This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
It's going to be a long night tonight, haven't had a decent nights sleep in a few days, did manage to get a couple of days escape while one brother was out here, I needed it badly, had just come out of 3 weeks of my mom in the hospital and me there about 18 hours per day.
She's not doing too well, I'm basically consulting her hospice nurse every other day to see if we can come up with a pain med routine that will at least take the edge off without keeping her sleeping all the time. Her nurse tells me there are three kinds of pain, and Mom has all three, so meds are going to be hard to balance.
It's starting to get to the point that she isn't going to be able to get up and down out of the bed, she'll fight me when I try to put her in adult diapers, she won't use a bed pan. Tonight I had to listen about what a great person my brother is when he sits with her, how very attentive he is to her needs, kinda hurt, I've been doing her caregiving for 2+ years now, God love him, he wants to help, but needs help himself as well, MS and Epilepsy have taken his memory, he still has his long term but not his short term, so I end up having to watch him and her at the same time. He can't remember what he had for breakfast 20 minutes after he ate. Her memory is getting more and more confused, she can't remember if she took her pain meds, her other meds, etc.. this scares the "stuff" out of me because if I leave him to watch her on his own, he won't remember either. I have to repeat to her, what the pills are I just handed her 10+ times and she still doesn't remember.
Tonight she was doing good for a while, and then it started to go down hill, got her to take her pain meds, and her regular meds, including her sleeping pill, she slept well for about 4 hours and started crying out, called out to my grandmother and told her it hurt, gm left us over 45 years ago. She then came semi awake and insisted she had to get in the other bed, pointed at the couch, had to explain that wasn't a bed, so I got her wheelchair and got her in her regular bed, instead of the hospital bed. She insisted that someone had been in her hospital bed with her.
With her memory going as quick as it is, and with my brothers the way it is, it's hard to sneak in sleep. Tonight there won't be any, and tomorrow during the day (it's the only time its half way safe to let my brother stay with her) I don't know that there will be time for it either.
I knew this time was coming and I know it won't be long before my husband and my brother both require the same. Just trying to figure out how I am going to survive this, the stress of all doesn't do wonders for my depression and bipolar.
Sound kinda like I am babbling tonight, guess that I am, Big Hugs to all...
And then your brother and his circumstances. You are carrying a big load...
We are happy you are here. You will get love and support, and even laugh now and then... hope you come back and let us get to know you, and you get to know us. I always feel like I have stepped in to a soft and safe place when I come here. I get to be sad, happy, grumpy, tired, and anything else I am feeling. And then there's the "rabbits", and get to laugh out loud.. Good for the soul...
ASG, you need to get your rest, can't see those T-ball bats coming if you're tired. How is the knee this morning..?? Hope you know "I'm sowwy" will be taken and used here!!!! And thanks for the encouragement about the new job. Going to be much different than the last few months...I still miss Ruth and seems it is getting harder each day. Guess that is the way grief works. Too much to do at first, then time catches up to you... so many things going thru my mind about our time together..
Hope everyone has a day, if not a good one... hugs across the miles to you all. love
We had a new med delivered yesterday to help Mom with panic attacks, she gets these when there is too much going on. She went into a serious one when we had the whole bunch of us kids and one sister in law over last week. Thankfully I am familiar with the medication as I take it too, Lorazepam. I use it for sleep when I can't get the brain to shut off (manic), she'll be using it for nerves. With no new pain meds delivered I don't know if the nurse has gotten the Dr.'s approval for the increase, will find that out I guess when she calls me back.
One of the ladies mentioned daydreaming about the freedom that I am sorry to say comes with the passing, it's ok to daydream, your not wishing they die soon, your just thinking about what your life can be like. There is no harm in that, and it really is good for you I believe.
My husband and I are planning on taking a couple of months to just travel. My brother and a friend of the family make a whole person together. So they can take care of each other while we are gone. Our friend is 70 and in failing health, but his mind is still sharp, my brother thankfully can still do the more manual things in life.
Hubby has been here with me for 10 years so that I can look after family, I owe him some time too. He's what I call a social butterfly, where I am more of a hermit (have a hard time dealing with people in person).
I hope that the nurse calls back soon, I really need some sleep, will be taking night shift from now on, along with a day shift or two as well, Jerry (brother) can't handle the nurse and the things that she needs to know and to let us know as far as her care and current health status.
Hope all find a little time for themselves today, if nothing more than a moment or two to catch your breath before diving back in.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
I can't imagine taking care of 3 people !! Lordy, I almost had my MIL in here with us, but my hubby put a stop to that. Good for him, I didn't have to be the meanie, although I can play that if need be, just too tired to do it. Sounds like the cahllenges you face are a little different and at the same time much too familiar. Stay with us and laugh when we get stupid, it really helps. Welcome.
Ladee...my dad used to shower with mom, but she was mobile then. Now there just isn't room in the shower for me, her, and the bench. And I use a shower curtain instead of doors, so that doesn't help keep the water in as well. But she only has a 3 " step to make to get in, not like having to step over the tub. Besides, truthfully, and don't tell anyone, I had that bathroom designed to make it easier for me to give my OES baths (Old English Sheepdogs) I can't even make it fun for her with different soaps as she is so allergic to topical things. She can only use Dove and Carress, maybe Tone...I use Dove sensitive, so that is it. Same with lotions and I am allergic to aloe vera....and I blame her !!! heehee
ASG.....Sowwy about the knww, but I don't know any safe place to be when kids are playing t-ball !!! But ain't it fun !!!!
We had the same thing with the water temp yesterday, and I just pretended to fix it. I swear my mom has about a two degree difference between too hot, too cold, and just right.....and I can't find it !!!!! HAHAHAHAHA
This year it is back, of course, so he won't get anywhere near it. I ALWAYS got poison ivy every year as a kid, tramping around, believe it or not in cow pastures, and streambanks, etc., so I know it well. Mean or not, I BLAME THE RABBITS !!!
So, yesterday when we pick our first big crop of grean beans, and I remember the baby that scared me, I start feeling things biting me, start scratching.....I have got the heebie geebies really bad...can't clean up well enough...and am still scratching today..........no, I don't have poison ivy......I'm just NUTS !!!
Never apply make-up during a hot flash. It will slide right off your face.
am scared im going to be full of blisters here in a bit by talking about posion ivy . oh crap im itchin now . xoxo
eeek . xoxo
i agree , posion ivy is ok eles where but not on my face thats when i go ruinnin cryin to doc , hell doc in my town has gone quack ! lol
Love and Hugz,
Jam
and I stop and look at the mess and get fire red from embarrassment ...hehehehe and hubby turns back to look at me, laughting ........and does the same thing!! HAHAHAHAHA Served him right !!! And the pattie took the color right out of that t-shirt !!!HAHAHAHAHA Lordy, lordy, that was funny.......
Dealing with people, family or not during a time like this is hard, and even worse going through what they are putting you through. Stand up for yourself and for your kids, you don't have to put up with their "Stuff"
My "Eldest" brother sat on his butt in California and tried to tell me here in South Carolina how to take care of mom and how to treat her, etc... that lasted until I told him that if he thought he knew better how to care for her, I would book her a plane and she'd been on it the next day, he backed down.
Tonights not a good night again, but at least I am working on a full 6 hours of sleep, She's in bad pain, I've given her all the medications that I can at the moment, it rips my heart open to hear her crying and not be able to do anything.
We're trying musical medications again. Upped her pain patch, working on upping the amatriptlyine and then finding out whatelse we can do. Mom is resistant to taking morphine, she's worried about getting hooked, the last damn thing she should be worried about, told her though this afternoon, that we are going to have to consider it, pills take to long to get into the system.
Hubby is having a really hard time dealing with her death, it's making him face his own mortality, his mom died when he was very young, never had a chance to grieve or to understand what happened, and since then I don't believe in his 63 years, he has been this close to someone who's dying. This makes my third time of being caregiver/help to someone, it doesn't get any easier. Hubby was crying last night, I felt so bad that I could not stay there to hold him and help him through it,
I was ready to give it up myself this evening, had her laying in the bed behind me, I was trying to set up pill boxes and have him upset on the phone, how many directions can one person go at a time?
Thanks for letting me babble.
My leg is killing me when I get off tho. Need to take Aleve earlier in the day... get home and NAP TIME...
How are the bunnies??? Or should I ask,,, love ya.. and hugs to everyone. I will get caught up in the morning,,, ni-night, hugs to you all
Got home after lunch with my sisters....was a nice break. Walked through a small flea market and found a couple of really nice crocheted table doilies. My oldest sister says why don't you just make them yourself.....uh, lazy? Sounded good to me..:) Checked on the col, she was doing fine, and was going to let her skip bath until tomorrow morning, but she just plain smelled, so tossed her in the bath tub real quick and just got er done.......glad now that I did. She felt better and my nose said thank you. Fed her supper and she's been a good little girl all night. Can't ask for much more than that. Of course it could be that the inner beast is lurking there to come alive tomorrow with a vengeance.......
Good night to all.....hope it's peaceful for everyone
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Linda, Poison Ivy I was so allergic when I was a kid but havent had it in years. I would also get it from the air. Didnt know where I was getting it until the dr asked if we had it near a window in our home, and we did, on a fence outside the window of the apartment I lived in. My son got it a month ago from burning brush. Showed up on his nose first, then spread to the rest of his face. His whole nose was covered looked so odd. He woke up yesterday morning and his face was red and eyes swollen, looked some more and yep, there it was popping up all over him. So I gave him one of the steriod pills the doc gave him from a month ago. I think it was better.
Jam, ha ha cow patty!!! Love it. Glad you had a good day with your sisters. Hopfully col will be good for you tommarow, lets cross our fingers cause I know how that goes.
Starr, you are in a tough situation. Hopfully she will let you give her som morphine so she can get some relief. I know aunt dosnt like to take her pain meds, then stays up at night cause she is hurting. She had knee replacement surgery years ago. She also told me she had open heart surgery in 1979, wow i didnt know they did that surgery so much then. My dad had it like 5 years ago and ever since says his doc told him it only last 8 yrs. So he is only 58 and gave himself 8 years that many years ago. I told him one time he is wayyy to young to live, like he is dying. I think it helped, or at least he stopped telling me about it.
So bout aunt wierd moods, one morning my son sets down at the piano(aunt gave it to my daughter a few years ago when they started moving around cause she wanted my daughter to learn to play) ok so son is setting on the bench one mporning last week before school and aunt opens her door and peeks out, son freaks out and takes off running out the door, 15 min later son is putting his shoes on at the couch and aunt comes up behind him,WERE YOU ON THAT PIANO! you shoulda seen his face when she takes her and reaches down at him, mine to! the room feel silent all eyes were focused on her hand, i was taking in a gasp of air, not knowing what she was about to do, when she reaches down...and puts her hand on his cheek(this is the son she told him he was dumber than a block and should have never been born)and says, would you like to learn piano, maybe some day mommy and daddy will get you lessons to!!! She just kept stroking his cheek and talking like she was talking to a baby to him. We were all shocked and relieved. His eyes were this big around (0)~(0).
We have had a few days like that. She just shocks the heck outta us. I over heard her telling somone on the phone cant a grandma spoil her grand children( she had ordered in breakfast for everyone). She has never been anyones grandma so I know she wasnt confused. I thought it was sweet. At the same time she has been cussing like a salior(ok not really just the damn word several times.) But so unlike her. I'm afraid it may not last ling though, for the past two days she has been getting teary eyed at the drop of a hat. Oh yeah, my hubbys english bulldog who we have gone crazy trying to keep him outta her way, had him outside part of the time, she would peek her head out to make sure he was put up in his bed before she would come out, is now her best buddy. Yep, havent had to close him up in like 3 weeks. feeds him her scrapes from the table and everything. She gets tery eyed and says he is pretty on the inside, Lol and crys about his inner beauty. Yep, its nuts. I know. she was a little nutty yesterday but in a different kind of way. So not sure if its my attitude reflecting hers or hers reflecting mine. But thats the story behind the better days with her. Knock on wood!!!