This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Happy Birthday to Vickie Vic's Dad.... is he going to get cake and ice cream, if he is, I'll be over shortly..... love ya Vic......
Don't feel good today, don't know what's going on, just want to stay in the house where it's cool....hate this Texas heat.... we need rain...
The tomato plants I planted at M's are 5 ft tall and not a bloom or tomato one.... but we've got the tallest plants in the neighborhood....so that's saying something, maybe the bees didn't show up in time, lots of folks complaining of no tomaotes this year....
Going to take my headachey self to bed.... Have a Dr's appt in the next week or so, forgot when, but I'm paying her the big bucks to fix me.... maybe need my thryroid checked..... tired all the time, sweating more than normal, just grumpy, can't even stand myself...lol....
hugs to everyone, more later when it's cooler....
First I must welcome all the new posters to this thread.I have read all your stories, felt your frustration, and pain...n...i have definately cried tears with many of you. That is the strength that this thread has provided for so many of us. Even on the days that i had no energy to post,,,my mind has been with all of u on this thread n i haven't missed a day in the updates of all of you. You're all so special to me As for an update on my life..it goes something like this...
Dads confusion keeps getting worse while moms mental state is damn near gone. You see..my parents live at home, alone..dad is 82, mom is 83. My mom is in great physical shape, but she is mentally and emotionally failing caring for my dad. I am the only 1 of 4 kids that lives in the area..5min away, to b exact...so i make daily trips to the house for whatever needs to b done. I'm there sometimes 5x a day, but i always go home to catch my breath, kiss my hubby(he's my Greek God...not to b mistaken for my "God Da**" Greek...lol...We've been married 30yrs...my high-school sweetheart and my biggest fan...n i also must come home to get my regular kisses from my beloved dog,,,Lily. Once i have recharged...i return to my parents home n continue on until it's bedtime for all. Dad has been saying things, as of late, that lead me to believe he is going much deeper into this disease. My mom cries everyday and all i can do is wrap my arms around and tell her i love her n that i'm so sry for wat she is witnessing, The strong, wise, n capable man she married 57 yrs ago, the 1 n only love of her life, is gone, and she is grieving. I grieve with her..we try to accept the inevitable together. This sadness is heavy, and i have begun to physically break down over the last 3 years. I have already had 2 major back surgeries. I now come complete with rods, screws, n a couple of cages...sounds like they wrangled an animal, doesn't it?? Im currently going thru the horrific process of applying for disability...been going thru that since January...that's another story all together, as many of u have experienced, i'm sure.. Well...to make matters more difficult, i found out last wk that i need to have surgery on my left hand to replace a joint that has literally disintegrated( carrying in too many grocery bags, pushing wheelchairs, loading and unloading walkers etc...) u all kno that story....anyway, the surgery is on the 28th, n i will have to b in a plaster cast for 6 wks, then a soft cast for 4wks....all in all,,,it will take about 5 mnths to regain full use of my hand. I'm thankful that i am right handed! So...this puts a very different spin on my caregiving abilities, but my husband as assured me he will take my place...love that man...To add insult to injury...my therapist,,my sister, is in Europe ( i kno...that's painful to admit....) n she will b gone for 10 days. I talk with her at least twice a day, now i'm going to have to harass G.G (u kno who u r...lol..)..So between depression and physical pain, i jst hovered around the thread keeping up on all of you.,but too exhausted to post..
My thoughts n prayers go out to each n every one of you.
Vic...a very special Happy Birthday to your dad. Enjoy him...
Bek...once again,,thanku for sharing that beautiful post about mom..hugs
Jam...i love a woman who can do some lite ass-kicking in a NH...it's a requirement..love to u
Cattails....always enjoy your posts..i've learned alot of helpful things..thanx n hugs
Purplerain n Motelmilly...welcome..u hit the jackpot with this thread..hope u'll stay with us awhile..hugs to u both
Last, but not least...G.G...thanks for coming to my pity party...u were rite...a party for 1 is boring as all hell, but inviting people in is much more fun...WHEW!!!! that's jst wat i needed...many thanks...n, as usual...LYL
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO DAD!!!!!! Give him lots of hugs and kisses!!
Welcome milly....happy to see you here and hope you will find a little peace when you visit. Oh yes, a bad back seems to be a part of care giving. I'm sorry you had to give up your disability as that is a pain to go through in itself. You sound like a very loving person to have done that and moved in to take care of someone else. Come back and visit with us.
I thought I was the only one up early this morning....:)
I haven't posted for several days but have been keeping up with everyone. Went to the NH and had birthday celebration with the col last Wed. She had balloons tied to her wheelchair and a little plastic crown on her head and I don't think she had a clue! It makes me sad that in 6 months time how far she has declined mentally. Physically I think she could kick my butt...if she could lift her leg high enough. She thought my son was her nephew, didn't know either great-granddaughter, didn't have a clue who my dil was, and kept saying "I talked to Target this morning"........he just looked at me with this strange look. I noticed she kept poking her right ear so I looked....yep missing hearing aid. I showed my ass and landed again in the middle of the administrator. I simply said "for $5000 a month I expect a little more diligence and don't tell me perhaps she laid it down somewhere, because if y'all were doing your job you would have found it".....a little witchy? I really didn't care as they now have lost both aids and I don't think we should have to replace them.
So, how is everyone else today and what do you have planned for the weekend?
Sending love and hugs your way!
Prayers for everyone and I hope you all have the best day possible.
-Diane Ackerman
"One Hundred Names for Love: A Stroke, A Marriage, and the Language of Healing", 2011
Just a thought with Sman n M that, she may be getting frustrated or jealous n she may be causing some of the bruising like on his wrist n he may be doing himself on the face out of frustration?
btw, That felt very good for a moment to be fired, thanks. ; )
We had to bury grandma kitty yesterday for she was probable in her 90's in human life. I had to get hubby to get her from underneath the car for she is mostly an outdoor cat. She had ants on her, this was before she passed. I tried to get her take water twice from eye dropper n she wasn't having it. I then got the little pest ass ants off her about 10 of them damn thangs! I wrap her up n brought her inside out of the heat n wipe her with a cool wet rag n put her in a huge dog cage. She was not in any pain, just I guess it was her time to go any day. I hesitated to tell mnl but she had already saw her. Hubby didn't won't his mom back their but I felt she needed to say her good-byes for it was part her cat. That cat would walk with her across the street when the mnl live over in the other house. She even walk with her down the street like a little dog when mnl use to walk up the block with no complaints. So, I let her go back to say her goodbyes. I done what I thought was best for even though she has moderate AD she is a Human being n has Feelings too. I explained it to hubby n not sure if he understood or if he was worry she going to flip out. I wouldn't had done it if I even thought that would happen. Mnl did very good back their n cried as I cried with her n I told her she was not in any pain that it was just her time to go for she is a very old kitty. She understood n I took her out of the room. Hubby n I would check on her n I would continue to wet a little rag on her n had a fan going lightly n some shaded area if she needed it. Took mnl out of the house to get her mind off of her old kitty n when we got back she was gone to pet- heaven. Neither one of us said anything to her n I am not unless she asked abour her, for she said her good bye's yesterdayn I don't won't to upset the mnl too much. We buried her in backyard with her little blankey without mnl even knowning late yesterday. She lived a great life n she was not in any pain n now she is in kitty heaven.
Well, I got to go give my two indoor kitty's some big hugs n remember to appreciate every day you have for nothing last forever.
Notlike: I just wanted to say how sorry I am about Rebel. I love, love, love my dogs and I have lost 2 very special ones. Both were like my soul mates although they were night and day from each other. Still, they had a lot in common. A love and loyalty; a way of making you feel whole when you felt you were in pieces. They would make my heart swell with love for them. I miss them both so much, but I am so grateful I got to have them in my life. What a blessing they were. I often hear people say that losing their pet was so painful that they could never have another. My Kate was with me for almost 11 years. When she passed away it was the worst. My husband and I were heart sick. But then I met a friend for lunch one day. She was big time into dog rescue and was up to her eyeballs in foster dogs. She had this one, cattle dog, border collie mix, sitting in the front seat of her car when we met for lunch. It was recovering from leg surgery and it went home with me that day. That was my Sky dog. She was so amazing. She was 5 when we got her and passed away last September from cancer. She was 10 years old at the time and I felt so cheated. She was so strong and I would thought she would have made it to 15 years for sure. We lost her a month before we brought my dad home from rehab to live with us. I don't feel I've ever really had a chance to grieve loosing her as it has been night and day with my dad since last July.
Anyway, I don't mean to go on about our pets, but they are such special members of the family. Please give Rebel a hug and kiss for me. He'll be in good company in the afterlife.
Hugs, Cattails
I think your dad will likely pass soon. The test results will come, but the writing is pretty much on the wall. His quality of life seems so limited. I pray for his peaceful passing. I hope your sis can get into some counseling after your dad is gone. She is going to need help stepping back into a life of her own. Be prepared that she may have some anger and difficultly with the transition. Don't take it personal and try to relieve her sadness by acknowledging her dedication. You will probably need to do this often because she will need it, but then you can turn your gaze to Conner and let the light flood into your life. It will be a good balance.
Wanted to say more to others, but Dad needs to use the bathroom so got to go for now. Hugs to all, Cattails
I am so sorry about your dog being sick; they are like part of the family. Hugs.
Vic and lil deb- hope you both are doing ok. Thanks again for congratulating connor on his graduation the other night. He is my lil man. I love him to pieces.
Ladee- Love you girlie. So you want to be a auntie or a granny???? lol.
Cattails- thank you for your post the other day. Connor is definitely a blessing to me. He is the reason i am still here and not completely insane, YET.......... He is my lil rock. Sis did go to his graduation the other night. I'm glad she went to see him in all his glory.lol I think back on 2 years ago how things were so different between me and her. We are still close but it is different somehow, maybe not as close. I know that she made a decision a long time ago to step up and take care of mom or dad which ever one needed it. But i think she thought it would be mom because she was the one with the congestive heart failure. But mom was active and was able to look after her self and then she died very suddenly. I think my sister just never thought that we would be looking after dad and i didn't either. I know this sounds terrible but i am ready to get on with my life with my family without having to be consumed by caregiving. Don't get me wrong, i love my dad and i hate that he is going through all of this and i see that his breathing is getting worse and will probably continue to get worse. Sis i know is tired of this she has got to be, plus her not being able to go home but once a week. She will be the worse one out of the three of us if dad dies. I will be there for her to help her through the grief. I still believe she is living in a fantasy world that dad is not getting better. I think she would be content not to know the results of dads tests because she is in denial and doesn't want to face it. Well i better get to bed, thanks again Love and Hugs to you stormyy
Ladee - we love you! And you can call me anything you want, except late for dinner! LOL
So very tired. Work has been really busy, and going to the gym is fun but makes me tired, too. I am glad I'm able to get there though, and have some time to myself.
Mom thinks she has a UTI. She made herself an appointment for tomorrow. I'm glad she is able to do things for herself, but I think it will just be that much harder when she can't anymore. It's a fine line going between doing for her and letting her do for herself. At least she told me about it.
Stormy - call the nurse. At least she can tell you how to get the results. Hugs.
Vic-I'm thinking of you and sending good thoughts. I know it's hard to keep on doing what you're doing, and watching your Dad decline. You are so important to your parents, and a good example to me. Bless you!
My Rebel dog gets worse each day. Now he won't take treats except for Barkin Bacon, and would barely eat the ice cubes Mom crushed up for him. I don't think it will be too much longer. But he has this sweet look on his face, like he's amused with us. I hope he is remembering happier days.
Goodnight, and better tomorrows.