Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

We all need a time and safe place for a "meltdown" now and then.

I was the primary caregiver for both of my in-laws. It's often the case, especially if there are mostly sons.

Take care, marmmy.
Carol

Hi all, haven't posted this weekend because I had a friend visiting from out of town but have been reading them all. Cat, I hope you got a positive answer about the machine for your Mom. I had thought about getting one for me as I take coumadin, and will for the rest of my life. Fortunately, my level is pretty stable now and I only need it checked monthly. But I know exactly how it is for you to have to take your Mom constantly to have it done, and it would only take a matter of seconds to do it yourself daily. I know that you can do what it takes to make them 'behave' but it is too annoying for words the way they make everything way more difficult than it has to be. Anyway I hope it will finally work out.

Brenda, glad to hear your Mom is doing so well. If she keeps this up, you won't be able to keep up with her!

Sandi, welcome to the site. I agree with you and Cat and the others, it is a real life line for me. It has amazed me to read what other caregivers say, that it is almost word for word the same problems and concerns that I have! I'm so glad to be a member here and have such support, and I would even say friends, even though we are probably from all different parts of the country. And I have to tell you that what you wrote about your faith, and also about being the best daughter you can be for your Mom, really hit home with me. I also depend very much on my faith, including sometimes wishing God would hurry up (of course I know, all things in His time), and I occasionally need a nudge out of 'poor me' and back into the real world, which is that my Mom needs me and I better stop with the pity party.
Thanks for being that reminder for me.

Carol, as Cat said, we're so lucky to have you with your experience and wisdom and knowledge and caring. I don't know what your current situation is, as far as whether you are still a caregiver, but anyone who you care for is surely in good hands. Thanks for everything you do as our 'fearless leader'!

Cat, the visitor this weekend was the man I told you about earlier who wants to marry me. I think I have realized and accepted that we have the best relationship as it is, very good friends forever. We had a wonderful visit, and I think we will keep it that way. Also, a friend told me that she has someone who she wants me to meet, and after giving it some thought, I have realized that it would be nearly impossible to have someone in my life right now. Besides the obvious, which is that we would have to be in love, it would have to be someone with no other ties, and nothing else for me to be responsible for, but also someone who could blend in with my life and join in. There really isn't any room for change in any direction the way it stands now, with my Mom as my main concern and all decisions made around her. But I think that's ok, in fact I have felt strongly since she had to move in with me last year that this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing now, and in spite of my (too numerous) complaints, I really don't want things to be any other way. I want her with me, and I want to give her the best life possible for as long as possible. And as much as it sounds good to think of having a partner in that endeavour, I really believe it's a job for me alone. I would appreciate your thoughts on that, and those of the others in our group.

I was lucky to have a long weekend, my doc went out of town to a conference and I usually take off work when he does, it's just easier that way. Tomorrow I'm off too, but my hospital requires each nurse to do a certain amount of community service time each year, and I do mine giving flu shots. So that's where I'll be tomorrow. Then do a few errands in that part of town while I'm over that way.

Guess I've blabbed long enough, but at least I'm not complaining like usual! Though I know this group is supportive, thank Goodness. I'm glad that I've had a few days to rest, spend time with my friend, go to church, read, watch some baseball with Mom. And I'm glad that I can always come here, to share the bad and the good times.

Thanks to everyone for caring, and hope everyone is doing as well as possible. Cat and Carol, if you're inclined, I'd appreciate your thoughts.

Jill

Can anyone tell me how to respond to someone else's comments on hear I am new and don' t know how

Hi sandy89, you need to go to the home page and log in, and once you've done that, you go to this particular discussion, go to the last comment, and there will be a box below that which says Submit your comment. Just type in whatever you want to say, and then click on 'submit' which is right below the box. Sometimes it takes you back to the home page and makes you log in again, sometimes not. When it is accepted, it will say something like 'thank you for your comments'. Hope this helps, and welcome!

Jill

Welcome, Sandy. If you have any problems after Jill's excellent directions, please let us know. If following those directions doesn't get you on, there may be a tech issue. Likely, you weren't logged in, or your computer didn't register it. I find that I have to log in each time, unless I respond to more than one question at a sitting, without going off the site. And that means, generally, I go back to the login page, put in my information, and then have to click "submit" once more. Then I get the green, "thank you for your comment."

Carol

Welcome Sandy

Thank you ALL for the positive feedback & comments. One day at a time.
Mom needed new sneakers - I found "new balance" sneaker store & took mom last night. I bought her cool black sneakers with orthodic inserts. She is good to go for her knee replacement surgery this Friday! God, please help me put my past to rest. So I can be a good and happy person all around. Thanks xo Sandi

When my Husband and I seperated My Mom and I moved into a Senior Apartment where I feel at a loss but she is Happy I found out about becoming her Caregiver through her insurance and I thought that would help both of us to take some of the stress of the finances and give her a little more security I don't treat it as job but just a supplemental income She wants me here 24/7 which she doesn't need it When ever I go out with my Husband she gets upset and throws in my face how I don't do anything on the Care Plan and that I always gone and that if she has to get up and put something in the dam microwave she could of lived by herself I do everything for her over and beyond what I need to but it isn't enough Then afterwards she says she didn't mean it that she does love me and my response is when we are in anger or hurting is when the truth of hearts are told She might of at one point but like my Son that stopped when I went back to my Husband and it is a constant reminder each and everyday Some days will be good then if I don't do everything according to what she expects then the words come up If you could see this apartment there is nothing out of place I even spend extra time in the kitchen when we have leftovers and freeze them in bags so she just puts them in the Microwave She acts like she is my boss and tells me I need to be here all day and then after the dinner is cooked and the dishes are washed and put away then I may go out and be gone from then till the next morning I go through an Home Care Agency who told me that as long as I follow the Care of Plan which I do the rest I work out with the Client I lost my patience and said if she wants I can treat her like a Client and not like my Mom To help you understand my frustration this person is my natural Mom but didn't raise me I was raised by her Mother my Grandmother who passed four years ago and she is the only Mom I had The one I take care of we are close but it isn't the same relationship There is distance between us and alot of words unsaid because of the things I went through in my Marriage Part of that she went through I feel at times she depends on me to much and that she stays with me because she has to which makes a bad sitition My husband wants to get back together and sugguests with all the problems I find her another place to go but I can't let go she is Family I did tell my Mom before she passed that I would look after Her My Mom also said that she was wrong for keeping us apart and it was time that my natural Mom and I got to know each other but I really blew that Forgiving and Forgetting doesn't come natural to Her Sorry this is so long but I get so tired of all of this My husband helps me financially since I am not working that many hours with my Mom I appreciate the help he gives but I feel like I am been torn in two I am hoping when I start picking up more Clients and go back to work which is what she wants maybe the Tension will be less not only with her but my husband Thank you so much for listening I could go back sooner but I am lacking a car which I am hoping buy the beging of the Year everything will be better Blessings Deborah

I wrote in before about my mother seeing people that aren't there. yesterday she told me that these "people" were on the roofs taking tiles, then she said they were taking copper from the houses, she described them as being dressed in combat fatigues, and having covered faces, when I tell her no one is there, she gets mad. she called her neighbor over to show him and he simply told her that they must have gone. does anyone have any ideas on what would be causing this? thanks, and God Bless all caregivers.

Dementia can cause paranoia and hallucinations. Also, the taking copper thing - does she watch and read the news? She likely saw this on TV. Copper is valuable and people are stealing this from construction sites. She's confused about reality and news (TV news was the worst for my dad - every war was being fought in the streets of Fargo, ND!).

This could be her dementia or it could be caused by medication. Only a doctor can figure that out. I know how frustrating this is, but your neighbor was right on with his answer. Arguing won't help. Hopefully, some medication or a change in what she takes can help, but sometimes it doesn't and you have to figure out how to live with it and cope. My heart goes out to you, as this is one of several of the hardest things to deal with.
Carol

I have been so down in the dumps lately-the husband only cam home the hospital on Sun and it strated before then-I did get him 3 more days in the hosp by calling medicare so now his wounds are healed for now. I am so sick of him being so dependent on me and not wanting to even dress himself I can't imagine do this for many more years he is only 71- I do not want to get out of bed in the morming. I am having eye surgery on Fri and of course have to go alone. I am able to get done what needs to be done but want to run away from home and should not complain you all have it mush worse than me.

thanks to you, Minding our elders, I'll tell the cardiologist about this, but even before the heart meds. and the BP meds. she started this. You're right, she doesn't seem to be able to distinguish what is going on, she does listen to the news and read the papers, she gets confused and will often say something that my brother said, when in fact, she is the one who said it. thanks again and if there is any way that I can help you, let me know. Mari

My mother is from the hills of Ky. She is 87 years old and has Alzheimer's. I have been her caregiver for about 10 years now. I bought the family home about 3 years ago so she could stay here with me. Lately she has been getting up at night and going to the bathroom on the floor. I have wall-to-wall carpeting in the entire house. My sister who thinks its funny sugest that we get her a bedside pot. I don't think it will help because she doesn't recognies the toilet when I show it to her.She doesn't just go in her room she has gone inmy room and my granddaughters,too.What really amazes me the she can squat and pee and not get her feet wet or fall down. And she also was on Arecept and become violent to the point of being physical. Took her off that and tried a patch called Exelone. It is working great.

Barbees, My father was diagnosed w/Alz in 2003 & the doc thought he had it for awhile. Aricept made him very sick. He is on Exelon pill 2xs a day & Namenda 2xs a day. I swear it has actually made him calmer (oh and Zoloft - heavy doses of Vit B & folic acid too) & much more aware of his surroundings. He actually seemed to get better...

195 Austin "I have been so down in the dumps lately-the husband only cam home the hospital on Sun and it strated before then-I did get him 3 more days in the hosp by calling medicare so now his wounds are healed for now. I am so sick of him being so dependent on me and not wanting to even dress himself I can't imagine do this for many more years he is only 71- I do not want to get out of bed in the morming. I am having eye surgery on Fri and of course have to go alone. I am able to get done what needs to be done but want to run away from home and should not complain you all have it mush worse than me."

I can relate totally! I am alone in this... last night I did call some California family members - who rarely call & they actually asked this time "How are YOU?" Usually, it's how's Chris... with no mention of me. I really think they sort of are amazed I have taken care of my birth father for 6 years & have not gone completely bonkers... but, I do have negative vices that I am determined to quit - I know it's a very negative way to calm myself down - cigarettes & wine... I'm not a everyday drinker or anything... but, after a week... I get so pent up, I either go out with Chris... (who loves beer & cigarettes, but, should NOT be doing either) & have a few & then a few more at home. I know it sounds terrible... but, being all alone... is tough... I have 10 cats & the dog... they actually are pretty easy to care for! In any case, I'm trying to get back to exercise, proactive communication with people who are sympathetic. You have to take care of yourself 1st... and today I made that my Number 1 cause. I sat Chris down & explained... no more cigarettes or alcohol except maybe one at a nice dinner once in a while. I told him he needed to get up out of bed everyday (he'll lay there all day & mope if we don't go out... and he is able to do things still... it drives me nuts! - and I start feeling guilty about him laying there, and decide to go out where there is real life! (Generally down the road at Johnny's - a pub)... But, my health is suffering from giving in to my stress & his give up & die in bed attitude. I don't now if any of this makes sense. But, I am starting to put up boundaries or I will die young... I intend to live long and healthier from now on... and do the best I can!

KYCADY
Thank you for your reponse, it really helps when others respond to your pain. I have to have eye surgery today and have to go alone which probably makes me more upset and tonight we are celebrating our grandson's birthday so have to do things when I get home and if the surgery does not fix the problem will need to have cateract surgery and am not sure I will be able to do it on my own and will have to ask for help which I hate to have to do. I have one cat that I love and he knows when I am upset and sticks by me like glue- again thank you dear lady for caring about me, I also have a beer or two when I am depressed which is not good for me either. I hope I can help you also.

I am a paid caregiver and get to go home everyday, but my stress level is thru the roof.I am with my client 5 days a week and here lately Friday can't come too soon.I just need to vent sometimes. Her family are loving and caring, but one daughter recently lost her husband to cancer,the other is going thru a divorce. When I try to talk to the primary contact, I just feel I am waisting my time.
When I first started working with my client, I was basically thrown into the situation with very little information.I understood they were tired and worn out, so did not contact anyone when certain problems arose.My understanding was my client had Alzheimer's. She does not have Alzheimer's, but does have dementia. I am spending too much time on issues that need to be addressed with the family. For instance, she is on medications that are past their usefullness in her sitation and I can not get the family to listen. I take responibilty that I am not communicating well enough to be heard. Any suggestions? As crazy as my client makes me at times, I still want her to have a quality life. I need some time off, and will take it soon. The family will just have to figure it out. Please let me hear from ya'll as I do need support and suggestions. LindaM

Kycady
I know how it hurts when people always ask you how Chris is as if you are chopped liver when he use to go to Church with me occasionally everyone would make such a fuss over him and I was the one who make sure he was looking nice after tending to him for hours and barly had time I comb my hair and forget makeup or earings or anything. At least you are able to go out with him-my husband always says something mean or a putdown or argues with me so I will not go out with him and forget him going to pub for a while with him-he would not do it for me.

Roxie, it sounds like you may be at a stage in depression where you need to see a doctor. It's so common with caregivers doing all you are doing and having few choices. Medication can help many people.

It's sad, but many of us lose our "friends" because they don't want to know about our lives and we don't have time for them. I think sometimes they are afraid the same thing could happen to them, so they want to deny the facts.

Please do get some help for your depression and please keep coming back here. At least you know you have people who understand. Breaking the isolation is so important, and caregivers know what you are going through.
Carol

Hello,

I am new to this website ... but am hoping for some advice. I am trying to help my mother in law get her life back again after her husband's death (married for 25 years) two years ago. The past two years have been rough for everyone especially for her ... she still has not been able to get herself back into any regular activities any kind of daytime structure. She sleeps frequently through most of the day (and is often up much of the night).

She is 77 and does not have any mobility issues per se. She has been taking antidepressants for quite some time. She is fine when she has someone to be out and about with ... but sleeps most of the time when she is at home. She has very few friends. She drives, shops and lives on her own. I find it hard when she sleeps all hours - and then talks about all the things she isn't getting done.

I know she has been through a lot ... not that I know what it feels like. I so wish she could get back on her feet - find things in her life that would make her happy or give her pleasure. But... that has not happened and I don't think it will happen now ... I get stressed when I find that she is not getting herself going, is staying in bed (or going back to bed). I think this is still depression?

Sounds like she is still depressed, but only a doctor would know for sure. Have you considered inviting her to one of those retiree/senior day and/or weekend trips where you go along with her for the first time, get her on their mailing list and she can take off from there for any subsequent trips in which she may be interested? There are many of those opportunities in just about any U.S. city, not to mention weekendholiday trips, museum trips and a whole lot more. Otherwise, if she is sleeping all day and piddling around her home at night, it sounds harmless to unless there is something going on. Sleep cycles chage sometimes and if she is retired, no harm would be my take. You may also consider inviting her to an early movie once a month if you don't mind her company? If she is able to live on her own, and has no dementia, she has earned the right to be eccentric in her habits, up to and including talking about not having enough hours in her day to get things accomplished. We will all grow old and become incresingly eccentric is my guess

Thanks Sunshine,

We took her on holidays last summer and it went pretty well - we let her sleep however late she wanted (usually until some time in the afternoon). I've shared with her some info on the local seniors rec centre - she states she isn't a "joiner". We've done a few mother in law/daughter in law getaways that she has quite enjoyed. She does fine when I go with ... but doing it on her own is another story and unfortunately the rest of my life is filled with stress. I find that when she sleeps "all day" I have a hard time with it. Mostly because I wish I had even a little more time ... and she has too much that I think she just sleeps it away. So part of the issue is with me ... and I think I do better not knowing that she is sleeping her days away. I am thinking maybe not calling until the evening when she is most likely to be awake.

She states she has lots of interests that she is now free to pursue ... she just doesn't take action. I know that doing new things at an older age is difficult so I do try to provide some support to get the process started.

I am trying SO hard not be judgemental about the situation ... especially as I don't know what she is really dealing with on the side and how it feels ... I am just trying to figure out how to take care of me (and the people I take care of work all day long in my work). I will see if one of the seniors tours might get something happening ... thanks.

You are on target thinking that if it helps to alleviate your stress even to a small degree, calling her in the evening may be your best self help strategy. Don't be so hard on yourself, though. Anyone who is a caregiver has to actively try to judge less and accept more and I think we have to first recognize that we are judging our loved ones looking through our own lens, rather than anything else. You can't make your mother-in-law do anything she does not wish to do. The other thing is that there is nothing wrong with being a homebody, whether one is younger, or a mature adult if there is nothing else going on. It seems like we all judge seniors who seek less activity as if something is wrong with them. It all depends.

hey where is every body how every one had a great weekend it was cold and wet here is wis notas bad as ND so i wont complian see just goest to show there always some one who has it worse. mia

i am proping my feet up and having my afternoon coffee. Rainy here today but very welcome as we have been in drought for many months now.Hope you had a good weekend .

My husband was admitted to the hospital on Sat. with his usuall cellelities and open draining wounds and is being discharged after two days so he will not be in long enough to qualify for rehab by one day. The doc and case manager act like my thoughts are not important - I am only his caregiver the Patient Advocate tried to help me out but was over-ruled by the case manager-so I called my husband and said since he does not NEED rehab when he comes home he can start dressing himself and getting out of his wheelchair and do some things for himself for a change- our insurance covers rehab in a nursing home. I fixed my room up nice so I and my cat can stay in there much of the time, and he can go out and do all the yard work he wants and the next time he can get his own way to the hospital when he loses a leg or foot he can be placed.

Stressed out and surfing the web. Found this site and finally feel not so alone. Husband has dementia and finding it hard to deal with. Father with Parkinson's also. Been married only three years and step-children refuse to believe Dad has problems. They blame the "wicked step-mommy", lol. Thanks for the input of how everyone else deals.....

LostInLimbo

Hello fellow caregivers,

Nice to meet everyone. I had been doing so good but today is an example of how I feel. It is raining and cold the pretty colors of the trees are disappearing. That is how I feel I felt alive now I feel as though I am fading into the background once again.
My mother fell the other night. She did not get hurt thank goodness. This was the first time I had went shopping and was having a good time. Like I told the girls at school. My life is boring you can tell when grocery shopping is a highlight.
While shopping I get a phone call from my daughter that mom had fell. She has been forgeting to put her brakes on her wheelchair. We assume she forgot again and sat down and the chair moved on her. She has marks on her back and elbows and her tailbone hurts. Just another day in my life.
Well today I had planned on going shopping for me, but guess what I do not get to. My daughter has plans and so does my husband and none of them include being with my mother or me. Therefore I get to sit home once again while everyone does what they want. I know this may sound selfish but I am going to say it anyway. Why don't the family ask me if I want to do anything before they make all their plans? Do they assume I always want to sit at home all the time. All I do is go to school (Yea for school at least I get out and it is productive). I come home take care of mom and study. Then on weekends I get to stay at home and clean house and do laundry (their laundry). I do not get to go anywhere. In fact this was the first time I went grocery shopping in about two months. My husband does it while he is out doing his thing on week ends. I guess he thinks he is helping but does not understand he could clean the house and do laundry one weekend and give me a break by going shopping. Or at least get out for a while and do something for myself.
Mom's short term memory is getting worse, but her health is doing very well. I am thankful for that. I am having a depressing day and sorry to drop this on you guys. You have enough problems of your own without hearing mine. But it does feel good to write it down.
I hope everyone is doing well!
Take care
Roxie

Roxie hi again. I really feel for you it seems the more we do for them the more they expect- it is not fair but they know we will do what needs to be done. I just was told my husband can't go to rehab because he was in the hospital three times since rehab so those days count against us he has to be home 60 days. Iam waiting for the doc to call me to go get him-but I decided to be SELFISH and called the husband to tell him I was doing the errands first instead of after he came home like I usually do- it felt good to think of me for a change. Whenever you are having a bad day let us know-you know we care esp. me- I should not complain I have it better then you do. I finally sat down and made out a budget and had to cut down one day a week for the aide and he took it well- he has a full time job anyway. My husband is getting very forgetful but of course I am the only one who sees it. Last week we got a lot of extra furniture moved into our new small barn and was finally to fix up my bedroom nice and the sunroom also so I can be by myself more.
lostinlimbo welcome you will find the most great people on this site and it is nice to have another spouse it is a good place to get love and concern and advice and a place to just let your hair down-hope to hear from you often it is so good to share the good and mostly the bad.

I have not read all the posts so I don't know if this particular issue has been covered.

My mother is about a level 4 in the cognizant test range. Her short term memory is poor. She is not able to manage her medications, or drive, but has lived in her home so far. We stop by several times a day to help. She will be going to an assisted living very soon as she does not appear to cook or reheat dinners unless we (3 of 4 adult children) do it for her.

Here is the main issue. She has always been anxious, opinionated, somewhat harsh and controlling. We tried to take everything in stride as it rarely was extremely out of line. The verbal abuse is horrendous! She says she doesn't mean it and doesn't know what she is saying, but she can also behave in situations where she wants to. She also can be very manipulative when she wants something.

This last Saturday alone, I counted 18 phone calls on the caller id, 3 voice messages and one actual conversation where she accused me of taking her Cream Sherry. I was a thief, I stole from her, how could I be so rotten etc. She didn't have any cream sherry as we are strictly limiting her alcohol intake to 1 or 2 small drinks a day. A week ago I was called crazy, stupid and a brat for trying to leave when she was yelling at me. I was told Thursday to never come over again because I wouldn't bring her a bottle of wine. She will abuse alcohol if it is left at her house so we leave very little. Oviouly she has a drinking problem. She abuses people for other reasons, too. Either they are ungrateful or nasty or something.

We try to not let her engage us her when her mood is faltering, because it will only get worse.

What can I do to take this in stride? My ex/late husband was a verbally abusive alcoholic also. It is getting harder and harder to hold up under this abuse. I want to visit my mother with enthusiasm and love, not dread.

Blondie

blondie My heart goes out to you to be in that hostile environment. It is so hard to not take things personal, but we all do. My client can be so hateful and sarcastic sometimes and then turn on the charm when her family is around. Its very crazy making at times. I watch her manipulate situations to make her family feel guilty and all I can do is shake my head. She has days of being very critical of everything I do. I am very agitated and stressed on those days. We want to be kind and helpful, never mind getting thanks, just because we have to live with ourselves and answer to a Higher Power. Was she an abuser of alcohol before she became ill? you said she was going to assisted living soon, so maybe you can do for a short time what you could not do the rest of your life. Be patient with yourself and realize you are human and be grateful you aren't so jaded that it doesn't bother you. That was how I was by the end of my fathers life, and it was just sad for him and me. It does seem as tho they are playing games sometimes, when they hurt us and then don't remember. Please take care of yourself and maybe after she is in AL, you can have time to regroup before you see her again. you know you are not a thief, as hard as it is sometimes you just have to go on about your business as if ugly words were not said. You hang in there and keep posting, this is a great sight and you will get alot of positive feedback and support. Let us know how things are going. God Bless

This is just how it is folks! I spent my share of time cleaning up those messes, too, and the humiliation of the person was the hardest part. Adults don't like to have to be helped in that manner.

About the drugs - so many medications cause potassium loss or other important nutrients, and when diarrhea happens, that makes it worse. The side effects can put people in the hospital or even kill them. And yes, older people are more at risk.

My father-in-law was hospitalized and everyone seemed baffled. Then they did a potassium check. Anyone on a "water pill" for heart conditions should have regular potassium checks. Whey wasn't that done routinely? I'll never know.

It does make one wonder.

Carol