This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
When my mom was Finally Officially diagnosed (family had their heads hiding under the sand for 3 yrs), we had a family meeting with the neurologist. My oldest brother (age 29), Dad (age 62) and I (age 24) attended the meeting. Mom was 57 years old at the time. The doctor said that this is the time that the family must pull together and help out because this will be a long hard road. Years. sigh... I thought 'years' was like 5 years. Instead it ended up 23 years later... Your BFF will need all the help she can get. My fave sis was my spiritual helper (spiritual - as in my spirit, soul, not religious kind) - she treated me out to lunch, to some shopping, etc.. I even called her a few times, crying because we had no food in the house and I was soooo hungry. She dropped everything and came over with take out dinner and grocery for our pantry. I have a feeling, Pam, that you will be BFF's spiritual helper. {Hugs}
I live in a small island. Driving 35mph around the island only takes 2 hours - without stopping at the beach for a swim or taking pictures at tourist spots. Auto repair shops are in high demand. My nephew is now my layperson mechanic - if I can just pin him down to do the repairs. However, I'm seriously thinking it's time to seek the professionals on my brake problem - which is happening a lot.
I have a 2009 Corolla, purchased in 2008. My mileage is only 48,600. I spent most of my car's life driving to home/work - full time job and taking over bedridden parents when I was off work. They finally built a Corolla to last. Major repairs started happening 2 years ago... I'm really going to have to check my brakes. Hmmm.. You just reminded me. Maybe it's time to text nephew if he's available to test drive my car and find out what's wrong with my brakes (seems like the pedal is stuck when pressed all the way down and then I feel a click when it pops up.)
Also, you can address him as significant other, but other half works (smile). I am very vigilant and alert for any signs. I went through a verbal and abusive relationship (marraige) at 19 and ended up in the hospital 3 x. Will not allow this to escalate. If it does he will be going to his brother's or an assisted living center. I don't forsee my honey getting physically violent with me as he never has in the 30 years we have been together. I am learning to say "no" though. I fixed dinner (what he requested)tonight and 15 minutes after he refused to eat he wanted ice cream. I told him no, maybe later. He told me it was a good dinner but he wanted something else so this is why he ate about two bites and then refused to eat. Had to have the FD out earlier this afternoon to get him up after he tipped his walker while trying to sit on it and fell (no injury, thank Heaven). If he was over 70 would be easier to understand but he is only 65. I am on the verge of requesting a conference with all three of his doctors to see if they can figure out what is going on. His blood pressure and heart rate are all good. The EMT's were concerned with the amount of swelling that he has. I let them know that doctors are aware and are working to treat it.
Unfortunately, I also know what it's like to have friends and relatives pass away or have a wedding and not be able to attend. Stuck at home caregiving. No one to cover for us - not even for an hour. I'm so sorry.
Car repairs are one of my worst fears. Somehow, I must have something on my forehead that says, 'Sucker'. I'm quite bitter about that topic.... You have too many things going on. Take a deep breathe, and make a list on what you can do now and what just needs to be done later - when you have the funds for it. I wish you well on overcoming each of these obstacles life has thrown at you. {Hugs}.
Jeep CVS joint is out, cat is overdue shots, was supposed to go sign to close out the old bank account for her, my friends from church man was in same decline as mom died this morning. I can't be there for her and it is killing me. I USED to hunt Morel-Mushrooms and am already in withdrawel for that since I can't leave her even though I know they are not quite ready yet. Chickens are almost out of food again. And never got my taxes done for the heat credit!! But tax lady said no worry since I don't make enough to PAY so it will only be for the "credits" and there is a few months before THAT deadline. But tomorrow will be better. Just have to finish out today.
You mentioned that you are seeing something in your MIL that leads you to believe that she could get aggressive. Just recently I have seen the same thing in my honey though and though I don’t believe he would ever hurt me if he ever did I would be calling his brother to come and get him. I told my honey when we first got together that if he ever hit me, he would be out the door so fast it would make his head spin. That still goes. Again just recently I have had to stop him when he gets really derogatory verbally and advise him I will not tolerate verbal disrespect or meanness from him and that seems to defuse the situation. He grumbles but it stops. He told me to pack my s…. one day if I did not like how he was talking to me. I told him I am not going anywhere(this is my house) and again let him know his verbal meanness will stop as I will not tolerate it. I then headed to my study and did not talk to him, even when helping him, for the rest of the day. He got the message.
I cannot work right now (though I need to) as I can't leave him for any length of time. So I am working to start my own business.
My sanity saver is my art. I am an animal illustrator and animal portrait artist. This helps me center myself and gives me inner peace (along with counting to 10 occasionally, ha, ha, ha). Have a great night and hang in there!
Stood in line to view my cousin in her coffin :( I so hate looking at deceased people. My siblings forced me to see dead mom and then dead dad in the coffin. They Insisted I needed Closure. Really????? ... Anyway, my cousin's husband, then their 2 teenage children, cousin's mom and aunty were at the standing at the front pew to greet. Cousin's brother and sisters and in-laws were standing on the end of the pew.
As I walked up to cousin's husband, I only met him when my cousin died. I didn't know if I should shake his hand? Quick cheek-to-cheek greeting? I was going for the cheek-to-cheek. I was quite surprised to feel his arm go around my upper shoulder. Ohhh.. It's a family greeting and not a stranger greeting! As we parted, all of a sudden, I had terrible goosebumps. My arms hairs were standing up so high. As I went to hug young teenage daughter, my arms hairs were doing its best to stand up straight. I then hugged the older teen son. I had to stop because I couldn't handle those goosebumps. Before hugging my favorite aunty (cousin's mother), my whole body literally shook so hard. Whew! ... Anyway, next was my favorite male cousin. He was only going to give me a token hug (stranger-style). Instead, I grabbed him, pulled myself on tiptoe and hugged him hard. He stiffened. Then he relaxed and pulled me hard to him for a great big cousin hug... I'm not an affectionate person. These past few nights I attended the night rosary, he made it a point of touching my arm or shoulder. I never reciprocated. I did what our traditions call for - every time I saw him, I did the cheek-to-cheek greeting.
As I sat at the Church social hall eating what little food was left since 9am, I wondered about those goosebumps. When I’m home and get goosebumps, I know that our ancient ancestor is there in the room with me. I replayed the scene in the church. I didn’t get the goosebumps until I hugged my cousin’s husband and then her kids. As you know from my previous post, I sometimes get torn between traditional native beliefs and Christianity. So, I sat there eating and thinking about those goosebumps. In the end, my native beliefs won. I realized that my cousin M was there with her family. She died suddenly in the hospital. She never had a chance to wake up and say her goodbyes to her husband and children. How sad….
When dad passed away last year, I attended the mass of Intentions daily. This time held in the new chapel. Gasp! It was beautiful except that supposedly hanging Jesus looked like the cover of those modern day adult romance book. Seductive. I spent most of the time staring at the huge hanging statue on the wall behind the altar. And the priest’s decorated chair was square shaped and... I swear it looks so much like a throne set up front and forward. While the lay person said the prayers (and the congregation responds back), the priest sat on that throne chair just staring into the crowd... I was turned off.
My 1st cousin passed away from cancer this past Wednesday. The 1st time I’ve attended her village church mass. Gasp! It’s bigger than the church in my village. It was ... has humbling, understated by eloquent decorating. NO dead Jesus hanging on the wall behind the altar. And I enjoyed the sermon. And the live guitar/piano singing team. Yesterday’s evening mass, the real one where they pass the money basket (also humble simple basket compared to the one in my village) twice ... just before mass ended, the priest asked for all those born in April, to please come to the front. He said a prayer over them and a little token (prayer card???) was given to each birthday congregant. Ohhh, I almost had tears.. Strange, isn’t it? How 2 churches from the same religion can have such a contrast. I told my cousin that if I ever wanted to be a Catholic again, I will go to her church.... No, I can’t handle the candles. The smell was so overwhelming. The minute we walked in, I had instant headache. Too bad.
My aunty insisted on doing the traditional way for her daughter. Did you know the traditional way is to say the rosary Twice a day? One around lunchtime and one in the evening. The lunchtime had real solid meals. The evening one had hand food/ snacks (pizza, hot dogs, hamburgers, tuna/egg sandwiches, pies, soup in paper cups, etc...)
There are just too many funerals lately.
Could you get a restraining order for those religious leaders and thus make it illegal for them to continue to come on your property? I guess that you could put up a No Trespassing Sign and charge them with trespassing. There must be some legal way to stop those people. I guess you could consider getting one of those dogs for protection which would mean you would have to put up signs that said, "Beware of Dog." Better yet, don't get a dog, but put up signs that say "Beware of Dog" right on the entrance to your property.
I believe God is with us always. He knows what's in your heart. Unconditionally he loves us. Send your letter and find peace my friend. You are strong. I think everyone on here is smart, strong and brave. If we were not fighters, nor tough and loving, we all would not be here sharing our struggles and trying to help others as we receive help for ourselves!
Call her doctor and tell him/her about the burns. Ask what action you can take as she is going to injure herself severely if she doesn't get into full time care.
Sound really desperate (hint--you are!)
Don't be embarassed. I'm sure the aide has dealt with this sort of thing before. If she hasn't, you explain that mother has problems thinking rationally, and that it would help if she (the aide) could try not to take it personally.
Also, the aide needs to know that YOU are in charge of whether she goes to mom's or not, not mom. "Oh, but Mr. Jim said I was to be here at this time today; we will have to call him to check if I can leave". Instruct the aide to call YOU if mom is belligerent or uncooperative.
Consider if mom might have a UTI and not just being passive aggressive. Is your mom under the care of a geriatric psychiatrist? There are meds that help with paranoia, I'm told.
Regarding the burns; how often is mom at home alone? She may not be able to live without 24/7 care any longer. Or with a working stove.