fighting for his life. It scared the crap out of me. I'd never seen him that bad. I got out of bed to escape into the bathroom to keep from getting hit anymore, and he came after me and kicked me in the back. The force made me urinate all over the floor. So, that's the kind of stuff I deal with. It's not pretty.
The kicking in his sleep was AFTER he'd stopped drinking for 2 months.
While he was drinking he'd do odd things like while walking down the street with me beside our house (where I live now) he'd have his arm around me and all of a sudden put his hand down the back of my pants, in full view of any neighbors, and I would be mortified. And there were worse things I'd rather not go into.
Anyway I'm sure his brain has been damaged by all the alcohol abuse. Yes he did try to show how he felt by his actions, but not until I'd left the G-Pa's house and packed up to come down here.
He will be here on the weekend when he gets home from his trip for work. I'll let you know how it goes.
And by the way, no I didn't know he drank when I married him other than the stuff kids do when their parents aren't home, someone would sneek beer into the house etc. I never saw him drink before we got married i just heard stories.
He would do much better stopping his drinking if he'd get help from AA but he refuses any help, stopping is a good step but he needs to know the why of the drinking to be able to change the behavior that it has caused.
Good night, I'm beat. ((HUGS)) to you all.

Cara, Is it possible that your husband has been drinking long enough for it to permanently hurt his brain? When it seems to you that he's 'being dense' but in reality, it's because he CAN NOT understand or process the problem? Also, you said that he had stopped drinking cold turkey, so how does that factor into all of this? I personally know nothing about alcoholism, coming from a family of nondrinkers, but I've had enough friends who were either married to, or had family members that were alcoholics and it was awful. Amongst those, there have been rapes, had a gun shoved in their face, had to be the sole financial supporter, abuse, infidelity and the list goes on and on. Marriage is hard enough with a 'normal' spouse, I can't imagine what it's like living with an alcoholic. But you have done it for 43 years, so is it JUST the extra burden of your husband's step-father that is pushing you over the edge? Seems like to me, BOTH you and your husband need marriage counseling, and to move out of his step-fathers house or get the old man into asst living or whatever. So when you married your husband, you must have known he was a drinker to some extent right? Are you ready now to dump him and your marriage because you can't take his drinking anymore, or is it because of the old man? I very much doubt that your husband likes hearing all the fighting between you and his step-father, and that fact that he's trying to stop drinking amongst that, is amazing in my opinion. But admittedly, I know nothing about actually having to LIVE with an alcoholic. However, being married for 40 years myself to a guy that I met when I was 14, I do know a little about marriage. ♥

Hugs to you. I know men don't normally talk much but they still need to partisipate in a marriage. Good for you that you took a positive step for yourself.

Cara, maybe some people communicate with doing things instead of with words. My husband is great at saying he's sorry if he screwed up. I'm the talker between the two of us though. He does things like send me flowers or write me a very brief sentence of two love note. He's much better at writing than talking face to face. I'm not saying "save the marriage" if you want out. No one knows how you feel but you. But, while I was reading about your husband joining you at home, buying you a rose bush and taking you out to lunch, I was smiling, thinking "how sweet'. You were thinking he should tell you the way he felt when I was thinking that he was showing you. Just my observation. The G-pa.... well, from what I can tell...I don't blame you for going home!


Thank you so much for your encouragement.
I finally did speak to my husband. I told him he can't just live his way and do what he wants not communicate and call it a marriage, that just wont work.
He finally said, "when you ask me to talk to you, maybe I'm dense, but I think um, what do you want me to say? I open my mouth but nothing comes out"
Emotionally he is still a teenager because that's when the drinking started at age 15 after he lost his brother in a car accident. I told him the brain is still growing and learning things and you have to learn to emotionally be an adult. You never learned that, you stunted your emotional growth my drinking instead of facing reality.
In his job he is very good at what he does, anylitical (sp?) he can separate one task from another still remember the other and go back to it without missing a beat. For someone who never went to college he has done very well financially. But his personl life to put it mildly, "sucks".
I told him at the end of your life you are not going to say gee, I wish I had worked more, or made more money, you are going to say I regret not having paid more attention to my marriage and kids.
I cried a lot, he was attentive, but I'm still not sure he totally gets it.
So, G-Pa is now his responsiblity along with all the other business, and financial stuff he has going on. I a way I feel sorry for him, but I warned him many times I couldn't handle the stress, so he brought all this on himself.
If I can figure out how to post another picture, on this site, I'll show you my home. I so love it here.
It's sad about the reason I'm here, but I definitely needed the break. All my doctor's offices are now an hour away, hopefully I can coordinate things where i only have to go back to PA once a week.
Now my husband's bills are going to be higher with electric water etc at both houses, but that's not my problem anymore.
If we make it, we make it, if not oh well. I tried

Thanks again,

Good for you!!! What is lot of men don't realize is that keeping a home is a job. The last statistic I saw was $100,000 for all that is done. You can feel compassion and sadness for those who don't get it but you don't have to be around them. Your life and health is more important. Hugs

DianaS; frawgsis; fordellcastle,

OMG you are so wonderful, I wish I could give you all a real hug in person.
Finally, beside my Psychologist and my sister and best friend, I found people who get it.
I don't know how to thank you for the encouragement.
I did leave my husband's Step-father's home on tuesday. And my son who isn't even in the country at the moment has no idea other than he read something I posted on FB that was pretty vague. He started almost quoting scripture to me saying anything you do out of love has it's own reward and we should not expect any?? I'm not asking for a reward I'm asking for respect, courtesy, understanding of what I'm going through from my supposedly recovering alcoholic husband who has yet to talk to me in any detail except to try to make me once again feel like the one at fault.
I stayed at the step-father's home for 2 1/2 years, and that's 1 1/2 too long.
I am in constant pain from a herniated disk, I'm having trouble sleeping and it's worse when my husband is home, his legs jumb all night long. I'm so tired today. Everytime I'd get to sleep he'd started again. I think I slept from 6am-8am this morning, finally because he got up.
In my husband's defense, when I left tuesday by Wednesday night he had left work, packed up and came down here to our home. But nothing was said, not until I said something to him. He brought me a little red tea rosebush that he put on the table. Never said I'm sorry, never said I got this for you, nothing. He took me out to lunch yesterday, still nothing important was spoken about. He showed me the calendar for which days he would be in another state for work. And again, one of the weeks is during which was supposed to be our 44th anniversary. (a lot of time is spent away during important events like that)
I think I need to contact a lawyer, maybe then something will sink in when he finds out how much support he will owe me after 44 years of marriage. He will be beside himself.

I agree with "forde" only to the point that insanity probably does feel normal. However, taking care of somebody with dementia is living with insanity, too. I know because I did it. There is no peace taking care of them, either. It's only over when they die. You are still putting someone else's life in front of yours. A caregiver might consider leaving someone with Alzheimer's a different situation. But, it's not. To advise someone to ...just leave....is not reasonable or helpful. As I mentioned before, my husband had huge drug/alcohol problems. I took care of my mother who had dementia and later, my dad. What you have to do is back up to your comfort level...period. If you don't want to do something, don't do it. That just sets the bar higher. Emotional affairs? Personally, they kept me alive for years. Right now, both my parents are dead and my husband and I have lived apart for many years. Alone is good. But, it's not everything. Also, if you are a caregiver, you are not alone-even though it feels that way sometimes. Sanity? hehe...I'm still searching.

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