This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Worried be careful with lawyers and ALWAYS double read anything before signing it. I we made the mistake when we signed the house over to my beotch sisters brother in law that's just a whole mes you don't want to get into. Snort and my sister wonders why I barely tolerate her ...
Seeme stay safe girl. prayers for you and mom... can't wait to see the pictures of the wedding. I did all the favors and invitations for my niece Shannon's wedding. She likes wolves as does her husband so I designed a magnet with their names date of their wedding and one white wolf and one black one together it came out pretty cool maybe I should add that to my repertoire doing favors for weddings lol
I'm thinking of all of you on the East Coast and hoping you will be safe!
seeme......the wedding will be beautiful in spite of the weather. Just be safe and hope hubby is also since he is working today. Sis is on her way home and I hope Mom had a good night. Post when you can.
John......save the battery! Will be thinking of you and your wife....sounds like a perfect day for snuggling and watching movies, unless all the power goes out......praying you are safe through the storm.
Vic......good to start the day with your smile and positive attitude. It helps more than you know. Hope Dad is just having one of those "demented moments". It just amazes me how the thought processes can be so lucid one minute and POOF gone the next.
Today will be a day of letter writing and getting paperwork together for the eviction. I also have to look around here to see if we have another deadbolt stashed, will need 2 and 2 regular door knobs. Why can't things just be easier? And people pay rent on time. That's all we asked of this guy and it's not like we are charging a horrible amount of rent either.
I hope everyone has a wonderful day and I will check back later. Need to get the col fed and morning meds done. She's heading for the bathroom........
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
I am worried for you that are in danger for Irene. My brother and SIL are in New York City and I hope they leave the town before a problem could arise.
Ladee, I hope your talk with Marie had some effect. I don't believe it will be a long lasting effect, because we know that we have to repeat things over and over and over again. But I hope she has understood for a few days!
Stormy I am glad you had a few days of rest. My dream is to go to live near the sea, too!
Emjo I am glad you have water again - cold or hot, whatever! If it's cold you can heat it on the burners. But if you don't have water you can't heat it.
Starri are you alright? I didn't understand if you already started your trip.
I am sorry I could read just the posts of the last two days... I have more work to do! Next monday everyone will be back from vacation and everyone will ask me the translations I have not made yet.
Worried, your sister seems a tough one... Defend yourself! My brother is not damaging, he is just absent... I start to think that I am lucky!!!!
Goodbye everyone, see you later!
I just had a text from my SIL. She says they can't leave NY because all the flights are cancelled!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dad is in a confused star as to how he got in the bed he was in...that he could get up and no I didn't need to give him a bath..there is no privacy. Poor guy. Talked with him some and gave him his little bath and got Jim up. He knows where he is...remembers yesterday and what we did etc... Said I was kinda angry with him and he didn't know why...ahhh well I do have a stern voice. Anyway we went to hall and toward bathroom. He knew where he was and then he asked me where mom and dad sleep...he is talking about his parents who died many years ago. I reminded him and he said the year they both died.
Think he is ok now.... But. Will have to let sitter know and also that I will be close
by. Dad told mom a few minutes ago that I was being nice today...
Poor guy! He is happy enough though and knows that today is Saturday and that Jackie is coming.
Have the best day possible folks
Worried..am so glad you will be seeing an attny. Hate it for you that you have to suffer this sadness with your sis but boy is that just too much!! You are in my thoughts and prayers. Glad I wasn't too off the mark and that you also talked with a CPA. We are here for you!
Shawna ... Hope you and mom enjoy some time today out. Hoping you won't get too much of the storm heading your way!
Jam...what winds!! Storms in ST Louis? Blow them south a little bit. How horrible that you have to deal with some a#*%% renter. Hope everything goes well Monday. ..would be a nice adventure for Ladde to move further north!! Lake
house! ..
Stormy... So glad you all got away...agree ... Beach bum!! It does make it easier and clears our heads when we are refreshed! So glad little red had a blast! Love that area.
Ladee and Jam thanks for the smile and reinforcement...
Dear Ladee.. You did great!! I have done the same thing with my daughter. Enjoy the little accomplishments! We do love our children and it hurts so bad when they are so selfish. So happy that your son said thanks!! Glad you talked to Marie. You may have to do it again. Our elders... You know the saying of trying to teach an old dog new tricks!! But you are right you are a caregiver not a housekeeper!! Boy you do have sooo much to give!! Your words on here show the person you are. Am so sorry you had to go though all the crap after the hurricane with your family. Wish I had known you then...glad I am getting to know you now.
Emjo...when I was a kid I always wanted to homestead land in Canada and have a dozen kids... Guess I will live vicariously through you!! Haha. Bears..horses..camping and trekking!! What fun!
Seeme..hope all is well and hope all goes well today. You are in prayers...
Starri!! .... Here's hoping you just don't have wifi and many prayers for you...trips can start off rocky. Don't lose hope. As I have been reminded ..you do matter!! We are here to listen to you so that it eases your burden a little. Black holes suck...but we are right here to help pull you out.
Know I have missed someone. Keeping Bonnie O and Ted in prayers. Hope Ted has gotten his mom and himself somewhere safe.
Sometimes we get so lost and this thread and all of you have made the day to day so much easier. Your compassion and information are so vital to me!! Thank you!!
Ah I know.. Crag.. Whoever said it, it right about it being hard on your wife. She does need those hugs and I am sure you do too! Enjoy the empty nest and take care of each other when you are down. Some days it is so great to walk through house and everything is as we left it...but then the sadness hits us...our babies aren't here!! Course with them in college..I figure they will be back soon with all their dirty laundry!! Something to look forward to!
Hope ASG isn't jonesing too bad without computer!! Eekkk
Love and prayers
Ladee, you made me cry this morning, I can and could relate to so much... I am glad you and marie finally set down and had a discussion, looks like I have one coming in my future.. for my future..
big hugs all...
Our internet is on limited back up battery power which we have lost early this morning. The wind is very powerful!!!!!
I too am glad you are meeting with a lawyer - you definitely need some protection. My sister is all $$$$ too and what she can get out of mother. It seems that it is not rare.but it is hard to understand and definitely not what you or I and others here want
Please take care of you - you are going through so much
keep in touch and let us know what is happening
(((((hugs))))
joan
John, hopefully you and your wife can recuperate a little more tomorrow. I hope you don't get much more than rain out of the storm. I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best.
emjo......I was devastated all day!!!!! You know I'm kidding.....Sometimes we just forget, happens to me all the time and I'm not afraid to admit it. I don't think I've caught dementia yet though....:) I'm not sure if I wouldn't take a hurricane over a bear.....that's a hard one.
ladee.....glad to hear that you made some progress with Marie. Maybe now things will change somewhat and she can relax and you won't be so bored. And hopefully your son will remember all the things you have done for him....even when you probably shouldn't, been right there with you and like you, I do it anyway and will again.
No, I haven't put a lot of effort into asking for weekend help yet. I'm having trouble multitasking this week. Now, we are in the process of evicting the renter that is in the col's house. It isn't benefiting her when he doesn't pay the rent. We found out the gas was turned off about 3 weeks ago and after making some phone calls this morning, the house is on the list for water and electricity turn-off next week. No gas means no hot water. He also changed the locks on the house and has made no contact with us and avoids any phone or text messages. Called the local police dept and asked how we are supposed to know if he abandoned the property and she said we can legally break open the door. So that is what we will be doing Monday morning. Eviction notice in hand, proof of ownership, and new locks. And camera. He has torn up the property to the point that it is going to cost us money to get it back to a decent condition. Plus he didn't use his legal name on the lease, so that has been broken every which way from Sunday.
Had to take a break and get the col tucked into bed for the night. And the Chiefs lost.....gee I wonder why that doesn't surprise me....so the Governor's Cup went to the other side of the state...:(
starri.......what you are going through is one of the reasons why I didn't want to go to our lake house anymore. We weren't taking the boat out anymore and I could have a lot more to do at home while Target napped, instead of trying to keep myself occupied. So now I'm trying to give ladee a deal she would find hard to pass up and end up owning a home in the process...:) Maybe it's time to go over the "camping rules" with hubby. Help=eat. No help=no eat. Hmmmmmmm.......
stormy.....so glad you had a good vacation. I will go look at your pics. Catch us up-to-date on Dad.
Vic...need your positive outlook. Missed that today!
ib4, mis, YR, cwgrl, Shawna, seeme is doing the wedding rehearsal tonight. Ditto what ladee said......just post "what about me".......
Keeping Bonnie and Ted in my prayers.
Love and Hugz to all of you,
Jam
I have lived in survivor mode most of my life and was definitely not safe as a child - it makes us strong and independent but also wounds us deeply
know about the years being a blur too. Sorry u had to live thrugh that not knowing where the next meal was coming from -I haven't experienced that, and that you had to rely on your crazy family - that would have done a major number on me too
yup, God does not make junk - i think u handled the suituation with Marie extremely well - glad u r back to urself - good! good! good! -and starting to enjoy life a little again - great!!!
love and hugs
jo
I was stuck out in Lousianna with my crazy family for so many days I lost count... My oldest sister did a number on my head so bad I am just now getting my "self" back.... it is in my nature to go into "survivor" mode.... just be numb, do what I gotta do.... I am defiantly a better person for the experiances, but it has taken me a long time to get back to "myself".... it is as tho the past few years are just a blur... never feeling secure, not knowing where my next meal was coming from, always the threat of being homeless.....and taking what ever job I could get.... never enough money to make ends meet......I tend to isolate myself when things are really bad, not letting others know how stressed I am.... and that all comes down to trust.... not trusting anyone...
Then I came on this sight because Ruth was such a handful... then I realized I could reach out a little and let others know a few things about me... the anonimty of cyberspace???? probably, was accepted, and have some of the greatest friends for the rest of my life... some of us will get to meet someday... hopefully not when we are so old we don't remember each other....feeling "safe" has been a life long journey for me...... even as a kid, I never felt"safe", most of us know that feeling....
So I learned to be assertive, but that got lost in all the confusion of trying to rebuild my life..... so here I am, back on my path of the road less traveled...can not wait to get my art stuff out and do somethings I really enjoy.... life is settling down, finally.... I am one of God's kids, and God doesn't make junk.... we may make our life junk, but I have never faultered in faith..... such wonder filled friends I have on here.... such love and respect for each other.... wish everyone was as blessed as we are to have found this thread and it would make life so much more bearable... love you all, keep on keepin on.....
re ur son and Marie for that matter - it's not the rules that matter but that the heart rules - or follow ur guts is another way of saying it - found especially with those kind of problems that it works
do I miss my solitude sometimes - Oh YES!!! do I miss G sometimes - yes - both of us need our own space quite a bit so it works - he heads off to the horses or the hills or whatever and I get my piece of quiet here at home - when we are together we are very together and when we are apart we connect a bit but don't worry about one another too much - really my first experience of having my own life and having a man in it too
we will try to get away for a few days before he goes back to work and out ot camp for 10 day stretches of 24/7 again
seems to be feast or famine but it works
starri - how is it going -a little worried about you
((((hugs))))
I try to live my life without regrets and the fact that Seeme and Jam's kindness kept going thru my mind, was telling me this is an oppurtunity with him.... so, it's in God hands. Oh and don't know if I ever told ya'll what I want on my tombstone... "I've no regrets, and my credo is.... Lead me, follow me, or get the hell out of my way.." Following my gut and not my head always pays off...
Things came to a head for me today with Marie... here she is feeling bad, her hip is hurting, she is tired, and I really beleive she is depressed.... I am doing something in the kitchen, look in the living room and neither on of them there...., go back to the bedroom and they are both walking out.. is anything wrong??? In her whiney voice, no I just wanted to make sure Sonny got shaved today.... I went from 0 to 60 in one second!!!!!!stayed quite, finished what I was doing, took Sonny outside to do our "yard work", and I am seething.... ok, TODAY we are going to talk..... enough of this passive/aggresive sh^t...... she had argued earlier about how to take her pain meds, I just wallked out.... tension building....
Got clear in my mind what I wanted to say and we went back in, got Sonny settled and sat down and just started, no prelude, just the facts ma'am.... "Do you need someone else to come in here and take care of you and Sonny", shocked look, then" no, I am very sasified with you".... "Ok, but Marie, you can get a housekeeper for a lot less than you are paying me, I would have never taken this job if I had known I was only going to be cleaning and cooking".... a pitiful look on her face, again, " I am very satisfied with you".... " ok, then why won't you let me do my job? I am overqualified to be a housekeeper and you will not LET me do my job... you can get someone cheaper"......."I don't want to bother you",..... ok, I wasn't buying it, but let her have her say, which in many ways was good, because she talked about how she always did things for herself... in other words she let it all out about how helpless she feels, and that she is having trouble letting go..... I reassured her that it must be hard, and yes, there are many things that you can do for yourself and I want you to continue doing those things as long as you can... but you stress yourself out of your mind with Sonny when I am here to take care of him during the day to give you a break......... She is looking a tad beat down by now, but I did not change the tone of my voice..... Had the best try to manipulate me, and I divorced them all.....
So this goes back and forth for a few minutes, her finally talking about how she felt, and me standing my ground...... I listened, Jam saying I'm a counselor came to mind, and I said all the reassuring things..., but ended with me saying, well, you are going to have to let me do my job or get someone else because I am bored out of my mind.... she looked so stunned I almost started laughing, not in a mean way, just that I forget that other people usually don't speak thier mind like I do.... but it was time for honesty, time to put it all out there.... either that or I was going to start looking for another job..... I didn't say that to her, but she knew...
Ok, did I believe some of what she was saying, no, does it matter a hundred years from now, no, have I created a dependant monster, no, I will remind her of the things she can do for herself.... do I feel better getting it all out there,yes.... passive/aggresive never beats aggresive.... it's about me taking care of me now....
So we will see how things go... I did tell her she acts like she doesn't trust me... when I said somthing about her meds this morning, I asked her, why would I just come in here with some random statement about your meds.... she admitted how stubborn she is, well DUH.....I have already said I am not doing the BG thing again, and I'm not...
Worried, sorry your sib doesn't get it, hope you get an elder care lawyer and stand up for yourself.....
Vic, have you looked in the mirror today and told yourself how awesome you are??? NO, well, I'm telling you how awesome you are... love ya.
ib4, smart lady, and ya know what?? I wonder how much of the time it is guilt or toxic shame that we feel? That kind of shame tells us we are bad women or men for taking care of ourselves, not that we are making a good choice to take care of ourself....Both of those feelings keep us feeling like we are "bad and wrong", and keep us on a hamster wheel. Most of us were never taught that taking care of ourself was a GOOD thing.... so you just keep on keepin on and do what is neccessay to take care of YOU..
John, hope you and your wife adjust to an empty house.. it will be harder on your wife, her baby is in college and she is imagining all sorts of horrors that can befall him... give her lots of extra hugs this weekend... and take care of yourself....
stormy, WELCOME BACK ya beach bum.... loved the pics of little man, his face said it all, he was having a great time....glad you are back, we missed ya..
Shawna, hope you are feeling better soon... love ya
Starri, just load up the camper, unhook the bike, and make the rounds visiting all of us... let him sleep with his bike. jackass!!!!!
Seeme, sorry about mom throwing another TIA, but at least now your sis won't go home stupid as to what you do on a daily basis..... hope the wedding goes off well.... maybe they will name thier first kid Irene..... even if it's a boy....
Jam, no weekend help yet...... I'll be thinking about you as I am taking as many naps as I can this weekend... and no more rain... they are saying by the middle of Sept, the high that has been over us for months will start to move out...... Like I said, I am NOT doing another Texas summer like this again next year...So we will just have to have a lottery drawing for who needs help and I will just go to the winners house and work... as long as it is cool... or at least not 108!!!!!!!
Emjo, I would think the house being quite is good for awhile, if you are used to having a man around, then it would get lonesome.... I would be just the opposite, I would get lonesome for my solitude........
So, love you all, keep Bonnie O in your prayers, Hospice has been called in, and for Ted, to stay safe from the storm...been there done that, nothing fun about it...
Later, and hugs across the miles...sorry if I missed anyone, all you have to do is post, "what about me".... later
glad that the arrangements are going reasonably well - keep us posted
john, I bet u and wife r tired still - lots of driving and more but PEACE and QUIET at home ahhhh - good new thread
jam I forgt u on the last thread - I think because I have been thinking of you all day - had my nap and woke up and realised that I forgot u - will connect with u re my thoughts
hopefully the hurricane will not cause much damage or distress to anyone
my little local hurricane called mother has written that a cheque (written to her but not cashed - long story - not going to be cashed), and stored in an envelope in her desk inside some papers, has disappeared from her desk and I should do something about it. The envelope would not suggest that there was a cheque inside. I honestly feel that she is misplacing things due to forgetfulness - though I know that theft can happen from ALFs or anywhere. She has forgotten the correct amount of the cheque which reinforces my thoughts that it is her memory that is the problem.. I know she had someone nearby who will contact the ALF management about this, in any case. The lines between reality and fantasy are blurring...
Have to see about supper at Kathy's or get a snack for mom........will check in later.
having conquered the water tank, gathered his stuff from an acreage where things were not secure and are disappearing G is off the the horses and other odd jobs so the house is quiet again -
I have been on the tub!!! :)
this a.m. I realised why I get tired when he is getting ready to go off on an expedition - got up at 7:30 and started cooking a big breakfast - bacon, french toast. various preserves, maple syrup, tea for him, coffee for me, then a half hour or more of conversation and stories - love it !!!, then cleaning up and helping him sort stuff, fielding phone calls and so on, then getting out food for him to take with him and packing it up (usually he does that but I don't mind as it gives me a chance to send the stored cookies, muffins etc his mum makes him - with him and on to other people who he stays with when he is away - otherwise they sit in the freezer for months. Made a dint in the stores this time! He left about noon and I had hardly sat down for 1/2 hr the whole time. Don't mind doing it at all as he does lots for me - just should not be surprised when I need a nap after he goes.
welcome back stormy!!! glad u have a great time - love the pics
welcome to worried - sibs can be dreadul and it usually is about $$$$ - hope you get some good legal advice - that is shameful of ur sib
ib - self preservation - definitely - have to preserve self or it all goes down the tube - I am with u
starri - u heading for seeme's spa??? - just enjoy the campfires -can u feed u and not him???
seeme - praying it all works out and u do not get more exhausted
john - good thread
shawna - hope those allergies get under control - is stress a factor???
vic - hugssss
mismiley - can you get any help so u can get a break? it is a very tough job and u are recovering from surgery??? that's a lot
ros - hope things are reasonable
ladee - bet u r looking forward to ur weekend and hope today with Sonny and Marie as OK - kisses to Diva for surviving another storm
whoever I have forgotten as my eyes droop shut, forgive me
sending all
love, hugs, and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
Still working on getting food done for the reception. We should have 50 mph winds and 4-5 inches of rain.....it has already rained once from the outer bands. Also should come ashore earlier than expected, which will help things move along. Sis is leaving about 3 am for home. She may have some wind for an hour....will write more later.........