New Posters! Read this.

GardenArtist explained the"sock-puppets" further back in this thread.

Wait for it....

Some will be showing up soon, offended by anything I say that they will have something to say.....

Sock-puppets!

And trolls.

"AlvaDeer,"

I have noticed exactly what you are talking about.

And as for Social Media - that's why I'm not on anything other than this forum and that is as far as it's going to go - it's more than enough for me!

I sometimes thing a lot of our questions come from "not real" posters. Have you noticed how many come in with a question in the title line. Nothing further. Brand new. No profile filled in. Do not respond and never come back? To me that is highly suspicious. Now who would do this I can't imagine? Someone wanting more questions than are really showing up? Someone with multiple emails? I honestly just can't imagine. But Social media is so odd in general, who could know.

"GardenArtist" - I'm just glad I'm not the only one who finds it confusing/time consuming.

"cwillie," - I've wondered if that was the reason they do it i.e. they don't like the answers so they try again hoping different people will post something they do like. Also, the fact they aren't willing/able to make the necessary changes or maybe it's even just wanting to be told they're right or looking for sympathy.

As I mentioned, I know that even if the OP comes back to their original thread and adds some info., it would still be problematic just like you said and for the reasons you stated. Since I'm not on other forums and don't know how they handle things, I agree with how you think AgingCare could highlight the OP's posts like they do on other forums!

I wish people would take the time to fill in their profiles because that can save a lot of miscommunication in trying tailor advice their circumstances.

As for the multiple similar threads - Sometimes people don't like the answers they get so they try again a few days or weeks later. And sometimes they aren't willing/able to make changes so the just keep coming back with the same issues. Very often new information posted to a continuing thread is never seen by the people answering because they can't be bothered reading previous posts or the OP has posted them as a reply to an individual so it's harder to find - IMO that could be helped if AgingCare would highlight posts by the OP the way some other forums do.

NobodyGetsIt, there are occasions when someone repeatedly starts new threads to ask the same question, or asks a new question and posts twice.     JoAnn29 is great at ferreting out these duplicative threads.   

But it can also be confusing, and wastes time while someone searches to find out if a very familiar thread has already been posted by that person.

There's another option, and that's for people who post often on a similar topic to use a database (in Excel) to keep track of their threads.    I finally started doing that b/c there were often threads to which  I wanted to refer to and searching was too time consuming.

I didn't really know where else to post this but as I went to post an answer to an OP's question, I looked at their screenname and was pretty positive I had just recently answered them. I did a quick search and found the other two separate threads fairly close together with at least one of them basically having the same question and in which I had answered at the time it was posted. I've noticed it happening a little more often and find it somewhat confusing trying to go back and forth and in some ways starting over trying to gather information from multiple threads.

I like how I think one new poster handled it - they asked their original question, read their responses and then came back to the same thread and gave more information a couple times. I know it still requires commenters to go back but, at least it's on the same page.

I don't know if there's any solution to it, I'm just saying that it makes things a little more difficult to keep it all straight especially if we have limited time to work with.

Never hesitate to speak to a therapist. There is no shame in being confused in a complicated scenario.

We need to recognize that we are too close to a situation to judge rationally. We need an objective opinion to help guide us.

We all need help in getting over a hump sometimes. Therapy saved me from going further downhill.

Never, ever, EVER co-mingle your money or buy or rent property with someone who has dementia.

There are many sad tales on here of folks who thought they were doing the right thing by buying a house with an elderly parent in early dementia, or rented a place with a parent, only to have that parent decide that they are being taken advantage of, leaving and leaving the adult child holding the bag (and the lease/mortgage).

In life, do not assume that your parent is going to take care of you in middle age, or that there will be any inheritance after their care needs are taken care of.

Whoops, sorry. Thought this was a brand new post. So gave my favorite advice thing about guilt VS grief.
Now see it is an older post that I missed and just had a new comment on it.
As it's four packed pages I bet guilt/grief were already addressed. I Guess it bears saying twice; I feel so bad when good people feel inadequate when in reality they are grieving all the things they and their elders suffer.

Try to substitute the word "grief" for "guilt".
Guilt belongs to felons who do malice aforethought, willingly and with glee, then expect forgiveness because suddenly they are struck with guilt. Guilt infers that you can change something but you choose not to do so.
Grief is recognizing you cannot fix everything. You are not omnipotent. You are not god. You are a human being with human limitations and the fact that you cannot possibly do everything to make aging and dementia without pain is real. It is worth grieving.
On a recent hour on NPR the subject of grief was discussed and it was said that guilt is often used to prevent our working through grief because we recognize that there is no answer in grief. That it must be felt and worked through.

I am going to say this again, because I think it's important.

I'd like to think that this is a supportive site. If you are bullied, or if you get abusive messages, please scroll to the bottom of the page to the "contact" email and report what has happened.

There should be ZERO tolerance for abuse here.

https://www.agingcare.com/aboutus

Great thread, Barb!

To new posters:

Follow your gut. Don’t be afraid to disregard poor advice. There isn’t a one size fits all answer to everyone’s inquiries.

Everyone has individual circumstances. Some choose to care for their loved ones at home. Some choose facilities. Neither is right or wrong. You should decide according to what works for you.

Don’t feel like everything is written in stone. Your decisions may change later on, because your circumstances or outlook has changed.

Question things if you want a valid explanation. People that are genuine will not get upset if they are asked to explain.

Be very cautious with anyone giving advice that harshly criticizes your views. You deserve to be shown respect even if you disagree with them.

Most of all you deserve to be supported by everyone on this forum. Caregiving is one of the toughest jobs in the world!

I've been guilty occasionally of posting a book. My bad!

But, I have on occasion taken the time to read a longer post and have been glad I did cause it was interesting and I gained something from reading it. Sometimes all I gained was a headache...............but sometimes it has been worth it.

A belated thanks, disgustedtoo, after reading your comment about editing YouTube comments. I'll have to try this.

NobodyGetsIt: I don't believe that you are.

Not every long post is a struggle, it's mostly the ones that don't put in any paragraph breaks while rambling on about several seemingly unrelated things at once that do me in - with some people I'm sure that half their problems are related to the fact they are poor communicators.

"Bridger46164" and "Llamalover47," -

I'm guilty of that - so sorry and I will keep that it mind!

Bridger: Agreed.

Posters - keep posts short and to the point. Writing a book for a comment is not always necessary. You may lose people when you write lengthy posts.

In my previous post I used the word "debt" when I meant "GUILT"
Hopefully debt is not a factor for family. (I recognize too that some family relationships, many spoken of here, plagued by lingering rage, are too dysfunctional to even produce guilt feelings. Very sad.)

Excellent advice about not "promising" a parent to keep them out of a nursing home. I've known several senior citizens who beg their children to make such a promise (and, knowing what I know about some nursing homes, I can understand why). Sometimes the children end up truly unable to keep this promise and carry an unbearable burden of debt because of their "broken" promise. The answer suggested above is a good one.
The fear of ABANDONMENT is the real core of this issue. At 80 yrs. old and still living independently, I know this fear all too well. The day may come when I am less than agreeable, less than enjoyable to be around, less attentive to my previous standards of personal hygiene. If this happens, please understand that I don't really like being this way. I just don't feel good most of the time.
But don't feel guilty if you must place me in the care of others! Look for the cleanest, kindest setting you can find. But most important, don't desert me. Let me know that even if I'm not at my previous best, maybe not even near it, you still care.

I'd like to think that this is a supportive site. If you are bullied, or if you get abusive messages, please scroll to the bottom of the page to the "contact" email and report what has happened.

There should be ZERO tolerance for abuse here.

https://www.agingcare.com/aboutus

To all new posters. You have the right to say no to a LO. You can say no and NOT feel guilty! It took me YEARS to figure this one out. I had to tell my mother NO we are not taking you out to dinner for your 96 year old birthday which is in 2 weeks.My son and I told her we would bring food and a cake to her and do a zoom call with my other son, my brother, my niece , etc. I don’t even go to a restaurant unless it’s for takeout. Her reply? “I’ll go out by myself.” I don’t feel guilty and I’m finally not giving in to her. If she’s home, she’s home. If she’s not, she’s not. I’m not wasting these next 2 weeks fretting over it.

Remember to say NO and don’t feel guilty!

If you get inveigled into on-site caregiving, giving up your job, derailing your life in order to be a caregiver to your parent, you should be paid by your parent (and there needs to be a legal caregiving contract in place) and you need to have adequate back up and respite.

Don't get into a situation where you are the full time caregiver and need to beg your sibling who has POA for approval for payment, respite or reimbursement for supplies.

Understand Medicaid regs BEFORE you jump into caring for your parent and don't be enticed by "oh, you'll get the house".

Dexpending upon your location, your local Area Agency on Aging may be a real gold mine of resources. You can find them on your County or City's website.

As an example, mine offers case management services, "needs assessments", knows where the local Adult Day Cares are and maintains contacts with the local facilities like ALs and NHs.

Certainly, they are the place to start!

Reading some posts this morning reminds me of a pet peeve that I have. There are some that write very long posts without separating paragraphs or using a space between them. Some do not use any punctuation. These posts I will often skip completely because they are too hard to read.

Even phones have the ability to add a blank line between paragraphs. Please use punctuation and paragraphs and your posts will be read by more people.

Another pet peeve is those that use all caps when trying to get a point across. There is no need to yell unless just a few words. People listen and understand easier when they are not being yelled at.

jacobsonbob says:

"However, this is GREATLY appreciated, as websites such as Yahoo and YouTube don't enable any editing after a comment has been posted."

I can't speak for Yahoo as I don't have a current account with them AND recently they have turned off comments. Although it was sometimes good to read some posts, not so much others, I can see why they have done it. Too many of the posts were just nasty and really did not lend to the discussion. Anyway, I don't know if their comments had the ability to be edited, BUT I can say that YouTube does allow edits. I have edited my comments multiple times, to add more, to make corrections, whatever. Just now I went back to one comment posted 3 weeks ago and the edit capability was still functional (I added another ! and SAVE became available so I clicked that - your username line will then show (edited).)

How it works (there is a delete option as well - haven't checked that out here, but maybe if you edit and delete everything?):

To the right of your YouTube comment there are 3 dots, stacked up/down, like the Google dots on the upper right of the browser that opens the menu (go figure, Google owns YouTube!!!) If you left-click the dots, the Edit and Delete options are presented. Select Edit, make changes, SAVE is activated and then you save or cancel!

I have at times come back to posts here later and have been able to still edit. Just today I posted and came back MUCH later - the edit "button" was still there, so I fixed a grammar booboo I missed earlier... The edit capability on that comment is gone now, but I'm fairly certain it was much longer that 30 minutes later when I made the edit.

But, mainly I responded so you and others know how to edit and/or delete YouTube comments!

I am feeling kindred spirits here and it’s comforting. 84 yr old mother moved in in May. Hubby and I said yes due to covid. She was being released from the hospital, survived covid and didn’t want to rehab in a nursing home nor did she want to return home. I was under the impression it was temporary. I moved her out of her elderly housing, suggested a storage facility and she said no. 2 months go by - I asked her if it was her intention to live with me till the day she dies with me being her sole caretaker and she said yes. That was in July. She came in saying I won’t be any work, just do your thing, don’t worry about me, live your life, I can take care of myself...none of that was true..now I’m looking for on-line counseling. We have had a few arguments. She’s paying me monthly and I made it clear to her that I didn’t want her money. I see it as a way she washes away and justifies her actions. I even leave her uncashed check where she sees it, uncashed. I told her it would be considered income that I’ll have to pay taxes on. Or, money that will be counted in a 5 year look back if she goes into a nursing home. The list of stuff I have had to deal with is long but this site is showing me I’m not the only one with these issues. I told her she needs to return to elderly housing or move her tenant out of her condo and live in it. I had no intention to being a full time care giver. I have fibromyalgia and hubby is not in the best situation. I was in the process of downsizing and now can’t afford to accommodate her. So my retirement life with my husband is on hold. I prayed when she was so sick with covid that God give me another chance to have a relationship with my mother. I can’t make it happen. She charged in here with her commands and demands.....get me, give me lack of please. So, ok, before I work myself up into a state of vomiting. I am looking for a counselor, on line. I need guidance on talking with her. Don’t want to get angry again but don’t want to feel used and abused. I am the only daughter with a dead beat brother who can’t even care for himself. But she has the means to take care of herself. My father set her up quite nicely for this. She just wants to be cared for and sit in my chair and read. I stopped fixing her breakfast and lunch as she regained strength. This week I didn’t do her laundry, showed her how my machine works. I also have a suspicion she’s hiding something financially from me. We were joking I could raise her rent as high as the elderly housing is and she said I can’t do that because then I won’t have the money to save...she stopped and looked at me put her hand over her mouth and walked away. Am I being used for someone else’s financial gain? I immediately deposited the checks and am holding the funds. I want answers. Big sigh. Counseling

I (67yrs old) was BORN to care for my mom (92yrs old). Because if it weren't for her? I ain't born.