This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Yeahright, us and our cats... it is amazing how many caregivers have animals. My cat, the Diva rules the house, she just "lets" me stay here.... she does not like many people so will not let my neighbor in the house.... gotta love it,,, she bows up, growls and hisses, don't like my neighbor anyway so never have to worry about her coming in the house when I am not here.... Enjoy your days off, don't let the guilt ruin your time away!!!! And what is there to feel guilty about???? I think I hate GUILT as much as I hate Alz. Hugs to you...
"For there is nothing sweeter than his peace when at rest.
For there is nothing brisker than his life when in motion"....
These are 2 lines of a poem which I will send you on Facebook.
T scan today. The dr found the other end of the fistula and I even have a colored picture. The C-T scan should have mapped out the path it took from one organ to the other, so now we should have what the surgeon needs at Duke to fix the problem. The last 2 months have been a trial.....maybe the next couple of weeks will see an end to this mess.
I know there have been some new people here that I hope we can all help.
Debbiecakes.....makes me hungry every time I see that name.
Soverytired........You must be my long lost sibling cause we have the same name....er.....condition.
I hope to add more tomorrow. Starri, Linda, Rosella, Jam, Ladee, ASG...I MISS YOU.....Burned, Car 54 and whoever else I missed, just cyber-slap me and I'll be back soon...got my first night back with mom on the bedpan..............zzzzzzzzzzz
I'm taking the magazines, and he and I will look at pictures.. I also put food on his plate she swears he doesn't like, he eats it... HE HAS ALZ., HE DOESN'T REMEMBER WHAT HE DOESN'T LIKE !!!!!! of course I screamed that in my head, not out loud...
I realize she has been sick for a long time, and guess at some point she just gave into it, the glass is half empty, and I really do sympathize with her. Maybe she is jealous of how Sonny and I laugh and get along... In my way of thinking, I am taking the responsibility of him off of her the few hours I am there.. I have him on a schedule, he is sleeping much better at night, ect... He is eating better, going to the bathroom once instead of ten times a day... told her today he needed a stool softer, but that I would start pushing more water on him... She goes thru this long thing about how he always does that, thinks he has to go to the bathroom, and sets in there and grunts and groans... I went in there and asked him not to flush so I could see what I needed to do to help him... sure enough, he needs a stool softner...
Hopefully she was just having a bad day... she seems almost dissapointed that she wasn't going to need a transfusion this week... She is always complaining of her hip hurting, but won't get up and move around, HH RN said she was ordering PT for her again, and she got mad... I do not know how bad she feels, I don't know, but think she is depressed, which she has reason to be. But as caregivers regardless of the situation, why is it we are the ones they take it out on....
If she is still like that tomorrow I am going to talk with her.. I have my ways of getting to the heart of the matter, what I want to say is maybe you need to fight a little. but I do not have the right to say that to her as I do not know how tired and discouraged she is...sometimes people just need to have their situation acknowledged and honored, that is about all I can do if she refuses to do anything for herself.. I hired on to help both of them, but if she refuses my help, then my energy goes to Sonny.. He is my shadow, always asking if there is something he can do to help... today, we went out to bring the garbage can back to the house, he was pushing it along and he says" You want a ride, wouldn't that be fun"........ I laughed and told him it would be a lot harder to push, he said he didn't care, he wanted to have some fun.... What polar opposites they are.... anyway it wasn't a hard day by any means, just hadn't dealt with that part of her yet....
still no place to live, getting stressful, but Jam sent something the other day, and two lines of it really resonated with me.... " when we are down to nothing, God is up to something".... those two lines have helped me so much when I start to get discouraged about getting away from here.. So thanks Jam, for sharing that...
Hope everyone is ok this evening, I am going to bed and read, pretend I do not have all this grown up crap to deal with... love and hugs to everyone...
WooHoo!!!!! yearight gets some respite time!!!!! What do you have planned to do? In our minds we are going with you.........so what are we doing?
Paula welcome......I'm sorry you are having such financial problems. SS unfortunately isn't enough to support one person well, let alone two. I wish you luck in finding something part-time to help you out. Maybe if you share what is in your area we might be able to come up with some ideas to help you out.
starri.....the law group that I used to get my SSD told my husband to call them back in July and they would get the process going, so by the time a year had gone since his initial disability he would be approved by Feb.....so I hope it gets done easily. I'm tired of fighting the so-called bureaucracy. I got screwed out of my long-term disability, so I'm not fond of people in charge that don't have a clue of what really goes on.
I guess it's time to go put the col in bed. I left her watching a movie....yes I changed the channel again....I'm sure she has fallen asleep on the couch. I will be without my helper for 3 days in a row......not sure I can stand that. The col is so much better with her here. She has tried arguing and getting her way and it doesn't work. She will only do that with me, so 3 days of it will make me nuts!!
Love and Hugz to all of our friends,
Jam
I have a sitter that comes one day a week but it would be sooooooo nice to get away from it all. I do have to say that my husband is fantastic! He works away from home so he is gone two weeks and home two weeks. He takes the load when he is home. But it would be so nice to have a few days together somewhere anywhere that we could sleep all night. I love my parents SO VERYMUCH but right now I just want and need to get away. My mom is mobile and in great physical and mental health and my dad is wheelchair bound, cant stand etc. He needs all the physical care... bathing, dressing, bathroom. He can feed himself and reads. He calls throughout the night to use bathroom.
I feel angry all the time now. Which is horrible. Short tempered. Everyday I ask God to help me to love and be kind and patient... I say today will be a good day and mostly each day is but inside myself I am fighting with myself...tired tired tired...
Oh well. It is a beautiful morning right now with the birds chirping the temp perfect sitting on the porch...I should be more grateful for these moments.
Thanks for letting me rant.
I hope you do get a break and get to spend some time with hubby.. I was away from home for so much time, our dogs about forgot who I was and I believe hubby was liking having the bed to himself too much..lol..
I hope your day stays as wonderful as the morning is.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Prayers to you and let us know what is happening.........
My solution to the problem would be to call your mom, and any and all other aunts and uncles. THEY should handle the situation, since your GM is THEIR mother. If you are being paid to stay with her, then your hours will have to change for your schooling. No different than other employees. And yes, you need help. They will always say no to change.. It may turn out to be the best thing you ever did. I would be thrilled to have Ladee take care of me !!! LOL If GM has to be moved to go live somewhere else, so be it. Let her children step up to the plate. If this "advice" doesn't fit your situation, please tell me........good, bad, or indifferent.
Bad thing is she thought everything was done........I had to break it to her that things weren't fixed yet at all......by this morning she had forgotten again and had out her undies and knee socks, sitting buck naked on the bed, wanting to get dressed and get going. Sorry, mom, bottom needs air, no panties, using depends, still got drainage, gotta get it fixed, etc., etc.
Noon and no shower yet, will try now............
How long has it been that he can't hold down food or liquid? My mom was like that, and I called her doctor, he said like 2 days only without keeping fluids down before hauling her to the ER.
Let your folks know that you understand and appreciate their desire to keep more stress from you, but let them know that it stresses you even more when you find out about it with not being included in the first place. My mom was a good one for not wanting to "bother" me, and I had told her time and time again, it bothered me more by her not wanting to "bother" me.
She laid in pain a couple of nights, not wanting to bother me about her pain pills (at that time she was staying on her own) Second time I found out about it, she lost her right to stay alone.
I know that you "agreed" to not take him to a nursing home, but stop and think if maybe that would be the best idea? I wanted to keep Mom at home, but it became impossible for me to be able to control her pain. I had to make the decision to place her in hospice, she passed the next day. I believe for myself and for her, that was the best solution.
I will keep you in my prayers, remember sometimes we have to "not" keep our word to do the right thing.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Vic, You are grateful or you never would have noticed the birds in the first place. What you are feeling is normal for all the stress you have..Hope you get away soon..
Seeme, as I have said before, better living thru chemistry... Thank God for their meds and for ours...glad to hear she had a better night, so you got to sleep some... it will all be like a bad dream here soon.... and then you will wonder where you got the energy and the stamina to do it all..
sandra, sorry things are having to be so hard to get some things done... but you know how she is, and know it will take time.. None of us want to go thru the craziness or stress to get things done, but you are doing it anyway, and that is what real courage is, doing it anyway... and seeme is right, do NOT give up school, no matter what..
burned, sorry to hear things are so crazy for you, but I really like what starri said, sometimes to NOT keep our word is the right thing to do...
Starri, have you taken the check book away from hubby yet, doesn't he realize you will need money for gas!!!! It would be your luck to be out of money and have to camp in your own back yard.. wouldn't that suck...
And for those of you who need a break and can't get one, do what Deefer did, told all her siblings what day she was leaving, and watched them scramble... as long as you are asking and not telling, then you will be doing what you are doing... easier said than done I know....
Jam, let the col fold Target's underwear... and maybe instead of intervening every time he looses it, TELL him what you told us about why he does it.. What's the point if you end up doing it anyway... Target is not stupid........
Don't know what I read here this evening that triggered a memory of me driving down the freeway, pounding the steering wheel, and screaming at the top of my lungs at something my dad said... because like all our charges, it is all about them....
Said some really horrible things that day, have no regrets tho, it just was what it was... we do get pushed to that point before we say "enough" or we die doing this job.....
If I missed anyone I am sorry, will try to catch up more later,,,, hugs across the miles to you all.
If you can't tell, I am done with putting up with "STUFF" out of anyone, told my mental health doctor today, that the "eldest" brother had pissed me off for the last time, his wife could call when he is dead and tell me where to send the flowers, the second to the eldest, I felt sorry for, believe he is next in line, but thankfully he has a sweet wife that will take good care of him, and I'll be around sometimes to cut her a break. My baby brother is who he is, between him and our friend, they make a whole person, the two of them can take care of each other. So for once in my life, that leaves me with no one really but me to take care of, still got the hubby, he's still breathing, but that might not last too long if he pushes it...rofl..
I am a diabetic and a long time ago, I was going to classes for nutrition at the local wellness center, Hubby (Glenn) was going with me, one of the ladies there, bless her heart could not remember what his name was, so she called him "Mr. Carmen" Carmen being my name, it stuck..we joke about it now, but this evening, he kept saying he was Mr. Carmen, it got on my nerves, told him he was not "Mr. Carmen" he was Mr. Glenn, Mr. Johnson, etc.. but he was going to be Mr. Divorced if he kept it up...
No offence meant to any men here, but you can't live with them, and you can't kill them..hahahaha.. For the ladies here that are having such a 'rough' time, please step back, take a breath, and say enough.. I believe it was Jam who said, take things in priority, make yourselves a list, and say Ok, this is the number one thing I need to do...etc.. and believe it or not, it's take care of "ME", if you don't take care of yourself, your of no use to anyone else. After taking care of yourself, what's next in line? and keep moving on.
((((((BIG HUGS))))) to all.
What would happen if you were not there? someone, or some place would need to step in and take your place. Ladee I believe said, tell them your going to go on a certain day and you do.. If it requires shifting them to a different location for the time needed, then that is what you do. Your not being mean, your not acting like you don't love them, etc, your doing what needs to be done most, your taking care of you, so that you can be there for others.
I can not imagine not having this place to come to, to tell you how I feel, what I am struggling with, and just get plain stupid sometimes.... we are so blessed to have each other, to really understand what we are each going thru... to support even if we don't understand....
I am just grateful for each and every one of you... You all teach me something every day, you make me grateful, you make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me sad.
How can we say we "love" each other, having never met, and probably won't get to, well, that's what we do...... LOVE...
One of the reasons I am so grateful for this particular thread, is because there is so much mutual respect and support... and we can say how we feel, have a safe place to say it and get to know each other... hugs across the miles to you all
Everyone: This is such a fast moving thread. There are so many posts and I am so busy during the day that I just can't keep up. I want everyone to know that even though I am new here, I do care about all of you and your situations. You are all becoming vital to my sanity very quickly, and I just hope that I will be able to be helpful to you as well. For now, unfortunately, being as I am just trying to get everything smoothed out in this house and going as good as it can, me being new to this whole situation and just sort of jumping into it head first, I'm afraid I don't have much to offer in the line of advice because I just don't have the experience you all have. But, I hope that I can be supportive, and be a friend to anyone that needs me to be.
Other news: As unrealistic as it seems, knowing that she hasn't offered in spite of knowing the situation, I am going to ask my mother if she can move here to Indiana because I need help. I am currently searching houses for rent in the area and I will even search jobs for my stepfather (who is not going to want to move). I need help, and I can't be the only one. I want my Grandparents to be as happy and comfortable as they can be, and that means their children need to step up and take some of this responsibility so that I can start my life too. My plan would be for me to continue living here and help out in the early mornings, and help out in the evenings when I'm not at work, and when I am working, my mother can be here to help. It's really a lot to ask, but at the same time, no one but me stepped up to the plate, and this is not just my responsibility. There is no reason why my sister can't go to school here other than she's used to getting up whenever she feels like it because she goes to school online. She needs a social life like a regular teenage girl. This could be good for everyone. I will let everyone know how this conversation with mom goes as soon as I can. Thanks again everyone.
And I don't think I can repeat or even remember anything of what I wrote before. But loved what you have written ladee......you are a very special person. As well as everyone here is.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Debbie, You offer a lot, so don't underestimate yourself.. You are teaching us courage to follow our dreams and goals. You are teaching us how to ask for what we need and want.. the worst that can happen is someone will tell us NO.. but I gather from your posts that you probably have a plan B. And you are right, it is time for their children to step up, you are doing what so many fail to do.. You are saying I want my grandparents to live at home, but I can't and I won't do it by myself....You are setting yourself up for success, not failure.. And you will set an example for many on this thread... the more love and understanding we all get , the better off we will all be... so happy you have joined us... keep us updated on what is going on.... you are going to make a mark in this world... hugs to everyone..