Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

Hi Roxie,
My mom doesn't live with us, she would probably be the end of my sanity and my marriage if she did. None of my siblings could do it. I can only imagine what you feel. My mother is verbally abusive and the toll is tremendous. We clean her house and do her laundry and errands. She gets out now and then with us, but we pay a tremendous price emotionally. Nothing we do will ever be enough.

Does your family know that they are hurting you by leaving you out? Have yvou flat out asked them to include you and to help you? If they did, can you be available? Are the demands of caring for your mother part of that problem? People cope in their own various ways. Listen to your heart, but listen to them also. I can't urge you to continue caring for your mother yourself or not to continue. Only you know what you feel or what is right in your mind and the situation. But please understand that there is a limit to what people can endure and when your limit or your family's limit has been reached, don't feel guilty! Get help, whatever it takes to take care of yourself and your family.

Blondie

Blondie Hang in there when she goes to A.l. it will be better on you it will probably be hard on all of you at first but maybe being around others her age might help her. You really are in a hard situation and I feel so sorry for what you are going through-keep comming to this place to let us all know how you are doing and vent as often as you need to.

God bless caller ID. I used to answer the first call from my mother, and then leave the rest (for the evening). After awhile, she'd quit. The main problem was she'd forget she called and call again and again about the same issue.

Abusive calls - yeah I've had those too. Do the best you can to ignore them and don't react, because that fuels the issue. Since you've coped with an alcoholic ex, you may know the Al-Anon steps. They would help here, too. Detach. Remove yourself from abusive situations. Don't accept blame that is not yours to take.

It's always hard. After an adustment period, as Austin said, things will get better, but caregivers need to learn not to be the "victim." I think those of us who are natural caregivers - or at least accept the main load - tend to be the kind that give too much and don't know it until we are swamped and/or abused.

Keep coming back here to get support. These people are great.
Carol

I fell on Fri slipping on a area rug and fell into a low chair and I think I broke some ribes- did not go to the hospital I did not want to bother our son he had already been up to work on my old clothes dryer earilier and he is working on a ten day streach. The husband is being helpful and the elder of our church came up with a pizzia for us and will be able to deliver a cake I had promised to make to the church for Sunday. That same night our aides wife got made at me because we had to cut his days down to twice a week so I called the agency and they are going to send another aide twice a week- I feel bad we did like our first aide but we just could no longer afford the 3 days a week. I had cut out everything I could for the budget. I am getting more crocheting done and have lots of books to read and able to get some sleep at night in my husbands special chair and my cat checks on me a night- it does feel good to be taken care of for a change.

hello austin you should really go to a dr. im sorry you hurt your self. my sister has a meeting with dads dr some time this week it would be nice if she told me and not the person with dementia but i guess thats how it goes. im sure shes mad at me becasuse i told the dr that she doesnt want to give him the script of haldol that the dr gave me for my dad. oh well the dr asked me about it i told him i gave the slip to my sister thats her deal not mine. we went out to dinner last night when we got home at 9

195Austin''''''''''''Sorry to hear you fell, but am glad you are being taken care of.I also have a cat that meets me at the door and she knows when things arent ok with me. I also read and crochet in my spare time. I agree with miak, try to find a way to the dr. just in case its something more serious. Take care and let us know how you are doing. Glad to hear the husband is helping out.....

Hi our new aide started today and we like him- we may change from Fri to Thur because he goes to college part time. I was able to do some house work today and am going to try driving some tomarrow. it will be a while before the ribs heal but I am use to pain and growing up it always mind over matter so I am tough.

Hi Ladies,

I have been reading all of your conversations. Boy can I relate. I am 38 years old and have a 60 yr old mother who had an aeortic tear a 1 1/2 ago (2007). From this she had had stints put in, has severe COPD and wears oxygen all the time. Coupled with that she had a degenerative bone disease. She had recently moved in with me a week ago. My boyfriend is very helpful, yet it can be stressful. I exercise alot which helps, and shop for short periods of time. My mom is on 25 different meds. You are all so right it is hard to see strong parents decline. I am the oldest and the responsibility has fallen on me. I continue to take it one day at a time! I am so happy I found this sight, as I have not really found a group near my home for this type of issue.

Melissa
Welcome to this site-you will meet the most caring people here- we all learn from each other and cry with each other and also laugh together.

Please keep coming back and interacting with this terrific group. I'm glad your boyfriend is helpful, but he's going to have tough moments, as will you. Take it a day at a time, as you say. We're pulling for you.
Carol

welcome melissa, this is a great sight with many supportive people. I am glad you found it. Keep us updated on your situation and know that we are all in this together. Take care of yourself too, and am glad your boyfriend is helping. It can get very stressful at times and make sure you guys can tell each other when it gets to be too much. take care God Bless

I am not sure what to do. My parents are in a Nursing Home, in the town where I live. I have 2 sisters one in the same town and one close by. I do not feel my sister's help. At least my little sister comes once in a while. However my main concern is the staff at the Nursing Home. I am concerned that my father may have Parkinson's disease. But when I tell the staff something I have noticed they just say they have not noticed it. Also my mom is in end stage kidney failure and needs a special diet which they do not provide. My mom is also diabetic and the other day I went to visit and she was drinking hot choclate, not sugar free. Also the diet, because of the kidney failure, she is to follow does not even allow her to have choclate. The nursing home is aware of all of her medical problems, and her dietary needs. However I feel they ignore me because they would have to do a little extra work, to meet her dietary needs. But is not that what they get paid for? My question does anyone know what the signs of Parkinson's are. Also does anyone have any suggestions on how to get the nursing home to listen to me. I am not a very assertive person. Also how do I explain to my husband how hard this is on me. He is not a very caring person.

My father has Parkinsons, but there are many diseases that have the same symptoms. Our latest local seminar by a prominent group of docs say the deadpan look and the shaking hand or hands, or loss of muscle control especially just one side are the indicators. Then they give meds for Parkinsons and if the meds work, they know it's Parkinsons, lol. No tests, just a variety of symptoms that may lead to a diagnosis. A neurologist is the doctor to get to check your father. You will probably have to have your father's family doctor refer him. I'm not at the point of dealing with nursing homes yet, so I'll leave that for others to advise you.
Besides helping my mother take care of Dad, I have a 75 year old husband with dementia. He has 9 (Catholic, lol) children from his first marriage of 53 years and only one daughter my age is happy for us and communicate. No one believes their father is sick and believe I am blowing smoke. We have been married 3 years and was diagnosed with dementia shortly after our marriage. He is a very intelligent man and very stubborn. The biggest problems come from no common sense or ability to think anything through. Short term memory is mostly gone. He's at the point of most times needing help with many everyday things. It's like having a terrible two kid that isn't going to ever listen to a reason. He's of the generation that the woman takes care of every whim of the man, so he fights the docs and I on trying to do some things like dishes and folding clothes. I really miss having conversations. It's very frustrating reminding and repeating. Having to be near him 24/7 is miserable. I've always been low on patience when it comes to being interupted when I'm trying to do a job, so I'm a terrible caregiver. Putting Dad and my husband together is craps game. Sometimes, they get along, sometimes it's like a couple of little kids scrapping. I had a doc appt for myself today and my doc yelled at me. He says I'm running on empty and am going to end up suicidle or getting very sick. LOL, but the first thing my husband said when I got home was "It won't kill you to take out the dog". Six siblings who don't help Mom much and think I'm nuts when I ask for someone to help me for a bit. So...... finding this site and hearing others have same problems helps. Thanks to all the kind people who are pouring out their problems for the rest of us to read. My prayers are for all of us who feel alone and overwhelmed. diane

Venting is so important, so I'm glad you both were able to share information and also share your load.

Beth, the nursing home is not doing their job, and you may have to contact the ombudsman ( www.ltcombudsman.org ) if you can't get anywhere with the home. Please make yourself be more assertive for your parents' sakes. You don't have to be nasty, just say that these things aren't acceptable. You need to get your dad to a doctor for a diagnosis, and the lack of care for your mother's diabetes is totally wrong. If the floor nurse won't help, talk to the administrator. If that person won't help, go to the ombudsman site and find you state and contact them. They are independent of the nursing home and are there to help you.

Please, Beth and Lost - keep in touch to hear other's stories. We'll give you as much direction as possible, as well. There's a world of experience on this site.

Carol

Beth
My husband has only been in rehab in nursing homes but I have found if you approach the head nurse of the unit and calmly explain what you need for the care of your loved ones and plan ameeting ahead of time it helps. Also the dietician should be very involved. Where we live in the northeast there are many nursing homes to choose from so I would be able to change to another one easiely but I know most people do not have that option. Also the good ones usually have family meetings every few months where all families are encouraged to attend to discuse common problems and as Carol said the ombudsman is a good idea they do not work for the nursing home and are a good pt. advocate most nursing homes have notes posted on how to get in touch and I did get medicare involved when my husband was in a hospital- and they did help.

Okay - I am venting on a different subject.
Today is my mothers birthday. Nothing, nada, zip from anyone. I am tired of having to do everything - and very anguished that body cares. I am only writing this because it is a choice between venting on this board or making an unfortunate series of phone calls I will regret later.

I am not looking for any suzysunshine advice - just a rant and a place to cry over the sad truth about human nature.

Vent away, Cat. That is so sad. I can see why you are angry. Better to take it out this way, with people who understand. Then you won't have a backlash from the family. Take care,
Carol

Cat -no advice but I am sorry and I am glad you choose this plan- I am not sure I would be so kind and you know this is where your support is, take care dear lady.

Thanks to you all. Our community is the one we turn to when stress happens. It means alot to be able to go to this board whenever we need to - whether happy sad or just visiting.

I am keeping her busy & she is having a great time. I played the dvd of a Rain concert (beatles tribute band) & did a singalong. She loved the prezzies from me & the dog - - taking her out again tonight. I am making this whole week her week.
even if I do have to squeeze in work.

Hi Everyone,
This is Barbees checking in. Cat I can relate to what you're going through. We had our Thanksgiving dinner on the 16 at my sisters. Not a single person paid any attention to mom and there were about 23 of us.

Cat you are my hero! You take a heartbreaking situation, and turn it into a rainbow week for your Mom. Thanks for the idea, and kudos to you. You are teaching me to ACT not REACT. Thanks again. Tell your Mom linda says happy bithday, and God bless you.

Cat, you are a wonder!
Carol

Oh my - Im not alone - Im a only child taking care of my mom and it has controled my life for 13 years - Im divorced - my child has moved away - and Im still taking care of my mom. Yes, there are health problems but is this the same woman that I remembered as a little girl? Who is this - she has turned into a monster and it is taking a tole on my health. Im in my 50' and I cannot do everything she wants of me any more.

Sheila You have found a place for comfort, support and validation. Keep posting and learn ways to take care of yourself, to get help for your loved one if possible, and say whats on your mind. Just being able to say how we feel is very empowering. And you are right, you are not alone. We do look at the person we're caring for and ask "who is this?", because they change from day to day. Welcome and let us know how you are doing. God Bless

Shelia, Lindam is right. Knowing we aren't alone is a huge part of helping ourselves and there are many practical tips, too, that are passed along. My whole mission has been breaking the isolation, as I spent two decades caring for seven elders, and there was little support. That isolation is a killer, few people who haven't been through it personally, can understand. This is a group that understands.

Keep posting and reading. We want to know how you are doing.
Carol

Hi Everyone-I asked this question before, was wondering if anyone had an opinion on it. My mother keeps telling me that there are people on roofs, taking off shingles, gutters, etc. when in fact there is no one there, she said they were on her roof on Sun. and called the cops! When I tell her that no one is there, she gets mad. Yesterday we talked about people getting sick and not being able to be alone, they sometimes have to go to personal care homes, she got mad and said everyone just wants her money, which is not true. She doesn't want to have any friends because she feels that they turn on you, talk about you etc. She wants me and my brother to be the transportation the entertainment and everything else in between. If I were to go somewhere on a sun. like to K-mart and she finds out, she'll get mad and say no one ever asks me to go, when in fact I might be going there to get one or two things then leaving.

How do I handle this without losing my temper and my mind.

Thanks so much, Mari

Mari, I have the same problem. All you can do is walk away for a while and cool down. There is no reasoning with them. In their minds it's real. At least she still knows who you are. Mine tells me that I'm that bossy bitch that meeds to leave and never come back. When she gets to you, go in another room and think about a nice (happy) place it seems to help with me. Stay in there in the end you will know that you did the best you could and you will feel comfort in that thought.

Barbees

Thanks Barbees for your advice, I'll do that, just leave the room, then change the subject. I usually stay after work for about an hour or two, then go home.

You hang in there too, keep me updated on your problem. Take care.Mari

Mari, check your moms meds.. specifically anything narcotic will people see and hear strange things. keep up your good work being a caregiver..

Thanks for the advice on the meds. Greekgirl, my mother is taking a heart medication, a blood pressure med. and a diuretic, do you think any of these would be causing her to see people that aren't there? thanks! Mari