Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

How are you now, 2 years later? i hope you are not clinically depressed and your family has not suffered. I could not do what you did/are doing. Being stressed and sad all the time can kill you and it can hurt the one you are trying to care for...I hope you got help and your family is happy and safe.

Dear Roxie, your post touched my heart. I have no doubt that you also touched your mother's heart in many ways. Even though it may seem she didn't know you all the time, at some level, she did. And your love and attention probably helped her feel secure and safe. Never discount that, and your precious contribution to her life. I can't imagine the depth of your emotion right now, though I have no doubt it is very intense. Please remember to be gentle with yourself, both today, and always. Remember your human limitations. I pray the Lord bless you and your mother, and give you comfort and peace. You're not alone, and he cares. Sending reinforcement through prayer. God bless you for your tenderness and compassion toward your mother. Take care.

Roxie, I am keeping you and your mother in my prayers. I walked down this long, scarey road with my mom until she died this past February at age 89. I am still grieving and the pain in my heart is unbearable at times. She was my best fried, too.... I have taken care of her most of my adult life and she lived with my husband and me the last 9 years of her life. Her birthday is on July 4th and I think I am going to have a harder time than I did on this past Mother's Day -- my first Mother's day without her... Cherish every moment you have with her and when she passes on do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself because you will be flooded with emotions of every kind. God bless you and keep you strong.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you Roxie. Even when it's totally expected one can never be fully ready or prepared for that moment. I wish I had been at my dad's side when it happened, but I wasn't. I rushed down to the hospital after the news and said my goodbyes then. I hope his spirit was still near enough to hear me say goodbye to him and that I loved him. Be comforted in the fact that you have been there for her through this entire process and that you did the very best that you could. Remember the good times--remember her as a strong woman. That's how I try to remember dad--as the strong, caring, intelligent man that he was before that horrible disease ravaged him. She will finally be at peace, and she knows that she will always be loved by you. It's a long road taking care of a loved one. You'll find yourself still traveling it after they pass, because there's a great deal of different emotions that hit you. All I can say is try to stay positive and remember the good times--both when she was younger and while you were caring for her.

I know the feeling, I am taking care of my father who doesn't like to listen, he is 99.
I am now dealing with diapers because he likes to wet his pants and other things I try to get him to drink water which will not do, but then he get dehydrated with that his memory get back because he doesn't drink. But he will not do it because then he goes to bathroom all the time. But the doctor told him to drink to help his bladder spsams. I just feel like its the same day over and over like in ground hog day. My family that is my husband and children help me. But as for my brother's and sister's nothing, I know that they are older they are in there 70's and I am only 51 but the last time my sister came to visit she didn't even stay at the house she stayed at a hotel, no offer to stay with dad while my husband and I got time to ourselves that has happen only two times in the two years that we have had my dad. They tell me to call them if I need anything... What I need is a day off right now I feel like crying and screaming at the same time.
I feel like I have gone over the edge.
Going nuts

FeelingNuts,

Have you thought about hiring a caregiver (for starters) a few days or hours a week?

I think you need a break. If you want to take baby steps - a caregiver would allow you and your family to out to dinner; shopping, a movie, whatever. I think you need it.
A caregiver could also help with transportation to/from doctor appointments, etc.

That said, when you get to the point where you are in diapers and your adult children are cleaning you up . . I think it's time to consider a nice facility if your father can afford it.

My personally ~ I want the nice facility when I'm that age. I do NOT want my son changing my diapers!

Hang in there!

I feel for all of you !!! Same with me.... I em going crazy and had to be out on Anti-aniexty pills they need to be upped... Family always excuses .There either going to Hawaii or aruba while I'm here stuck not only with my mom but husband also. He need's care also boy I could go on . Prayer's are with all of you ! Cindy

Hey Feelingnuts...Call them! Just do it. They want you too, so do it! On the other hand...is there a gentleman in your church that could stay with him for a weekend?

If he is a veteran you can also have him stay at a VA facility where they will offer respite care. For anyone out there, this is available so contact your VA social worker and get details. We used this service for a week a few weeks ago and it was so wonderful.

Hi-there always seems to be one family member that gets loaded down with everything whether or not there are brothers and sisters. I am an only child and the responsibility was on me anyway. I chose not to deal with a nursing home because I know how they are. It can be very hard on you. My dad passed away almost two years ago, but I remember this site being a great way to vent. Whenever someone responds to certain threads, I still receive an e-mail now and then. I was crying all the time and taking tranquilizers to sleep at night. Looking back, I probably wouldn't have changed much, but it would have been nice to get a little in home help I could trust. Not sure what state you are in, but just be careful if you do hire in-home help. California has some quality agencies, but most are bad these days(no background checks, working caregivers as "independent contractors" so they don't have to take any responsibility--that kind of stuff). Do not deal with them unless they background check, check references and do drug testing. Also if they work their caregivers as independents, that means the agency doesn't want to deal with anything except collecting money--they won't have your back if anything goes wrong, and these types also do not take taxes out of the caregivers pay. Above comments are good ideas. Veterans are offered 30 days respite per year I believe. Also re: checking into your local church or any other organization you belong to who may just have someone kind enough to help you out for a few hours. As far as the family and friends who always say "if you need anything.." and you do, and there's ALWAYS an excuse---eh, don't bother.

I am also an only child and my husband and children are done dealing with all of thise. My father died 10 years ago and I have been at my mothers beck and call ever since then. She has BPD and DNP ... I have been over backwards every day, including moving her across the country with us several times. She is now in assisted living and although I need to still take her docs, get groceries, etc... it is sure a relief. I don't understand how anyone could do 24/7.. I pray for you all!

One of the hardest things about this is that we lose our loved one twice.... once during the decline, where we can no longer recognize the person in front of us, plus having to deal with the day to day and minute to minute stuff... then loose them again at the end..... you are doing a wonderful job and always give yourself credit for being a human first then a caregiver...... yes, crying is our outlet, we have to let it go somewhere, that doesn't mean we are weak, it means we are tired, frustrated, lonely, and overwhelmed..... in any other situation we would not judge ourself so harshly, we would cry and not think anything about it... be good to you, many here are where you are, have been there, or will be there..... this sight is a life saver... welcome... and keep in mind when the tears come, you are being a human "being" and not a human"doing"...... hugs across the miles to you....

Thanks for the input, I am checking into getting a caregiver to come to the house.
Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I know that I am not alone in this finding this site is a blessing to me, It's great to know that there are people out there doing the same thing I am doing with even less help. I just wish family's know how hard it was to do. Not sure what caregivers did before having great web sites like this. Prayers to all of you

feelingnuts- hope ur day turns into a good day today ...
prayers to you .

I am so glad I found this site. I have only had my mom living with us for six weeks and I am already doing the alone crying in my back yard and front porch where no one sees me. I had no idea my sweet, loving 88 year old mother would be treating me as she does. She makes demands all day long...no please, few thank you's. I am her personal servant all day long. I have lost all control. Today it's tearing me apart and I came to the computer to escape. I haven't had a moment's time to spend with my husband. Thanks for the "hang in there" messages. I do my best to constantly remind myself to appreciate the treasure of having these days with her. Why does she make this 58 year old feel like I'm ten and not being the perfect child?

They do that because they are the parent, and we are the child. They don't like the roles reversed so they try and take control every where they can, My father did that to me to the no please and no thank you. I had a little talk with him and told him that I was not having that and I was not his maid, If you dont' put a stop to it that will be all that you get done, I know that it hard but they put us in charge, so unfortunately so sometimes have to stand up to them or they will run us over.
Keeping you in my thought's imjoyous

imjoyous i was where you are just 2 and a half years ago. I found this site and it saved my life. My mom became the taskmaster and she became at times someone i did not know. I am your age and the hardest part was knowing when to stop "letting" her be the parent and realize that I had to take control. It was so new seeing her all of a sudden not being the strong mother that had always been able to take care of herself to someone who did not know she couldnt take care of herself the same way anymore. There were so many nites I was away from my kids, being a single mom it was hard, but I would come to this website and just type. The best part was finding out I was not alone. My mom is gone now and I did not want to hear this then believe me, but you will look back and yes you will wish for one more day with her. Yell when you need to yell, cry when you need to cry and hug her when you need to hug her. I have to honestly say I would love to have a do over but if I did I would not have been me. You still have to do you. I loved and cared for her the best way I knew how. It is what it is.......I have a tear running down my face right now just thinking of her......tomorrow she would have been 75. She was my best friend, my angel, I was honored to be her kid, and she was hell to take care of. But we had so many moments together that have forever changed me. There is NO WRONG WAY TO DO THIS. Hug yourself today. do something for yourself that you were not going to do anyway. Be the gift that you are and rest assured that even if the thank yous are not heard.....the things we do are like pebbles in the water....it starts like a ripple but it turns into a wave somewhere along the way........much love and a warm thank you to this site......thinkin of all of you........huggles!! mary k.

I am a caregiver to my mother and father. My parents have been divorced for 44 years. My father's second wife died, so I invited him to live with us. My mother is 91 and my father is 93. My mother is severe memory loss, and just likes to sit on the coach and read. My father on the other hand either sleeps all day long, at least 13 hours. When he does get up he is always mad, slamming doors, making mean under the breath comments. He and I are always fighting and arguing. I recently quit my full time job to spend more time with them, but as of late I am realizing that I have made a mistake. I am to the point where I can't stand to be around him or do much with him. Please don't think I am an awful person, but I can only take so much abuse. I find myself spending a lot more time in my bedroom, and this is my home. I have no brothers of sisters in witch to talk too or to send them too, to give me a break.
I am so sad at the way things have gone, but I keep trying, but getting tired.

Thanks for reading, Patty B.