The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

You ladies have it so much rougher than what I do..I don't know how you do it, seeing your loved ones change like that, Mom's dying but she still has most of her mental abilities left. She has her days where she is confused about what is happening, or what day it is, then others she is sharp as a tack, so far there have been no bodily attacks.

How in the world do you cope?

Now that I've had time to think back on Friday and everything that evolved through the evening, I see that this whole thing had been brewing for about 3 days. It's been horribly hot with humidity around 90, no one should be out in that kind of weather. Especially an elderly person who is taking dehydrating medication. She was told to stay inside and given the reasons, but she would sneak out the front door usually. We could see on the camera when she would disappear. And the front yard workers tattled on her once....thank you very much guys. I have figured out that a simple "no" is not acceptable to her. Then after her first tantrum hubby said "Mom, we're going to have to go to the hospital and get a tune-up"....she switched into the whiny, begging, what did I do wrong, after all I've done for you, if you hate me so much......trying to put us on a guilt trip won't work. We took her back down to her house 4 times and after the last one it was apparent she wasn't settling down and I had already given her an extra Ativan. Wasn't giving any more. She was told the ambulance was coming and no she didn't need her purse, I saw the look in her eyes change and she was after me. Hubby had gone upstairs because it was so hard for him to see her like that. When the amb got there she made some sarcastic little remark, but went with them quietly. Sometimes she is like an animal and I hate seeing how her mind has deteriorated. I see a distinct change in her from when she is pushing and we step back to when she has pushed too far and we take action. She becomes whiny, pitiful, begging, it's like she KNOWS when she has pushed too far. And it seems like everything she does is aimed at harming herself in some way. I have to wonder if the old lobotomies didn't have some validation......:) I don't care what anyone says, they cannot be watched every single second of every single day....and for that minute when you look away, they're gone. Just that fast. Physically and mentally! So I guess tomorrow after her doc looks at her we will know a little more on how to proceed with whatever they decide.

Love and Hugz,
Jam

Jam, have been thinking back on my days with Ruth in regard to what you have just experienced with the col. There were times when her mood would change on a dime!. She could be setting in her chair, we may or may not be talking, as much as having a real conversation was not possible, but BOOM she would be out of control. I started paying attention and sometimes she would wake up with that "look" in her eyes. Possibly something she dreamed about, or something she remembered from her past... who knows, but it was not provoked in any kind of way.. And of course she would get angry when I would not let her outside to fall down, break her hip, or get a concussion. And no she was not allowed to walk around the yard, it is uneven and her footing was not that good. And especially without me there with her.. But if we did try to walk in the yard, she would get even angrier if I would not let her go toward the highway, or into BG flowers, or across the cattle guard...or any number of other places that she could get hurt...
Guess the "blame and judgement" game can be played until the end of time, and that has nothing to do with caring for someone with Alz./dementia.I didn't "blame" Ruth for breaking my leg!!!! It was just an unfortunate accident . Remember she had hit me in the head so hard she rang my bell. And all of that because I would not let her get a butcher knife to "cut my throat" as she had threatened . But in her little mind, that was what was going on. Even the Dr's that specialize in the field of Alz, can not give us an explanation as to why they do the things they do...
We have an epidemic of Alz. and no concrete answers, no consistent meds that work for different episodes....no text book answers, so we do the best we can. We try to keep them safe, even if it makes them angry. They slip in and out of being cognizant and we do not know where that invisible line is....Sometimes I likened it to being the one that was supposed to know where all the puzzle pieces were, have it put together, only for her to wake up in a state of mind that didn't even closely resemble the "puzzle" the day before, or sometimes even with in an hour.... I have said many times and will continue to say I HATE THIS DISEASE !!!!!!! hugs to everyone.

Good Morning!

Happy Vacation Deef!!!!

It's such a weird feeling having the dogs out and not hearing that "swish.....is it time to party" noise coming at me. And before coffee no less. The col's dog is coming right back up the stairs now without having to coax him. But I have to look him over every single time he comes in, for some reason the ticks like him.

Maybe I will work in the col's house again for a while today. I left all the windows open last night to air out and I could smell that "smell" drifting up to me. I know a lot of it is coming from the carpet and I wish I could just rip it up but that would be like next to useless and a total waste. So I will try to shampoo the worst parts again. I need to take the vertical blinds down and put up some type of short curtain, that would keep the hot morning sun from pouring in during the summer and keep the dog from hiking his leg on each and every blind. I'm going to try and get as much crap off the floor as I can while she is gone. Just telling her things are giving the dog a place to pee only results in "he wouldn't do that" in that little girl voice that is really getting on my nerves. Ooh, do I sound a little bitter still? I found a few more sore spots from holding her off the other night.

How is everyone else? Got your hug sandy, thank you. I'm okay just a hectic night Friday. How are you? Come and tell us how things are going. I've been trying to keep up on posts, but I may have missed something.

starri......I"m glad you have your brother to help with mom. Soon I will have some and I can't wait.

I have been giving some thought to taking out the col's washer and dryer and having like a day bed built there instead. That way if someone should need to stay overnight there would be a place for them to sleep instead of on her couch. Haven't run it by hubby yet, still thinking on it. Col really can't do laundry anymore, I have noticed that in the last couple of weeks she would say she was going to wash clothes, but never did and she hangs everything from every door frame in her house to dry instead of using the dryer. I usually do her laundry so she doesn't need a washer and dryer anymore. Am I rambling again? I think more coffee is in order.

Will check back in a little while,

Love and Hugz,
Jam

Enjoy your vacation Deef, Seeme hope you are getting some rest, Brother just came over to relieve me so I get some rest, will be cutting mine short so that he can go rest before his night shift.. Mom is awake, semi ok...lot of pain towards midnight and after..feels like I pulled my shoulder trying to get her out of bed for the pot, heating pad here I come..lol...

Starri....I'm up, but I don't wanna be !!! I already have a headache nad it is on;y 5 am. Not enough sleep. Mom is on a 1/2 to 1 hr kick getting up to pee. Nothing hurts, but she stanks. May have to check for another UTI. May have something to do with the fixation on outhouses......yeah, had one of those again today....shit , yesterday. Gonna try to sleep again. Have a good night, Starri.......

Deef is on da plane....da plane!!!!!!!

Hey Ladee! Just got up and getting ready to leave for airport! Will e-mail you pictures.Can't wait to be gone from here!
Off on my great adventure!!!

Hey ya'll, Seeme thanks for waiting up, don't know if your still up..lol.. it's been a quiet night so far, she's a little wobbly, slept a lot today, and sleeping off and on this evening. I finally got some good solid sleep, not a lot but feeling much much better, brother is going to take the evening shift tomorrow, hopefully she rests most of the night, would hate for him to have a rough one to deal with.

Hope you are all resting.

Deefer, Yes, I am very happy to say I really like my little couple and could not have asked for a better position. So very different than with Ruth, but you know the story behind me staying here.. Had it been someone I did not know before I started working for her, I never would have put up with the crap BG dished out... live and learn tho...
I have no regrets about staying with Ruth until the end... But I do not want another live in position, just too damned hard and stressful and no one wants to pay well because they feel they are putting a roof over my head... one of the ladies that answered my add, was so determined to talk me into live in, I marked her off my list immediately... don't need to work for another family member that will not LISTEN to me... nope.

Almost time to leave..... told rip I wouldn't bug ya'll with emails , but sure hope you post pics I know you both are going to have a great time and make some good memories.... hugs to you..

Jam, I pay Merry $15/hour, but Mom is incontinent both ways, cannot walk alone, and needs to be washed, dressed, and most times hand fed because she gets so easily distracted and forgets there is food in front of her. She is definitely a lot of work! Sometimes it takes 2 of us to clean her up after she does #2 in her pullups.
Double locking deadbolts keep her in and restraints on her wheelchair keep her safe! She also obsessed about finances all the time. Comes from a life of having to watch every penny. Funny the things they never forget.
I like having Merry here for dinner and bedtime. Lets me spend some time with my husband. Getting her up and ready in the morning is a major chore too, but I find having help later in the day when I'm more tired, works better for me.
I hope they can get her straightened out for you and that you can get the rest you need.
Ladee, Sounds like you got a good one this time!

Jam....You might want to negotiate the bath, or just tell her what you expect or ask what she will do. My neighbor knows all about the fistula and what that entails, she always fixes mom lunch (this is Tues only) , eats with her and cleans up.

When she gets really bored, she has been known to dust my plantation blinds, sweep the kitchen floor and even do some laundry. She gets paid out of mom's money unless she does too much housecleaning, because I feel that is really for me, but she is also a friend. When I was still working, I paid her to clean my house while keeping an eye on mom, but mom was in much better shape then. Bless her heart, last Thurs. when she was here, hubby complained to me that the blind in our bathroom needed dusting....well, with the steam it needed more than dusting, so she cleand it. I just said yea, yea, I know, thinking your arm isn't broken. I don't let him get away with too much of that cause I KNOW he was in the AF and he had to clean the latrine with a toothbrush, he knows how to make a bed, etc. Hope that helps you. Start with a list of what you'd like done.

I gave mom a booboo that just puckered my a$$hole every time I looked at it. I pinched her finger between the chair armrest and the kitchen table. It peeled the skin back and came up a blood blister immediately. She hollered ouch and then forgot about it. It was dripping blood and I had to but some bacitracin and a bandaid on it. Bandaid will probably peel the rest of her skin when I try to take it off. This has been one of those days when everything I touch goes to h3ll.

Hubby got the patio furniture spray painted today. Later he took a ride on the bike...good night for that. Nothing else happening here. I got the garage doors shut before I got bats in the belfrey.....er...birds in the garage.

Starri, guess it is about time for your evening shift. I'll try to stay up later for you.

Burned.....How are things going?

ASG? what's shaking? How was Auntie today? It was Auntie day today, right? Yeah, rrriiiiight !! Like every day isn't Auntie day. Did you let the cat out?

Ladee, how much cleaning do you do? Lunch? I always tell Kathy what is available for lunch....any leftovers, cold cuts, chips, soups, egg or tuna salads. Gonna make some ham salad tomorrow. Just rambling on ....lil doggie...bye

thank you seeme and ladee....that's kind of what we were thinking. We don't need them here all day, we were thinking maybe from 11 to 5, and even maybe just Monday, Wed, and Friday. Gives us a break, gives her someone else to talk to. Would that also include some very light housekeeping, like washing a coffee cup or two and maybe bathing her if the day fell on Wed? Since she has no hobbies this person could even bring their laptop if they wanted. A person can't go outside and sit all day, and she won't do anything else, so this person would be bored out of their gourd. These are just some thoughts I had today while......get this ASG......I STARTED CLEANING HER HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Am I nuts or what? But let me tell you this, within 30 min that damn urine smell was GONE....POOF! Isn't it amazing. I had my washer and hers going at the same time. I saw that she had peed the bed and that's where the odor came from....now I know why she didn't have her jammie bottoms on yesterday morning. Would you believe the only part I got cleaned today was her bedroom? But the bed is airing out, the floors vacuumed, the closet cleaned out......there are no more size 1x clothes hanging there, I found an old wallet that she used to carry before I bought her a new one.....I almost threw it away without looking through it....found a $100 bill folded up, all surfaces are dusted, pictures set up and dusted, and found tons and tons of costume jewelry and knowing her there may be the real deal mixed in, so someday we have to go through it all piece by piece. That was all I got done today, it was too hot to do anything else. We turned her AC off to preserve energy. No sense in cooling it for nothing. Will do a little more tomorrow, but hubby finally got to see the mound of whatever it is that lives under her couch cushions.....he just stood there and said my gawd!!!!!!!!

deefer they did a UDS last night in the ER, but I didn't hear the results. We are waiting until the "real" doctors see her on Monday to start putting a plan together.

The doggie is doing fine. He is still running to her back door first when he goes out, and we really have to coax him back up the stairs, but he knows he's loved and being taken care of.....he's one of the kids....:)

Hi to everyone else......my mind is too scrambled to name names right now, but I'm thinking of you all......................

Love and Hugz,
Jam

Jam, I charge $10 an hour , am charging more this time because there are two of them. And like seeme said, people usually pay more for the night shift.
Getting a daily report is important, I never could get either of my previous families to do that. It is a preventative measure, so that everyone is on the same page. Especially if certain things need to be done with Alz. behaviors...I would practically beg BG not to argue with Ruth.. If Ruth said it had rained, then I agreed. BG would come in and argue, drag her to the window, ect. And routine is absolutely necessary with Alz. or dementia. If Ruth knew what to expect everyday, then things went much smoother. If the house was full of people, everyone trying to talk to her like she was "regular" granny, then I had a stressed and anxious lady on my hands when everyone left. She was not able to process all that noise... I know the col is not in last stages Alz. like Ruth was, but the sooner she gets into a routine when she gets home the better.
I am praying that they find appropriate meds for her. I always say finding the right meds or the right combo is a crap shoot. What works for some, won't work for others.. I would let them keep her until THEY saw the results they were looking for.
Sorry it has come to this, but now you will have your own little "army" of people who know her, her behaviors, ect. The more trained people involved the better quality of life she will have and therefore the people around her.will know what to expect...
Prayers for you finding a person that can do this job. Hope you are getting some rest now.. hugs to you

Jam thanks, its always helpful to know if her behavior coincides with someone else who has been diagnosed. Its strange I think its cause I was never around her at this level before. They lived in the city until about 6 or 7 years ago, they lived next door but always kept to themselves. You didn't visit unless you called first. She went to my house only during b day parties for the kids. After 2 or 3 years they moved up to john knox. It went from there. Hubby just said this morning she would have never called a little boy a fat kid. Maybe thought it but would never had said it. She did sign a medical poa. She got scared she was gonna have a stroke so hubby said if she had a stroke and couldn't speak for herself the realitives up north could come get her and take her to the nh up there that they wanted to put her in after the stroke. So the next day she was on the phone to the dr. To get medical poa. She had put another realitive on her checks when she was in the nursing home after the stroke she couldn't sign her name. She dosnt want to take her off now since she already has it set up that way at the bank. So that is her fix for her financial. She thinks this realitive will sign her name to 10 or 20 checks at a time for us to use for her needs. I'm not sure if the lady will. She calls her everyday and acts real nice to hubby and I but is in close contact with the realitives that wanted aunt in the nursing home. I guess the poa dosnt go into effect until 2 dr. Declare her incompetant. Her primary dr. So far hasn't seen a problem. She goes in on her own tells him what she wants.

We love ya linda!!!! Jam whatcha gonna do since you have a few to yourself?

Jam, I pay $10 an hr., but she is my neighbor, cert. CNA, when she comes over during the day. The times she comes overnight, I pay her $100/night for 8 hrs., usually 10 pm to 6 am. Now she is a widow and doesn't really need the money and does nothing else except clean some older relatives homes every so often. And I don't care if she gets some sleep, just as linbg as she attends to mom when she hollers. I get a briefing every morning as we smoke on the front porch and she goes home. Remember she walks over, so no gas, and we talk every day anyway. And then there is the difference in the cost of living between NC and MO. Let me know how this compares. (This is under the table....don't tell anyone)

I had a little surprise when I went out to the garden this morning...as a matter of fact I never made it to the garden. I walked out into the garage and had 2 birds squawking and flying and hitting themselves against the walls !! Had to have been there all night. I opened the doors right away and came back inside. One flew out immediately. I went outside from the patio out the back and snuck over to the garden and heard the second one still crying about it. He's gone now. We had one in he garage once that just could not fly low enough to get out. Poor thing beat himself on the walls, the ceilings, shit purple on the door into the house and I don't know if it was gonna live. I had blood on the ceiling by the light fixtures and dripped on the floor. The ceiling is so high I can't reach the top with a broom. And every other neighbor has kids who drive and they leave the garage doors open all the time and I never hear anything about birds. You'd think I lived in the boonies. Well, mom has decided to go outside.........hhuummmm...see how long that lasts......later

A "repeat" urine is always a good idea. Sometimes Mom needs a double course to get rid of it! Maybe the dog will lose some weight now!

Thank you deefer......no I don't think it was a UTI...she just finished a 10-day course of cipro because I was pretty sure she had one. This has been brewing for several days and it seemed like the basis was that she was bound and determined to go out, anywhere, didn't matter, just go go go go and we told her no. Where she is wanting to go is Hawaii first, then she refuses to pick a flower anywhere except the edge of the pond.....20 foot drop onto brush and trees and snakes, out to the mailbox at the edge of a busy two-lane highway and she walks like a drunk, one swipe of a semi and she becomes a grease spot. No matter what she tried, yelling, screaming, whining, she wasn't getting her way and she finally melted down. She needs the rest and so do we. Dog is doing great.....following me around like a little shadow.

Love and Hugz,
Jam

Hey I need to know what the average hourly rate is for home care givers. We are moving forward. Are making arrangements to fence in the back yard, can't do the whole thing...too big for that and it would be defeating the purpose. But that should be enough to keep the col confined. I just got back from taking her some clothes, drove a total of 16 miles only to take less than 5 min to run in and drop them at the front desk.

ASG....Aunt sounds so much like the col. Last night in the ER she couldn't have been more sweet and kind speaking. Made me grind my teeth a little harder....but they all know me and they knew I was not exaggerating. Several of them looked at me and said "you look so tired".....ya think sunshine? She will be gone for at least a week, I didn't know it until last night that they can keep her up to a month. Don't need that long, but at least a week will help. We will talk with her doc on Monday and see what we need to do to straighten out her horrible mood swings. Anyway, when we started this whole process we told her that we wanted to do a POA because if something should happen to her, then we would be able to access her information so we could help. We explained that if she was unable to give permissions, etc for treatment then this would only benefit her. She didn't argue about it at all. The only times we have had to use it is for hospitalizations and banking. Finances are completely beyond her now. She kept screaming for her purse last night and Target finally told her there was nothing in it, we have her credit cards and checkbook. Right after that is when she decided to rip my face off. We noticed with her ranting last night that she is very financially fixated. She had a look in her eyes that I've not seen before....she was just a wild woman.....kinda like seeme when she's chasin' them bunnies......:) love ya.....

ASG you should try and get Aunt to sign a POA before she gets to the point where she can't and then you would have to have a judge make you her guardian. What she is doing is EXACTLY what the col has been doing....and it's only going to get worse. Wonderful outlook isn't it?

And on top of everything else, I don't know if y'all heard on the news about the police officer that was volunteering in Joplin after the tornado and was struck by lightening. He passed away yesterday and my heart is broken. He was the son of my former EMS director and I watched this boy grow up....he and my son are the same age. He worked in North KC.....they are bringing him through the town where we live right now with local police and fire standing at attention on all the overpasses. And it sounds like the medical helicopters are doing flyovers. Been there, done that and it always broke my heart every damn time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I'm going to be a blubbering mess here shortly, so I am going to go start cleaning the col's hovel. It stinks.

Love and Hugz,
Jam

Jam, Sorry to hear about COL going off the deep end! UTI??? This has happened to Mom numerous times, and we always think UTI now. Had her committed twice for crazy behavior, only to find out it was a UTI. Hope you get some answers and much rest while you have the chance!

Jam, happy to hear all are safe and sound today. And really happy to hear Target is in agreement to getting you some help... How long will she be in there??? Rest while you can... and poor puppy, bet the does not know what is going on....
Seeme, try to get some rest today, and I liked Jam's picture of you tooling down the hiway...
ASG, maybe Aunt Weird will be next if she doesn't straighten up.
I will check back in later... hugs to all, and Burned, and Sandra and Starri and Linda.

hey Linda, sorry about the mix up, hope your hubby is feeling much better today. Hope you got some rest before having to tend to Pa. Give Pa a kiss for me,
hugs to you,,,,,

Hi, Linda, Hope pa is doing good and hubby now, too. Hope you got some good sleep. You didn't need hubby down too. Come on back when you have time.

have a happy day you all ....

Oh and jam "target" I've been meaning to say ILoVEIt. My hubby is the same way won't buy nothing unless its a goos deal. Except when it comes to man stuff. I guess he still does it on bargin but he can't a good bargin up.

Lol, you guys are hilarious!!!! Sandra welcome! Please come back again and again. These guys are great. Jam wow! And woohooo!! You get some respite! That's what I was thinking this morning was just a little hospital stay could give me a day or two. And viola read on her that col went loco. I'm sorry that's sounds so mean. But we have had a hell of a morning. If I was her gaurdian or poa I would do that now. She's not completly demented all the time. So I don't think dr. Even have a clue. She kinda a danger to herself really with the decisions she can make. Like if she decided to just leave and go somwhere she could and I'm sure if a nh got ahold of her now they'd probably have her knocked out on meds. She knows how to be good when it counts. And she can keep track of what date it is. She's starting to get mixed up days of the week. Its the tantrums she throws. And the snooping. I don't have it in me I giess to just lat her go. Id love to make her a part of everything we do but she won't, and when she does its disaster most of the time.

seeme....I am going to hear on the news later "crazy woman on the loose, East Coast be on the look-out for wild woman chasing bunnies. She can be seen riding a motorcycle and carrying snow peas"....details to follow at 10.

Love ya,
Jam

Jam, Glad Target is on board with your decision. YOU are the one who knows how difficult it is and whether or not you need help. Glad to hear you are going to get it. Strong women tend to have to handle everything. Just can't figure out how you missed the cement shoes !!! LOL You watched her too closely and lost a great opportunity !!! God forgive me, I am on the loose. Must go back to my hole....Later........

God help me, I'm just not with it this morning. Went back to bed at 5 am after being up for an hour after a breathing treatment. Just couldn't get back to sleep. Of course 5 min after I laid down, she hollered again. Then I went in bed with hubby and stayed there until 10. He did what he could, bless his heart, until I had to do some changing and cleaning up. Just got done with breakfast and it is 10:30 and nothing is done. Gonna be a long day. Haven't even been out to get my crop this morning. Don't have the energy to chase rabbits today. NEED CAFFEINE !! Be back in a little while..........

Good morning! Oh my, what a night! I got about 6 hours sleep so that's not too bad. For those that don't know, the col had a major meltdown last night and after about 5 hours we called the ambulance to take her in for a tune-up. She acted exactly like a 2 y/o throwing a tantrum except she wasn't on the floor kicking and screaming....of course that could have been next. I stayed with her while she was in the ER, but out of sight and a couple of times she tried to slide off the end of the gurney because "it's time for me to go home now". Even her voice sounded unlike her, maybe she was tired of yelling after all that time. I had to hold her down once while waiting for the ambulance...she wanted to rip my face off. We have the dog and he is doing fine. Today I will take her some clothes since all she had on was jammies, but I won't see her. It's like 3 or 4 days before family is allowed to see them. We have some decisions to make. I have already told hubby that I am not against her coming home, but IT WILL NOT BE WITHOUT DAILY HELP. Bottom line...that is my final answer! No help.....no can do. And he understands and is in full agreement.

Will try and catch up on everyone's posts today; please bear with me. I am not ignoring anyone. I have read and my heart is with ALL of you.

Love and Hugz,
Jam