This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
HB, you are still in my prayers, hugs to you
Jam, thanks for reminding me about the brace. Wore it today, and was MUCH better.. did you find a caregiver yet?? Hope this is not going to be an ordeal for you...Prayers the right person is sent your way,, and my my seeme is stingy isn't she... You said put Sonny on a bus, can do that he will be the one "barking", you'll know it is him... on our walk today a neighbor dog started barking as we were passing by and yep, you guessed it.... he stopped and started barking back... this went on for a few minutes, then off we go again.. and Sonny said, "Aw, he knows I'm not a real dog", gotta love my job.... never dull. Tell Target we are happy our insanity has rubbed off on him,if you get sick, he can post for you and we'll never know the difference...
54 glad to see you again. Hope things get better for you, doubt that will happen without meds, but hang in there, hugs
ASG, what a horrible, yet funny thing to happen with your greatgranny... and you vounteered to take care of Auntie???? No sweetie, I think you DID have some trauma from that shit shaken' you took.. something to think about lol
Sandra, got your message the other day, I was at work, tried posting to you, hope you are doing better now..And you might as well have your attitude, it is much better than despair... hang is there
Starri, happy to hear you got your meds....listen to others,,, we need to take care of us too.
Seeme, I have wondered many times looking and listening to my Alz. patients and hearing others stories about how this disease takes the humanity out of people..like compassion, another client, sometimes I was so disgusted to hear the things that came out of her mouth about other people,, Ruth still had compassion, but could punch your lights out if she got angry.... It is not the same with any two, I hate this disease, I hate it..
raetay, thanks for your support. I still need that every now and again, to be reminded I gave Ruth my best.. thanks again...
Johnny, happy to hear this feels like home to you... you are carrying a big load with your wife and we are always happy to hear from you... hugs
If I missed anyone, I will try to catch you later.... hugs to everyone...
Okay, had to take a short break for the UPS man. Please tell me I'm being a snob, and to shut the hell up and stop being an a$$. The other day I got a text message from the col's oldest granddaughter telling me she was at the UPS store sending a package for the col's birthday which is next Monday. So today a big box arrives, she never said what was in it, and hubby says perhaps we should open it in case there might be something perishable. So we did and pull out a framed picture that looks like, oh about $9.95 from Wal-Mart. Under that, not wrapped, just shoved in the "popcorn" is a lavender mohair sweater that hubby says he recognizes as his dead sisters. Pretty sweater, but it's 95 degrees out, mohair and scratchy as hell. Then a fleece jacket, from DisneyWorld Outdoors, SIZE XXL and has hair and fuzz all over it, I'm sure it also belonged to dead daughter. Now not counting husbands, one is an attorney, and the other quit his computer job to run the family business, which is a winery called Belvoir Winery, and they own the Odd Fellows Home in Liberty, Mo. They have a website, blah blah blah......these 2 girls are both M.D's and make around 1 million a yr each. Am I being ridiculous in thinking they could have bought their grandmother a little something more appropriate for her birthday? Or asked us what would be a good gift? I am going to put the sweater in a gift box and we will put the pic on a wall somewhere for her. I'm going to take her to our salon and have her hair done and get her a manicure. She doesn't need any more clothes, has plenty of shoes. She called us today and talked with me for a little bit telling me the doctor hadn't been in to see her and wasn't going to, she started telling me something, and I could hear the staff in the background correcting her so they were listening. Then I turned her over to hubby and she got an attitude when he told her that she couldn't come home until they saw what the new medicine was going to do for her. So who knows what they are going to do. Could keep her for several more days or discharge her tomorrow. The fence posts are in the ground, we're getting a 5' chain link instead of 4', gonna look like a compound around here. It will be finished on Monday. Talked with the first woman we offered the job to as care giver and with her injured knee she turned us down, but another woman that was also an EMT student of mine has offered to work for us. She is different and I think exactly what we need. Her youngest little fella is 4 yrs old and has many medical problems, including autism and epilepsy, she has trained herself way beyond the norm. She talks medical terminology that I have to ask hubby what the words mean....:) She does not raise her voice with her children, she makes them stop and think about their mistakes and to come up with solutions. She kept my granddaughters when we all went to Vegas last April. The 7 yr old was learning the joy of climbing trees and slid down and scratched her leg and then was afraid to try again. Heather talked with her about her fears and helped her to get right back in that tree......now the little bugger thinks she's a monkey! The only thing she really wants to know right now are what are the rules she needs to enforce. I think she will work perfectly. She will not allow the col to talk her out of anything, she will enforce the rules but do it lovingly but firmly. I'm already feeling some relief from the stress. The only other thing to do now is replace the dead bolt on the front door with one that is keyed from both sides. And it's possible we have one of those lying around here somewhere. I cleaned on her carpet today a little more and after about an hour I was almost in tears my back was hurting so bad, so I had to stop. I was cleaning out a secretary that belonged to the col's mother and found an old Christmas stocking that belonged to her father, with what was written on the note attached it is now 111 yrs old. Then there was a piece of green velvet that someone had cut squares out and GLUED pictures of her family, most taken back in the 1860's in Scotland. I have some glue remover made for pictures, and I am going to try very carefully to see if I can remove the glue and preserve those.
I hope everyone has had a great day with a nap or two thrown in for good measure. I think starri has the gold "starri" for nap time today!
Linda.....is pa able to get up at all anymore? How's your back? Give him a big ol' hug.
ladee......how many yards did Sonny get cleaned up today? I walked down to our lower yard today and thought of him every time I saw branches and sticks....:)
seeme......is mom feeling better today? I hope she can sleep tonight so you can get some rest.
Hope everyone else checks in tonight.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Try to keep your aunt under control; it is difficult enough when you keep them under control.
Kisses to everyone.
Ah, Ladee! Tonight I found out my mother had hidden a snack between her diaper and her pants. We are not yet at the stage banana-in-the-diaper, but we are approaching!
Jam, you are making your house COL-proof! that's nice! I wonder which will be her reaction when she sees the fence. Maybe you could try to hide it with some climbing plant....
Love ya seeme,
Jam
my back seems tobe getting better after takin steriod . can still feel lit pain but its not cripplin me ,
wooo xoxo
Love and Hugz,
Jam
In the meantime, she has cried to think she will be stabbed again for bloodwork, which she won't cause she has a porta-cath, she just hates to go to another doctor, wonders if I am worried for her, which I tell her I am not, and on and on and on. I just try to reassure her, but this really needs to get fixed. We can't keep going on like this. The antibiotics haven't kicked in yet. The particulates are more numerous, I can almost tell what she ate last.
Kathy IS a gem and we don't know what we would do without her.....I certainly don't want to ever find out. So I claim the "stingiest person" on the site. But she is like Ladee, don't think she will ever leave this state again. She is getting flustered with the shower stuff for Saturday, so I have taken over the veggie and cheese trays, and will make some ham salad for her, make the dip for the veggies, and I have all the fancy dishes to put them in/on. We trade off pretty well. Hubby is even making her some mini banana nut bread muffins from scratch with cream cheese frosting.
I'm hoping Starri's hubby got his act together and picked up her meds. I know what it is like to have hubby get on the bike and forget everything else. And it is flat country around here. She should have some mountains to ride on.
I am going to post this and quit for the evening. I just can't get anything done for taking her to the bathrrom..Pray for the UTI cork to come and stop this madness.
And no, those were just crappy gifts no matter how you look at it... At least the col won't really understand and not get her feelings hurt....
Seeme, sorry the meds aren't working yet.. I know you are exhausted.Can only go to the bathroom so many times before you loose your mind... hope she is better tomorrow... And I know you are worried and want some restults. Maybe this will be the Dr. to fix things.. prayers for a good outcome..
Linda, give Pa a kiss for me, and sorry he isn't doing well, but glad to hear your back is better...
Rossella, don't work too hard, you can only spend so much money in this life, then ya gotta go have some fun...
Everyone else, will check in tomorrow, am going to bed,,,, later and hugs to everyone
Rosella, no I think the the social services is a real good idea. And even in another county where there was a big city maybe instead of small town politics might be fine. Just not in this one. Sounds like where you live they have a wonderful social services. I do think its a good idea. Big hugs to you, I do appreciate your advice:)
Ladee, lol you are probably onto somthing. It seems I have a sickness for little sweet demented old ladies that need me. You'd think I would learn.
Gonna take aunt to the foot dr. Tomarrow, then run my errand, since fil is gone this week. I got aggrevated with the kitty tonight, well not the kitty but its situation. Had her convinced to take it to get its nails clipped at the groomer. They are so sharp they are tearing me up, plus the curtains, plus getting the caught on everything. Then she changed her mind after going to the beauty shop today, seems that lady dosnt get her cats nails clipped. Well we don't out cas either but he lives outside now, for the most part and dosnt seem to have a problem with catching his on stuff. I hate well meaning people. After opening the 3rd can of cat food this eve, for the day, I did open my mouth again, and tell her we shouldn't hold the cat over its bowel so it will eat anymore. If we let it out and it dosnt go eat it food while it is out it will be hungreier the next time. How much do you guys feed cats? Its at least 8 or 9 months old now. She has to be letting this cat out and feeding it. I opened up a a second can befor lunch at at supper gave it the rest of that. I also told her it probably dosnt need to eat at bedtime. Or the second breakfast. Any ideas?
Yeah, every time I look at that sweater I just get a little more irked. Makes me itch. It's not soft at all....that's probably why it doesn't really look worn and if his sister wore it, it was a loooonnnggggg time ago. She was ill when I met her and was wearing size 2x or 3x. The other jacket thing is HUGE....don't have a clue what they thought she would do with it, use it for a blanket maybe....:)
~Lance
P.S. We laugh a lot together...she thinks I am funny.
Hubby actually was pretty good, he stopped and picked up my meds, I know that he took more of a ride than what he really needed too, but that is ok, he's having to deal with me, deal with being alone most of the time. If I am at home, I am sleeping.
Trying to figure out what the h*** is wrong with me tonight, Mom hasn't done anything wrong, or been hard to help and I am just about as pissed off as I can get and don't know why. The way I am feeling is get in the car and drive till the car dies..or I run out of road.
We've made another potty run, she's got this hospital bed, and can't move into the middle of it on her own, has a hard time getting comfortable, I can't lift her, and she ends up sleeping side ways on the bed, we have to try and rearrange her after a potty trip.
Hope all are resting, going to take one of my lorazepam in the morning and be dead to the world for most of the day. Take care
Ludwig, I am sorry to hear about your loss, please realize it isn't your fault, you did all that you could do for her. A lot of the time we don't believe that we did everything that we could. Tonight I guess I am feeling kinda the same guilty frustrated and not knowing what to do. To move her easily is going to take two people and there isn't two people available, could call my husband and have him come help, but that would be undone the moment I had to get her up for the pot.
I just plain don't know anymore.
ASG, I am pretty sure you are not going to do this, but the f'n cat needs to be OUT of that dm'd cage... I am a cat person, and know what cats like and don't like... I just cringe every time you post about that poor cat... You DO NOT hold the cat over the food bowl, it will eat when it gets hungry!!!!! You know what, nothing is going to be done differently for that poor cat, and I am not saying anything else about it.... and if I have made you mad, I am sorry. I just think that old woman needs a lesson in "YOU AIN'T IN CONTROL" . I can NOT stand to hear of animal being abused and that is what she is doing....
Starri, sometimes we just "hit the wall" with our pent up feelings.. you are carrying a big load, and it just gets overwhelming at times.. go a little lighter on yourself.... you are tired...
ludwig, I can totally relate to what you are saying.. Why did I not demand that Ruth have a test for a UTI ????? I know that is ultimately what took her life, (last stage Alz.) and I have felt that guilt myself. But my experience is that it is either a UTI or phenomena that takes Alz patients.. So no, it is not your fault. just like it wasn't mine. I have to tell myself that at some point it would have happened regardless of what I was trying to do... I am very sorry for your loss. I lost Ruth on May 20, so I understand how you feel... hugs to you
sir, welcome and you are doing a great job... And I know Johnny is happy to see another man's face here!!!!
Johnny so happy to see you contributing to this thread... you are needed here with your experience and love for your wife... You and Sir are affirmations of loving caring men....
time to get ready for work... see ya'll this evening... love and hugs to everyone...
I see we have some new friends....welcome lance and ludwig!
It's raining a little here in the Midwest.....my garden is happy I'm sure.
Another day of freedom, I think. For our new friends, my col has been hospitalized since last Friday for a mental "tune-up". So far it doesn't seem to be doing her any good, so they may just give up and send her home and tell us there is nothing that can be done. She called twice yesterday and the last time demanded that "you tell the doctors I want to go home".....just because son is also a doctor doesn't mean he has control and can order any other doc around. Right now, we are patient's family only, not the doctor in charge. I want them to keep her until at least Monday.....the new fence will be finished then.
lance......how very noble and loving of you to take your mom home and your life to improve also. It is a hard job and we won't get our reward for doing it on this earth. Does your mother use a walker or cane to help steady herself when she stands up? That might just help the falls. I know the col is very unsteady on her feet and that will be something new for her when she gets home. She has fallen also and if I can't help her when she first stands, she stumbles sideways. Do you get to take breaks to do something for you or are you with mom all the time? Maybe a neighbor might be willing to sit with her for a couple of hours each week to give you a chance to go out. Something to think about.
ludwig......I am sorry for the loss of your mother. No one can make those feelings of guilt go away....just remember that the final outcome was not in your hands, it never was. And when someone's time has come, no amount of medical treatment is going to make a difference in that outcome. Oh, sure it might prolong the inevitable for a few days while your loved one lies there and suffers..do we really know what is going on "in there"? I lost my mother last Dec. 29, she got sick on Friday Christmas Eve and passed the next Wed morning. I watched her lie in that hospital bed struggling to breathe, not recognizing anyone, crying out for 3 days, and had her brought back to the nursing home the next Tuesday afternoon. Hospice was there, got her settled in and started the morphine. Thank you God for not allowing her to linger and suffer. I still feel her loss, but I am so glad she didn't have to suffer any longer than she did.
johnny.....how are you and the missus doing this morning?
starri......I'm sorry mom is feeling bad. I'm glad hubby picked up your meds. Maybe you could get on the back of that bike with hubby and just take off and ride for a while. Just go somewhere and have lunch and some "you" time. You may have posted before about help and I missed it.....do you have hospice in for help with mom? Since it's a 2-person job to move her that might help.....if nothing else it would give you a much needed break.
ASG.....good morning.....are you getting some of this rain? Actually the sun is beginning to try and shine, so it may be over. That will make it nice and steamy outside.
Hi to everyone else that may be reading but not posting today......hope everyone has a beautiful day!
Love and Hugz,
Jam
wonder how s headbanger s gmas doing today ? prayers sent to them . xoxox
Hospice has been wonderful for us during our final and most urgent needs. My grandmother is comfortable, clean, and well medicated so that she can continue to move closer to the other side without the unnecessary shackles of pain in her body.
Family and friends who haven't seen her in a while are stopping in to see her and wish her well. When she opens her eyes we can see the flash of recognition and pleasure when she sees someone who she loves. Grandma always loved visitors.
My mother and I are hanging in there. We are feeling the effects of fatigue but as we shared the caregiving while she was ambulatory we are sharing the chores of end of life. My mother, ever the control freak, would like it very much and find it appropriate if Grandma passed on Pentacost Sunday. If possible I think she'd phone the holy spirit and book her passage. My mother is very into catholic symbolism.
Take care all, I'm going to creep off and take a nap somewhere, sitting up if I have to.
Love n stuff
HB
I am new to caring for my FIL....I am one that rarely has headaches, and now, almost everyday. I just pin pointed the cause.
Got up this morning, coffee grounds all over the wall and floor, big wad of chewing tobacco in trash can, without liner and listening to his never ending tales.
I am trying to be paitent, but it's hard. Just one morning, I would like to have a cup of coffee without commentary.
My hardships are nothing compared to some of the stories I have read and my thoughts and prayers go out to all.
It is a little different for me, because I don't think I like my FIL very much. I am respectful and do all I can. I have asked my husband what the plans are when he becomes unable to go to the bathroom, change his clothes, etc....his comment is, he will not be changing diapers.
Wow, what a road in store for us......
Thanks for letting me vent.
Seeme, you are such a sweetie, and thank you for reminding me that I am not in charge of the important stuff, like when to leave. You and jam are both right, to prolong it a few days, why? the process has begun for letting go of the guilt,, thanks again..
HB, love, hugs, prayers, and angels sent your way, let us know how things are.. love ya.
Johnny, thanks for the positive message this morning..The gentleman I take care of has Alz, and he makes me laugh everyday. He can not find the bathroom, hides the toilet paper, gets lost in the house, but he is so sweet. One of his favorite things to do is pick up twigs out of the yard... we were out there today, and he put some stuff on the little pile we have started.. Then he was going to pick the whole mess up and move it... I suggested we leave it there in case one day we wanted to roast marshmallows. ( We are in severe drought and fires of any sort anywhere are forbidden)Now remember, he can not find the bathroom but somewhere the burn ban has stuck in his mind.... He said we were going to get the fire department on us if we started a fire... I said I'd just run down the road and tell them you started it,, He laughed and said, "and I'll tell them you are the one that told me start it"........ we laughed all the way back to the house...so you are right, cherish the moments, there are many things to be grateful for, so happy to see you here...
Ok, I am going to take a time out and go take a nap.... love you all, more later..
ditto johnny.....I like that positive attitude!
linda.....not a darn thing wrong with taking some time off to do absolutely nothing. It will all be waiting for when you have a little more energy. So play some more...:)
HB.....thank you for checking in.....have been thinking about you and your family. Maybe mom will get her wish. And how wonderful that friends are coming to see her before she goes. I'm sure you all are a tremendous comfort to her. She is in my prayers everyday, as well as you are. Love to you.......
Welcome......dgrey, yes this is a difficult job we are doing and glad to see you here where you can just let it all out. Does FIL have dementia? I haven't read your profile yet. Lives with you and husband? Those headaches are stress and frustration. Of course you try to be patient. Are you going to always succeed? Doubtful.....but remember you are not alone. We all reach a certain point sometimes that we just can't take anymore....we are human and we didn't sign up for this job. I know I didn't......when I said I do I don't remember anyone telling me the care of my mother-in-law was a part of it. And to be honest, there are days when I don't like her very much either. But she will get the very best of care, just like you are giving your FIL. Come and visit us again.....we love to meet new friends.
Sorry have to cut this short.....col is calling from the hospital.....and I can hear the Looney Tunes theme song..........................
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Well, so much about not commenting much!