Today I'm taking my mother to the doctor to learn the results of some blood tests she had a few days ago. I already know (although she doesn't) that they suspect she has a blood cancer of some kind and they want to do further tests for that. I expect her to be pretty freaked out. I'm pretty freaked out myself, honestly. My mother can be a giant PITA at times but I still feel for her, which is how I got into this caregiving gig to begin with.
I had always wished for a quick death for my mother, not a long debilitating illness. I dread the additional work of helping her though treatments or even greater disability if she foregoes treatment, and I dread being infected by her emotions - her fear, depression, anger, whatever she goes through as she approaches the end. She can be toxic even when well, and I expect her final illness will be the most distressing and unpleasant thing I will ever live through, except maybe my own final illness, if that's how I go out. I wish my sister could go with us to the Dr., but she has to work today and she hasn't offered to take off work for this occasion. Maybe she considers herself lucky. I just need to know I'll have some of you to talk to when I get home. Carla