This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
keep comin back here , this site is a great place to whine , vent , moan cuz we all are in the same boat youre in .
today the weathers a blah day and it makes me feelin blahhhhhhh .
think i ll go walk my dog . xoxo
I have a tendency to be blunt, I like short sweet and to the point, with no chance of misunderstanding. No body in the family cares for it, but like I told my "eldest" brother when he was out here, you might not like what I say, you might not like how I say it, but I can only give you what I know or believe to be the truth. People can call me many things, but a liar and a thief are not two of them..lol..
There is nothing wrong with you, your trying to share your feelings with people who just plain out don't care.. Come here, we do care.. to h*** with the rest of them.
Debbie don't give up yet. Have you talked with Grandma about what would happen if she got sick and couldn't answer for herself? That might be a good starting point. Have you tried talking with her doctor about your concerns? Or you could pass on your concerns to his nurse and the next time Grandma is in for a check-up they would be aware that there are problems. If Grandma trusts her doctor, then she might be more willing to take medications to help her. Does anyone have POA, your mother maybe? If not, then that would be the first step to take. I know this is not an easy thing to do.
Must go to the pharmacy before I decide I'd rather have a nap. Heather will only be here 2 days this week....darn it....I'm liking this too much...:)
Love and Hugz,
Jam
"You need to......) and there was nothing I could do... And if you and your mom have talked about this and agreed that something will have to happen first, then you have done all you can.... Grandmother may find that she will have to pay someone , just because you are "family" does not mean you have to worry yourself half to death over things you have no say so about... Continue with school, keep your job, take time to have some fun, and the rest will happen as it will. You hang in there and know you are doing the best you can.... hugs to you...
Like you said, you have no legal backing at the moment, there isn't much you can do, about the only way I can think of, is if she is a danger to herself or someone else, you might be able to approach a judge about a competence hearing.
And Jam, let that butt kissing continue, is there a new piece of jewelry you want, or something like that??? now is the time,, and DO NOT FOLD THE UNDERWEAR !!!!
I hope that you do not have to go the way of the courts...if you have family, you might have a fight on your hands, I told the brothers that I was going to do that if I had too, one said he would fight me, told him to bring it on, his butt wasn't here to take care of her. Thankfully I didn't have to have that fight. You can contact the local hospice, talk with the social worker there, she/he can provide you with information on how to find them, or get them for you.. They took care of that for me.
http://www.caringinfo.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=3289
I can just tell you that my mother had the same reactions 5/6 years ago; she didn't want any help from anyone, she didn't want a caregiver, she didn't want to come live with me... It was always a "no" and my brother and I were getting crazy because we knew that she put herself in danger every minute. Then, one day, she fell from a high ladder in the middle of the night, because she wanted to put something in the cupboard. She couldn't call anyone; the following day my brother had to smash the door to get into the house. From that moment on, she accepted a caregiver part time, and so on and so on, and now she lives with me. The period where they start to have problems in organizing their life, is also the period that they claim their independence and it is very difficult for the people around them! It is just a period which will necessarily pass. Good luck!
Seeme, what is going on with the Dr's??? Hope we hear from you, I am worried...
Starri, husbands!!! See, that is why I no longer have one of those, and now if I get pissy or don't have enough money, it REALLY is all my fault... lol... doesn't he realize on some level that you just lost your mom and do not need this stress on top of it all?And I didn't know men bought anything that wasn't about ego... you'll have to fill me in on purchases that are not guided by that for men... hmmm, had no idea..
Debbie, you are the most amazing young woman.. taking the bull by the horns,, and you are right, this sight has more info than we would ever use, but covers everything... happy to see you are getting into action before things go downhill.
Jam, am proud of you for not folding the damned underwear,, Target needs to have chapped lips, it is his turn to "make the col happy", hehehehe...and ask him if he has been shopping for my birthday gift....
My "Sonnyism" for the day.. I finally have him on a schedule, will not let him sleep all morning, and then have to keep him busy...after lunch he wanted to lay down, told him no, he had things he had to help me with.. We dried the dishes, put things up, emptied trash cans into the big one, and took the garbage can to the road... on the way back in the house he said" I ain't gonna let you work me this hard again unless I get on the payroll" bahahahahaha!!!! I know the neighbors heard me laughing.. now he could not put the spoon with the spoons in the drawer, but he still has that humor... Bless his heart....
Am going outside to smoke,,, the heat is killing me,, hugs to everyone...
When we go to the beach, the group is: Mother - Daniela (the helper of the morning) + Daniela's 5 years old child + me. Daniela and I make shifts to stay near my mother (who otherwise would flee) and Daniela's child bathes with her mother or with me. So, the child has a pleasant morning, and Daniela and I have time to enjoy the beach even though you can't say that we really enjoy it 100%. I hope we can do it this week, too, if that SOB of one of my employers pays me! (he is 15 days late!!!)
Ladeeda? the non-ego purchases, are things that are "actually" needed. He does do his best though to buy the most expensive things that he can find. I've been in the process of trying to train him for the last 11 years..told him one time if he got nothing else out of this marriage, he would at least make some woman a good husband...rofl.
I was sole support for many of those, when he did have a job, I could time it to almost the day he would either get fired or quit. So he's been learning how to come to a decision that maybe he doesn't need the 500.00 brakes when a 50.00 set will do just as well. I finally gave up one day on making him find a job, when a friend of his told him that because he was over 50, getting his disability would be a piece of cake, 2.5 years later he finally got it, and only because I stayed on his butt about doing the paperwork.
Made him apply for his VA disability because I wasn't paying for insurance to cover him and myself (half my check), if he could not keep a job. Between the two incomes he now brings in, it allowed me to come home, be able to take care of him, my brother and Mom and file for my own disability. I'd been working in extreme pain for over 8 years.
Rossellamex? isn't there some kinda official board or something you can go too? we have a government agency here that takes care of that kinda thing. I had to go to them one time over a employer not paying me over time I was due, they had to pay it along with interest for how long I had to wait. I'm jealous over the beach, I live a 6 hour drive away and hubby isn't really interested in going, so he ends up laying in the bed in the hotel room, and if I want to do something, I have to do it on my own.
Hope everyone has a peaceful day...
BananaMarie, welcome, and vent all you want.. this is the place.... you will read many stories on this whole sight about siblings not helping.. that's why I call my siblings,"the ugly sisters"...so keep coming back and telling us how you feel, we care and we listen..
Debbie, hope you get the papers, and get them signed by your grandmother with the least amount of trouble, doesn't sound like it will happen that way, but you sound determined to take good care of your grandparents and hope things get a little easier for you...
Starri, well, I hope your teeth aren't gritted off to nubs before you get to leave on vacation.... you know how to handle hubby, so other than the extra stress you'll eventually get your vacation....
soverytired, I am sorry for not welcoming you yesterday.. Don't know much about you story, please share more, so we can help if we can.. If not, keep on venting, this is what this is all about, getting it out... pray for you to have a better day...
Jam, have you started on my quilt yet? Are the underwear still in the basket?? And yes the col will get a haircut, sedate her first, when she wakes up she will think she agreed to it and will love it....
Seeme, so happy to know things are finally on the right track with your mom... get some rest while you can...
Hugs and prayers for everyone this morning, need to get ready for work, to go see what new surprises Sonny has for me today....
And Rossella, go get your money girl, relieve some of that frustration on them and get your money or drop mama off and tell them you are not coming back until they give you your money..... love ya
Welcome to all of our new posters.....I will get caught up with everyone today I hope!
Nothing new going on here.......listening to Target put dinner in the crockpot, the col is having her breakfast, all the dogs have taken numerous trips outside, the underwear IS NOT getting folded, and I'm sitting and drinking my coffee and contemplating buying a new mattress. Haven't started on ladee's quilt yet....shame on me!
I listen to other people's horror stories about dealing with SS disability and I guess I was one of the lucky ones. After I was injured in Oct 2009, my long-term disability carrier sent me information on a company they work with that works to get your SSD. I read through all the information and it kept saying that nothing will come directly out of my pocket and their fee would be taken from any lump sum settlement I got. Okay, I finally decided to let them do all the paperwork and it was within a couple of months I received a letter from them and SS saying I was approved and would be getting a check soon. The whole thing took about 3 mo because my back pay was $6000. The fee for the company was like $800 and they had taken that out before I got the big check. My dil, who has MS, was turned down for SSD, so I sent her to them and they are working to get hers approved. My husband retired with a disability last Feb and when he called the company they told him you have to be disabled for 1 yr before you can apply. So apparently they changed the law. But I don't understand why because that would mean there would always be a huge back pay due. So I am going to do a little research on that one. This company was great and told me that if you try to do it all yourself chances are you will be turned down several times, I wasn't. So I highly recommend them. And if anyone is interested I can give you the information on my wall.
Will check back later.........
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
I did the filing on my own, was denied twice, once is pretty standard practice with them, after the second time I hired a attorney, he represented me in a "hearing" before a judge, which is considered the third round with them.
It was one of those video things, she was on a TV in Knoxville, TN, I was in Greenville, SC. My attorney gets 1/4 of my back pay, the SS takes that before they send you it and then if they have taken more than what the rep is due, they send you the rest after they get done paying them. My attorney is going to make out like a bandit, maybe two weeks worth of work and it's over 3,000.00 the SS took out for them..lol, I don't care, at least it got approved and I am done with the mess for at least three years, they can review it after that and determine if I am still disabled or not. They did that to my brother a few times, before the next one called, and said "oh, I don't know why we are doing this", lol, like "duh" MS is not going to get any better.
Hope your husband gets it quickly.. it's a aggravation. It's like they almost try to starve you to death, before they'll give it too you, my brother almost lost everything he owned before they finally gave it to him.
My cousin, who works in the same field but she is an actress (she makes the dubbings) some years ago had waited for months and months to be paid by one of these firms. So one day she went there, and the boss told her for the 1000th time: "yes, we are going to pay you very soon, don't worry". And she didn't believe him anymore, so she took a computer of that office (she unplugged all the wires), she took the computer in her arms and went toward the door, saying "I accept it as a payment!" (my cousin is a smart, smart woman). And the boss stopped her and said "Come here, I sign you a check!" I am not going to do this for 250 euros!!!! She did it because they owed her a lot of money!
Starri, what can we do with these men????? I'm an old maid and never managed to understand how they "work", I hoped that you married ladies could give me some explanations! (at least, to explain the past, because I don't foresee any more love stories in my future. I'd like to understand what happened with the past ones, just because I am curious)
Ladee, my cat photo album has 3 more photos. The less I work, the most I take pictures of cats.
My brother actually agreed to come over late evenings and spend the night!!! Will miracles never cease! I think it's because I silently begged God in my head for weeks. Hey, whatever it takes.
And I have other caregivers set up to cover the days. I'm afraid to get to excited for fear I will wake up to find that it is all a dream.
I'm feeling guilty about not taking dad, but I will try to work through it. He wont even know I'm gone.
I have heard that SSD is a nightmare. Workers comp. is even worse. If I ever get
injured on the job again I will not use workers comp. YUCK!!! I'd rather eat dirt.
Rossellamex, I love to take pics of my cats to.
One of my favorite sayings is by Albert Schweitzer : There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life music cats. Of course I have to add chocolate to that........ oh and don't forget the beer. A beer is always nice. Blessings