I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
This is so very sad. I am a huge hospice fan, but I have found lately that they aren't all "created equal." In fact I wrote about it this month. I've been reading on this forum about too many hospice situations which surprise me. I now realize I was spoiled.
Still, you may be right about your being a nurse. That should not figure in to this. She is your mother and you are in as much emotional pain as anyone. But, if they are overwhelmed, that may be their (unfortunate) rationale.
People are still chatting away and "venting" but they are on different threads. These threads sometimes take on a life of their own for awhile and then people drift to another question.
We are thinking of you and we are with you in our hearts.
Carol
Carol
It's always a roller coaster ride as you all know. Last night he shaved himself and was so sweet to deal with. This morning he clogged my toilet at five a.m. and repeatedly flushed the toilet and flooded my bathroom. I'm constantly having to make up contraptions to keep him from nonsense. Now it's a cardboard cover on the toilet handle so he can't flush (he never flushes the damn thing anyway unless he's thrown something in there that doesn't belong there) Respite stay coming in 5 days---I cannot 'freakin' wait. To be able to take a shower without someone beating on the door, to have company over without a drama show,to be able to sleep at night without being woken up with nonsense, to not be accused of nonsense---- 10 days of normal!
i am going to bring dad home this tues from rehab , they dont take good ccare of him butthe phyiscal therapy is wonderful .
in a way i do want him home but in other way i dont want to bring him home cuz he has gotten worst . hollarin whiney and i am scared its going to be 4 times hard work for me ...
i enjoyed my freedom sept 25th till here soon . i tried to do everything i want to do but end up didnt cuz havin to go back forth to nursing home and here home . been busy every weekend to stock up all the firewood , get ready for winter .
a very confsuing moments and scared what it be like to bring him home again .
We are all here for you. Some days are tougher than others. So let us help you with your burden of grief.
I have seen good hospice and bad hospice in my area. I beleive it is the nurse that makes the difference to me.
I have only worked with hospice in the nursing homes, so that may be different than in your own home.
I am writing just because I do need to vent.
I am not having a good week-end. Everything is starting to close in on me again. I go thro this every once in a while. This is just another time, but it is not easy.
I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself. My mother has lived with us for about 3-4 years I have lost track.
I have no privacy. I never have time for myself at home with no one there. I just want to kick back in my own home and be alone for awhile. Is that bad of me?
I do not vent to friends because they have their own problems to deal with. I feel like I am being whiny since I did make the decision to move her into my home.
I do not regreat it at all. But there are days I wish I could have her gone for a day.
Am I wrong in feeling this way?
he willbe coming home tmr and im feeling sick to my stomach about it cuz i enjoyed comin and going as i please , aftertmr it all stops and i willbe a prisoner inmyown home again .
dont feel bad about that . i keep teling myself well winters coming so u be stuck at home anyway . might just swell enjoy pa all over again ....
Thank you iharebeck I am not the only one.
That in itself makes me feel better. I guess misery love company.
Now I know I am not alone
I will be thinking of you each and every day. I am sorry to hear about your mother.
Never look back at what might have been.
Everyone here knows you did a wonderful job taking care of your loved one.
You keep in you the good times and let the rough times go.
Thinking of you!
Our prayers are with you. This is such a difficult time and you need support from those around you and here too. Thinking of you.
Linda
DDARKANGEL , CHECK IN SOON , MISS HEARING FROM YOU ..
It also scares the beejeebies out of me because my husband and I are preparing to move in with his parents because they are having health problems and totally refuse to move out of their home. He built this house 55 years ago and they have always lived here. They have accumulated "stuff" for all of this time, too.
It is getting so hard to maintain their house and yard and personal selves and go home and try to take care of my own home.
We are moving from a 3300 sq foot house to a 1000 sq ft of space. We are going to rent our home out, pack and move most of our stuff to a storage unit and live in their basement, which has to be remodeled. Now it is just a basement. We are having the tiles tested for asbestos. It will need about $10000 worht or updates just so we can live down there. But we are basically saving them a lot of money from having to pay for assisted living.
My dilemna now is that I am getting very nervous about this and even though my heart tells me it is the right thing to do, my head tells me that "I am crazy" and so do my friends. My kids and my husbands siblings (who live out of state) are supportive.
Do any of you have any positive feedback or a good suggestions? I would appreciate hearing from you.
You are uprooting your lives to accommodate them, and that is commendable. However, this is not going to be easy. Take the picture in your mind and triple the stress and loss of privacy and independence. If they were in hospice and had a limited time left, then of course, this would be a no brainer.
From the way that you described them, they are just set in their ways and are happy to have you do a 180 rather than bend a little to make things easier for you. My parents refused to leave their home. Dad died at 92 and 4 months later mom was made to move in with us. No way was I leaving my home. Six months later a contractor bought her home and tore it down since it was such a mess. It could not be remodeled. This was do to the fact that they stayed in the home too long and could not keep up with it!!!!!!!!!
Also, the out of state siblings are supportive. Of course; they are not disrupting their lives and are relived that you two will do it for them!!!!!!!! See if they will take turns and measure their reactions. I could never do what you are planning to do, but you have our support. I just think that there has to be a better way. Do you two have POA? for banking and real estate? See a lawyer immediately, one who is an elder lawyer who knows how to set up a trust!! This way you can protect their money. Good luck.
Linda
i can just hear dad get all upset . which im leavin here soon to go see him . very upsetting...
Lately I've read several postings from people who poured their hearts out after losing their elder - be it spouse or parent. You might want to consider what you really want at the end of the day - and start end of life planning at the same time you are making where they live decisions. It may end up saving you untold grief and possibly even recriminations after they are gone. Just be honest with yourself and don't be seduced by someone else's story when you will have to live with your own. If it means long term care, so be it - if it means pissing off your surly teenager and keeping mom at home, so be it. If it means armtwisting siblings to help go for it - just remember to focus on the end, not the now.
There is a great deal of wisdom in getting the end-of-life paperwork done long before any emergency arises. Thankfully, Austin's son helped save her from a financial disaster. Work with trusted companies. Check with the State Bar Association if you are looking into an attorney and don't have other references.
As far as elders moving in with you - that is very, very touchy and personal. For some, it's the very best move. For others, it's a disaster. It is something that must be carefully considered, because it's harder to "undo" once you've done it than it is to not make the move in the first place. If everyone can have some privacy and there is mutual respect, it
often works well. But when family dynamics aren't good to begin with, it rarely works out.
You are all so generous in sharing your experiences so people can read through and see what situation most closely fits theirs. Thanks for being such caring people.
Carol