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Alva.

The tests showed no spread and the bone test shows it is not in his bones.

So why did the doctors say it’s aggressive?

I guess I don’t understand how cancer operates.

How can it be aggressive if it hasn’t spread?
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Thanks, Pam.

I never turn down warm wishes thoughts or prayers.

I don’t want to be scared. I do have thoughts that enter my mind occasionally and it does get scary.

I love him so much and can’t imagine a world without him.
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Alva,

Your words really hit home with me on many things.

Of course I don’t have your knowledge as a nurse. I am trying to stay informed. My husband is really good at details. It’s in his nature. He’s an engineer and he is very precise in his thinking.

The nurse sent my husband home with a folder with lots of information.

My husband said in the folder there are websites listed online that show actual videos of the procedures. He is planning on watching them. Maybe I will watch them too. His nurse encouraged him to watch the videos so he can see what is entailed during his time of treatment.

My husband has been working remotely since March and I guess I got used to that. He has been going into his office occasionally and I suppose being alone caused my mind to wonder more. How did your partner handle your diagnosis?

I can’t imagine how it feels to hear the words, “You have cancer.” I am so sorry that you endured that but so thankful that you survived.

I find myself wanting to pick up the phone to call a friend but I won’t betray him by breaking my word to remain silent.

I wonder if he will still want me to remain silent after his 40 radiation treatments.

I am not a person who tells their hairstylist everything that goes on like some women.

I have never told my neighbors all of my personal business.

I am talking about sharing this with one or two close friends.

When I told my husband that I wanted to tell a couple friends his response was, “No, if you tell one person, then they spread it and I don’t want others to know. It’s my health, my business. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone.” So, I let it go and said, “Fine, I will remain silent if that’s what you want.” That’s where it stands.

Have you found this as a nurse? That some people like to keep their health issues very private.

He has always been private and independent.

He has never been an open book so I suppose that I shouldn’t be surprised how he is dealing with his situation.

Thanks so much for listening to my concerns and offering help. I appreciate it greatly.
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NHWM I am thinking about you and your hubs, Praying for you and offering mental support. This is a scarey thing, and you have made the best choice for you both.
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NeedHelp, having cancer, or supporting someone who does, is the trip of a lifetime. It is confusing with everyone having an opinion of how you should do it, and everyone have a story about someone they know who............. and on and on and on. You literally get a little bit nutsy. When I had my diagnosis 34 years ago and knew it was in my nodes, and aggressive, I would play solitaire and however many cards I got up top were numbers of years I would live. If I got none I would say "This is a ridiculous game", if I got 52 I would say "I can't live that long even it it DOESN'T kill me" and if I got four or five I would say "OK. That's good. I will take that". I tried to run from the fear. To be positive. It makes you loonie if you are a nurse because you already know you are in basically a lottery and will make it or you won't. Yet now you victimize yourself further by trying to pretend that you have the cure at hand if you can only be positive enough. I will tell you I ran until one night my partner was overnight for work and I sat up in bed full of dread and said "OK, this could KILL ME". It wasn't until I started to talk about it, to admit I couldn't know, to admit it was a guessing game and I was making the best guesses I could, that I was OK. Once I just let the dread in, and began to talk about it and let myself feel whatever I wanted to feel, positive, negative, what have you, I felt so much better. There are times I would wobble and think "Oh, it's in my brain" or get a shin splint and think "Oh, it's in the bone" or get short of breath and think "in my lungs". After a year I was not so scared, and had learned a lot. After two years even less scared, but I was scared that I wasn't scared so it might sneak up. Now it is so long ago I can hardly recognize who I was then, and what it was like.
I think the basic thing I would say is just let yourself feel whatever you want to feel. And when he is ready to talk, just listen. Don't try to make it better, or reassure or anything. Just let him have his say. If he wants to discuss "If worse comes to worse....(I DID), then let him." When an iffy xray made them scan my lung I told my mate, no more treatment. He let me talk and said "I wish you would fight a bit harder to stay with me but I will be here for you whatever your decision is". He may never want to think or talk about it.
The friends thing would be hard for me, yeah. I get that for sure. But just you two do it your way. There is NO right way. You have your faith. I hope that is helpful. I didn't, but I wouldn't have known what to do with it if I did, hee hee.
You can't stay scared all the time. You will come up and you will see and feel great joy and beauty, and you will treasure one another all the more.
You will both be there for one another. That is huge.
Do you sleep well? Sleep was my "great escape".
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Send and cwille,

I will look into a cancer support group online and also see what therapy is available too.

It is hard to keep this to myself but I feel a bit better now after hearing your responses.

Lets hope the hurricanes don’t come our way again and interrupt or delay any treatments.

My husband will have forty radiation treatments. We really want these to be behind us.

We looked at both options of removal of his prostate and radiation and the doctors agree that in his case both options have an equal amount of success for a cure.

Of course, surgery is more invasive and risks of side effects are greater. Radiation has much fewer side effects.
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Polar,

Please keep reminding me that he will be okay. I really needed to hear that!

I find myself crying at times thinking, “What if these treatments don’t work?”

Everything is done in stages and I think everything being spread out has created more anxiety for me. It’s weeks between new scheduling can begin for the following steps.

Tomorrow he goes in for his trial run with simulation. Sunday he begins his actual treatments. Normally it would begin on Monday but since it’s a holiday week they are bumping it up so he can have off for Thanksgiving.

If he is scared, he doesn’t show it much. I know that he is concerned but he is immersing himself in his work. He’s always been a hard worker.

He never wants to be a burden on anyone. Only his work and our daughters know about his diagnosis.

Again, I really needed to hear your supportive words. They mean more to me than I can express with words. Thank you for your compassion.
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Chris,

I guess I can try that. I used to journal when my therapist suggested it before.

Once when mom was here, she saw me writing in my notebook, my private thoughts! I walked into the kitchen to get a coffee and when I went back into my living room she was reading it.

Oh my gosh, she lit into me, trashed my therapist for telling me to journal. It wasn’t pretty. Those words on the page weren’t meant for anyone else to read but me.

You’re right, journaling can help. My husband is mostly working remotely and he doesn’t have a nosey nature like my mom so I think I will try to journal again.

Thank you for your kindness. I appreciate it. I don’t feel like myself during all of this. I find that I am on edge.

Sorry, that I can’t articulate my feelings very well at the moment.

I feel odd, almost like a fake or like I am deceiving myself and my friends by not being able to share.

Yet, I don’t wish to put myself ahead of my husband during this difficult time in his life and disrespect him by sharing his personal health issues with others.
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Perhaps an online support group for families and friends of those with cancer might be helpful NHWM?
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NHWM- How is your husband responding to the treatment? I understand completely how worried and stressed you are about him. But you must stay positive and have faith that he will recover and be cancer free when the treatment is done.

He will be fine. Believe it. And when people ask, you tell them he is fine because he is going to be fine. Have faith, dear lady.
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NHWM,
You won't feel like a liar if you just say to friends: "I cannot say, but thanks for asking".
It is a hugely difficult time for you, in so many areas, as well as the Covid alerts we all deal with.
I know what it is like needing to talk to someone, but not being able to say so many things. For privacy of the other person, makes it hard too.
Maybe you could ask one or two people and send a private message. They could delete it after reading.
I think that you do need some support right away, and a therapist is also a good way to refocus all those emotions rising to the surface, and you can say anything to a trusted therapist. The phone. Therapists are using the phone now as a perfectly acceptable way to stay in touch, and have it covered by health insurance.
If you might be at a mindset where you fear going for help because those tears are going to do away with you, just let it out a bit at a time.
Maybe someone who knows you better will reach out to you on a private message.
But I hear you, just wanted to acknowledge that.
Have you even been able to unpack from the evacuations yet?
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NeedHelp, so sorry to hear you are in this situation. I understand the need to respect your husband’s privacy but that this creates a lot of tension and stress for you. I know it’s not the same as talking to someone, but I’m wondering whether it would help you to write down what you would say to your close friends and relatives if you were free to say what is really happening and how you feel? I have found this a helpful technique over the past year. It has helped me to get the various thoughts out of my head when they become overwhelming. If you’re worried about committing private and confidential thoughts to paper, you can always destroy them afterwards. It’s getting the thoughts out that’s most important, and you would still be respecting your husband’s desire for privacy. Hope this helps, and sending support your way.
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My husband is very private and I respect that. I feel so alone in this stressful time because he doesn’t want me to discuss his cancer with anyone.

I have this forum and don’t get me wrong, I am grateful but I find myself on the verge of tears when others ask me how he is and I have to respond by saying, “He’s fine.”

I will not betray his wishes. I love him so much. I am trying to get through this alone. I don’t want to feel resentful. He is entitled to his feelings and I know that he has his reasons for his privacy. He knows I chat on the forum and he is fine with that but for me it would be nice to be able to speak to my friends.

I was wondering if anyone else has dealt with this situation and can offer some advice to me. I would appreciate it.

I suppose that I could look into therapy but it isn’t the same as speaking to my close friends.

The other thing that concerns me is I find myself feeling like a liar with my friends and my cousins that I see from time to time.

Thanks for listening to my thoughts and concerns.
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Book, I think of you often I have missed you. Great to see you. How is covid in your area of the world?
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I've wondered how you are too, book, and how you are managing with covid. (((((hugs)))))
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I'm sorry, cwillie. After I posted yesterday, I went into depression. I still find it difficult to come here. I read the comments below, struggled hard not to respond, and logged out. I couldn't do anything until I logged in and posted to Martz. No more compulsion but .... down the rabbit hole... I'm doing fine, thanks. =)
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It's good to see you bookluvr, just yesterday I was wondering if you were OK!!
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Martz06, I get those once in a while. What's worse is that dark bruise on you upper inner thigh just about 2 inches above the inner knee. How the heck did that get there?!

Do you have POA for your father? I learned from my parents how helpless it is when I didn't have one for either of them. I cannot go in with them to see the doctor (clinic & ER). They won't discuss their diagnose with me - just the nurse handing me the prescription note. No mention of my parent(s) health - due to HIPAA - and my having no POA.

As for the trust issue... in my decades of helping my parents, my dad never trusted me to make any decisions because I was a female - who knows nothing. I got around this by asking my young 17 year old nephew to 'visit' us, and say, 'Grandma doesn't look so good. I think she needs to go to the ER.' After days of my trying to get him to take mom to the ER, in that few minutes with my nephew, my dad told me to call 911... I believe you will find a way around your father. *\o/*
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Anyone else ever been so stressed and you look down and see a huge blue and purple bruise half the size of your foot and not remember hitting it? You would think I’m the one with dementia 😆
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Long day again today. I’m thinking it’s time for my father to stop cooking. His stew was undercooked. And he tells me he can’t remember how to bake his cookies from scratch. I’ve asked a friend of mine who’s a chef to cook up some renal friendly meals for him and we would pay her. When I told him she’s going to make him some meals, he said no I enjoy cooking and doing it myself. Everything I suggest lately he says no to. My husband says I just need to force things on him so he doesn’t burn the guest house down, even if he gets upset.
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Polar Bear, I so agree with you; last thing we need is to cause Forum to reflect the division that our country has seen/is seeing. Best we can all do with this is hope for the best, and come together even recognizing we may not agree on some issues.
Eeeek, Martz, what a lot of confusion over the medications. You know, not a whole lot you can do about it, as it is basically the aging process, and some loss of mentation. Sure enough all that is an exercise in "not everything can be fixed".
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I had a stressful day. We are in between Dr’s right now since my fathers Dr. retired. New Dr. can’t see him for a couple of months and my father tells me he has only 3 weeks of seizure meds left. So I make an appt with a neurologist he saw last year so he can get his pills. He yells at me...I’m never seeing her again!!! (She talked to him about driving so he’s still angry). I said you have to in order to get your pills. He said no!!! I will just take half of my medication! So I’m stressed out on the phone with my sister trying to convince her to talk with him. Then my father tells me I think I have 3 months of medication. So yes I looked it up and a 3 month supply was filled recently, he has plenty. If he would let me manage things for him, like meds and Dr. appts we wouldn’t have this problem. How do you convince a stubborn person with dementia you need to take over when they feel they can still do things themselves but they apparently can’t? 🤷‍♀️ How do you get them to trust you after trying to have their license revoked? 🤷‍♀️ And how do you stay sane while dealing with your own health issues?
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Artist - it's best to keep politics out of the forum. It's the lighting rod for a lot of people, me included.
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Ffirst off, I am praying this horrid president will exit quietly should he lose And I pray he does lose by a landslide. Anyway, caregiving has become my way of life now and for last 20 years or so. I've tried to accept it but now I'm finding my health hasn't been very good for the last few years In addition some days I want to just lay in bed and watch television as i am losing energy and motivation. I do see a mental health doc who has prescribed anti depressants. I truly don't know if they are helping me. The days go so fast. No sooner do I fix breakfast for my mother, it's time to cook dinner. Thank you for listening
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I thought 7 months ago-more than 230 days now-that new community was doing a good job with sis-Had to move her from the previous one due to horrible treatment, falls, injuries, loosing weight, scabies.

On sunday sis fell for the 3 time.-chair alarm went off-by the time aid got to the room sis was on the floor on her back. Big red bleeding abrasion on the back of her head. They call me and suggest she go to the ER. I say yes definitely. 6 hours later-no injuries on Xray etc. but urine shows UTI. sis looked bad to me-flushed face, crying about every 5 mins-anyone who has had a UTI knows it hurts A LOT!!!! Sis drank 2 large cups of water and a protein shake I brought along-knowing we would be in the ER for a while. Sis has been loosing weight at the current place 20 pounds and counting in spite of them telling me she is offered protein supplement 4 times a day. Now see a med ordered for a yeast infection on top of the UTI. Blood pressure increasing for sis now needs 2 BP meds. Also been treated for scabies again-no one knew what it was and due to covid could not get sis into dermatology office until months later when they said yes this is scabies......ER day sis is in her PJ at 4 pm arrival to hospital. Later i ask staff why was she not in clothes today.....Staff says it was the weekend we do not "make" residents get dressed. Sis on 4 anti psychotic drugs due to all the crying-i believe is related to the horrible rash that went on for months. I could not take sis out and i tried to get an earlier appointment but not available either. I mention to DON when the skin is clear-which is now-can we please discuss cutting down on psych drugs. She says why the drugs are working...... NO the skin is better-staff is telling sis is doing much better now and no crying. I spend hours most days i call to check in trying to get someone to answer the phone-the system does not let you leave a message-i am not calling at meal time or bed time. They are keeping patients in their rooms due to staff covid cases, there have not been any activities for months. I was told the psych dr. had done an eval and wanted to up her meds. I called psych dr. and was told no he has not visited in several months-he did not do the eval.......I no longer have a good feeling about this place. I considered bringing sis home-it is not a long term solution. sis needs 24 hour care. My parents receive only average care-loads of unconcerned CG turn up every week and do as little as possible to be helpful. Finding good reliable support for home care is nearly impossible in my opinion. I am one person I can not do the work of 4-5 people every day all day.
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I was heartbroken when I had to put my 13 year old dog down. They become part of the family. It’s tough.

I am so sorry your pooch has lymphoma.

My vet kept telling me that it was time and not to allow him to suffer. I took comfort in not wanting to see him suffer but it’s still very hard.

We grieve for them and miss them greatly.
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Anyone else feel like one bad thing after another keeps happening? I found out today my 12 year old dog has lymphoma cancer. I am not taking it well. She’s my first dog. I had always been a cat person until my husband brought home a dog 12 years ago. Not sure how to deal with this on top of everything else.
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Better now, but what a day! We met DD at car tint place for her new car, ( where thier card reader was not working) then out to lunch with gift certs from last Christmas . The reader at the restaurant would not read them,, so the waitress had to take them off to process,, then my bank card would not read,, so DD had to use hers. Seems our table top unit was not working right. Then we locked ourselves out of my new fancy smacey truck,, which supposedly can't happen if the keys are in the truck... Oh yes we found the one way it can. So then to get in,, we have to call the assist number,, phones all locked in the truck! Luckily I could remember my passwords ( and we all have about a 100 at this point) So DD loaded Ford pass into her phone and we were able to get in before the service came, she cancelled them! At least if we get locked out again she can let me in,, unless I can;t call her...LOL And we were trying to call Mom to tell her where we were and why we were late.. she's mostly deaf so it took 4 calls!! Tomorrow I am taking my BFF with the broken ankle ( now in a walking cast) to the outlets to shop.. God help us all!
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I have a migraine today and dealing with my fathers anger lately has brought on more seizures. Sigh 😔 . On the plus side, my no responsibility sister, is moving to a tropical island and buying a beach home. Must be nice 😁 Wish I was her
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Hey girl, I can relate to what you’re going through. God bless you. It’s difficult caring for my 95 y.o. mother. She processes everything I say to her very slowly & repeats herself constantly. She’s always been controlling & feisty (which really means she’s a bully). I told her that when she screams my name I feel like I am 10 years old again and how that voice used to scare me do much. She said “now you scare me”. Under my breath I said “pay back”. That’s not nice of me. But I speak loudly to her because she doesn’t hear me otherwise. She sees it as I’m yelling at her.
Her actions make me so irritated. She wants to go with me everywhere!! I feel like I’m suffocating sometimes. I need my space. I came to live with her after my beloved husband passed two years ago. Happy & content for 40 years was how I lived. Now I’m back - I guess to work out the past? - living with an older, more irritating mother than when I left. I love her, but it’s her behavior that makes me occasionally get angry. So, it does make me feel better knowing there are other caregivers experiencing similar behavior from their aging parents too.
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