I'm becoming increasingly concerned about some additional issues at the ALF. After Dad's unfortunate stroke incident, I did some digging. Dad told me that he told the ALF staff several times that his arm "felt funny" Sunday night, but they told him to go back to his room.

When I went by the ALF last night to pick up some belongings to take back to the hospital for Dad, I asked them if Dad mentioned not feeling well last night (Dad described the employees perfectly). They both said Dad slept through the night.

I had a computer guy at work hack into the camera system at the ALF, and sure enough, I watched Dad interact with the night staff three times and then turn around and go back to his room (I have the footage in case I need it in the future). I know with dementia, it is very hard to tell truth from dementia reality, so I tried to let that go.

However, yesterday, the hospice nurse and I caught a staff member in a bold face LIE. When I went to pick Dad up from his trial visit at the new ADC (they monitored him closely), I texted his hospice nurse and asked for advice on whether I should take Dad to the ER.

She basically said to follow my gut about the ER, but she let me know she was going to call the ALF and have them take his blood pressure when I brought him back. She then advised me to take him to the ER if it was high.

Well...when the hospice nurse didn't hear back for a couple of hours, she called the floor nurse back and asked if she had taken the blood pressure. This lying B**** said she hadn't taken Dad's blood pressure but she had just checked on him and he was fine. WTH?!?! Dad had been away from the facility since 7:30 that morning AND I signed him out when we left.

So, the hospice nurse played along and asked the ALF staff member to check on Dad again and report back. Another hour passed and the hospice nurse had to call back. She asked again how Dad was doing, and this *&^&*^* said he was watching TV peacefully in his room!!!!!!!!

The hospice nurse was well aware that Dad was with me, so she called BS on this woman and politely let her know that Dad was with me... AT THE HOSPITAL!!!!

I understand that taking care of Dad myself may be a bit of a stretch, but I can't have him there. I can't stop thinking... "What else have they lied about?" I entrust them with Dad's care, and this is not the first time that they've let things slip through the cracks.

I'll hear his oxygen beeping over the phone and I will call the ALF and ask them to send someone down to plug in the machine. I will come by a couple hours later and his battery is dead because it was never plugged up. They will put the portable around his neck and let him ride around with it turned off. I've visited and it's been cranked up to 5L because it was beeping. Hello! It's beeping because the battery is going dead. It's NOT safe to provide TOO much oxygen.

Add that to the fact that they treated me like S*** when THEY screwed up the paperwork that the temporary VA Fiduciary sent (they applied the payment to the wrong person)-- with the late payment calls, $500 in late fees and "service charges" they didn't mention before...

I can't trust them, and I don't think a call to corporate will matter. I spent my past life in PR and nothing would sting more than the time stamped videos I've collected and a Social Media post. I'm going to wait until I get Dad out of there, so they don't retaliate against him, then I'm hitting F.I.T (Facebook, Instagram and Twitter).

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Tiny, there's a new thread "Not a question really, just sharing one of those moment". The OP talks about how she has set up camera's in her Moms home and can monitor from her phone. Thought of you for when Dad and u move to the house.

Doesn't the Daycare offer transportation?

Well, it looks like things maybe looking up. But remember, my brother said I was part of the problem. See, I have this problem where if I am aware of something why isn't the other person. I tend to go out of my way for people, so why can't someone go that xtra mile for me and mine? Now I understand that CNAs don't get paid enough for the dirty work they do but you can't dress my Mom where everything matches? Now my daughters will say...she doesn't know. But I do! She has lost her mind but she should still look nice. See what I mean. Learn to pick your battles even when living with Dad. It won't be perfect so learn to go with the flow. Keep us up to date on how it all works out.

DeeAnna, I am weighing both options. Medicare won't pay for OT AND Hospice, and I would rather Dad stay on hospice. I have looked into Physical Therapy options and it seems to be cheaper to take him.

I am trying to work out my work schedule at the full time job to accommodate this change (maybe come in early, stay late, and have lunch at my desk). I also have to figure out how many extra hours I could need to work at the part time job to cover the new expense for the next few weeks until the house is completed.

Thankfully, moving Dad in will save me roughly $1,000 per month in care expenses and about $400 per month on living expenses (with him covering half rent and utilities with his VA check). The best news of all is that even with me taking Dad to Adult Day Care (this new place is smaller and more attentive) two days a week and paying someone to help out 4 days a week, Dad's VA check will cover ALL of his care and living expenses with about a $300 per month surplus on his end.

...that means I can FINALLY quit the second job. Three years in hospitality customer service is NOT for the faint of heart....

At least, you are not going into the "take Dad home" process "wide-eyed" with no idea of what lies ahead. You DO know the possible problems and I think that you are working on finding solutions for them. Like I have said, the first 7 years with my Mom were good with great moments sprinkled in. It was when her delusions and her constant negativity became too much for me to handle that I really started to get stressed.

Good Luck with taking your Dad to live with you. Let us know how he is doing. Since your Dad had a stroke, what happens after his hospitalization? Will he be going to physical and occupational therapy while staying at a Rehab facility? {Medicare pays a percentage of the stay for 100 days as long as your Dad is progressing in therapy.} Or will he be staying at the house and you will be driving him to therapy every day?

Take your dad to a different facility . Yeah its illegal ..what you did, still better to know. Document what you and the hospice nurse did with staff and dont include imaging. Let the hr and floor charge nurses know.. See that that person is fired.

So glad you will be able to get Dad back with you. Having him with you has to be better than what you have been going thru.

You haven't done anything you need to be forgiven for, Tiny.

I think you hold yourself to impossible standards. I'm sure it's not the first time anyone's said that to you, hm?

Wow guys...

It really wasn't my intention for this to turn into a war between family members and paid caregivers. I'm not saying that they are all bad, but I have had lots of bad experiences and lost trust completely. This most recent situation didn't ease my mind at all.

Anyway, I'm not going to use the info from the camera. I just wanted to see if the staff was lying... and they were... and continuing to do so.

Upon returning with Dad yesterday, I ran into the night staff (let's not forget that Dad described them both perfectly when he told me that he reported his arm "feeling funny"), and casually asked them if Dad had said anything to them about not feeling well on the night of his stroke. They both said "no", and that he slept all night. Hmmmm...

I just simply said "thank you", to which they responded "We're so sorry about your Dad". You should have seen the shocked looks on their faces when I told them Dad had a stroke.

I have enough information against this place WITHOUT the video anyway, and the social worker from the hospital was MORTIFIED when I relayed the incident about the staff lying about just seeing Dad when he was actually in the ER, and she said she would be making a call.

I honestly feel guilty most about having to bring Dad back to that place. I see eyes rolling when I come in but I don't give a SH**. My Dad has limited ability to advocate for himself, so I will do it.

Was he the best Dad, HE** no. Do I get angry and frustrated? HE** yes, but at the end of the day I do know that he did the best with what he had to work with which wasn't much from what I can gather. I don't know why I was dealt this hand, but I have no choice but to deal with it. for my decision on moving him. Sorry, as soon as the construction on the home I want to rent is done, Dad is outta there. I've weighed this decision, and worked with the social worker from the Caregiver Advocacy division of the VA and through lots of journaling and introspection, have determined that bringing him home with me (Adult Day Center and AMAZING caregiver in tow) will be the "best of the worst".

Maybe I'll share some of that process in another one of my multiple paragraph posts.

I'm sure I've been pretty erratic on this forum as well. This SH** is hard at any level. It's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. If we can't rant here, where else can we go?

This place is the alternative to the therapy I need but can't afford, so forgive me when I type out of emotion.

Wally, ShakingDust was a poster a few years ago. She was displaying erratic behavior in her posts, challenging and making rude, bizarre, paranoid and unsubstantiated as well as wild assumptions. She attacked posters. Some thought she was in some type of manic stage. There were other suspicions as well.

Her behavior was so unacceptable that posters told her to just "go". She fought; it became a fiasco.

Now it's happening again. And it'll get much worse before she leaves.

You have to realize that she's unstable, and volatile. Notice her mood swings. She can't or will not even attempt to prove her wild accusations and suspicions.

The problem now is that again, she's disrupting the forum and refuses to leave. So others may just leave, either until she's removed or leaves voluntarily, and that affects the overall quality and value of the forum.

DeeAnna, I'm clapping louding and fully in support of your excellent analysis.

BTW, Shaky, how can I get paid for posting? I need the money.

There's another aspect that Tiny hasn't considered. One way or another, her employer will find out about the hacking. And she'll be out of a job, as the tech who did the hacking most likely will be too. If I were him, I'd turn state's evidence and get a deal, as he wasn't the instigator. You were.

Or if you're arrested first, or just contacted by the police, it could very well be at your place of employment. Your employer will find out, and again, you'll be facing dismissal.

Tiny, not only would you be compromising your own income, and that of your Dad, but you'll probably be barred from the AL, face civil action by them, or they could become the complaining witness.

Perhaps just as bad, you would likely be reported to APS, which under the circumstances, could intervene and prevent you from even seeing your father.
This is a potential you need to consider.

Think seriously; sound minds here are giving you good advice. Ignore that of the one who's not; she's demonstrated in the past that she's not emotionally stable.

If you don't want to be removed from any responsibility for caring for your father, by law enforcement and not voluntarily, think seriously about the advice you're being given.

You're the only one who can address this situation; we can't force you, but I doubt that anyone here is going to visit you if you spend a few nights in jail while action is pending.

From reading past posts, I recall that you're intent on making decisions but frequently look to posters here for advice.

If there was any time to take it, it's now. But remember, you're still in charge of your life and decisions, and no one can rescue you if you pursue a reckless course of action and thwart the law.

Some of the practice you've described, and especially that incident logged by the hospice nurse - I don't really care whether they amount to negligence or not, they're bloody appalling.

Tiny, document the (legally obtained) evidence and make a formal complaint. It's a slog, you have to keep plodding, but it's the *leadership* of this ALF that has explaining to do.

The real trouble is, what's your better alternative? Bringing Dad home, without the funds to hire a team, is not going to be better because one person just can't provide that much care; and that's not even taking into account the impact on you. Looking for another facility? - ohmygod, can't face that again, and besides what guarantee is there that another would be better?

So, that leaves working away at it steadily and consistently to get this facility to get its collective finger out. Think of yourself as an even-tempered, reasonable steamroller - flattening out the humps, one at a time.

Tiny, act but don’t react. Remember we told you to wait 24 hours before doing anything....get perspective and then proceed.

Think hard before posting on SM. Once it’s on the internet it’s there forever. did break several laws and brought a colleague into your situation as well.

I thought hospice patients couldn’t go to a hospital? Was he admitted?

And, I may add, posters here should do the same - think before you reply. If you post it would be nice to use proper punctuation, capitalize when beginning a sentence, and don’t use run on sentences. It will help several of us to read and recoil to some of the posts more succinctly instead of having to read the post twice to make sure we understand your “off the wall” responses. No censorship here just kindness & common sense. 

What sorts of opportunities do we look for, Shaking? Opportunities to report what ? What the heck are you talking about?

HOW DARE YOU!! I KNOW that you are talking about ME!
"it's amazing to me that professional nurses and others who have 'obligation to report others to the authorities' are allowed to even post here. no one in a professional capacity should be permitted to post in a forum such as this one, where care 'givers' not care takers are supposedly here for support."

WHAT?!? You don't think that someone who has worked as a CNA, nurse, or doctor is a "CAREGIVER"? Healthcare professionals are "Professional Caregivers". They "GIVE" care their entire life to people that they don't even know. They sit at the bedside of the sick and dying and comfort them. They hurt inside when their patients and residents hurt. Their patients and residents become like Sisters, Brothers, Aunts, Uncles, and Second Grandmothers/Grandfathers to them. They care so much that they buy Christmas and Birthday gifts to give to those nursing home residents who have no family. They cry when a patient or resident dies and even attend the funeral (which many a family appreciates).

While there are those healthcare professionals that are uncaring, I think that you will find (if you look hard enough) that "Professional Healthcare workers" are just as caring and just as trustworthy and just as loving as anyone else. They are also sons and daughters and some of them are taking care of their parents or other family members in their own homes.

You have NO idea who the other people are who post on this forum. AND EVERYONE has a RIGHT to post on this forum. If the moderators of the forum don't approve of you--they will tell you; if they don't approve of your post, they will delete your post.

ok im naïve here.

"roaders here, there are a lot of spies on this website who are here 24x7 trolling to trip people up, baiting them with questions, sprinkling their replies with fake sympathy, I've seen the same standard protocol here that I've seen in the facilities."

there are spies here? and fake sympathy? I don't believe everything I read on the internet, but why would someone waste their time spying and faking sympathy. just asking.

Oh, honey, I know that you are BOILING INSIDE and ABOUT TO EXPLODE from ANGER-- BUT no matter HOW angry and frustrated you are--that does NOT give you the RIGHT to hack into the camera system at the AF--that is overstepping the boundaries BIG TIME!!!. YOU BROKE THE LAW and VIOLATED HIPPA and every other privacy regulation. If anyone from the AL or even the State Ombudsman finds out that you hacked into the camera system, the “SHI? Is going to HIT the FAN”!! Have you told the hospice nurse what you did? What was her response?

I was going to advise that you contact the State Ombudsmen and tell them what is going on at the AL, BUT YOU JUST BURNED THAT BRIDGE {:-(
You may have “spent my past life in PR”, but I don’t think that you learned anything about the rules and regulations that govern release of information and protection of private information. Yeah, posting on F.I.T. might make you “FEEL BETTER”—until you get H.I.T. with a liable &/or slander lawsuit from the AL. Then who do you think will “Get the last laugh”, certainly not you!

GardenArtist, Guestshopadmin, freqflyer, and myself understand that you are upset and we would be too if this happened to our loved one. We are extremely concerned about you and your Dad. It seems like you have gone crazy with ANGER! You are like a runaway train or better yet, you are committing ROAD RAGE on the INTERNET!

Shakingdustoff, you stated “Tinyblu, I am totally with you all the way hun, start to finish. You did the right thing”—
so are you going to help Tinyblu’ pay her legal fees when she is charged with hacking into a private company’s computer or when she is charged with liable &/or slander by from the AL? Or offer to take care of her Dad if she is not allowed to take care of him while she is prison or on probation? Are you willing to risk your own family's health & wellbeing by encouraging and/or committing an illegal or immoral activity with Tinyblu?

Please calm down and think in a rational way about what you did or what you are about to do. You are about to get yourself in lots of trouble and that trouble may cost you in such a way that your Dad will be taken away from you! Do you really want that!?!

Tiny, unfortunately your experience seems to be the norm in AL.

I have reported, yelled, cried and all for naught. The oversight is just not there and if it is, it has no teeth.

I can not believe that i as a caring concerned daughter can not make my dad do anything, I can't say anything to the caregivers, they have rights ya know, without potential legal issues. The facility that gets paid on the other hand, can lie, cheat, steal, do drugs on the premises, help my dad buy a vehicle, not feed them properly, lie about how they are doing and on and on and on, and it's all freaking good.

What has our society come too?

My dad told me he would rather die in a parking lot then continue to live in AL and quite frankly, I don't blame him.

I pray that you find a way to hold this place and these people responsible, without legal ramifications to you, but DO NOT let them steal your peace of mind, do what you must for your dad and proceed with caution. These sorry sobs really do have the law on their side.

I think the Hospice nurse should do something.

Tiny, think Dad maybe better at home. Put him back in Daycare w/hospice. You will be there to make sure everything is plugged in. This AL is just not working for you.

Tiny, you're not listening..."...and making noise on social media has evoked change because no company wants negative publicity. A woman where I live posted video about a facility that was providing sub par care and that led to 1) LOTS of people moving their LO's out of the facility".

Did that woman hack, and/or ask someone to hack for her? Or did she take her own video?

Maybe her efforts produced outrage, but as we've advised, you're admitting as you've ALREADY DONE here to a involvement in a crime.

Have you e-mailed anything to the facility? If so, are you aware that the facility could also hack into your e-mail account, trace you to this forum, and use your "confessions" against you?

As to the Montgomery boycott, that was an entirely different situation, one which affected the entire nation. Don't consider yourself a Rosa Parks or Daniel Ellsberg or someone else who was involved in a nationwide challenge. You're taking on one facility and its management and employees.

You might be able to harness the power of social media, but don't be naïve enough to think that the facility isn't going to fight back.

Ask yourself who'll care for father if (a) you're fired from your job (b) the tech who did the hacking is fired also, and not only blames you but turns states evidence and admits that you asked him to hack and/or (c) you have no money to care for your father at home?

Think twice, three times, and back down from the hostile stance you're taking now.

You're not the only one who wants to be or has been involved with social change.

I know my ways of getting info in this last case were less than honest, I did that more for myself.

However, I have documentation of multiple other incidents. I started documenting these incidents...just in case. The oxygen stuff just seems...lazy to me, and I'm SUPER emotional right now after everything that happened.

The bold faced lie really pi**ed me off. I'm just keeping my documentation and continuing to document. The footage of the multiple oxygen incidents, broken A/C (I used a thermometer to record the room temperature vs. the thermostat), and the rain coming in the room must certainly account for disciplinary action of some sort.

Yes, I'm offended, but I would think Dad isn't the only one that has received less-than acceptable care at a premium care expense.

This whole ordeal has really made me gun shy about trusting any facility. I'm upset, but this isn't even about ME. There are elderly people that could be getting mistreated, and I feel like someone needs to say SOMETHING

...and making noise on social media has evoked change because no company wants negative publicity. A woman where I live posted video about a facility that was providing sub par care and that led to 1) LOTS of people moving their LO's out of the facility. ( Hey, the Montgomery bus boycott worked for a reason) and 2) the facility being disciplined and ultimately shut down.

Call me the social justice radical, but it just burns me up that this just goes on and no-one says anything. It just takes one person to speak up (anyone heard of the ME TOO movement - may you rot Harvey Weinstein) to effect change.

...yes Dad was less than a picture perfect father, but he at least deserves air conditioning, dry carpet without the risk of mold exposure, and to get his $975 worth of monthly service.

This was the worst care decision I've made, and there have been plenty. I should have continued to struggle to pay the money at the other place. Lower price (actually it isn't lower with the fees and nickling and diming) equals lower care in this instance.

I think I'm extra angry from sleeping in a hospital chair all night. I'm gonna take a nap.

Ignore me... I'm just blowing off steam most likely.

Tinyblu, I agree with the other writers above about the hacking into the camera feed at the Assisted Living. When I read that, a very huge red flag popped up. That kinda freaked me out thinking if your friend at work could hack in, so can others. Quite an invasion of privacy for all the residents and Staff. Even if you believe you have issues with the Assisted Living facility.

If I remember correctly, you are taking Dad home to live, right? Or has that changed? If Dad is leaving the facility, then just brush everything you believe that was wrong aside. One has to be extremely careful about posting videos and other situations. You have enough on your plate without a liable/slander lawsuit placed by the Assisted Living.

If you post on social media you prove that you were party to computer crime, which violates local, state and federal law. The AL will press charges, especially if they are in the wrong. Tiny be careful.

"I had a computer guy at work hack into the camera system at the ALF"

Tiny, you do know this is illegal, don't you? Better find evidence that's more legal before going to an ombudsperson.

I don't question your anger; I would be angry too if I'd found discrepancies as you have. But don't dismiss or compromise the value of your complaint by admitting to illegal monitoring.

And seriously, what would you expect to accomplish by posting on social media? There's certainly crowd power, but not regulatory power.

Find another place, or as I think you really want to do, bring Dad home and bring in hospice plus private duty care, then contact the Ombudsperson. I don't recall if this is AL, and if so, I assume that Medicare wouldn't be involved. Or is it a VA facility? If so, VA should be notified, but make sure you investigate first so that your complaint is filed with the right department and doesn't get lost.

I can't imagine how frustrating this must be for you.

I think I would take this to the ombudsman, if they are doing it to you they are doing it to others. Somebody with authority needs to hold their feet to the fire.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter