This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Starri, I love it when a woman makes up her mind and just goes and does what needs to be done... And if nothing else make sure YOU get what you want.... hope your tummy feels better...
Yeahright.. from now on will be YR , give the kitties kisses.. Cats are my favorites.. they rule the world with their, you think I care, attitude...Hope you have fun on your vacation, and it is hot here too, tired of it...
Debbie, you have been adopted!!!! Very impressed that your mom is coming and hopefully they will see what you are talking about... let us know how things turn out...
Oh and you need to talk to Seeme about the bun-buns, she has had a lot of experience with them herself this year.
I WILL NOT work in a NH, I do not have the personality to see things that goes on and not get fired for telling. so, I work for myself....
Jam, I will be listening for the "scream" tomorrow,,,I'll have to listen closely to see if it you or her,,, and congrats on the extra help....
More later, love ya'll and hugs..
O'Doole and Sharpes make pretty good non alcoholic beer, and my brother one time found some wine that was alcohol free, it was called Fre, never have been able to find it again. For the most part, I do pretty good on not even craving them, and then there are days I could hi-jack a bud truck. Surprisingly, tonight even though I was twisted more than a "twister", I didn't even think about a drink.
It was I'm going to kill the prick, and then I got to get out of here..and so that is what I did, hubby had to drop off the truck for work, so I met him there, we went and got fire house subs, went to the store and got a few things we needed, and then came home, I've been trying to hide, and I have not succeeded, I went to the bedroom, here came Claire, up on the bed and right up against me, here came Maggie, right at my feet, and then here came hubby, on the bed, poking me with his foot.. So I gave up on the bedroom, came in the livingroom, and guess what? here they all came. Claire is presently to my left, Maggie is in behind my chair and Hubby is sitting in his recliner in behind me. At least he isn't poking at me, he almost got himself smacked last night for it. Maybe I'll get lucky and they'll all get sleepy and I can have some peace..
Tonight is one of those moods where I am as tight as a over wound spring and I'm going to snap with one more little thing.. May the Lord have mercy on the person that sets me off..lol..
The dogs are curled up sleeping, the cat is outside, so for the moment I have some peace and quiet.. This thread seems to have taken on a life of it's own, so I was back at the first of the posts, to look and see where it was when I first posted and realized that I had not read from the beginning, lol.. Think I am on number 50
I don't think getting this wound up would be so bad if it didn't make me wiped out, when I get that angry, I am done for the day and done for the next day.. There are a loving, lovely bunch of people here, I remember where I was at the first time I found this place and this thread, I am so grateful that everyone is here.
Yes, Debbie is adopted !!!!! SSSOOOOOOO glad you talked to your mom. I feel so much better for you, Debbie, I really do. I feel like a weight has been lifted off MY shoulders just to know your mom is coming.
OMG, I just figured out what bun-buns are !!!!! Damn, I am slow. And they just started on the tomatoes...thought hubby would be mad, but he said it was worth it to lose a couple on the bottom if they leave those higher up alone........I went to pick the ripest tomato on the plants and it was already half eaten. They don't even run when we go out there anymore. The only thing left in the garden it tomatoes. We need to pull up the green beans and summer squash by Aug so we can add potassium to the soil and plant again. This will be the first time we tried a second crop. We just ahven't had enough rain to make it worthwhile this year. If we get a tropical storm, it would help.
It is almost 11 and I must go to bed. I have mom tonight. Hope you all have a peaceful night and I will check in tomorrow. later.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Starri, the only time I could get away from the animals is if I stayed up too late for them. At 10 pm they would hound me till I told them to go to bed, then I stayed up later to get some alone time.
YR.....must live in AZ ?? What town? I lived next to Phoenix for 2 and a half years and hated it in the summer. Hottest I ever saw it was 117. I remember going shopping at 10 PM to get some groceries and could barely stand it then at 100. The lack of humidity drove my sinuses nuts. The first year we rented and there was a pool, but when we moved on base it was too hot to leave the house.
Unfortunately, if I get bites like the col, I think of fleas, since she was gone for a while and so was the dog, or bed bugs. Fleas blister on me, so I know if I have one, and bed bugs are more likely here in the East lately. And it has nothing to do with housecleaning, Jam, they just are.
Starri, I would give you some of my sibs, but I only have one worth a shit and I'm not giving her help. She's already burned out - going on 5 yrs trying to recover.
Sweet dreams everyone, if you get the chance to close your eyes.
And the cat is doing good?? You noticed I asked about the cat before I asked about Auntie!!!!! So happy to hear you had some one on one with the youngest... gotta take some time to let us know what all is going on... you are missed here girl....
Seeme, I think you, Jam and I were all at a crossroad of sorts, and here we are. Spreading the love and support and meeting some awesome new folks....
I am getting worried about Johnny, has anyone heard from him? Need to send him a hug to let him know I am thinking of him....
By the way, my friends call me Ladee, it is pronounced like Lottie, but with a "d"... and everyone here is my friend...
Seeme, sorry it took you awhile to get the "bun buns", but knew you were the expert on the thread so you could tell Debbie about your fearless bun buns...
And Starri, it doesn't matter if you are present caregiver or not, you have a lot of experience to share, and besides we just love ya... not near enough love in the world, so we have our own little safe place to be... thanks Jam, you had a great idea... well, I need to go ni-night, gotta work tomorrow and then off for three days and BG and sil are gone until Monday......peace and quite...... hugs across the miles to everyone...
Enjoy your children while you can....it's hard to believe my baby turns 32 in July. And I'm only going to turn 29..........again. My oldest grandson turns 23 in Nov....now that makes me feel old and it's a big possibility that he has made me a great grandmother with a former girlfriend.
Going to finish my email then head to bed. Tomorrow morning is going to be traumatic....lol
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Starri, I like your family of cats and dogs... Sure they can get along together. One of my dogs LOVES cats, the three remaining dogs tolerate them, and for some mysterious reasons some cats are more loved than other ones. My gray cat Nino is so loved that when he comes in the room, the dogs get up to welcome and kiss him! I understand your wish of being alone, sometimes. I have two empty rooms upstairs; sometimes I feel like disappearing there without saying a word to anyone, and be free from mother, helpers, cats, dogs, just myself! And a book. But actually I never do it.
Ladee, Sonny is a bad boy! He must be very funny.
Debbie, I like very much the idea of tomato juice (organic, I guess!) and I would suggest you to produce tomato sauce as well. Homemade tomato sauce is the best thing in the world! (You could sell it, BTW)
Yeahright! Vacation on the ocean, the best thing! Enjoy every single moment.
I have decided to go (at least twice a week) to a swimming pool. I have no work yet, but it costs very little money and I can afford it, and at least I am doing something useful - lose weight!
Besides, even if I am a sign of air (Gemini) water is something that relaxes me a lot. And God knows how much we need relaxing-
Have a nice breakfast everybody!
Her car is impounded now, she's sitting in jail getting to think about how stupid she was..but at least the boys are home safe. Brother was wanting me to pick him up beer and cig's, would have done it, but out here in SC, they quit selling beer at 11pm, at least in our little town, so he got the smokes... They should have known better..but both are stone alcoholic's, and I know where they come from.
Told my nephew and his friend to do themselves a favor and not get in the car with those two when they've been drinking, good way to get themselves killed.
Wish my kitty would come stay with me here but she likes home. Cant blame her. We were lucky in that when my parents moved here we were able to get a house one away from us. Two years ago we moved our bed down here since it was plain that going home at night wasn't going to happen. So now we "visit" ourhome as often as we can. Daily to feed and let cat out and to do clothes.. Although when I say clothes.. They get washed and dried and layed out nice on the bed in our bedroom. Oh well can only do so much. Did get yards cut and trimmed... Have two little tomatos on plants...lots of green cherry tomotos no baby peppers yet either! Cant do the big garden anymore but we have a great neighbor who shares! Yum!
Well gotta go, time to get dad up. Hope everyone has a great day. Will try to post later. Tomorrow sitter is coming! Woohoo! I get some me time one day a week. Thank God or I would really have lost it by now.
Oh yesterday I was mowing my yard...came to house to check on dad and take him to bathroom as I knew it was time. But he said no... Sooooo about 15 minutes later he calls! Typical! Oh well. Hugs to all of you and thanks for listening. It really helps to know we are kindred spirits.
Did ya hear the first scream? And we aren't even at the salon yet. We have had to tell the col twice to eat her breakfast, but no she has to go put hot rollers on the sides of her head. How about the back? I ran out. OMG.....there are 30 rollers in the damn thing and why are you putting them in to begin with? Well, they have to see how my hair fluffs out. Maybe I was screaming at such a high pitch that only dogs could hear me...:) She is such a handful. Got her cleaned up, dressed, shoes on, set her on the couch with a bib to finish her coffee, told her I would get her at 9 and off we go. Honest to God, she looks at me and says...go where? I could only stand there and stare at her. I was at a complete loss for words. She was complaining about needing to scratch a bite on her back.....looked her over, there is not a spot on her back anywhere. Skin lotioned. I don't know....part of her dementia? Heather will be here when we get back so she can pout to someone else. When hair is through she will start in on wanting to go to the store. She can barely walk from room to room let alone a store.
I hope everyone has a good day.....and I will check back for some comfort when I get back...:)
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Most things have gone smoothly since they moved in, but a big bone of contention remains the laundry. My husband feels that they should change their clothes every day. My parents think that is hooey, and will go 4-5 days with the same clothes, making the argument that they haven't gone anywhere or done anything. Dad also argues that "overwashing weakens the clothing." When we pointed out that there weren't any socks in the laundry for the last 5 days, he said he didn't have any clean ones. (Six clean pair were in his drawer.) Then he said they didn't fit. (Mom said that wasn't true.) Then he complained that he had "57 socks and none of them were mates!" I asked if he wanted me to sort them. No, he'd take care of it, he said.
I'm caught in the middle. My husband's family are white collar health care people. My family are blue collar factory workers. I see where standards of cleanliness are much higher in his family, and I agree that wearing the same socks for 5 days straight probably isn't best, but neither is demanding that they change every day.
These laundry wars are driving me nuts! My husband tells me to "order my parents" to change daily. My parents tell me,. "No, they're not going to do that." How can I get them to compromise???
You might be able to trick them by telling them you only have a half load to do and you don't want to "waste" water or electric by not having a full load. Being blue collar and probably learning how to live on a tight budget, they might go for it.
Otherwise, I believe I would tell hubby to back off as you don't need extra stress on top of what you have already.
On another note....mom gettimgmready for hair appt. I got dad bated.dressed and he is fed. Now dosing in recliner. Think i will try to get a 5 min power nap.. Whew i am exhausted.
Yeah so I got pretty much viciously attacked upon waking up this morning, then I called my mom and she basically said she's not coming to help. That conversation isn't over yet. Ugh.
I hope that you can have a "semi-pleasant" conversation with your mom about helping, but if not you might have to get nasty about it. You can always do what I did to my brother..lol, while I could not insist that he move here to help (he lives clear on the other side of the usa), I did tell him that if he "knew" so much better than I on how to take care of Mom, I would go online, buy her a plane ticket and she would be there within 3 days, 3 days cause I would need time to pack things up for her. He backed up and shut up on how to care for her, he decided that "she" would not fit into his lifestyle.
Tell your Mom if she can't come there and help, maybe you will send her that way...see what she does on that one.
My father used to be the same way with me.....drove my mom nuts.... now she is doing the same thing. I have to dress her, so I let her wear her clothes for 2 days and then they magically disappear....less than 2 days of course if she drops food on them. And now she wants to wear the same things over and over again if they are comfortable - this from a woman who has over 150 pair of underwear alone, and 2 closets won't hold all her clothes.
So my suggestion would be to just take their clothes from them and wash them. Sneak in their room after they have gone to bed or whatever it takes. I use the argument of dead skin cells feeding all those creepy bed mite thingies that are alll over their bodies. I really gross it up for mom and it makes her think about it. Socks and underwear are changed daily period. Use athlete's foot for socks and a stinky lucy for underwear. And remember, I have to dress my mom, so I have the advantage. Hope this helps somewhat...............
We just love you to pieces and any one of us would take your place to not have you go through this at your age. You may be the only adult in your family.....you are where the WORK is, the STRESS is, the SLAVERY is, and you want to live.
No harm meant. No foul intended. Just come back to us and scream. We have heard of physical abuse here, so Starri had a good question. I'm sure when Ladee and Jam read that, they will agree with me. Keep your chin up, sweetie and know I am giving you the biggest hug ever.....{{{{{{{squeeze}}}}}}}
Back from the salon and there was no screaming.....although I almost turned around and brought her back home. She started with the "perm" crap and just kept it up. I finally got mad and told her she looked like hell and since she is incapable of using hot rollers now, the hair is coming off. Well, its cut now and all through the cut she kept saying I will get a perm next time I come in....whatever. It's still a little below her ears, and she is full of natural curl....of course she denied that, but she really looks so much better. Wash and wear. She told Target she will get a perm for the winter. Again, whatever.
Debbie....I'm really sorry that you are past frustration right now and your Mom is not stepping up to help you. Any advice given was done in good faith with the only intention to help you through this difficult time. Perhaps after you have some time to absorb everything, you will feel like visiting with us again. We care about you and only want to see you fulfill your dreams and plans.
It's time for a short nap, then I will be back to check on everyone again......
Love and Hugz,
Jam