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I moved dad in 4 years ago. Daughter moved in 2 years ago. We were empty nest for almost 2 years. Since then, we have no privacy. When things get tough we have to go away to a hotel. We have a beautiful home we have rebuilt to make a "stay-cation" kind of place rather than spend on vacation rentals. Now we have to sneak in 2 hours to our selves maybe once a week if they leave the house at the same time. Last night we had 2 hours to make a nice lite dinner and of course ours, his and her dogs decided to be needy. His dog pees on the carpet right in front of us, then her dog throws up right after feeding him. Its not like we ignore them, we let all the dogs out to do their business and then this happens. So shortly after dad comes home, right into our living room to get my newspaper. It's not that I resent him being here, it is no privacy anymore in my own home. Daughter is looking for a place but can't rent due to breed of dog she has. Dad has no money. Siblings are MIA. Why am I the one who has to find alternatives for my privacy? No one helps out with chores, give a little to the electric, heat, food, toilet paper or laundry soap even... Wife wants to build a cabin out back, but they would still find us. Apparently dad has enough money to go out to breakfast and some lunches and dinners during the month. Anyone else have these issues or is it just me being selfish? I run a business, I pick up extra jobs here and there to bring money in and still...

There are good days and bad days. Enjoyed the house to ourselves for the entire day on Saturday and a few hours Sunday, felt like old times.... Just the wife and I.
Daughter is spending time with the new BF over the weekend. Apparently we have a new dog since hers had a issues with the BFs dog, so I now babysit her dog all week during the day and now weekends.
Advised we are away on a work trip at the end of the month and she is to be present to manage the dogs. I have people live here rent free and when I ask for things to be done I dont feel I need to ask. I do and I expect it to be done. Period!
On the good note she met his parents and we are supposedly going to meet him this weekend.
Dad is slowing down a bit, tired a lot. His weight is gaining and his shirts don't fit well anymore, bursting. Not very appetizing for him to have his shirt open at the dinner table. Funny, if I am not home he is the first one to say lets order pizza! Yeah, good eating habits. Can't teach him new tricks.
He is supposed to drive to my siblings house 7 hours away. Not too fond of this, he can barely walk without assistance let alone drive. Sibling thinks its great! 3 days with her and then she ships him back...... the Disney parent. Of course she doesn't call me to see what I think, even tho she wont listen to me anyway.
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Thanks cwillie!
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Poor TG tiptoed back after being mostly absent for a while and everybody is jumping all over him again. Not nice, probably not helpful either.
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Hey, the alcoholic SIL is gone; credit where credit is due!!
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Ha, 🤣 what can I say? I was on a roll cwillie and countrymouse!
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Folks, search for Tgengine's earlier posts and read them. This is NOT a new issue.
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Pedant.

Five, actually, altogether. But who's counting?

Cue Spanish Inquisition sketch, I think...
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That's four words Harpcat 🤣
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Two words...boundaries, tough love and oh one more word....a spine.
As Dr. Phil says "we teach people how to treat us".
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Ps, TG. You DO resent your dad. For good reason.

Not sure why you deny your very real feelings. You're an adult. You are allowed to have negative thoughts and feelings. You are allowed to be resentful of the fact that you're being taken advantage of.

Tell dad and adult daughter that you are charging them rent, starting July 1. If nothing else, it will fund more getaways.
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I don't understand why you have to "sneak" in anything in your own home where you pay for everything.

Have you ASKED anyone for help with the expenses and the chores? Do you ask them to go out (and take their dogs with them) so you can have private time and space? Or do you just think everyone should figure it out?

People can't read minds, and they won't respect your boundaries if you don't tell them what they are.

I also like the idea of grandpa and granddaughter getting their own place together. Seems like a great solution. Probably not the ideal for a young woman, but....I've been a renter all my adult life, and I've always known not to acquire ANY sort of dog. (Common sense might be dead, alas.) If she wants to keep the dog, she's going to have to compromise somewhere.
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Good idea Joan, maybe Dad and daughter can be roomies and share expenses.
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Build the cabin and put Dad in it maybe even daughter. Then you have the house to yourself.

Boundries. Everyone should be paying something. Nothing should come out of your pocket.
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My father receives about $350/month SS, bumped up to a total of $700/month with SSI. He lives on his own in a HUD senior apartment and has several hundred dollars left over each month. Your father can afford to live on his own. Whether he likes what he can afford, or wants to move out -- this is different.
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Same questions as Barb. What steps have you taken since so many posters offered advice the last time you wrote?
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TG, have you ever put your dad's name on waiting lists for income-based housing for the elderly in your state?

If not, why not?

Is your daughter paying rent?

If not, why not?
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TG, I bet your kids had chores growing up, and were expected to pick up after themselves. So why is your daughter, an adult, allowed to act like she's in a B&B with free everything including maid service and dog sitting?

One thing I've learned with touchy family situations is that the big conversation will come - it's just a matter of whether you have it in a controlled setting, or things come to a head and everything blows up, including tempers.
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Sue, TG has a long history on the site and his problems are nothing new. For some reason he sees it as wrong (unchristian?) to put the needs of himself and his wife above his father, child and the neighbourhood. As long as he refuses to accept that there are any viable alternatives - many of which have been brought up in the past - we can't help him.

Sorry you're still stuck TG.
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TG, it isn't selfish to want your privacy.

But it is unrealistic. You are living in a family home with family members. And their dogs. What do you expect to happen the second you and your wife get a moment to yourselves?

You know that the answer lies in your own hands. It always has done, as you knew before Dad moved in with you, and knew when DD turned up with hopeless SIL.

Your choice, with your wife's consent, is to provide these two people with a home, them and their useless attitude to money and their groundless optimism that having a massive dog wouldn't be a problem respectively.

You *can* choose different. But we both know you're not going to. And that being so, here is a shoulder rub of sympathy for the frustration of it all, with only a nudge to remind you of the alternatives.
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I'm assuming Dad gets Social Security (?) It must be very little. (My Dad got $400./mo.)
SSI supplemented that with another $400./mo. That still didn't make enough. He needed to live in a board and care home ($1500./mo back then). What to do? VA picked up the rest of the tab.

If your Dad doesn't need custodial care then that changes things.

Check out your local library. Behind the desk was a big booklet of listings for everything for seniors.
You may be able to apply to a senior residential community and apply for Section 8. It's for low income residents.

Also, visit your local Senior Center and ask the information desk about how to go about finding housing for a low income senior.

Maybe he and a buddy could pool resources and rent a place together.

Maybe grandpa and granddaughter could get a place together.

Call your uninvolved siblings and tell them they need to pitch in for their Dad. Tell them you can no longer have him live in your home and they'll need to supplement his income to rent a small place. No reason you have to do it all. Shame them into stepping up.

Against all odds, I found a Senior Residence in San Diego area (expensive) for my Mom that had 3 meals included, laundry done, maid service once a week and transportation for $1500./mo. If he and you all chipped in, maybe this could happen.
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Thanks, we have 2 living rooms, one I gave to dad all for him. The other is technically community but really for us (we pay the mortgage). Have been trying to help the daughter, she and her x moved in 2 years ago, we all finally got rid of him last fall. Now we are trying to find her a place she can afford.
Dad doesn't have enough on SSI to support a place. I've been down that road. It would be nice if the siblings would take him in for a few months a year but that will not happen. Trying to find daughter a place has cost us money.
I left home at 21..... never looked back, actually left at 18 the first time for work. I know I am supposed to take care of dad (he cant live on his own) but id love a little privacy.... I created a monster...........
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Time to put your foot down. This situation is out of hand and your relationship with your wife will only get worse if left unchecked.

You need to get both of them out of your home.
If dad is able to go out by himself and eat breakfast with friends, then he can care for himself. There are many senior residences available. If he doesn't have enough money, apply for SSI (Suplimental Security Income) or check out VA for assistance.

As for daughter, either she can rent a small house with a couple of girlfriends (a place that can accommodate her dog) or get rid of the dog. (I would have a horrible time doing that) but that's not YOUR problem.

Tell both of them that, WHILE they are still living with you, they will be responsible for X and X chores.

It reminds me of the old 70's bumper sticker (don't mean to offend anyone, just bringing up history);
"Gas, grass or *ss, nobody rides for free."

They are leaching off you and you are letting them. I know they're your family but why do THEY get all the perks and you can't even enjoy your staycation home?

Figure out what each one consumes in groceries, electricity, water, etc. and give them a bill. It needs to be paid monthly.

Have monthly check-in's to see what the progress in their finding other digs has been.
(You may have to find something for them.)

Set some ground rules;
No dogs in the house.
No invading your bedroom or bathroom.
They both need to be out of the house for two hours once a week (day negotiable).

In all fairness, a living room is looked at as a family community room.

Good luck. Get a strong backbone and set boundaries. It's YOUR house!
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