Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

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Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

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Mom's best friend insulted mom, asked her not to call her so much, just once a day. She's upset, I feel bad. What to do?
Is it legal for my brother, who hasn't been in my mother's life, but who is POA, to not let me visit or speak on the phone to my mother?
How do I motivate my family to share obligations and visit?

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T teristeve Jul 2009 · Answer 1 · 2009-07-09T15:40:40.000-0400

I have read about your situation several times and I understand so much how you feel. My husband and I are also caretakers for his parents as we are the only children living near them. My mother-in-law has alzheimers and my father-in-law has dimentia and is physically very thin and feeble.
We have discussed, as a family, the many alternatives to their care (they are still living by themselves in their home of 57 years). They are totally against leaving their home, which we know is normal. We have been thinking about renting out our family home and moving in with them.
However, after reading about you and your mother, I am scared to death about this commitment. We have 6 grandchildren who love to come over all the time and stay with us on the weekends (at times). Just how much will we be giving up? also we both work full time and have to in order to pay bills. Is there an answer to all of this?
As for you, I will tell you something that I do about 2x a month that I have never done before. I ao to the movies by myself. No one can interrupt me because you have to turn cell phones off.
Of course, I let everyone know where I will be. It has given me a little bit of my freedom back and I can have some joy just for me.
I really think a person (especially a caregiver) needs this time.

C carmen1tn Jul 2009 · Answer 2 · 2009-07-09T08:38:55.000-0400

Hi Sulynn,

You are going through a really rough patch - I am sorry and will pray for you. Are you sure your mother is not able for medicaid? disability? If her income/assets are below a certain amount would she not qualify? If she does then maybe you can get homecare. Once you get the ball rolling in any of these I have found that you would have access to other services. I don't know I am just guessing. Is there a senior agency where you could get advice?

As far as her debt goes maybe you could get some legal advice as far as her options there.

Good luck,
Carmen

S Sulynn Jul 2009 · Answer 3 · 2009-07-08T23:54:51.000-0400

Hello everyone sorry I have not written in a while my mom was in the hospital. Sorry for your loss Austin but glad you are doing better hope you don't leave us on the site. I could use some advice if anyone can help me. My mom has over 50,000 dollars in credit card debt. I have convinced her to turn her car in which will help. I wanted to get a job but will not be able to now because she refuses to stay by herself and I can't afford anyone to come in. She is not sick enough for certain care and she is only 63 1/2 so not old enough for medicare and not eligible for medicaid this is all so confusing at time. I tried looking into working from home but, I have only found scams so far. I am in online college but, I need to earn some money we are getting deeper and deeper in debt. It is frustrating cause my sister has money but, does not seem interested in helping thats ok we will manage without her. The good news is that my mom's cancer did not return but she has had a small stroke in the past and a few seizures so I really can't leave her alone which is hard for me because I am so used to working and taking care of my kids now we all live together and it is tough. Anyway if anyone has some suggestions please let me know.

D ddarkangel Jul 2009 · Answer 4 · 2009-07-07T21:31:54.000-0400

Cat that is nice....sometimes they just love being seen! And nice for you not to have to spend the entire day waiting! My moms hairdresser was kind enough to make a housecall the other day...she isnt going anywhere....but she feels special just having her hair nice for a day or two.....ah the simple things.

C Cat Jul 2009 · Answer 5 · 2009-07-07T21:24:18.000-0400

I took my mom to the DMV today to get a new ID card. Although we had an appointment & she was in a wheelchair, the person at the intake window had us take a number & wait in line. I was too tired to argue, so we waited in line. Once we completed her paperwork & she proudly got her thumb printed, we were once again directed to a line of 30+ people for the photo....since she appeared to be enjoying the people watching I didn't say anything.

About 5 minutes later a man tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to come with him - -well, long story short - my mom got the royal treatement & her picture taken at the special handicapped station. The DMV employee who had rescued us told me that try as he might, the DMV employees forget that handicapped people - including seniors- aren't supposed to wait in line - there is special window for them. My mom was smiling ear to ear. On the way home she was really jazzed & reminding me of past visits with the DMV.

I'm venting, but not really - just amazed that people don't see us, but sometimes even caregivers get a break.

L lovingdaughter Jul 2009 · Answer 6 · 2009-07-05T20:25:37.000-0400

wbassman,
Good luck. Ours cost 3,400 for just 2 weeks. You are lucky. Enjoy your vacation.
Linda

C CLL007 Jul 2009 · Answer 7 · 2009-07-05T15:00:35.000-0400

I'm so very sorry for your Loss.. My thought's and prayer's are with u and your family. Glad to hear from u. Take Care of yourself. Know that he is in a better place and him and my Dad are talking away. Write to u again let's please keep in touch.
With Love Cindy

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Jul 2009 · Answer 8 · 2009-07-05T14:56:45.000-0400

That's a good deal! Not every town has this option, but I hope more get it.

Carol

X xbassman Jul 2009 · Answer 9 · 2009-07-05T14:54:47.000-0400

I understand also. My 88 yr old Mother is with us since a fall in her rent house. Doctors said she could not stay alone and we had a decision to make. In hindsite I wish I had taken her to a rehab cntr but brought her to live with us. Whew! Look into something called Respite Care. Nursing homes offer this service and it is designed to give caregivers a break. We are putting my Mother in one for 3 weeks while we go on vacation. The cost in my area is about $80 day, less than a good motel room. They get quality care, meals, all the services a full time resident would receive. Check it out!

1 195Austin Jul 2009 · Answer 10 · 2009-07-05T08:25:30.000-0400

Cindy-great to see your note-I had been worried about you a lot and am so glad to hear that you checked in as you probably saw my husband passed away on June 26 the kids- 41 and 44 and our grandaughter and I were there at the end and it was peaceful and he was able to recognize us all before he went into a deep coma and had so much wrong he would not be able to survieve so after the 3rd day we all agreed to take him off life support and he died peacefully 12 hrs. later at 4am we all were by his side as his heart stoped-he had chosen to be creamated and we are having a memorial service on the 22nd-I am so glad I had been working on the medicaide application so we had talked about what we would both want at the end so I knew his wishes and I know he believed and has salvation and his spirit is with God now and when I sit on our memorial bench at church and talk to him and another member who passed on that I talk to at least now I will get a chance to get a word in-I am sure the other spirits have already let him know he talks too much.

C CLL007 Jul 2009 · Answer 11 · 2009-07-04T10:49:22.000-0400

Hi Cat, This is Cindy and yes everything is just OK Mom still has her Moods every 3 or 4 wks. but I'm dealing with it. Thank's to all of u guy's !!! U always think u have it so bad until u read other people's problem and wow, I know with help and my sister I can get through anything. Thank's for asking about me it meant alot.
Cindy
Happy 4 th !!!

L lovingdaughter Jul 2009 · Answer 12 · 2009-07-04T08:07:58.000-0400

Hi Austin,
Had no internet for a few days. Glad to hear that you are getting help from your neighbors and have the fighting spirit. I know that you will be out there being a champion for our cause. Nursing homes do have to be revamped and yes, the system is not working. Good luck and we are all behind you!!!!!
Linda

C Cat Jul 2009 · Answer 13 · 2009-07-04T02:05:09.000-0400

Hi Austin,

Glad you are taking it slow & doing some gardening. I've always found gardening to be very comforting too. Its a nice way to slowly shift back to normal mode gradually a day at a time. I hope you have a good time at the wedding and let everyone pamper you a little bit. You deserve alot of hugs & pampering - - caregiving takes up so much of our life that it will be a bit strange deciding where to re-direct all that energy that went into caregiving. I'm willing to bet that you will become a forceful advocate for the rest of us!

I haven't seen any posts from Cindy in a while - hopefully she is ok. Let me know if you talk to her.

Everything is pretty much the same here - my mom is still doing well and is looking forward to the fireworks tomorrow. She really loves the holiday& gets a kick out of the little kids sooooo excited at the fireworks. So no matter what happens with this economy & such tonight I feel like this is as good as it gets and am grateful for everything - that includes knowing you, Austin my friend. I'm sending a cyber hug & wish you a good week. Looking forward to hearing how things go with the wedding & all.

1 195Austin Jul 2009 · Answer 14 · 2009-07-03T19:15:02.000-0400

Hi Cat -catch me up on your life-you are one of my oldies but goodies-you were here when I first joined on- I am a little numb right now but plan to plant my meger garden tomarrow if it DOES NOT RAIN-will have a quiet holiday got 4 books out of the library after the memorial I will get back to my other vol. job at the library I have the best section overlooking our lake that only the rich can use but have a great view and have to get back walking on the trail-today my neighbors offered to help me with my lawn and for once I accepted help-shocked myself I usually guard my independence but just this once I can accept help I guess without the sky falling down. I am going to my nephews wedding-going with my brother and sister in law-I just can not get and get a new dress so am wearing slacks and a pretty blouse. Has anyone heard from Cindy I have not since her surgery-I hope she is well-if you here from her tell her I said hello-I will check later on to see if she still has a wall-my life seems so strange now- I still can not get it together but it has only been a week and am doing what needs to be done I will be plenty busy after getting through the new two weeks.

C Cat Jul 2009 · Answer 15 · 2009-07-03T15:30:32.000-0400

You go Austin!

1 195Austin Jul 2009 · Answer 16 · 2009-07-03T15:15:37.000-0400

Thank you something needs to be done we were lucky to have medicade supplement insurance so he was able to stay in rehabs longer which helped because our county does not give much help and I had to make a fuss to get 3 -1 hr aides a week and often they called and tried to bail out and our Gov. is a handicaped person and it has gotten worse since he steped in to fill the term of the Gov. that had to resign- he wants to close down hospitals and nursing homes I hope he comes near here and I will give him a wake up call -how dare he be so unfeeling-he will never be in our position because he has great health insurance for life and he has pleanty of money-but I am going to do all I can to help others that are desperate for just a little help we are not selfish just give us a helping hand.

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Jul 2009 · Answer 17 · 2009-07-03T14:15:29.000-0400

Go for it, Austin!
Carol

M Micheleangel Jul 2009 · Answer 18 · 2009-07-03T13:52:37.000-0400

Dear Austin, You are so sweet, God bless you. Michele

D ddarkangel Jul 2009 · Answer 19 · 2009-07-03T13:02:48.000-0400

i love it!

1 195Austin Jul 2009 · Answer 20 · 2009-07-03T12:57:36.000-0400

You are right I started last fall to talk to the men and women running for local office about health care and met one at our county RSVP Luncheon they give up every year for all the voleenteers and got up on the ole soap box and talked to him more about and I am going to join a caregivers and former caregivers group in my county and hope to be able to be a help to others and and make sure our voice gets out there-this little mouse in going to roar I am sure the husband is looking down and Oh GOD there she goes again you better give in she will not shut up until she gets her way,

1 195Austin Jul 2009 · Answer 21 · 2009-07-03T12:47:53.000-0400

HI dear friends old and new you are all in my hearts this belongs on blessings also my next door neighbors have offered to mow some of my large lawn next to their property and tne lower back lawn which will be so helpful since my son does not want me to do it I surprised myself by taking up their offer I have been so independent for so long but I have so much on my plate right now it will help me out a lot

D ddarkangel Jul 2009 · Answer 22 · 2009-07-02T22:27:59.000-0400

ok well i know i did something right....no poop for 6 days and today we have had 6 countem 6 atomic poops! THANK GOD for stool softeners lol! I cant cook so I know its not my cooking! I feel like I have birthed sixtuplets! nite all!

C carmen1tn Jul 2009 · Answer 23 · 2009-07-02T21:15:59.000-0400

dd - Your Mom is like mine - she is in denial. it's too hard to accept that she is where she is. My mother still gets upset when someone comes in to take care of her when she doesn't need it. She'll say things like your Mom - :Give me my walker and I'll just take care of myself". It does break your heart. You are absolutely right - there needs to be an overhaul in our whole system. The baby boomers are getting old and the status quo as far as nursing homes etc. won't do. There need to be other more viable alternatives. In our cases we should get some kind of compensation because we are saving the state money by housing them. I have stayed home from work many days to care for her.
Hang in there - you are doing all the right things!

Carmen

L lovingdaughter Jul 2009 · Answer 24 · 2009-07-02T10:56:21.000-0400

ddarkagel,
Glad you called Comfort Keepers. They have so wonderful for us and so good to mom. A new woman came today and she is just as great!!!! If you have the local guy come and interview your mom, she might feel more comfortable with the whole idea. Did that with mom, and it really helped.I tell my mom it is like getting a new friend. Tell your mom that if her friends are just as old as she is, they can't take care of her. If she is forgetting, have her make a memory book with the new helpers. She can cut out pictures, write down memories of her family and thoughts for the day. My mom cuts out articles on gardening for me, birds for her other granddaughter, and articles about Ireland and music for my daughter. She presented us all with scrapbooks filled with articles that are so useful. Keep up the good work and keep writing to us.
Linda

C CLL007 Jul 2009 · Answer 25 · 2009-07-02T10:40:41.000-0400

Sorry but I'm changing the subject. But has anyone heard from Alice??????
CLL007

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Jul 2009 · Answer 26 · 2009-07-02T07:29:30.000-0400

DD, I love your humor! We need it. There are some programs in some states that do pay caregivers to stay home but it is spotty. Have you looked into your state's Medicaid waiver? Check with your state aging services to see if they can direct you to a program to get some pay for staying home with your mom. You may find something available for you at this time, but it will take some digging. Hopefully, this will eventually become possible for any caregiver who chooses to stay home with an elder.

Your love for your mother, and your humor (dark humor is all that we have sometimes) shows your spirit. We are with you. You are wise with trying the caregiving service slowly. You are wise in many ways. Keep checking in.
Carol

C CLL007 Jul 2009 · Answer 27 · 2009-07-01T20:23:44.000-0400

That is why we are all here for each other. It's not whineing it's called expressing your feeling"s and that OK for u to do that we are here for u. I too get to feel that way crying helps......
Take care of yourself.CLL007

D ddarkangel Jul 2009 · Answer 28 · 2009-07-01T19:20:15.000-0400

oooooh carmen, tried to talk to mom about comfort keepers. talked to the local guy and he sounded real nice. I have to laugh when i think about the conversation. i wont be using them for maybe 5-6 weeks but I want to try them at least once a week to make sure it will work out. My mom is trying to convince me that she has so many friends who will be happy to come over and sit with her.....and do her bidding....and wipe her butt......and listen to her orders.....without being paid .....all day........lol......i just smiled and said......."give me their numbers" lol.Then she told me tomorrow she is going to use her walker more so she can get to her wc to get out in case of a fire in case of an emergency so I dont worry., so I can leave her home alone for 12 hours. This is breaking my heart. She feels like i am clipping her wings and punishing her. I keep explaining patiently over and over what has been going on. I hope she is not so alert when I do have to call them. this so sucks, ya know medicare should subsidize us to stay home since we are saving them money and then everyone would be happy. I really need to go back to work and yet I will be missing whatever good days I have left with her. Soon she will be gone and so much of my time has been spent stressed out trying to cover all the bases. I really want to buy long term care insurance so my kids dont have to go thru this, but it costs a bunch. ok,,,,must go get more cheese for this WHINE..ewwwwwww i hate how i sound today..........

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Jul 2009 · Answer 29 · 2009-07-01T10:37:44.000-0400

Hi Roxie,
You have plenty to be depressed about. Watching the decline is so awful, and most of us know what you are going through, though you have your own version. It wouldn't hurt, if you haven't seen a doctor about depression, to do so. Treatment for depression isn't going to change your mother's situation, or make you cheerful about the decline. But if you are clinically depressed, it may make it easier for you to deal with, if you get help. Please do consider a checkup.

Meanwhile, keep coming back here. We know how hard it is.
Carol

C EXPERT Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF Jul 2009 · Answer 30 · 2009-07-01T07:08:25.000-0400

DD, I'm so glad you had a night at home! I know how hard it can be to go back some days, but you will. We're thinking of you.
Carol

Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

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