Not only did I lose my son, I never got the chance to know him.


I lost my son Sept 15, 2002. I know that sounds like a long time ago. But it still feels like yesterday. My problem is I lost him when his Dad and I divorced in 1975 when he was just 2 1/2. I was young and didn't have a good paying job and had two other children to care for. My husband at the time made good money and told me if I didn't give him custody, he would take Sterling away and I'd never see him again... so I let him have custody... assuming I'd see him often... that often turned out to be maybe once a year as he moved out of state... I didn't have the money to go visit him and because I was trusting and didn't sign a legal doc. forcing his Dad to bring him back home once a month, I seldom saw him. so I didn't get a chance to really know my son. We wrote letters back and forth, and he was going to come out to Colorado and spend a couple weeks with me so we could really get to know each other. Then two weeks before that was to take place, he was killed. He was in the backroom of a convenient store in Tulsa, Ok. when he and one of the owners heard a gun shot. My son tried to subdue the shooter and was himself shot and killed... I felt so cheated. Not only did I lose him, I never got the chance to know him... I still think of him as a little boy because when you only see them maybe 2 dozen times over their life time, they just don't grow up in your eyes... I do okay for awhile, then it just seem to take over my life again... I missed so much... and have no way of gaining it back... then 2 years later, my daughters husband was killed. I've tried to be very supportive to her, and deal with my own loss on the side... It has really been hard... My sons father died 2 years ago, and his wife has been giving me things of my sons along. Yesterday I recieved a large box of his albums, a western belt, pictures, and every letter I ever wrote to my son. Needless to say, I'm totally a mess again... Can anyone give me any advice?

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There is a book we studied about when I went back to college when I was an adult it is by I think by Catherine Kuber Ross I am not sure of the first name but pretty and he had a health sure of the last part. I think from my own experience everyone responds differently no one saw me cry but I did when alone. And in my case my husband was so sick when I first got to the hospital soon after he arrived I was asked to sign a DNR and he had a health care proxy that was suppose to be with him when he left the nursing home if he had been a DNR he would not have been taken to the hospital in the first place I said no he had been having fainting spells and had recovered from them 4 or5 times during his time in rehab and I said I had not even had time to call our adult children and I was named by him in the health care proxy which in our state is a legal document- two days later we did take him off lifesupport meds that were keeping him alive and I the kids and our granddaughter were there and 12 hrs after stopping the meds he died--we had had a troubled relationship but I had always been there for him. I do not believe there are steps because some days I am ok and then there are days I feel very wheepy and he did have a very peaceful end of life and was not in pain and he had suffered greatly for years and years. There are grief groups that you can go to that would probably help you and that book could be helpeful they should be able to find it for you in the library-she was very famous.

Dear hurting mommy, I am sorry to hear about your grief. I wish there were words to heal and comfort you. I can't imagine all you are experiencing. What a nice gift of her to send you some of your son's personal belongings. She must have meant that to be a blessing to you, knowing they would be precious to you. Perhaps she didn't know how it would open your mourning afresh. I pray you find comfort in her simple gesture, and find healing for the pain. Sounds like you've been through so much. Sorry for your losses. Sending you hugs.