This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Still waiting to hear about Jerry ???
Debbie, I'm allergic to sulfates to. I love the wine but no can do. Bud lite is just fine with me. And a mixed drink every now and then. Tonight it's iced coffee.
Also have to be careful with cheese they use sulfates in that to. And MSM is sulfur. It is used in some of those arthritis joint meds. And of course some antibiotics. Woe is us!!!
I love your birdy picture. Is that your baby? It is the sweetest face.
One more week till San Diego time! Hip Hip hooray!!!
Well, I need to shower and put my feet up, nighty night sisters!!
Oh by the way, my back porch thermometer said 120 today!!!!
A: Steve (the eldest) calling me, telling me I need to do this, why isn't this done? and we (Kirby, Jerry, & I) need to do that.
B: Jerry (baby brother) getting a attitude about everything, telling Steve that Kirby, Nan (his wife) and I are going through rummaging everything, he doesn't frigging see that he and "his friend" are doing the very thing he accuses us of.
C: Kirby (second to the eldest) calling me up drunker than a skunk yesterday yelling at me for Jerry being a little prick.
Well today ends that shit, Jerry gets a key to the house, Kirby gets a key to the house,( I currently have the only two) and both are going to be told to have the same respect for me, that I have done my best to show them, Mom left me the house, the pictures and the jewelry, if they come across any of those things, I would like them put aside for me.
Other than that I am out of that mess, I will clean up whatever disaster is left when I get back from CT. I am exhausted and stressed beyond belief, I've barely been able to get the stress levels down from caring for mom, and now this shit. I don't need it.
This thread has grown from 89 to 910 in just barely over a month's time. I believe we all truly needed this thread, thanks by the way for listening to me vent, poor hubby came home after riding and getting the bad news about his brother to me yelling and screaming like some kinda banshee. Had to apologize for that, he didn't deserve it.
I was trying to catch up on all the early posts that I miss will have to do in spare time. Hahaha This disussion has been so helpful. Thank you thank you...
So far so good this morning. Dad seemed to have a restful night. Only called three times I think. Hope he has a good day today.
Lets see yesterday I had me time. I actually went and had my hair cut. Then treated myself to a nice lunch. Went home, we moved in with parents, with the intention of getting my clothes all put away didn't happen! I did get them washed and dried and laid out on my bed. Maybe today I can get over there....Other than that I was so very tired. Dosed for awhile but that was restless. I have fibromyalgia and it has been acting up more lately. I did get a decent rest last night. Think I am ready for the day. I pray all of you can laugh today. Pray for me too. Will try to check in later.
What the heck is this "cow pattie" ya'll keep talking about? dried out, they make good fire starters.. don't know that I would personally use one as that, they stink bad enough as it is, burning it I believe would be even worse.
Hubby decided yesterday that this computer needs about 200.00 worth of programs, told him to forget about that idea, we have too much coming out of a already depleted bank account. Told him he was just going to have to use one of the two laptops we have, when we get back, we'll look at where we are at.
When he first got his disability, he insisted he had to have satellite internet, then he insisted that we had to have wireless in, so that he could sit out on the porch and play with the laptop, so he can just suffer using one to the laptops.
ladee - my Toonie is a large - as in long - tabbie - he was a stray that appeared at the door aged about 4 months and wouldn't leave - slept under the porch till the kids convinced me to let him in - we already had the springer and 2 other cats. He is the most laid back affectionate creature who NEEDS cuddles and is a great hunter (bird and mice guts on the driveway) - will head upstairs for the bedroom and look at me as if saying - well aren't you coming? My daughter named him - I am Canadian and we have a coin worth $2 called a toonie We had lost a large cat who was also a hunter and she came up with Toonie - meaning the second - # 2 and it stuck
starri - as far as putting the springer down - he could hardly stand and was in distress all summer - I slept on the sofa at night beside him till he fell asleep as he would whine when I left him alone - just not feeling good I think - finally when i took him outside to pee and he collapsed in it I knew it was time. I carried him in, bathed him in the sink, dried him off so he looked lovely before we went to the vet. I was with him to the end and cradled him in my arms and he reached up and "kissed me" just before the injection - miss him
as far my mum and distance care giving - she has borderline personality disorder (BPD) - had it all her life, I was the family scapegoat yet I am the one she moved near to 15 yrs ago - fortunately to a city 250 m away. My sister is a taker not a giver and prone to tell me what I am doing wrong but will not help. Mother is now 99 and just had a hip repair and is doing well. She is A1 according to all tests and loves walking - now that the hip is repaired her only health problem is a sensitive stomach. Over the past 15 year I have visited regularly, taken her out to meals, shopping, for a holiday in the mountains, In the past year or two I moved her from her apartment into a seniors residence at her request even though we had arranged for a senior nanny for her (who she couldn't get along with - that lasted 9 months) and after 6 months in the residence - she didn't get along and I moved her again to another residence where she has a beautiful 2 bedroom apartment and is in a good location for getting to the malls. I told her I would not move her again except to a nursing home. She is well enough off financially though using capital now to pay for this place and also for hiring help - mainly an ex nurse who shops for food for her as she claims she cannot eat institutional food even though I see items on the menu I know she could eat. She is narcissistic and always has been - age has brought some memory loss and total focus on negatives/complaints and wanting me to "fix" these things which are, in my view just "life". My health suffered from the two moves. I am 73 and have only one full hand from birth and my good arm/shoulder was damaged from the packing/moving, I developed systemic candiasis (yeast infection which spread into many places -particularly my gut) and am still battling that along with flare ups of CFS and thyroid imbalances. I am sure stress has been a major factor in these. I retired in the middle of this as I couldn't manage work and mother. I have been going to counselling and advised to back off and detach. She does not really accept that I have any limitations and still expects me to be very involved in her life even though she is well cared for by others and gets pretty nasty when I don’t do what she wants. I have a few more good memories of my mother from the past 15 years than I had for the rest of my life but even then they are not many and the price of staying close is too great. I have POA though it is not active as she is still capable of looking after her own financial affairs and has an excellent financial advisor. I will be giving up POA and recommending that she find someone out of the family to have it. There has been too much game playing for me... and so it goes.
Vic, the sundowning is the worst isn't it... I would just be so numb after days of it, I couldn't think, couldn't carry on a conversation, and dreaded the evenings...so I really do understand where that deep sigh came from.....
I'll let Jam explain the cow pattie thing, but it is a special prize,,,and don't worry, you'll get one eventually!!!! And these don't smell, they are cyber cow patties... of course I could walk 100 yards out and get you a real one if you want, just let me know...
Love ya both and am so glad ya'll are here helping us thru our days of tiredness, being irritable, and laughing with us.... and yes, this thread has really grown in a short time,, when God has His hands on something it will thrive....hugs across the miles....
Take care of yourself, you have to have time and health. It sounds like you have quite a lot on your hands with your own health, if mom is as you say "able" to take care of things herself, let her.
You have had a tough row there emjo, and what a fine lady you are... and good for you for standing up and saying no more moves....if she can do things on her own, as my dad could, then no sense in us killing ourselves over some one who doesn't care any way... so you go girl, there is something to be said for being scapegoats, if others expect the worst from us, not much we do surprises them.... hugs to you this morning.....
Starri, I agree with Ladee. Why don't you take the things you are more interested in, and then leave the house to your brothers?
Ladee, yes probably you have shocked that lady but it doesn't matter. One young boy today yelled at me because my mother was not very well placed in the car and he was afraid she would get hurt when I would close the door. I smiled at him because after all he was kind to worry about my mother, even if he thought I was a torturer/abuser.
Emjo, it seems your mother is in better health than you. For what is worth my opinion, you have made the right decision about her. If one person gets to the age of 99, she is not easily scared by life (and by nurses, and doctors, and all the staff of the clinic where she lives)...
Good afternoon to everyone and happy 4th of july.
starri - you got it right - I am caregiving myself too and need to - can relate to some of the stories I read here ...
I figured the cow pattie was some kinda prize thing, but didn't know what you had to do to get one..lol... I appreciate the offer of going outside and getting me one, but around here, it's a matter of yards before you find one, just about everyone out here has either cows or horses in their yard..lol
Baby brother is wanting to go to town, he can't see for anything and has to have someone take him to town.. guess i will be nice and take him.. See ya'll in a bit, if I don't end up in jail for throwing him out of a moving car...rofl..
I sure can relate to you gals with the "dysfunctional" parents. My mom was something else. Still don't like to talk about it. But do understand the forgiving 70x7.
Thank God my poor little Dad is so sweet. He always had a very pleasant disposition. I really do think that my mom pushed him over the brink and that is a big part of why he is so demented now.
You know emjo, I thought to that I wouldn't shed a tear when she died. But I was really caught off guard when I mourned like a nut case at her death. She was always hyper critical of me and dumped guilt trips on me at all times; so of course I felt super guilty at her death.
I now realize that the mourning was for the mother/daughter relationship that would now never be. And I have worked through the guilt. I have come to the conclusion that I took wonderful care of her in spite of herself. I made sure she had the best medical care possible and everything she needed and most of what she wanted, (the little girl always trying to please}. And I insured that she had a peaceful death here in my home with hospice care. No more guilt trips, mother.
OK, enough of that.
Hope you all have a blessed day.
Glenn (hubby) has done that to my Mom a couple of times. I've always made it a point that if we were BBQ'ing or it's a holiday dinner or even a just because to invite her over, to the point of offering pick up service. She turned me down again one Christmas, after she had about broke her neck getting to one of the brothers for Thanksgiving. I started bawling, and hubby picked up the phone called her back and told her what was on his mind. She showed up a hour or so later. While dinner wasn't quite the way I wanted it, she at least showed that time.
I took myself a 2 or so hour nap, sorry for those that haven't been able too. I've woke up in a better frame of mind, feeling better, and while I am sorry for having to get out of here for the reason it is, I am looking forward to the getting out part.
Glenn doesn't know it yet, but we are taking a couple of extra days, either before or after the service, I believe it's going to have to be after, but that is ok..
ladee -i understand - what would never be. I want to be past that point when mother dies - as much as possible. She could live another 10 years at the rate she is going and I am nearly 74. I look much younger and still can be active when I am healthier than I am now but that is a huge chunk of the time I may have left. the women live long on both sides of the family - into the 90's and keep pretty healthy. Mother will be the first one to break 100 if she makes it and she is aiming high, I am sure. Meanwhile we try to have lives of our own. I, for the first time in my life, briefly wrangled horses last winter and i want to learn to ride them again. (sig other - with amazed look on his face when I didn't now what to do when faced with run away horses "You mean to say you have never handled livestock???" - where would I have handled livestock? - in my backyard???) I have decided that I am getting past these illnesses and that's all there is too it! On that note time to bath, get presentable and get out of this house and get a little exercise.
Love and ((((((hugs))))) to all - I can so identify with so much of what you all write -yes ladee - we are human and thats OK - I like the "sometimes you are not OK and I am not OK but that's OK" ♥♥♥
Yeahright, you made a very beautiful and deep and true analysis of feelings that many of us have toward one of our parents (many times, toward the one we have to take care of. This makes things more difficult.)
I adored my grandmother's sister and if I had had to take care of "her", I would have done it with pleasure. With my mother, it is not as pleasant. My mother is not a bad person, not at all, but she has never been as loving and tender and "motherly" as my grand-aunt who practically raised me my first 3 years of life, when my mother preferred to hang out with her friends. And I am positive that my grand aunt will be the person who will wait for me when I go "to the other side"... I am not at least afraid because I know she will be here with open arms! This is the real love, I guess!