This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Ladee, I don't work a lot to accumulate money! I work a lot to pay the bills and I am always full of debts! My mother's helpers cost a lot of money and then you have the heating, the electricity, the taxes, the things that get broken and you have to call someone to fix them and they earn in one day what I earn in one week. I prefer to spend 90 per cent of my money paying the helpers, because when my mother will not be here anymore, I shall have to work to support myself so I cannot leave my job (if I go out from the "world of translations" now, I won't be able to come back in 2, 3, 10 years, whenever is the time my mother leaves me!) There are very rich people in Italy; not me! And most of the people I know. We have to struggle hard, hard, hard! (just to make an example, I had to pay a 500 dollars bill of electricity and I have to translate 4 films to earn that amount of money!)
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Starri......eight whole hours.......woohoo........I am jealous....my meal out with hubby on Tuesday already feels like it was 3 yrs. ago. He took a ride on the bike this afternoon just to get away from hearing mom call MY name all day. Geeez!
Bedpan use: (as I have seen it done ) Put baby powder on the fat rim. Have patient roll to one side as far as possible. Hopefully the entire backside is exposed. If not, slide under as far as necessary. Place pan against buttocks and roll patient to her back, thereby putting her on it. The powder makes it slippery enough to slide and doesn't smell bad either. Hope that helps, and there are 2 sizes of bedpans. You may want her to bend her knees to get in a more familiar position. Fat rim goes under the butt. My mom prefers the small one.
Looks like I am going to bed sooner than I thought. I am saying hello to all the new people who posted today. I read all your posts, but have been busy all day and am worn out. Love to you all and I hope to hear from you again. Good night and may everyone get some sleep...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Does anyone have a idea on how to 'use" the bedpan? lol, which end of the pan goes where? I think the short end goes under the butt and the taller end, ends up under the legs.. she's not going to like it I am sure, but told her this afternoon, it's either that or a diaper if she is not able to get out of bed safely to use the restroom.
I actually think I might be able to get through the night without having to drink two pots of coffee. Will check in again later.. hugs to all
onacliff.....that is what I call my mil.....crazy old lady.....it's all done with affection. She laughs whenever she hears me say it.
starri....yippee for lots of sleep! And now hubby time....woohoo!
Still reading.....will post more. Sometimes I do this a little at a time so I won't forget anything.....those are my senior moments....:)
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Mom made it through the night, I came home this morning, took the morning meds and a sleeping pill and I have been out of it all day, one blessing about getting the sleeping pill yesterday, got a solid 8 hours of sleep, hubby said the phone rang a couple of times, never did hear it..lol..
Brother is over there right now, and he will just get to stay there for a while more, her meds are all laid out through 530, so I don't have to worry about that. Reminded him one more time that he doesn't need to get into the pill boxes.
I guess that most of my feelings last night were frustrations to see her in pain and know that there was nothing I could do about it. She's getting less and less stable on her feet, she can sit barely on the bed and can't swing herself any further in, I have to get her up on the bed as best as possible, have her lay down and then use a sheet I put under her to move her further away from the edge.
I dread the day that the diapers have to come into play, just trying to move her now hurts her, I'm unable to lift her, so even trying to guide her to the bed side is a risk.
Waiting for hubby to get back from town, we'll have a bite to eat together and then I will go start my night. Hope that we hear from the insurance company on what it is their wanting for them to give us information about the possibility of getting help in, so that brother and I get at least one whole day a week off.
Talk with everyone sometime this evening.
Well, so much about not commenting much!
ditto johnny.....I like that positive attitude!
linda.....not a darn thing wrong with taking some time off to do absolutely nothing. It will all be waiting for when you have a little more energy. So play some more...:)
HB.....thank you for checking in.....have been thinking about you and your family. Maybe mom will get her wish. And how wonderful that friends are coming to see her before she goes. I'm sure you all are a tremendous comfort to her. She is in my prayers everyday, as well as you are. Love to you.......
Welcome......dgrey, yes this is a difficult job we are doing and glad to see you here where you can just let it all out. Does FIL have dementia? I haven't read your profile yet. Lives with you and husband? Those headaches are stress and frustration. Of course you try to be patient. Are you going to always succeed? Doubtful.....but remember you are not alone. We all reach a certain point sometimes that we just can't take anymore....we are human and we didn't sign up for this job. I know I didn't......when I said I do I don't remember anyone telling me the care of my mother-in-law was a part of it. And to be honest, there are days when I don't like her very much either. But she will get the very best of care, just like you are giving your FIL. Come and visit us again.....we love to meet new friends.
Sorry have to cut this short.....col is calling from the hospital.....and I can hear the Looney Tunes theme song..........................
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Seeme, you are such a sweetie, and thank you for reminding me that I am not in charge of the important stuff, like when to leave. You and jam are both right, to prolong it a few days, why? the process has begun for letting go of the guilt,, thanks again..
HB, love, hugs, prayers, and angels sent your way, let us know how things are.. love ya.
Johnny, thanks for the positive message this morning..The gentleman I take care of has Alz, and he makes me laugh everyday. He can not find the bathroom, hides the toilet paper, gets lost in the house, but he is so sweet. One of his favorite things to do is pick up twigs out of the yard... we were out there today, and he put some stuff on the little pile we have started.. Then he was going to pick the whole mess up and move it... I suggested we leave it there in case one day we wanted to roast marshmallows. ( We are in severe drought and fires of any sort anywhere are forbidden)Now remember, he can not find the bathroom but somewhere the burn ban has stuck in his mind.... He said we were going to get the fire department on us if we started a fire... I said I'd just run down the road and tell them you started it,, He laughed and said, "and I'll tell them you are the one that told me start it"........ we laughed all the way back to the house...so you are right, cherish the moments, there are many things to be grateful for, so happy to see you here...
Ok, I am going to take a time out and go take a nap.... love you all, more later..
I am new to caring for my FIL....I am one that rarely has headaches, and now, almost everyday. I just pin pointed the cause.
Got up this morning, coffee grounds all over the wall and floor, big wad of chewing tobacco in trash can, without liner and listening to his never ending tales.
I am trying to be paitent, but it's hard. Just one morning, I would like to have a cup of coffee without commentary.
My hardships are nothing compared to some of the stories I have read and my thoughts and prayers go out to all.
It is a little different for me, because I don't think I like my FIL very much. I am respectful and do all I can. I have asked my husband what the plans are when he becomes unable to go to the bathroom, change his clothes, etc....his comment is, he will not be changing diapers.
Wow, what a road in store for us......
Thanks for letting me vent.
Hospice has been wonderful for us during our final and most urgent needs. My grandmother is comfortable, clean, and well medicated so that she can continue to move closer to the other side without the unnecessary shackles of pain in her body.
Family and friends who haven't seen her in a while are stopping in to see her and wish her well. When she opens her eyes we can see the flash of recognition and pleasure when she sees someone who she loves. Grandma always loved visitors.
My mother and I are hanging in there. We are feeling the effects of fatigue but as we shared the caregiving while she was ambulatory we are sharing the chores of end of life. My mother, ever the control freak, would like it very much and find it appropriate if Grandma passed on Pentacost Sunday. If possible I think she'd phone the holy spirit and book her passage. My mother is very into catholic symbolism.
Take care all, I'm going to creep off and take a nap somewhere, sitting up if I have to.
Love n stuff
HB
wonder how s headbanger s gmas doing today ? prayers sent to them . xoxox
I see we have some new friends....welcome lance and ludwig!
It's raining a little here in the Midwest.....my garden is happy I'm sure.
Another day of freedom, I think. For our new friends, my col has been hospitalized since last Friday for a mental "tune-up". So far it doesn't seem to be doing her any good, so they may just give up and send her home and tell us there is nothing that can be done. She called twice yesterday and the last time demanded that "you tell the doctors I want to go home".....just because son is also a doctor doesn't mean he has control and can order any other doc around. Right now, we are patient's family only, not the doctor in charge. I want them to keep her until at least Monday.....the new fence will be finished then.
lance......how very noble and loving of you to take your mom home and your life to improve also. It is a hard job and we won't get our reward for doing it on this earth. Does your mother use a walker or cane to help steady herself when she stands up? That might just help the falls. I know the col is very unsteady on her feet and that will be something new for her when she gets home. She has fallen also and if I can't help her when she first stands, she stumbles sideways. Do you get to take breaks to do something for you or are you with mom all the time? Maybe a neighbor might be willing to sit with her for a couple of hours each week to give you a chance to go out. Something to think about.
ludwig......I am sorry for the loss of your mother. No one can make those feelings of guilt go away....just remember that the final outcome was not in your hands, it never was. And when someone's time has come, no amount of medical treatment is going to make a difference in that outcome. Oh, sure it might prolong the inevitable for a few days while your loved one lies there and suffers..do we really know what is going on "in there"? I lost my mother last Dec. 29, she got sick on Friday Christmas Eve and passed the next Wed morning. I watched her lie in that hospital bed struggling to breathe, not recognizing anyone, crying out for 3 days, and had her brought back to the nursing home the next Tuesday afternoon. Hospice was there, got her settled in and started the morphine. Thank you God for not allowing her to linger and suffer. I still feel her loss, but I am so glad she didn't have to suffer any longer than she did.
johnny.....how are you and the missus doing this morning?
starri......I'm sorry mom is feeling bad. I'm glad hubby picked up your meds. Maybe you could get on the back of that bike with hubby and just take off and ride for a while. Just go somewhere and have lunch and some "you" time. You may have posted before about help and I missed it.....do you have hospice in for help with mom? Since it's a 2-person job to move her that might help.....if nothing else it would give you a much needed break.
ASG.....good morning.....are you getting some of this rain? Actually the sun is beginning to try and shine, so it may be over. That will make it nice and steamy outside.
Hi to everyone else that may be reading but not posting today......hope everyone has a beautiful day!
Love and Hugz,
Jam