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Pam, Good for you. Day spas are my favorite place. I go every week. I have to do something fun.
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So sorry Lola, can you share more of your situation with us? We can listen and maybe even help.

I can pray for you for now.

(((Hugs)))
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Well lately I been living in my car thanks to a very abusive dad
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Bittersweet cheering you on for a new normal that takes into account that you matter.

Go girl, you can do it!
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@isthisrealyreal. Thanks for your kind words and support. My mother has ALWAYS been a very difficult woman. Always looking for an argument. But it is me who has allowed her to be so cruel to me. So Sunday when I stood up to her it just infuriated her. She didn't want me anywhere near her...so I'm going to give her that space she wants.
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Bittersweet, you don't have to be her scratching post.

I would take a break and not see her this week and I would NOT take her out of the facility this weekend.

You are a grown woman and you do NOT have to accept abuse from anyone.

Let her think about her behavior until next Tuesday and when you go visit if she gets ugly you can tell her that you are leaving and you hope that she thinks about how to treat you better, because you are not going to be her scratching post and you will not be visiting her if she can't be civil. Better late than never when dealing with parents that think they can scratch us up and we should just smile and take it.

Great big warm hug!
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I'm really not feeling too good today. The history between me and my mother is too lengthy to get into right now. Let's just say my mother treats me differently than anyone else in the world including my 3, never seen, brothers. She has guilted me all my life, expected more from me, belittled me, criticized me, and has given countless nasty digs whenever given an opportunity. And who is the one that's always been there for her? You guessed it...G.O.D.......Good Ol Daughter. She lived with me for 12 miserable years. Constantly asking me where I'm going, where I've been, what time am I coming home, who am I going with.....etc. BTW, I'm in my 60's now. Mom had a stroke 2 years ago and it was necessary to put her in a home. I have been a constant source of caring with many visits and picking her up on Saturday and Sunday to get her out. I do her laundry, pay her bills, subscribe to her newspaper, sees that she goes to the hairdresser. And who puts up with her bull$#!T? Well, that would be me. This past Sunday was the straw that broke the camel's back. We got into a huge argument and she said some unkind words and I stood up to her saying it wasn't nice what she said and it was very mean. It went downhill from there and she shook her fist at me threatening to "Punch" me. (Her word) I took her back to the NH and I haven't been to see her since. (Today is Wednesday) I always go every Tuesday and Thursday. This week I feel as though I want to punish her and not go at all nor do I want to pick her up this weekend. I'm at the point where I wish she would just die already. She's almost 96, enough already. Somebody please, speak some words or wisdom and comfort to me. I feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
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Kellse,
So very sorry for your loss.
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I know it shouldn't be funny but I couldn't help laugh when I heard this on reddit by nocuddlingallowed.

"My nanny lived in a long term care home for the last bit of her life. Her roommate was always signing &, god bless her soul, she was awful. So, my nanny was sleeping & Rose was singing her tune when all of the sudden my nanny woke up & shouted, "ROSE, BE QUIET. CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO DIE?" … She passed 2 days later without saying much more. It made everyone feel better about her death. She was a supremely funny lady."
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Kellse, my condolences. I read your comment and felt such deep sadness. I understand that 'drained' feeling. Remember, you were there for your mom when she needed you most (dealing with the day-to-day living). Unfortunately sometimes, we give what we can to help them and still end up with what I call 'caregiver's guilt'. Yeah, death is not for the weak. {shudder} … {{{HUGS}}}
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Kelse, sorry about your Mom, I know you did everything possible to make her life special and you took very good care of her. I hope you have good support from family and friends during this difficult time. Take care!
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kellse, so, so sorry. Some don't want their loved ones with them at the time, You did the best you could for your mother. I wasn't there when my mum passed. The roads were horrific that day, I had seen her the evening before and I made a judgement call not to risk it. We can only do what we can do. (((((((hugs))))) Please look after you.
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Country, She died maybe 15 minutes before i got there. She was still warm.Honestly death is not for the weak. I know that sounds strange
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Kellse, I am so sorry for your loss.
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I'm so sorry, Kellse.

Do you have anyone with you for support? How were you notified?

Silly of me to ask questions now - take time, let it sink in, feel better. Hugs to you.
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My Mom died today. I am just drained. I feel an almost unbearable guilt as she yesterday asked me not to leave when i first got there and i left at 9 pm.
I am extremely lucky that she has most of her marbles and I didnt have to go through what a lot of you guys have.
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Yea, book there must be all sorts of wild stories out there.
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I was listening to Reddit while adding to my book list of new e-books I've 'purchased' from Amazon. I paused when this came up. Made me so very sad.... I recall reading stories from other posters here on AC about their dementia parent forgetting they cannot stand, and then try to get off their wheelchair or their hospital bed...

Reddit: Doctors, what is Your "How the Hell are You even Alive Right Now!" Story? …. One poster: It's a toss up between the guy who shot himself in the neck with a crossbow..... OR this old guy with dementia who fell down the stairs, broke his neck & his hip, and was still walking around A&E screaming "WHY DOES IT HURT WHEN I WALK?!"
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Mom is spiffing up too! Tomorrow at 9 I am taking her for a cut and perm, She goes to a local elderly lady who works out of her house, and for local nursing homes and MCs.. only 30 for a perm and cut! And both like the casinos so they have lots to talk about! This lady actually showed mom how to get the casino games on her tablet ( no money involved, the free ones) when mom would just blow hubs and I off.., so we love her!
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Way to go PamZ I'm going for a nail appointment soon. Gotta keep things up!
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Well today I am feeling pretty OK.. Time to keep up the "doing something for ME" and "no negativity" mantra I have been working on.. so here goes. I finally got new glasses a few weeks ago,, took DD to pick out the frames so I don't look like granny.. I love them! So yesterday I got my hair done. Normally I go 3-4 times a year for highlights to hide the "tinsel", and get trims to my sort of long hair as needed. I told my trusted gal to "do what you will",, we went back to my reddish caramel highlights that I used to do,, the blond ones were looking washed out with my brown hair. And I told her to cut it,, it is now just under my chin.. and hubs and I love it.. but especially the color is a big change. And I friend I have been sort of avoiding and I got together and went out flea/antique looking. had a great lunch, just piddled around. She was more upbeat today, didn't whine about work, etc the whole time so we are going to bump our friendship back up. I have really missed how she used to be before things got in the way.
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Lost,please do what's right for you and DH. Mom will adjust.
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We took Mom to a health & rehab center today where she will be going to respite care in Oct while we visit one of our sons & grandchildren. We haven’t seen them in 4 yrs!! This place has skilled nursing so she is on the waiting list. Mom knows that. The admissions director tells Mom about the facility & takes her on a tour. Mom is cheerful, talking to nurses & when we got back to her office, she asked her “when can I move in?” It was explained that there were no rooms available currently & Mom replies, “ well, hurry it up”.
Honestly her reaction is too good to be true. She called a friend when home & told her all about it. I’m wondering if this is all put on because only weeks ago she’s accusing me & my brother of abandoning her.
I need help with her, fell again last night. With my back & my husband hurting his on the last lift, I called 911 for lifting help. They told her she gets 1 freebie & if falls again, she has to go to the hospital. She didn’t like that!
Just don’t trust mom with her behavior today. I think she’ll probably return to her ole narcisstic self by tomorrow.
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I am stressed over all of the paperwork needed for applying for veterans aid and assistance.

It’s quite a bit. I hope I can get it all done. Asking everyone for prayers please. Thanks.
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I was amazed how stoic I became with my mom her last week. I spent practically every waking minute by her side. I wanted to be there when she took her last breath. As it turned out I wasn't.

I always had this thought that just before she died she would wake up and see me there and smile. I hated the thought that she woke up and no one was there. I guess I'll never know.
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Buster,

Sorry for your loss. I suppose that is the easiest way to die, simply go to sleep and not wake up. I am terrified of that happening to my mom in our home. I wish that I would not fear it but I do. Especially if I find her and I am alone. I’m not sure that I can handle that.
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I don't know if this qualifies as help to all you wonderful caregivers. My MIL died in her sleep last Tuesday. My wife, the caregiver, is having trouble regaining her balance. Her much loved mother is gone. But caregiving has taken its tole. Back pain from constant changing and transfers. Gained weight from snacking instead of a good diet. You caregivers know the drill. Lack of sleep, no time for yourself, phone tag with doctors offices, robocalls from hotels you never stayed in, constant laundry. And I must pass on the greatest trick from a hospice nurse. If you are cleaning up from a "blowout", use a can of shaving cream with your wipes. Much faster. Cheers all of you angels.
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Lostinva,

Ouch! So sorry. Hope you find good help and hope that you will feel better soon.
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Mentally I feel better, I’ve decided it’s not worth an argument when my mother starts her narcisstic behavior, I ignore her now.
Physically not so well. Have a hx of degenerative disc disease with previous steroid injections & the radiating pain even at rest & tingling has returned. Saw ortho today, set up with MRI & injections. My helping Mom up, all the bending has come to a halt. I’ll have to get some help with showering as my husband has no desire to help her out of the shower. 😳
Its rough to be a caretaker!!!
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Pam,

It’s a deal, honey! We will skip Bourbon St. though and I will take you to where the locals go. 😊
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