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I live near and do things with mom a few times a week. It's never enough. She tells my siblings that we seldom do things. They call her often and come 2 times a year. When my sis comes from across the country she will do whatever sis wants and basically treat me like an old shoe. I do way more things for mom than my siblings. My sis has always been her favorite which is fine with me. At times I feel trapped, I wanted to move and asked mom to come so I won't.


I have almost 0 in common with them both. Sis trys to change every thing like bossing my adult kids to be around mom more. Her kids haven't seen mom in years, tries to run my life and mold me. I've been alone for 16 years and it seems her and mom want me to be beat down and keep mom happy.




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I feel for you...I could have written this very post. I've been in therapy for years over this kinda thing.
I will tell you NOTHING will change...so go on with your life, that's all you can do...do for you...she won't change and will never be the mother you wanted or needed....ever...and I'm sorry for that you deserve better ;)
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I can understand your frustration.

I called one of my dads friends and they were completely floored that I was calling, as far as they had been told, I was never around. Really, I see him 5xs weekly and talk multiple times a day. Yep, telling everyone and anyone that would listen that I put him in a home and disappeared.

If he was 15 pulling these stunts I would have washed his mouth out with soap for being such a fibber. Dial in the teeth might have made him think. Ugh!

You have done all you can, relationships are two way streets. Go, find your life and happiness.
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Ok, you do not live with Mom, and you want to move.. but she won't go? And your Sibs boss you around and tell you how things could be done better? So you go.. and I mean Now and Where YOU want to. She lives on her own.. she says you don't do things with her.. so let them step up and be large and in charge, with out you. You have been alone for 16 years. Go for it! Mom will survive, and the sibs will perhaps realize what all you HAVE been doing. And don't look back! Go visit a few times a year like they do..
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I am the only local sibling, and I was my mother's "Dummy Daughter Driver" for two years. My 3 brothers all live out of state. One in particular rarely came to see her (years would go by between visits, whereas the other 2 visited 3 - 4 times/year), but she always had plenty of excuses for him. And he was the black sheep growing up.

She got very angry when I pointed out that I was the only one who was doing anything to keep her in her home. I was then told that I didn't do much at all, that my time wasn't worth anything, etc.

Now that one of my brother has taken over her finances, as she is no longer competent (she's in a NH), I am being paid hourly (and no, it's not minimum wage) for what I do for her AND I got back pay for all the aggravation I had to endure for the two years prior.

She still doesn't think much of me, but the money is going a long way towards my acceptance of the whole situation. She told me, "You don't pay family." Okay, then, but you also don't expect one child to do everything and then disrespect them and their time. She was so adamant that her trust be split four ways. And so it shall be. I'm getting paid as I go before the trust is split and distributed after her death.
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I think it's more that we, the bread-and-butter people, find it hard to take when our loved ones perk right up for visitors, the donuts-with-sprinkles people. I don't think they feel contempt for us so much as feel excitement for them, and the contrast rather gets up one's nose.
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I agree with country mouse. I see it all the time with mother's and daughter's, mother's and son's, husband's and wives. Even in my own relationship. People tend to turn on the charm or at the very least, be more civil to those they don't come into contact with as much. It's kind of like they are trying to save face.

My dear late mother would be bedraggled, sore and tired but as soon as my sister and her husband showed up or you name it, it was like the sun suddenly came out from behind a cloud.

I guess familiarity does breed contempt. Not always, but sometimes.
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I'm not sure how old your mom is, but, most seniors are pretty set in how they behave. It may not be likely that she will change.

Based on my experience, the parents often favor the adult child who does the least and behaves the worst. I'm not sure why that is. It's not fair. That's for sure.

But, since you aren't happy, I'd work on building tools so you can move on making more positive experiences. You are in charge of your own life and free to do things that make you happy. Others may praise and show gratitude for the things you do. Even if you mother is not like that.
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You wanted to move, but your mother decided she did not want to come with you? So?

Your mother can make her choices. You can make yours. You don't need anyone's permission to make changes that work for you and your kids.

Mind you, the same holds good for your adult children. Your sister lecturing them about seeing their grandmother more often can't force them to do anything they don't want to do.

Why do you feel that your mother and sister have the power to keep you down? Is this a habit you've got used to all your life? Habits can be broken, you know. Bad ones especially.

I know how upsetting it is when you feel taken for granted, but your "rare bird" sibling gets the full celebrity treatment. It makes you wonder why you bother! But when you think about it, it is natural. Your sibling is a novelty. You are routine. It isn't hard to understand.

So - what about that move? What would you like to change about your life?
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