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To anyone who is new and posting here:


We are a group of non-professional former and current caregivers.


AgingCare friends: let's tell new posters what they need to know upfront.


I'll start.


1. Don't promise your parent that you will never put them in a nursing home or other facility. Instead, say "I will never abandon you; if you need more care than I can provide, I will see that you get it. "

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I reported the thread hours ago...nothing. Ole girl comments a million times a day, why not now?
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I'm a religious person myself. But my practice and views are for me. Others have a different path, and that's fine. We can still all respect each other.

When advising others, we should realize there are many ways. They want to know what options are available, and we tell them. They don't have to do things exactly. We are just opening up ideas, to give them a way forward, and hope and support.
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NobodyGetsIt: I agree with you! I think it's rude when an OP gets a TON of helpful comments from us & never comes back to say a single word!

What I wanted to comment on is your statement about, "It's kind of like those who hold up "I need help" signs on a street corner. Probably 95% don't really but, there's always those other 5% that do - how do you truly distinguish which is which?"

I used to chat with this guy online years ago after I got divorced, in 2001 I think. He had a job, a nice apartment, all the comforts of life..........but he'd go BEGGING on the street corners to make money & he made A LOT of it that way! After the evening was over, all of the 'beggars' would meet up at a local Denny's to COMPARE NOTES and count their 'earnings'!!!! Whoever got the most $$$$ that night bought the meals for everyone! What a racket, huh?

The way I determine if a person holding up a sign asking for help REALLY needs help is..............if he has a grocery cart with him filled with all of his belongings. THEN I feel he's truly homeless and in need of $$. Otherwise, if he's wearing Adidas sneakers and has a cup of Starbucks next to them, he's like my online friend...........a petty thief.
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Alva,

I agree that it is laughable and only a small amount of people. You can’t take it very seriously.

Many more people are helpful.
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I so agree with GardenArtist. This is a part of our current Social Media, and it could also be that a certain boredom with lockdown figures into it. People are more often unhappy and frustrated; it's really the only answer to some of the accusations and name-calling we occasionally see. When you think of the numbers of questions and comments, it's relatively rare.
Basically, I think the best way to handle it is to respond civilly, let them know you will report the inappropriate comment and ask it be removed.
THEN make lemonade of lemons. A sense of humor is likely the best tool to get us through life's vagaries, large and small.
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Unfortunately, criticism, sometimes at its most cruel and offensive level, has become more a part of today's society at many levels.
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Cali,

I wholeheartedly agree with everything that you just expressed.

Who doesn’t hate bickering? You used the correct word.

No one should object to a different point of view or a healthy debate. We are able to learn from these conversations.

I find it ridiculous to have regular posters on the forum that believe that they are the resident geniuses and experts. It’s disturbing for anyone to see this, let alone a new poster. I left as a poster myself due to certain shenanigans. I came back due to the wonderful posters.

It’s the online forum in general that creates this environment.

It’s nice to have a place to ask questions, vent or have discussions.

Some feel it is a place to say things to others that they wouldn’t have the nerve to say to someone’s face.

I don’t have Facebook but I know the same thing happens on any online forum.
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Some OPs don’t return because they don’t like the responses they get. Or sometimes when the post generates a lot of responses which including bickering along responders, the OPs probably get overwhelmed and abandon ship. There are also some who don’t know how to find their post after they’ve posted it.
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NGE,

Sometimes people continue it because they find the topic interesting or feel it could be of interest to other readers who are in the same situation.
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"AlvaDeer" and "GladI'mHere," since I still consider myself to be learning about being on a forum, I find it rude when an OP never comes back and say's anything. Why? Because I think a lot of the people (not all) probably are still caregivers taking time out of their day/situation to try and help someone who has questions. I wouldn't expect them to answer each and every person individually but, there are some who do which is admirable.

A couple of instances months ago, everyone was responding trying to offer suggestions and "poof" the OP disappeared from the thread only for me to see they had started one or two others and were now just focused on those. It looks like they've disappeared altogether.

I finally am learning when to give up. Sometimes it's hard. It's kind of like those who hold up "I need help" signs on a street corner. Probably 95% don't really but, there's always those other 5% that do - how do you truly distinguish which is which?
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GladI'mHere, what a great observation. I think we have often seen exactly what you observed. If the OP doesn't show back up it often makes me wonder. I mean, on a slow day is there someone out there who makes up these new names that never return, with questions that get responses and are not addressed again by the OP? It just seems odd that a question would be posted, get--say--12 responses, and the OP wouldn't return to say SOMETHING. Like "tried that" or "thanks for responses". And yes, we often see "right-fights" then. I am taking your advice as my words of wisdom for the day; something I myself could use thinking on.
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I have decided that for me if the OP does not return with updates after one page of comments I will not comment further. When an OP does not return with input then others here start competing with their solutions and each one has to be right.
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Lol, I guess saying someone is good just works people up. Sorry Alva, I never said a bad thing about you. People read what they want to cause problems. Again, apologizes for any misunderstandings to you. Oh, and what about honoring parents did I miss? Im confused now.
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I am so confused. Was told my name just came up as involves parents?
(or was it biblical scripture? Bill Murray? Newbies?--I don't even like that word, newbies).
Did I say something evil about parents? I hope not; mine were spectacularly wonderful.
Yup, I am an atheist. My atheism isn't a choice I made; I was born not believing and just haven't happened to believe in my 78 years.
As to honoring parents, I believe that our parents deserve our love and respect to the degree they sheltered and nurtured and loved us to the best of their ability. It is our parents choice to have us and we come to them completely helpless and needy, dependent on them for our every need. The manner in which those needs are met, or attempted to be met, often equals the manner in which they are honored by us when we have grown in my experience.
If I said something mean I hope whomever I said it to will let me know; I am always happy to talk (as we ALL know).
and PS: I have utterly no idea what's happening at this point, but reading down it looks like AgingCare DOES, and I trust them implicitly. Why don't we let them iron it out without using names that can cause further division.
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Barb,

Great point about the fourth commandment!

There is also a scripture that says for a parent not to provoke a child.

Where is Smeshque? LOL
Sorry, I can’t say exactly what book of the Bible it’s in. Smeshque is fantastic at quoting scripture. I should have looked it up before posting.

Anyway, it’s an important scripture that made an impression on me and it certainly isn’t brought up as often as the fourth commandment.
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I think people misunderstand the Biblical commandment to "honor" a parent.

By my reading, it means not to dishonor or embarass that parent in the public square.

It does NOT mean that you need that you need to give up your livelihood to care for that parent.
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Hailey and Bridger, I was listening to the Gorillaz earlier, they have this song "Bill Murray." I honestly have no idea why people love Bill Murray besides Zombieland, I cannot stand the guy. Have never seen an SNL with him or even Ghostbusters. He was in a movie called Groundhogs Day which I have seen about half of so I do not know how it ends but I know situations just repeat themselves and you learn.

My advice would be not to get discouraged and ignore. Hell, from the get go, my BFF called me a troll.

Everyones view and perspective is important so do not feel bad. There are good people here.
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In response to the question regarding why posts have been removed, a message was sent to the user, in essence stating that warning new members against using the AgingCare forum is not productive to other caregivers. Those who are no longer finding support here should not return to disrupt continued use. Posts that are created with the sole intent of being disruptive or divisive will be removed. In our opinion, that is not the original intent of BarbBrooklyn's thread, nor helpful to caregivers in need of support.
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??? Bridger

IMO there's no rhyme or reason to what the admins allow or disallow, some stuff I've found very offensive has been left while many report that innocuous comments have been removed.
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Why have some comments made on this thread earlier this morning been removed?? They called no one by name and were simply observations by newer posters. Maybe we really aren’t wanted.
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I do understand what you are trying to say but, I'm not sure in what aspect i.e. is it because you think that as a "care"(giving) forum people would/should behave in a more of a "coming together" and caring way? Look at it like this - in our own daily lives interacting with people in person whether it be at work, school, the store and yes, even at church - this happens all the time and has happened since the beginning of time. That being said, how much more so would it happen with all kinds of people who are from all over the country communicating anonymously on a forum? I'm not saying it's right, just that it is.

You've probably have been on the forum longer than I have. What I've noticed is that for a long time I saw basically the others who've been on the forum for a long time too posting and now I've seen quite a few new people join or else I've added a couple new categories on my profile page which is exposing posters I've never heard of before. Sometimes I think it's an adjustment for some to accept that their are new ones who are having input. It's no different than being the new kid on the block, new kid at school and so on.

You are right in your statement everyone has the same right to post on this forum as it belongs to "AgingCare" and no one else can stake a claim to it. It doesn't just happen to you. I've read enough comments from people who have posted a question (something I've never done) only to see some of their responses to a person who has given advice feel taken aback by what was said and some who have left the forum altogether etc.

There have been many times I would liked to have "joined in" on a discussion thread but, sense I would not be welcome as it's between others who go back and forth between themselves. I also know what it feels like to have followed a person's story with genuine concern, may have even sent them an occasional PM asking how things are going only to be completely ignored. I've even seen something else that's kind of funny (funny ha, ha - not funny, strange) but, I'm not going to go there.

So with all of that being said, I've learned to just move on and go about my day - because I do have a real life which does involve caregiving and honestly don't have time to worry about the "why's" from complete strangers.

I'm sorry that this is still a "sticking" point for you and hope you can just keep doing what you want to do in regards to the forum!
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Hello:
Thank you for checking in with me as you are very nice folks. I'm now working nights in a temp job. Once done with this job, I'm back to seeking new work, so that's why my posts are turned off until further notice.

Patathome01
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If you have the setting to receive notifications of answers turned off, you may not easily find your post.

That is what my 2nd paragraph is referring to. That specifically and other settings that change your experience with what you get, how you get it and stuff that I don't understand but, I know when I change settings I am sometimes lost on finding information.

U r welcome.
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"Isthisrealyreal,"

Thank you, that point I would not have thought of - them posting a couple times because they can't find the original post.

I'm not sure if I'm understanding your second paragraph right or not.

I have seen when AC moves some questions to discussions on many occasions so I understand that.

And I've also seen many, many times what you said about some answers are more helpful to others than the OP.

Thanks for the explanations!
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Nnobodygetsit, I think that sometimes newbies post the same question a couple of times because they can't find the original.

Depending on the settings you have on or off, how long it's been since someone posted, etc. The thread can be a bit buried.

Then AC will arbitrarily change questions to discussions and that creates confusion.

I have been here for a couple of years and it is cyclical of drive by posters. Fortunately the answers are mostly helpful to others, so no harm done.
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GardenArtist explained the"sock-puppets" further back in this thread.

Wait for it....

Some will be showing up soon, offended by anything I say that they will have something to say.....

Sock-puppets!

And trolls.
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"AlvaDeer,"

I have noticed exactly what you are talking about.

And as for Social Media - that's why I'm not on anything other than this forum and that is as far as it's going to go - it's more than enough for me!
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I sometimes thing a lot of our questions come from "not real" posters. Have you noticed how many come in with a question in the title line. Nothing further. Brand new. No profile filled in. Do not respond and never come back? To me that is highly suspicious. Now who would do this I can't imagine? Someone wanting more questions than are really showing up? Someone with multiple emails? I honestly just can't imagine. But Social media is so odd in general, who could know.
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"GardenArtist" - I'm just glad I'm not the only one who finds it confusing/time consuming.

"cwillie," - I've wondered if that was the reason they do it i.e. they don't like the answers so they try again hoping different people will post something they do like. Also, the fact they aren't willing/able to make the necessary changes or maybe it's even just wanting to be told they're right or looking for sympathy.

As I mentioned, I know that even if the OP comes back to their original thread and adds some info., it would still be problematic just like you said and for the reasons you stated. Since I'm not on other forums and don't know how they handle things, I agree with how you think AgingCare could highlight the OP's posts like they do on other forums!
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I wish people would take the time to fill in their profiles because that can save a lot of miscommunication in trying tailor advice their circumstances.

As for the multiple similar threads - Sometimes people don't like the answers they get so they try again a few days or weeks later. And sometimes they aren't willing/able to make changes so the just keep coming back with the same issues. Very often new information posted to a continuing thread is never seen by the people answering because they can't be bothered reading previous posts or the OP has posted them as a reply to an individual so it's harder to find - IMO that could be helped if AgingCare would highlight posts by the OP the way some other forums do.
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