This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Indyrose, I work with Alz. clients and there are times that it is a "tell" not "ask" situation.. Everyone that commented had good suggestions, maybe something helped... and maybe your husband needs to see why he is so obsessed with this, If they smelled bad, I feel like you would have already done something about it.. How important is it that he get his way here???? Power plays NEVER work, don't care who it is or what it is about.....
Alwaystired,,,You are feeling guilty for doing what she asked????? Ok, in my mind if you set her on the side of the road at a busy intersection, now THAT is something to feel guilty about!!!! I can tell you already have your own answer and may just need some support for moving forward with it... You have my support, she will be fine and you will be able to get your life back in order and tend to things in your marriage... :you and your husband need your life back and I agree, I would not live in all that stress. let us know what happens.... follow your gut, not your heart...
Debbie, sweetie, all you had to do was say, I need to vent, don't want advice.. please don't kill the messengers, as we care what happens to you... And yes this sucks, but it doesn't have to be "all or nothing". And if you want to leave , then follow your plan... but you do care or you would not be so disappointed and upset...
No one is trying to say you haven't tried everything... And the main thing is that you have no regrets, if you have tried it all, then leaving is the thing for you to do.. you can look back and say "I tried"...it's more than your family is doing, so move on.. visit them, I did this with my dad... nothing else would work for ME,, because nothing was going to suit him anyway... let us know what happens and we hope you stay with us anyway..... hugs across the miles to you....
Seeme.... Stinky Lucy.... bahahahahaha.. I've heard it called many things but this is my favorite so far....... and your not whiny, you are tired and wanting to get off this damned merry go round.. and she can't take any nitetime meds and that just makes things even harder... any news from the Dr. today?? love ya..
Jam, the dogs in the neighborhood were howling but I didn't know you were the cause... lol, finally got that damned hair cut, yeha... and just let her ramble about the perm, that's what Alz. does to a person, they get fixated on something and all your being upset and fussing at her won't change a thing, she'll wait until your lips quit moving and say it again... welcome to my world....That;s why when someone would come in while I was taking care of Ruth, I'd say, " TAG, YOU'RE IT" , and run for the door and smoke until there were no bugs on the 50 acres....It is not going to get better..only different... love ya.
More later, love you all and am happy to see new names and hope we hear from you again.. this is a safe place to lay your troubles.... hugs across the miles to all of you..
I knew I was going to have a busy day, but so much was added on today that I have lost it with mom and hubby has lost it with me, so I am in the dumps. I just have to pick up a set of cajones and tell mom when I am doing what and she will have to live with it. We went round and round about the bath again, and I had to use 4 washcloths to get her butt clean. She was busy last night after I left the gate down.
Then I only had 5 gloves left. Hubby was going to get some from work, but that is stealing to me, so I asked him to get some from Sam's since he was getting gas there anyway and he throws a fit.......ok, get some tomorrrow.... he'll be gone tomorrow getting his new old truck, can't I remember? NO, I have SHIT on my mind.....WTF?....nevermind, I'll use my bare hands !!! Anyway, I got the bathroom cloroxed, and the towels are in the washer. Everything salvageable has been taken from the garden, except for the tomato plants, so I would like to get that done this weekend. Gotta get supper going.......later...........
As bad as I am sure it is of me to say, but her refusing help, your mom refusing to help you isn't your problem, it's theirs... if they don't want to help themselves why should you feel guilty? What's that old saying? " You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink?" There's another from AA,***** the only thing you can change on another person is their diaper.*****
Your Gram has to want help, and you can't make her do that.. like a alcoholic, they have to hit their bottom, she has to find out the hard way that she needs help, and until she does, there isn't anything you can do about it.
Where is your school? is it close to there? if so you can check on her each day, if you really have too, you can take a day or two off during the year to assist.
I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, but seeing you giving up on your life, just struck me wrong.. you see? I am 51 years old, and I did that.. I hate the thought of watching you do the same.
Starri, they need assistance more often than a few days a week and I am already gone too much to be enough help to them. My Grandfather is on dialysis and that never goes right and then I get called home and we have to go on an hour drive to the clinic and blah blah blah. I just don't have anymore time for anything else. I don't have enough time for what I'm doing now!
Ladee, Hubby did buy those gloves. He knew he didn't have that truck just yet. He's not that stupid.
I started this an hour ago and since then I have trimmed all mom's nails and polished them. Almost 8 pm now. Will read more and catch up.............
So that is where your grandparents are coming from.
Please do not give up on your life...where are you going to be when they pass on? Me? I'm sitting here at 51, having worked low paying jobs all my life, in between trying to care for others. I have a GED, that I got at 37, I never had the chance to go to college and get a proper education. the Job force now is more and more requiring that you have a degree.. and even then you are not guaranteed to get one.
Get all the education that you can now hon, you'll need it for your future.
Let her take her own medicine... I am sorry if I seem harsh, but I have given up 90% of my life for my mother and I don't want to give up a 100%.
Again, don't feel guilty. You have made things that most of the people refuse to do.
Debbie, this is not an advice, it's a comment: I agree on your decision (of 5 or 6 posts ago) to leave your grandparents (for a while?). Maybe they will understand what you do now, and they will accept some help from outside.
'night everybody
sandwiches for dinner. Thankfully he wantsto be in bed a 8 so that was uneventful. I did really good all the little grumpy things he said to me rolled rigt off. He only called me 3 time during the night which is better than most.
Today we have a sitter coming from 9 to 7. Cant wait! Love my parents but sure do need time away.
We all sign on to take care of our loved ones cause we think it is best. We can't imagine at the time how complicated things will get and we just "know" the rest of thefamily will be ther to help when needed. Ha then reality sets in...years go by they get sicker and more needful. You ask for help from family...all kind of excuses come along so you stop asking. Who wants to beg!so you go along as best you can. I keep looking for help from area. At least i was able to get them meals on wheels so I only have to cook two meals instead of three. They don't have much respite help here no day places to get them away from home for awhile. Many sataes even have the funds thatyou can apply to be paid for caregiving. Not here in mississippi. Oh well. My mom who is doing pretty good is very independent! She doesn't think she needs help. So when i try to give her a physical hand she says I can do it! No matter that she has tripped over her feet, fallen cause she stood on a step ladder. At least I was able to get her to quit taking baths and use shower. She had a TIA the last time and it was sceaming all theway to get her out. Like someone said it is hard for them to let go of their independence and have to depend on someone else. If dad was able to walk, there would have been no way in h##l that I would have gotten help.even thoug when he was walking it was more like shuffling and falling. My brothersays hewill try to help as much as he can... But i have seen him twice since last august. I did beg him to come so i could help my daughter on her wedding day. He did stay a few daysand really did make a difference. We had her wedding here so that her grandparents could be here. That was March. Then dad had a birthday and fathers day rigt behind. He couldn't come for the weekend but I told him how much parents would enjoy seeing him and it was fathers day! So he actually came for the day. Who lnow when he will come again. I have told him i really need some time to get away with hubby.. His answer is we will try to work something out. Oh well.
Debbie, just wanted you to know we all sign on because we love and want the best for our family. I quit my job and thankfully my husbands job pays our bills. We buy groceries and gas with parents money. I am going on 54 my son and his wife had a child. They live away...I have seen grandbaby twice. She is a year now. My daugter had to move further away so we wont get to see here as often. I love my parents and really would't chane anything. If you read earlier posts.. I have had many pity parties and I am sure I will continue to vent. Ifeel pretty decent today cause I have had some much needed rest.
Just take one day one hour at a time. Look for alternativesto help..if you want to go to school. Try taking online classes so that when you are able to go full time you it wont seem so intimidating. Get away when you can. Glad you had drinks with friend. We all need time outs! Do what your heart tells you. You are a fantastic person... You are caring for others because you want better for them. Remember you are doing the best you can and it IS good enough.
Thanks forthis thread as it has truly helped me to get ou fellings and rant with no judgements. Glad you all are here. Time to start another day!!
Starri, hope you aren't doing too much and then crash and burn... but I understand wanting to get it done before the "ugly brothers" come swooping in.. I call my sisters the "ugly sisters" so if the shoe fits.... can't fix stupid...
Vic, I do admire your struggle to keep a positive attitude. and letting the comments roll off your back helps a lot... they love to get a reaction and when they realize you have moved to another place in your mind and don't play anymore, it's not near as much fun as seeing daughter turning that funny color and the veins standing out in her head and neck...hmm, she just smiled and walked away,,, BUT THEN she got on the computer and blasted away.... yeha, what ever works for us to keep our sanity... if what we are is sane, there would be no one to tell us otherwise.. so it is win win for us....
Starri, don't work too hard and Vic enjoy your time away today..... hugs to you both...
Hubby has gone with a friend to an early breakfast and to get his truck. Won't see hime till this afternoon sometime. Whatever......I get to finish ironing, finish laundry, and vaccuum.....maybe even dust if I get a wild hair......and looks like the kitchen floor is STILL sticky from the kool-aid spill. Whine, Whine.
Vic, I don't know how you keep such a positive attitude !! I want whatever you are on.......double......please share.........
Ladee, I 've wondered if cats are as structured as dogs are. Mine knew when it was time to eat, what days we were off because the morning routine changed, and they got pissed if we didn't go to bed on time. Gee, I want a pet so bad.
Starri, did your folks own the house and you can take your time? I keep thinking of my mom and dad's and there was no taking time. At a fast pace, it still took 3 months to clean out. Hoarding and living in the same house for 54 years........ well, if I don't start now, I will never get that shower, so.....later................
Cleaning out the house.... well the sperm donor ( the DAD) sold all of my mothers stuff before we had a chance to get anything we wanted.. no one wanted his junk so have no idea who has it... don't care...so have not had the experience of having to clean out a house.... the greedy bastard did it for us...
Glad you got some kind of sleep, have you considered "pillow therapy", just askin'?
Hope you get the kool aid off the floor before the bun buns realize it is there... now that would keep her quite for a few minutes wouldn't it,,, something for you to think about..
It's too damned hot to do anything, think I am going to draw zentangles today and relax my brain... love to all...