Needing to move away from parents

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My husband and I have been the primary caregivers for his parents for the last 3 years. His father is in the mid stages of Alzheimer's and his mother has MID from strokes she has had. She is still relatively aware and cooks their meals and so forth. She cannot handle money and pay the bills or drive. My husband goes over there everyday to make coffee for the next morning and make sure they have their meds. Plus once a week or so, he gives the house a quick cleaning. The problem is that I am terribly homesick (we live 400 miles away from our home town) and it is causing problems in our marriage because I am starting to resent him because we live here. He has agreed to move back home, because he truthfully isn't happy here either. The problem is, although mom and dad can't take care of themselves, they refuse to move into a care facility, and we have no DPA to make them go. They also have no money, since they got a reverse mortgage on the house and my MIL spent over $200,000 on HSN and QVC...

Does anyone know if we are legally bound to continue to care for them? I just don't know what to do. I feel like we are being held prisoner. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

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Debralee, did you notice that the original post here was in 2009? Many of the posters in this thread may no longer be active on the forum. (Just FYI, in case you didn't notice. No criticism implied.)
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The postings to this discussion topic is more like a bible study group. Ms A is looking for advice about caregiving problems, not religious teachings. Give her resolutions to her problem and ot her soul.
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Well I Think the first thing you should do is, you need to tell them that they would have a better time being taken care of then spending money buying things they DONT need... also when they do have money to spare they can buy it AT THE NURSING HOME instead of wasting money! I Hope This Helps You!!!
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'Honour your father and mother' means to show respect and reasonable concern for their wellbeing. We are Bible believing Christians, our faith is everything. My parents are in their 80s, at present able to live alone but they have no interests, they would like to live with my sister or I, they constantly ask when they are next seeing us but when they do it is on their terms. They just want to be waited on, given 'over the top' meals and alcohol, they belittle our faith and deliberately try to encourage our daughter to get into worldly ways. I honour them by continuing to see them but both my husband and I keep them at arms length. We pray for them but find them spiritually oppressive and draining, how could we co exist with them daily without massive compromise to our faith?
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Ms. A:

If you both return home, there's a chance your husband will drive the 400 back to his parents' a couple x a week to check up on them. If you resent him now, just imagine the arguments if he starts commuting.

Check with local agencies to set up some kind of support system that everyone is okay with. If that isn't good enough and he's still taking care of them on a daily basis, then he might as well stay until his priorities are straightened out.
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I was looking for information for a research paper and ended up on this, but I must put in my thought. I am 20 years old and my grandfather passed away last week of Azheimer's. Your husband needs to be with his parents every second he can because they will soon not be there anymore. I understand you are homesick, but could you not wait a few years to move away from his parents. The disease is fast and awful and they will need more help than you can imagine. If you don't stay with his parents, then you will both regret it later in life and probably blame each other, ending in a worse outcome than putting your life on hold for a few years. Good luck though. Love those dear people while you still can.
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I was looking for information for a research paper and ended up on this, but I must put in my thought. I am 20 years old and my grandfather passed away last week of Azheimer's. Your husband needs to be with his parents every second he can because they will soon not be there anymore. I understand you are homesick, but could you not wait a few years to move away from his parents. The disease is fast and awful and they will need more help than you can imagine. If you don't stay with his parents, then you will both regret it later in life and probably blame each other, ending in a worse outcome than putting your life on hold for a few years. Good luck though. Love those dear people while you still can.
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Jesus said "leave your father and mother" and cleave to each other
Jesus said "leave your family and follow me"
(well not his exact words)

No where in the Bible does it say... your parents bore you so you are their slave.
Honor your Father and Mother by behaving well in society and being responsible. I cannot stand it when people use that Honor your Father and Mother as you having to BECOME your father and mother.
Jesus even at one point "dissed" his mom when followers said... Jesus your mom and brothers are here and want to speak with you ... and Jesus said YOU are my family, and this is my work, -- which I took to mean... that Jesus put his family on the same level as any other followers.... (again not the exact words)
Please quit putting the Honor your Father and Mother ... as a life sentence to children who never asked to be born.
Wow.... am I ever depressed and resentful tonight! Tomorrow I may not feel this way.
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laspooh
Thanks for your wonderful post. Boy would I love to meet you!

One reason people are afraid of live in help is the liability factor, but it can be handled and with a person of your quality, I'd think people would be fighting over you. You obviously have a passion for it.

I hope you and the right family find what benefits you both. Nothing works 100% for everyone. It would be so nice so say do A., then do B., then do C. and everything will work out fine. But it's so much more muddled than that.

We do need more people like you.
Carol
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I read through all the posts and everyone gives wonderful advise. There is one thing I want to tell everyone who has an elderly parent on their hands. Really consider the Live-in caregiver options and do a Detailed research. It's risky but if you find the right person, consider being more open. For example:
I'm 29 and have been in the medical field (medical assistant/home health aid) for over 10 years specializing in senior care. I have been looking for live-in position for more than a year. I have Wonderful references, great easy-going personality and more importantly I Love what I do! You can not imagine what passion I have to work in this field! There is a reason, when I was around 19 years old I saw my great-grandmother being mistreated, neglected and at times abused by the family she was with. It left me burning with emotions for to protect and provide best possible care. Now, I have been interviewed a number of times for a live-in position. As soon as the family finds out that I'm married (no children) they shut down and are no longer interested. They want a caregiver who is free with no attachments.
This makes me really sad, because I know that this blinds a lot of families. Think about it, doesn't this show that the caregiver is a committed, reliable person? And if hired will stay for a long time? That is what I don't understand. The family is willing to allow a parent to be home alone when its risky, put in so much effort and work in to keeping their parent at home, but when it comes to a little compromise no one is willing to budge...
I'm sorry.... I don't mean to make anyone feel bad especially not msambrosia75. It's just a trail of thought that I wanted to share. Maybe it will help make a better decision as you go through your options.
God Bless!
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