Hi everyone, I don't really have another outlet regarding this and it's becoming so hard to deal with this. My father is 77 and was diagnosed with dementia late last year. Currently, he lives with my mother who is 65. Neither one works so they pretty much are home all day and my mom is scared to leave him alone for fear of what may happen. He's gotten to the point of urinating on himself and just letting it sit there, even going out like that but simply covering the stain with a coat. He's not showering either now. He's pretty much not aware of really anything that happens in the house... if the smoke alarm goes off, he just sits there... It's very stressful for my mother because she pretty much has to deal with this all on her own. He currently is receiving SS checks but ends up just gambling it away or buying beer, though he doesn't get intoxicated or anything. My sister and mother are going on Fri to begin the paperwork so my mom can become the responsible payee because its gotten to the point where he spends all his money on that stuff and then asks friends and even strangers AND even his grandchildren for money.

Personally, and I feel horrible for feeling this way but I'm kinda thankful I'm not living there right now. I also feel horrible cause I don't go visit often because I'm worried about how the house is gonna smell cause of the urine issue and I just can't stand to see him like that.

I know people say to always think about the good memories and spend time with them before they pass, but its hard for me to get past the good memories like playing catch in the park with him and flying to TX to see our Cowboys play. It's hard for me to accept that we won't ever be able to do those things again and going there and seeing him like this is hard for me to deal with.

I really don't have a question here, just wanted to talk.


This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
The more you put off seeing them the worse you will feel. If you live nearby your mother needs your help.

Living with dementia FTD specific since 2006.

My wife at age 53

Diagnosis of FTD was not until 2015.

Christy's affliction was unknown for 9 years

FTD was identified only by chance that a social worker's husband had died from it and she recognized the symptoms.
The screaming, whimpering, growling, attacks, alien arm (disassociated limb),
whiteout (white matter disease) thigh slapping, shadowing, were familiar.

Perhaps your loved one has FTD, or similar dementia.


FTD cannot be treated or controlled by Alzheimer's meds or behavioral meds/therapy.

It is what it is, described as 'hellish' until death.

Alzheimer's meds are adverse for FTD.

Alzheimer's meds bent my wife over and did not help aggression

Google FTD symtoms and medications.

Cannabis edibles make every day a joy.

There is no Rx for FTD seizures
Cannabis inhales halt seizures immediately.

There is no violence, no aggression. There is increased awareness.

and no drug stupor.

Christy has little cognition and cannot communicate, but she is physically healthy as 12 years ago.

She is also happy 'in there' and can be a hoot.

We are thankful for the herb.

I hear you. My mother hasn't been diagnosed with dementia but I notice memory changes and it's difficult for me to deal with this "new" normal.

In my opinion only,
Both your parents require help.
You can arrange for help, not having to go there yourself.

There are a lot of challenges in living with Dementia. Taking care of an older loved one with dementia is not easy can can be very tough. It is not easy to understand their needs. This condition affects one’s cognitive activities, which in term impacts the day-to-day lives of those who have dementia.

With a lot of challenges with people living with dementia, it is possible for aging adults who are dealing with this condition to have the best possible care and help. With the right kind of support and genuine care, life can become less stressful and much more enjoyable.

You should look for a professional home care services which can take care of every need of your father and with the time you can spend more time with your father.

Best of luck

The Vicks trick is helpful. A smear under your nose!

Seems like your Dads decline is very quick. Does Mom have him use Depends?

Mom can file for Medicaid as a Community Spouse. She will not be impoverished. May even do better if Dad is spending his SS check. Basically, there is more to it, the assets wil, be split between them. His half will have to be spent down. Wouldn't hurt to make an appointment and sit down with Medicaid.

I do see where you are coming from. I cannot stand "smells" but you have to think about Mom. She needs you more now. You can take a lot off her shoulders by helping with cleaning, shopping with her and watching Dad while she gets some time away.

I understand the "I can't see him this way" thing. I heard this from my 2 brothers when Moms decline started back in 2014. But I had to see it everyday for 3 years.

Yes it’s so hard to accept that the fun and activites you’ve shared in the past won’t be possible again. It’s Very sad. We dont know your family dynamics, but the thing is, you do still have the opportunity to be a blessing to your Mom. You can help her in so many ways emotionally and physically, and you still can create meaningful times with her. Things that she’ll be able to look back on and say how helpful or kind you were during this struggle. They say that 40% of caregivers die before their loved one due to the hard work and stress...what can you do to help her? They’re living with your brother...if it’s hard to actually visit, could you ask what else you could do to support them? Moral support at the doctor? Grocery shop? Help out a little financially so they can get a caregiver in for a few hours a day, or a housecleaner? Be supportive of your sister and help her investigate care facilities? Help with paperwork? There’s a lot you can do without actually being in the house if it’s upsetting to you. I don’t know about you, but I always feel better if I’m doing “something” about Moms care...sometimes it feels like I’m rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, but if I go in to her NH each day with a goal of accomplishing something for her benefit, I feel more in control of an incontrollable situation. Just a thought.

It is not clear to me how he has continuing access to alcohol. I do believe he should be placed and it would most likely be MC. I am sorry you are having to deal with this given their ages. The whole urinating and not ever showering is very troublesome.

What are the feelings and opinions of everyone about sending Dad to a facility? If the house is a stinky mess because Dad is peeing everywhere, ignoring it won’t make it go away. Mom needs help. I know how hard it can be to be all alone when you’re caring for someone 24/7/365. She needs your help. Steel yourself to go over to their house and help do what needs to be done. Then, if needed, help her apply for Medicaid and get Dad to a facility. Mom deserves better than the way her life is now.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter