Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

Always put your kids first. I've dealt with the same crap over the years--I got to the point long ago where I never told my dad anything about my personal life. If I told him I had plans to go somewhere--guaranteed the plans would be sabotaged. Usually by some imaginary illness. Now that is REALLY IS ill I take him less to the doctor!! (I guess now he doesn't have the cognitive reasoning to make up the illness of the week)Some people love to be miserable--which is unfortunate. They don't seem to realize that the reason people do not call--share their lives---or visit anymore is because of their own behavior. They are clearly their own worst enemy. I always made sure I spent a LOT of time with my daughter-(still do). I never pull any of that "feel sorry for me" crap on her either (so don't worry about history repeating itself) The suggestion of not answering the phone is a good one. It took me awhile, but I had to put a stop to some of that behavior. When it's in their nature, it STAYS there and only becomes worse--and I'm stuck with an 87 year old brat still today. It feels good when there are those times that you just say "no". As I stated, when he was in respite he wanted to come home right away--it felt great to tell him to "deal with it". They are our loved ones--and we sometimes take way more than we should from them because we love them despite their rotten behavior. I'm stuck in the mud for now until I can make arrangements, but when I was younger and dealing with his manipulation and his imaginary ailments I learned to ignore it. Don't let it interfere with your own kids--and if you have to- let your mother KNOW that. I'll be a hypocrite and suggest doing that in a nice way--I didn't--it took a lot of shouting matches to get through ---although it never seems to truly get through--there's a very self centered core to people like that and it's like trying to reason with a doornail--no matter what is going on in your life, you are NEVER going to do enough for them (in their mind) Do a little calculating and I'll bet that you've gone way above and beyond and done more for her than most people would.

Sister,
You are sooooo right. Again , great advice. If you don't take care of yourself, no one else will!!!!!

Thanks, lovingdaughter. You're always a blessing. And beyondfrustrated, that was a great post!

Boy do I feel your frustration. My mother is 82, still able to do for herself, drive a car, go shopping, etc. but I swear, one day she is Goldie and the next Sybil. I have two sisters, one drains my mom and dad dry and they seem to live for it, my other is a professional and she and I get pulled into the middle of everything. She will call us and not ask but tell us to help her to stop my sister's son from stealing from her or cussing her and when we do we are told to mind our own business. My middle sister and I are told that we are stupid, that we are only after what we can get from them ( they have nothing I want and even if I did, my youngest sister who is 44, has already taken it, her and her a=hole children). My middle sister and I have both been to college but my youngest has been so enabled to do nothing, the most important job she has ever held was to dispatch and drive taxi, which isn't to say that is not a good job but my parents will tell people, my oldest is a nurse my middle daughter is a Paralegal but our youngest daughter drives taxi and will go on for a half hour about her. I know that sounds like a jealous comment but believe me, it is far from that. I was raised on guilt trips, she would pretend to pass out or she would go weeks without speaking to me because I wasn't worth the effort. I have always bent over backwards to help. She took care of people in our home, she was very good at it, but when my mom and dad wanted to go somewhere, they took my sisters, who were 10 and 16 years younger then me when they went and I was left to clean house and care for the elderly in our home. I could go on and on but right now I have my husband answering the phone, I don't want to talk to her and I don't want to hear her voice. I don't feel guilty for the anger, I feel more anger at the anger if that makes sense. Enjoy your kids and tell mom when you have time you will deal with her. Take it from those of us who have been and still are there. I will be 61 soon and I am tired of it. I learned when I lost my son that live is way to short to allow anyone to rule you with guilt. All mom had to do was snap her fingers and I was there irrergardless of what I had planned, I even wrecked my car going to her house in the snow and my daughter broke her nose, mom said stop being so stupid, there is nothing wrong with her and went about her business. I have since move a thousand miles away and look at my identicall. For my own sanity, it was the best thing I could have done.

I am so glad I found you guys! I have been my mom's caregiver for years but up until this past spring she was able to get around the house on her own and we could take her out in a wheelchair. Now she is on oxygen 24/7, has developed some form of dementia and can hardly even stand even with the aid of a walker. Sometimes she "sees things" and thinks my husband and I have voodoo people coming in to pray over her. I have an aide that comes in a few hours each day to give my husband a break (he works nights to be home with my mom during the day) but I pretty much do everything for her. I get up an hour early each morning before I go to work so that I can put her on the potty chair (in my living room) bathe and dress her (then she goes back to her bed -- which is a hospital bed in my living room). My husband get her breakfast and pills together, the aide comes for a few hours and when she leaves my mom will sit and watch TV until I come home from work. We all eat dinner together, my husband takes a nap before going to work and I "entertain" my mother every evening. Some nights I do her nails, some nights her toenails... Most nights all I want to do is sit with her in the living room and watch TV (actually, I sleep through almost everything that's on) and then its time to lift her into the wheelchair, wheel her over to the potty, get her nightgown on, lift her back into the wheelchair to wheel her over to the bed and then lift her into bed. Whew, I'm exhuasted (she's a tiny little thing, but she's dead weight)... She has started to cry a lot at night and some nights she calls for me every 5 minutes. My friends have pretty much gone underground. Every once in a while someone will ask if they can "do anything" for me. HUH???? It would be nice if someone would offer to sit with my mom some evening so that my husband and I could get out for a "date" or if someone would surprise us with a diinner (it gets exhausting sometimes just thinking of what to make let alone make it). Other than my wonderful husband I have no one, I am an only child and he, too is an only child. His parents are both deceased as is my dad. I feel very lonely and isolated. Some days are good, others not so good. And I HATE it when people say what a wonderful thing I am doing, but they don't know if they could do it... UGH!!! It is good to know there are others out there like me! Hugs to you all!

Welcome jaczyns1! Hugs to you, dear only caring for your mother. Bless your heart for all you and your husband do. She is so fortunate to have you. Thank you for sharing your story. I know you'll find lots of good reading here. And you are definitely not alone. There's always someone here to listen and understand. Like you, many feel exhausted. And no wonder! Just look at all you do. Wish I could send over a meal to you, but don't even know where you live. And date night; what's that?! LOL My husband and I haven't done that in years, but we're blessed to have a young son, and are caring for three elders. Sometimes it's overwhelming. I pray you find some answers here. Take care, and keep writing.

The next time someone asks if they can help say yes can you come over once a week for a hour or two so I can take a break or suggest something then you will know if they really mean to help and if one person does it others might also I know I wished I had not done it all by myself for so long -my church brought us food when I hurt my back last year and it was so appreciated and I no it is hard to ask for help but you really should take help from others to make your life a little bit easier.

My mother-in-law is living in an asst. living place that is really nice. They have a room there for just such a time as when you need to leave your mom or dad with capable hands, and need a break. It costs $ per day, but it's worth checking into. I think it's called a 'respite' care room. Probably any asst. living place has them.

Bwthrs, have you ever point blank told one of his children that you need them to sit with their dad on a certain day because you have things to do? If they say 'no can do' then maybe you ought to be telling them they can start deciding which one of them is going to take their dad in. Either they free up one day a week between them, or...(fill in the blank) It's time for them to grow up and think about someone other than themselves. I wouldn't hesitate laying on the guilt either. You know what they say, 'guilt, the gift that keeps on giving'. ha.

Hi Everyone haven't been on for a while. Things have been pretty crazy around here lately. Well, it happened I got the foreclosue papers Friday.I really don't know what I'm going to do . I (we) have lived in this house for over 50 years and it is part of my life. I am trying to get on disability for my back and depression but it is taking forever and then there is a chance that I will be denied. Mom is getting worse about the bathroom thing, she keeps going on the floor in her room. It's not like the bathroom is so far away ,it's in the next room. I think since she was from the hills of Ky she would just go anywhere outside and her carpet is green so I think she thinks it's grass. I called the lawyer that is in charge for the forclosure and he said that it be sometime early next year before anything happens. I hope so. Because I have no place to go. I do hope everyone has a good holiday.Barb

Barb, will be praying for you and your Mom.

Hello to all-just wanted to let you know that my father passed way yesterday afternoon (Dec 10). He was in a short respite stay and obtained pneumonia. His frail body could not handle it. I will miss him terribly and try to remember him as he was, not what he became over the last year. I want to thank you all for helping me through this and not making me feel so alone--bless you all

You and your family are in my prayers. If you need us, we are still here.

Beyond I am so sorry about the passing of your Dad and hope you will be able to still be a part of this great group and God bless

Hello 195 Austin....How are you doing?
I am back on here needing to vent once again....
My mother has been in the hospital 3 times this year....
Home health has brought up hospice.....I do not know what to do...
The doc told us yesterday that her bladder has dead tissue on the back side...so many things could happen and no one knows except the Lord....
I am trying to hold it together but slowly I am wearing out and down......
any suggestions from anyone.....

Dear roxie, you are a sweetheart. I will pray for strength for you. You must be very tired. Yes, the Lord knows how things will go. It's not pleasant waiting, sometimes, though, is it? I understand fatigue. I pray you can find some quiet time to spend alone, then give it all to God. He has it in his hands, anyway. You can safely rest in him, and wait and see what he will do. I'll pray for your mom, too. I pray for wisdom for those doctors, and for your mom's comfort and care. Also, soothing balm for your emotions. Grief is a tiring thing. It can take a lot out of us. Remember that crying cleanses us. I'll be doing some of that, also for you. I know how hard it is to see our loved ones fail. Have you called Hospice yet? They can be very supportive for you, as well. It wouldn't hurt to call and ask some questions. Take care of you, being gentle with yourself. Remember, you are not alone.

Hope you all will have a bit of time to relax this Memorial Day Weekend!
I read your drug/side effects comments with interest. I cannot believe that the doctors aren't more careful - like explaining side effects up front and checking in on how their patients are progressing...
I thought my Mom was the only one who couldn't tolerate drugs. The doctors she had all acted as if my Mom was some sort of aberration. My Mom couldn't tolerate any of the classes of BP drugs. One specialist told me - in front of her - that she was imagining the side effects because she had read the pamphlets which come from the pharmacist. He did, however, believe the side effects which were documented such as the 4 trips to the emergency room when her face and tongue swelled up like a balloon and the month where her legs swelled so much that the skin was about to burst. However, the nauseating dizziness, the hives (undocumented although I saw them) and the time I thought she had had a stroke because she made no sense whatsoever - those the doc told me were in her head. (I wonder how elderly people are diagnosed with dementia when it is the bp drug which is causing it? )When I objected - the doc told me it was my negative attitude that was causing the side effects!????

Altersheim, they don't call them "practicing physicians" for nothing... I think I'd be getting mom a new doc. They play God, and aren't, and discount a son or daughter's input. Disgusting! You are her best advocate. I don't trust docs or meds or the govt., but that's a different story. I am looking to have my dad's meds changes, because I wonder how many of his side effects are caused by them, though we KNOW he has dementia, or Alzheimer's, or something... And it's hard feeling helpless in the face of such nasty diseases.

I'VE caught many of mistake with doctors,some life threatening.The more arrogant the doctor or nurse the more mistakes.Humble doctors are the best,they keep in mind they are human.Once they were going to cut my dad open to put in a pace maker,when all he needed was a medication adjustment.I wasn't a doctor,but I knew his symtoms better than anyone,so I stepped in,that is why it is crucial to have family around.My dad said doctors kill about as many people as they save and it best to stay away if possible,but it comes a time you can't do that.

Tennesse and SecretSister,

Thank you so much for your support! You are both so right on! Yes, I found a whole new set of doctors who fortunately listen me. This is one of the reasons I won't let my Mom go to a nursing home - because only I truly know her symptoms.! The doctors and nurses don't have the time, energy - and sometimes, unfortunately are too arrogant in their 'knowlege!' It's funny - my Dad never took us to the doctor (unless it was an emergency such as a bone break or appendicitus) nor would he let us take any medication at all - over the counter or prescribed (again, unless absolutely needed like an antibiotic) - and he was a doctor! Now, I understand why... However, for some reason I thought that things had improved in the last 30 years. Secret Sister - don't forget to throw in profit driven corporations into the mix!

Wishing you both a great holiday weekend!

SS, you don't trust docs,meds or govt, neither do I. I think tennessee and I would add lawyers to the "no trust list" too. Anyway, when I was caring for mom, before she disowned me, I was appalled that her doc had her on 19 meds when she supposedly had stage 4 cirrohis of the liver(among other illnesses). On one visit, I asked him about dementia (told mom I was going to ask beforehand). He asked her the date,her age, her address, the president's name. When she answered, he whirled around to me and sneered "she's fine". Well, alrighty then. I don't trust him as far as I can spit but she thinks he is her friend. Yeh, a friend to her wallet.
Oh, yes, add one more thing to the "no trust list" . . . my mother.

when i first got dad out of nursing home , i wasnt aware of his behavior at the time . he kept saying the words over and over it stuck like a broken record . creep me out , took him to hospital and they sent him to behavior clinic . kept him there over a week . i finaly brought him home and lord behold theres more meds added to the list .
i looked up the internet to see what its treated for , wow ! seziures , bioplar , alz , i felt very uneasy about those mmeds . i felt bad too cuz i didnt know why he s behavin like that .
he gotten worst and lost 30 lbs in a month , dyin he was . i kept hearing inner voice tellin me stop those meds ! so i stop giving it to him ,
he bounce back up and feltbetter and put on some pounds .
all those drugs that the bevahior givin to him was killing him slowly .
i realized that it is his dementia and he cant help it if he sounded like a broken record . its something that ive gotta deal with and it sounds like music to my ears . ifhe gets outta hands so bad id give him his xannax and it works just fine . alot better than those bioplar , seziures meds , cuz he dont have thos epblms . just dementia is all .
altersheim ,your dad is a smart man ! he knows !!

Alwaysmyduty, In that boat right along with you. Professionals often can't be trusted. Their records get stuck too and assume all caregivers do not have their loved ones best interest at heart. Years ago when my mom had CDiff the doctor tried to say that I had been starving her when it was his associate that gave her the course of IV antibiotics without warning her to replenish the good bacteria. That litterally almost killed her. If I hadn't dropped him on our next visit to the hospital I'm sure she wouldn't be here today.
Thank God the Emergency doc told us we could change docs going through Emergency!!! What a good man!!! Since then, every time I go with her to hosp I stress that I don't want him anywhere near her!!
LHARDEBECK,
Good thing you caught that with his meds. So right about the trust thing. Although they tell me there is no sign of dementia; my mom also has the broken record syndrome and irrational also. From what I've seen on this site in just the past few days, I can deal with it better and now know better.
Thanks

Roxie,
I am way more new at this than you are and I noticed something you said in your last post. You said your mother does great and then all of the sudden it changes? Really??! When this happens with my grandmother, I think I am going crazy. I can never understand WHY there is the change. I always ask, "what did I do differently?, what can I change?". I can't seem to get a reason out of any doctors. I just don't get it. Does this change happen with your mom b.c of a medical reason or is it unexplained?
Good luck!!!- and crying breakdowns- I am with you on that one!! I feel better afterwards. I think we just all need to get it out.

oh wow, I just looked at the date on the post and it was 2008- I hadn't realized the posts weren't in order by date. sorry!!

altersheim, your dad being a doc, and the things he taught you were invaluable. Sounds like a good man.

Tennessee, your words, "...crucial to have family around..." are so true! But we don't always have the answers. Sometimes we do, though, and need to have God's help through prayer when we don't.

godhelpus, I think you'd agree with that.

lhardebeck, sounds like you were listening to God's guidance with your dad. He does listen when we speak, and will direct us when we trust in him.

glueiton, hope you're finding the answers you need on this site.

I feel like I'm failing my dad. I don't have all the answers, and even when I do have an idea that my dad needs something different, the staff at his nursing home and their "system" relies on government protocol to set policy. I hate the intrusion of the government, who don't care about individuals, but their own agenda. I think we will find things getting worse in the days ahead. Even as a family advocate for my dad, the "machine", or "regime" is more powerful then an individual advocate. They will dictate treatment decisions based on their agenda, etc. I feel like a lone voice in the wilderness, as even my family think my dad is "fine," when I know he's NOT! I am there almost every day, and see the signs of medicine overuse, and neglect. I will be praying about the changes that need to occur. Dad's behavior was dangerous, which is why he couldn't come to my home. He placed a bag over my then 7 year old son's head, was wandering, getting lost, and getting into neighbor's mailboxes. He was going into neighbor's houses, looking for "whiskey," and he was violent. So coming to my home was not an option, but my heart is breaking with the lack of treatment and care they give at even the best nursing homes. We have two dads there, and they sleep a lot. Sickening! What a sad situation. Wish I knew what to do to change things, but am searching...because the funds aren't there for private care for our two dads. The system is killing my loved ones, including one in subsidized housing. How anyone can overlook the obvious problems with this is beyond comprehension. I grieve silently, praying for a solution.

My wife and I are at the decision point when it comes to my mother-in-law, who lives with us, has dementia, and can no longer walk. If it were just a matter of picking her up, transferring her from point A to point B, feeding her, and giving her meds, we would not be even considering moving her to some sort of care facility. But the problem comes when we consider the stress level it is causing my wife to suffer. My mother-in-law gets into these modes where she yells out and hates everyone, especially my wife. She is really starting to hallucinate and can be very combative and uncooperative. Doctors are continually adjusting her meds but nothing seems to help. My mother-in-law is either combative or heavily sedated. We can't seem to find a happy medium. We do have in-home help, but we can sense that these people are starting to becoming very nervous in trying to do their jobs. We would like to keep her at home but when does my wife make the decision that she has done all she can and she needs to begin thinking about her own health and sanity?

Your wife might be waiting for someone else to say it is too much for her like I was -a very wise counsuler told me I was waiting for someone to rescue me and that was not going to happen and so I made the decision to place him-ask her if she thinks it is too much for her.

I am feeling the need to vent. I was Primary Caregiver for my MIL. I finally got thru to my DPOA SIL that my MIL needed to go to the drs. office to get tested for a more than probable UTI.
She made arrangements for my oldest SIL to take us to the dr. but sounded like this was not convenient for her (oldest SIL). I knew my husband had gone to work early and would possibly be home in time for her appt. (He just started a new job). I called him and he said he could.
Anyway, she had been having mini seizures (no shaking tho) from 12 noon on Sunday, the 23rd and they were having trouble getting her to the car on Sunday evening to come home. On Monday, she woke up and was fine all day and all day Tuesday until we got to the drs. office. She got up to walk over to the walker and just went stiff and fell against the car. We also were going to ask her about having HHAs in thru the night (because she was probably getting up to go 10-12 steps to the b/r during the night). We could explain some of the bruises, but not all. She was on Coumadin (blood thinner) and since she's elderly (almost 79 yrs. old) her blood was getting thinner. The dr. said she may have to quit Coumadin and wanted a Direct Admit into the hospital. My 3rd oldest SIL was talking to my husband on the phone (she hardly visited my MIL) and screamed at him into the phone, "You know she's going into the Nursing Home from the hospital!" Who was she to say that to him when my husband helped out when he wasn't at work and she hardly came to visit.
She probably thinks she could because she is a nurse. ...and the DPOA SIL said she tested negative for a UTI. I accepted that and then later I thought about last July when she was treated for a UTI. In the drs. office, it came back negative and the dr. sent it out to a hospital lab, and it came back positive. So, he put her on Macrobid. So I called the hospital and told them about last July. They made a note of it. It had come back positive from the lab. My DPOA SIL had been wrong at both times. ...and she's a nurse also. I don't have a nursing degree and guessed right. Then I talked to someone at COA and found out Medicare only covers Nursing Homes IF the patient goes directly from the hospital--NOT from a private home to a NH. The last time that my MIL went into the hospital and my DPOA SIL was adament that she was going to a NH & at that point, we had only taken care of my MIL for three (3) months, so when my DPOA SIL found out that Medicare would only cover a certain # of days, my husband & I talked and we offered to bring her back home. This time, my DPOA SIL was very adament and put it to a vote. It was 4-1--so she wasn't coming back (and she was adament about her not going into the NH a month and a half ago). So I was talking with my husband and he said since DPOA wouldn't hear of her coming back, then he wanted everything out of the house by the end of the month (May). He wouldn't make the call, so I did. My youngest SIL came by and got some things out and the rest of her furniture is going into the garage to be dealt with by my DPOA SIL (I'm guessing--if she doesn't send somebody else to face us).
...but she only has until the end of June to get the furniture out or it goes to the curb for the garbage man to take.

When I entered the sentence "Who was she..." I should have used a question mark instead of a period.

I should also explain 4-1 (4 being the 4 daughters for the NH and 1 being the 1 against the NH).

Since I'm not blood, I don't count--even though I was Primary Caregiver.
...and DPOA SIL had said a while ago, that I was like a sister. She probably doesn't even remember. Let her take control like she wants.
I'm done.