This is from the Caregivers Support Study at Orcasinc. I'm posting it here to help anyone who might be struggling with not being able to control negative's really helpful information.

There are different types of negative thoughts – those that are healthy concerns and those that are unhelpful.
Managing your negative thoughts isn’t about forcing yourself to be happy and positive all the time. A normal life isn’t perfect and everyone struggles sometimes. Thinking and talking about your healthy concerns can help you understand them and find solutions. Unhelpful thoughts, on the other hand, tend to be exaggerated. They make you feel worse and get in the way of problem solving. It’s important to react differently to healthy concerns and unhelpful thoughts.

Unhelpful Thoughts:

Exaggerate the negative side of a situation
Make you feel worse
Get in the way of enjoying good times
Make it harder for you to see ways you can solve the problem
May lead you to misinterpret a situation—if you are looking for the negative in a situation it may lead you to think something is wrong, and you may start to worry

Healthy Concerns:

Allow you to recognize and accept negative feelings: “I feel sad today.”
Help you admit that you need time for yourself: “Sometimes I need a break from my family member.”
Send you an accurate signal about what upsets you: “I get frustrated when my family member doesn’t listen to me.”
Reflect the reality of the situation: “I’m not a bad caregiver, I’m just tired.”

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All comments are good. It is very helpful to read each and one of your comments. I especially like Lesliex comments. I try just as she/he is
doing. I believe in God will intervene when things go right or astray.
He is in control. I had to step away from how my sister and brother
on how they are treating our mother. Unfortunately, its not a good

I have tried really hard to shut out the "what if's". Just about any decision you make can be fixed later to solve that 'what if'.

And every day brings a new thing, so all that "what if" stuff goes away in a heartbeat - so get over it!
I believe that God or fate or karma will not let you go down a road that cannot be fixed.
I really struggle too with healthy concerns and negative thoughts. I always want to be prepared! glad for this post
So - I categorize. Finances in one column and Care in the other.

You needed to do what you did. When you talk to her - explain that the DOCTORS (the professionals you spoke with - whoever they are) PRESCRIBED (use that word) this. I always use the doctors as a scapegoat, and use medical words when I can to make it more important sounding - HOWEVER - I DO NOT LIE TO MY PARENT EVER!!!!!! Talk frequently to the doctors and nurses who are with your Mom every day and let them know that you need help. Those folks are awesome with helping to explain stuff to you and your Mom and with giving you other people to talk to.

Talk to everybody you can

OMG to I every love this website! Each time I get on this site I find something I can use. Wonderful topic! I have so much guilt with my mom. I put her condo on the market last Saturday. Then I had a breakdown - got into the "what if's". What if she is normal once she learns to walk? What if she doesn't like where she is placed? What if she uses up all her money? etc. etc. Mom is 90 and in rehab for a broken leg. The professionals tell me she needs assisted living. I visit and she doesn't talk to me or treats me cool. I'm making all the decisions and they are never right. I try to tell myself this will pass but I'm just so exhausted from trying to do everything right. Hope this didn't sound stupid!

Nice post Cricket! Just to share a few of my views ~~~There are many ways to look at life and we are all looking at it from a different perspective because of our past experiences and our way of looking at the future.

Getting frustrated now and then is a part of life. When it comes to caregiving we must stay tuned in with our inner feelings of healthy well being. When all is not well you look for a solution. Seek help..get things resolved and move on with life.

I would suggest that we always try to look for the good first. Change those things that we can and stop worrying about those that we cannot take care of ourselves....then reach out to others for help in those situations.

Caregiving is just one of those things that we often have to do that we know will ultimately end in sadness, etc. But this too is a part of the life/death process and will pass given time to heal. We all do the best we can in the caregiving situations and I feel it is important to release all pain and guilt involved...A good idea would be to treat our own selves as we would a friend of relative ...with forgiveness, love and compassion. There is a beautiful life ahead and that is the road we want to follow.
Love & Blessings~

I am helping to care for my aging parents. I found the thoughts above helpful. I have learned two things since this process began...1. One day at a time and 2. Nothing is perfect. Simple, I know, but it helps me cope...

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