I am new in this and a bit lost ....

Marie: Do you live in the US? My suggestion would be to call her doctor and tell him everything you have stated here. The reason I asked if your were in the United States is because usually when an elderly person comes home after hip surgery, Home Health provides nurses and physical therapy people to help you the patient get better at home. It doesn't sound like you are getting that assistance.

How long has your mom been home? Sorry for all you are going through. Cattails

That is the problem, I don't live in the US :( Maybe I should start asking round if I can get any help here locally ......

I agree with the always good advice that Cattails provided. Do see if you can get some added help and contact the doctor or clinic. Let us know what you find out. Welcome to this site, glad you found your way here. Hope you and mom are doing better soon.

Yes Kimbee, need to ask from the hospital that she was in if there is any social service available. Today I have come to the end of my wits, I called my sis to ask if I should send my mum back to the hospital since she has not been eating for 2 days. My sis said yes, better send her back.

When I told my mum that I am sending her back, she cried and said she don't wanna go back, then I told her what else can I do, I am lost, everything I bring to you, you refuse to eat or drink, even water she refuse to drink !! So on the spot she asked for water and she can finish 80ml of it !! See ? She can still drink, she is just giving up and she thought she can just die by not eating .....

Hi Marie. I thought your mom was suffering from the surgery. When you told her that she was going back to the hospital and why, she finished the water - I laughed. But, just in case, please keep an eye on her. Check the surgical area and make sure it's kept clean and dry. If it starts turning red and hottish, or she's getting a fever, you may need to take her back to the hospital. When I had my 2 major surgeries (here in the U.S.), I was given these instructions. She might not tell you anything out of fear of going back to the hospital. So,you may need to keep an eye on her..Hope it all goes well with you.

Thanks for the wonderful advise bookworm .... bout her surgery wounds, my sister asked did the doctor took out the plaster when they discharged her and when I told my sister no (she herself is a nurse) - she was shock !! She said they should have taken out the plaster when they discharge her.

Now I am trying to call the hospital to ask when will be the date of her dressing and lucky me .... their line is out of order now !! What a day ..... I guess I need to go there myself to ask them !! Sigh ......

My mother did this exact thing after she broke her hip - refused to eat to the point of threatening to throw up even at the smell of food - with great theatrics. When she would eat, it'd be 5 bites, with a big show of suffering, which is her M.O. for everything anyway. It seemed like the one aspect of her life that Mom could control (and manipulate us with!). She made a big deal out of showing me how thin she was getting, and it pleased her so much. It took about 4 months for her to eat normally after losing about 25 pounds. I'm not saying that your mother is the drama queen, center of attention seeker that my mother is, but your story did ring very familiar with me. Bookworm, Kimbee and Cattails all give great advice. I wish I'd found this site 2 yrs ago when my mother fell. Good luck to you. I'll be keeping an eye on this thread to see how your story unfolds.

If you were in the U.S. it would have been suggested to get your mom into a rehabilitation facility if you couldn't get in home rehabilitation help. Also, the sooner your mom was up and moving around the better. The day after my mom had hip surgery (she has a rod down her femur), the physical therapist at the hospital came in and had her up. I hope you get the help you need.

Thanks Judy for sharing your story and thanks for wanting to know more about how mine will unfold, I do see a little bit of similarity between your mum and my mum when it comes to the eating part. My mum will also say she feels like throwing up if she eats, I told her it's just wind so don't worry but of course, whatever explaination from us don't work.

Anyway, there is another issue here, we all feel that my mum has given up on life. When ppl visits her she will say she is dying soon. That is why when I told her things like she has back sore and needs to turn or else worms will come out, she will simply answer .... it doesn't matter .....

So, I guess this is another issue ... when a patient gives up on their own life ... what can we do ... ;-((

Icross - yes, I know what you mean when you say it's better if she can get up sooner but now I guess with her age and before this she was already very frail, that is why things are a little bit challenging .....

rmarie: I think you should get your mom to the hospital. She may have an infection or other issues that need attention. You need to take some action. Cattails

I want to but how to fight the guilt when she cries and says no ..... ;-(( She said she rather die than go to the hospital .....

rmarie, it's interesting, the difference between the U.S. and another country when it comes to health care isn't it? My mother-in-law fell and broke her hip 2 months ago, she's (88 yrs old). Literally the day after surgery, they had her up and standing on it. A few days later they had her take a few steps. Then they sent her to a nursing home/rehab for 10 days where she had physical therapy at least 3 times a day. By the time she got home, she'd been walking with a walker for almost 2 weeks. Also, they had her taking an antibiotic right from the get-go to make sure she didn't get an infection from surgery. Now they told me yesterday when I went to get her teeth cleaned (2 months after the hip thing) that she can't get the teeth cleaned until she's on Amoxocillin for 4 days prior. Dr. says that they have to make sure, that if she gets any bacteria in her blood stream due to the teeth cleaning, it won't hurt her. For 2 years she has to do the antibiotic thing too. So when you said that your mom's doctors say to just have your mother 'sit' for such a long time, it's worrisome to me. My mother-in-law fell and broke her other hip 3 years ago, so this is NOT my first rodeo. And the one thing that every single doctor has drilled into my head, is that it's VERY important, that she gets up and walks RIGHT AWAY after surgery. That seems to be the key to getting her back on her feet, literally and figuratively. And I've got to say, she's a walking machine for her age. ha

Marie, my mother thought she was going to die too. She told me that old people die soon after breaking their hip.She told me it was "the beginning of the end". So, the xmas before last, when the family was gathered at her house, she raised her glass and thanked everyone for coming to her last xmas (met with eyeball rolling and groans from the whole family that she never even noticed - she was so wrapped up in her own drama - and we were so sick of it by then!). I've told this story in another thread. So, I can totally understand how your mother has given up. I think years ago, a broken hip just may have signaled the beginning of the end, but not anymore. For my mother, it was the confirmation that she was indeed an old lady, and that took the wind out of her sails (until she realized that she could use it to her advantage!) Sounds like you need to have a good talk with her doctor. Again, I'm wishing more luck to you! I'd hate to have to repeat that timeframe with my mother. Definitely the most difficult time in our relationship.

Marie, I woke up this morning with thoughts of you in my mind. I have no experience of broken hip and surgery related to it. But, my dad had a stroke last year, he's age 83. When he came home, all food had no taste. He wouldn't eat his favorite food. Anything sweet (including barbecued food) were very sweet to him. His taste buds were all messed up. I struggled for months trying to get him to eat normally. Most of the time, his plate was still mostly full. He was losing so much weight, that I worried the social workers who come weekly might report me for starving him. His stomach was sunk in and his ribs very visible. In frustration, I vented to my boss. She told me that when her father had his stroke, the same thing happened. All his favorite food - he refused to eat. She too had to find ways to make food taste good for him. When I had my 1st major surgery, I found most food to be so very salty. I refused to eat. My sister was getting frustrated with me. Maybe any major changes in our body (surgery, stroke, etc..) just messes our sense of tastes.

When dad came home from the hospital. He went on and on about dying except he was accusing us of trying to kill him. He absolutely refused to go the clinic for follow-up. Unfortunately, we were a bit aggressive to get him to go. (His insurance requires a follow-up visit with his regular doctor within a month of being released from the hospital. If he did not go, the insurance will Not cover any stroke-related medical cost.)

I would take everyone's advice about having your mother walk as soon as possible. But, Cat's advice is even more important at the moment. Maybe you should take your mom to the clinic/hospital for an after-surgery follow up visit. Write down all your concerns and questions. Maybe you can also bring up physical therapy?

Nancy, you story amazes me. Yes, what a different, the medical way of doing things between different countries. The reason that my mum is not allow to walk is that the doctors worried her hips will dis-allocate, that is why for the “no walking for 6 weeks” thingy ..... I too wish that she is up and walking and at nite, I pray and cried to God for that to happen ....

Judy, I think like you said, a broken hips marks the end for them, that is what these “old” generations are thinking, feel so sorry for them. Only the power of prayer can get me and my mum thru this.

Thanks Bookworm for thinking of me and for sharing your story, it’s such a relief that I found this forum with so many caring hearts that is “accompanying” me through this. My sister is coming on Tuesday so I will discuss with her what is best for mum. I want to share this responsibility, it’s such a heavy load for me to make all these decisions.

Again, thanks ALL for dropping by and giving me support and sharing your story. It’s good to know that I am not alone in this.

Marie-can your sister come today- not wait for Tuesday? Have you been able to get mom to accept fluids every day? So important. Surgery does interfere with smell and taste. Can someone help you get mom to hospital or clinic? In your original question, you asked for help and said you feel lost. Several people have suggested get with doctor or back to hospital, why not? Does mom have a fever? Is she taking antibiotics? Does she have sores on her back, or really have worms on her? I too am concerned. Are there any older neighbors or friends or family, besides sister she might take help from?

Hello KimBee ... I am very sorry for this late reply. Since my sister came, we have been very busy and finally our mum has been admitted even though we have to do it against her will. It's not an easy decision but we have to, to save her life.

Now we are waiting for the psychiatris to see her for her depression. Each time we try to feed her,she will say just let her die so this is surely a sign for depression.

We all hope for the best and pray for miracle .....

Hi Marie, I just joined this forum and yours was the first post I read. I am sorry for your situation. My father has been in and out of the hospital because he refuses to take care of himself. Unfortunately, he is also an alcoholic and hooked on Xanax. When he thinks he is getting low on his medicine, he turns into a tyrant, a horrible person. I have 5 brothers and sisters and 2 step-sisters, but only one sister and I are able to do anything with him. We had home healthcare set up for him, but he ran them off with his cursing and complaining and accused them of stealing his medicine. For as long as I can remember (I am 46 and he is 81), he has threatened to kill himself. We have decided that is his way of getting what he wants, and we are not going to put up with it any longer. Now when he says he might as well kill himself, we say okay. I was with him yesterday, and he started getting angry and cursing everyone, and I picked up my stuff and said bye, I'm leaving. Sometimes, children have to use tough love on a parent.

My dad does suffer from depression, he still recalls things from being in the Korean War, and he feels a lot of guilt over decisions he has made in his life, but he has to learn that he cannot keep abusing the people trying to take care of him. We are also at the point of telling him if he doesn't start taking care of himself, we will have him committed against his will. It is sad, but it is the only way sometimes. Please don't feel guilty about the decisions you have to make. The thing I pray for most is wisdom to know what to do.

Marie, I had hoped u were busy getting mom in hospital. Glad she is there and getting eval. Try to get a little rest while she is there. Or in your area, do u have to stay with the patient the whole time? If you can get a little break, I know you need it. Med's for depression can be very helpful. Let us know what is going on. Glad to here from you, and thanks for that hug! Kim

waiting4change, thanks for sharing your story, yes, this is called tough love but we do it for their own good as they are unable to make decisions for themselves at this stage.

waiting, what you said here is so true, we must pray for wisdom on what to do, that is why me and my sis prayed and ask for guidance and this is what we have decided to do.

Hope you are doing well too and welcome to the forum, hey ... I am new too !! ;-))

Hello Kimbee, glad to see you so soon !! ^ __ ^

Now that my sis is here, she stay with our mum at nite, day time by me. But things will get tough when my sis goes back to her town this Sunday. I might need someone to take care of my mum but the caretaker here can cost a bomb - $70 per day ;-(( Am not sure how long my mum will be staying, if not more than one week than it should be ok, if not, then I have to see what I can do, I don't want my mum to be in the hospital all alone. ;-((

Marie, how r u doing, have not heard from you in a while.

Agree with cattails! 80 ml of water is not very much either, not after two days of not drinking. That is under three ounces and you need more like a liter or two a day. Does she have any urine output to speak of? Tell her, YES it matters. SHE matters. To you even if not to herself at the moment. Depression may be treatable even if there does seem to be a lot to be depressed about.

Hello Kimbee,

Am trying to get used to the routine now that my mum is still in the hospital. Her appetite has increased for these pass two days. She is now eating what she used to eat before, small portion but frequent meals. I am so thankful for my prayers answered.

Her water intake has also increased and she even craved for coffee !!

I am not sure where this will lead us, just live it one day at a time .....

Vstefans, thanks for dropping by, I hope my mum gets better too esp from her depression, am praying about that too ......

Dear Marie, My mom shattered her hip in a car wreck yrs ago and had to have several surgeries. It came down to a point that they had to put a feeding tube in her. See if you can talk to the doctors about that possibility. My mom has now been gone for 6 yrs and now I am taking care of my dad. I just recently had to retrieve him from his home and move him in with me. He is bed ridden and has mood swings. I am also scared to death and very emotional at times, unsure and sometimes sad at what my children are having to give up because I can't leave the house and go with them somewhere. It is gut wrenching, but hopefully it will get easier with time.

Hi Amanda, yes, it's very emotional and talking about emotional, my mum said something very hurtful to me today. I know I shouldn't take it personally but I can't help it .... Perhaps me and her need some times apart, I will reduce my time with her (I used to sleep in the hosp to company her too but tonite I will sleep on my own bed)

Just try your best Amanda, as long as you do it sincerely from your heart, God will know and you will know too ......

Fortunately my dad does not say hurtful things to me. It is just hard listening to him talk as if someone else has been here. My sister is going to visit in a couple of weeks to let me get out for a day. I am counting down the days. It is also hard to deny him things he wants because they are really bad for him and to hear him say please, please, is really hard to deal with.

Good that your sis is coming, you need that break, we all do ........

Yes, of course it breaks our heart when they beg for something, like my mum now, she begs to go home but her condition doesn't permits her to do so yet.

This is the point where we have to be a little bit tough for their own good .....

It seems as though his mind is getting worse and worse every day. He was not this way before I took him from his home and I am trying to figure out why his mind is deteriorating so fast. I had to remove him from his home because my brother was neglecting him so bad. When I got to his house my brother had the air conditioner off and the doublewide was soo hot my dad was laying in bed panting, naked, and couldnt breath because he was soo dehydrated. He was also reaching for nothing in the air and he was mumbling. After I got him up here and in a hospital it seemed like he was getting his mind back. But day by day he started talking of things in the past. Now he is seeing things that are not there and talking about things I do not understand. What is scaring me is how fast it has progressed. I have an appointment for him on the 11th. Hopefully the doctor can explain things to me.

Hi Amanda, from my experience with my mother, things starts to deteriorate since she is bedridden too. When a person is bedridden, a lot of complication happens. What more with her old age, it doesn't help.

For now you can only wait for the doctor to explain to you what is happening with your dad so in the mean time just do your best for him.