Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

Haven't posted in awhile. I usually only do when all hell is rloose and I need to come on here and read other stories.Siting here on Labor Day (appropriately or ironic I guess) still dealing with dad. There seems to be a pattern of two weeks of calm and then a week of hell. Guess which this is? He has been doing ok here and there, but I feel like a damn cockroach--it gets worse and I adapt--then it gets even worse and again I adapt. When will it end? I've read a couple of the most recent posts where the caregivers hope that it will in fact, end. That is how I've been feeling these last few days. This needs to be over--it's the worst thing I've ever dealt with. Saturday he informed me he would no longer eat. He did, late at night of course when it's fun to disturb the household. He's been acting very weird again-taking off his pants and briefs which I hate hate HATE. Piss on my carpets, crap on my bathroom walls. I have to constantly buy bleach and lysol. I feel he is slowly destroying my house. I'm so angry right now, but I figure maybe banging it out on my computer might make me feel better. I've also read where some of you have had issues with parents that have controlled or tried to control you throughout your adult life. I feel the same way with that also. always in my damn business giving me some self righteous speech on how to live my life. I couldn't wait to be away from him, then my mom dies (20 years ago). I started codling him and I am deeply regretting it now. He never moved on and always relied on me for everything. He is now a sick, demented 114lb 86 year old man who couldn't punch his way out of a wet paper bag and he is STILL running my life. What the hell happened? As I have stated, I am an only child and I am stuck with this. My daughter is the only one who helps me. I have checked to VA benefits and they only give me 4 hours weekdays and they made it clear that they would not help in actually getting him out of my house for a few hours (which is what I really need) I have him set up for respite in late October so my daughter and I can take a trip to Arizona. What am I going to have to deal with when I get back? Will he die when I'm away? Then I'm going to be guilty. I feel absolutely trapped--it's awful. I've been good about crying, but as I type this I cannot stop. He will not SLEEP for some reason. He has been up for 36 hours. I have given him tranquilizers and they won't work. He will eventually fall if he keeps this up. I can't sleep either of course because he's at the height of crazy right now and I cant reason with him. I know a home has to be the next step. I have had him in my house since January and I feel that I've aged 15 yeas. Anyway, thanks for the vent and the posts--misery loves company

Get him out of your house. He needs more care than you can give. There has to be an alternative. You deserve better than this!!!!!!! Have you had a Geriatric Assessment for him??? Call your hospital and make an appointment as soon as possible. God Bless you.

I agree you need to get him out of your home and where he can get the care he needs he will kill you and then where will he be if he has funds he will have to use them for home care or to be placed and if he has none he will need to go on medicade and do not let them make you do the leg work it is up to the social worker to get that done if you can get your hands on what is needed do it if you can not let them so it -they did it for my mother in law she had destroyed all her papers out of spite somehow she thought it would get me in trouble-she hated me- but when her funds were gone the nursing home did it all. He may know what he is doinf since he gets food at night but do not let him bring you down.

beyondfrustrated,
Listen to Austin. She has had lots of experience. We all have had some on one level or another. Get the paperwork rolling and leave nothing to later! Austin is correct when she said that the socila worker needs to do her job. You can supply lots of information, but they need to do the work. Good luck and God Bless.

I am just trying to imagine us, this whole subculture of people in america standing in our showers everyday just crying. We are all out there silent and just plowing on every day trying to make it work. Because we love our parents and want to take care of them whether they like it or not. Bless us all!

My mom makes me crazy. She just suggested that I take her food shopping with $100.00 so that she can buy lots of food to cook ( that means I cook) for a dinner that my cousin is coming to. Have seen him 3 times in 40 years!!! When I told her that we are getting take-out she was aghast! I said," Are you standing in front of the stove cooking for 10 people while you are trying to stage a house to get it ready for sale?" She shut her mouth. Pizza anyone??????

Lovingdaughter good for you for standing up for yourself I am so proud of you we all have to learn not to let others take advantage of us I did late in the game my counsular told me I was always waiting for someone to recuse me and it was not going to happen I had to do it myself which I did and was so surprised when others listened to me-I always felt I was the one wrong.

Roxie, you may be experiencing a 'low grade depression'. Find a mental health facility that accepts sliding scale fees (2 bucks an hr)
and talk to a psychologist who will determine what is best to re-float the ship. After 19 years I became stuck, and this is what helped me. Continue to do your best! Jerome

y'all are great!!! I've been surfing through all the posts and so many reflect what I am going through. I started out giving my all to my friend and it's never enough. I look at it through her eyes and I know that she is scared and humbled that she can't do for herself anymore. Enough is enough though. 24/7 care is unrelenting and her demands are over the top.

Question: How do you finally put your foot down without getting angry? I am at my boiling point.

Set Boundaries. Many of us have learned that one the hard way. For example: Mom knows that the kitchen is closed at 9:30pm and that bedtime is 10:00pm. She can watch TV for 1 hour and then, lights off. I need my sleep. Also, no getting up in the middle of the night!!! That is what disposable underwear is for!! If she wakes me up, I will look for other arrangements for her. I have insomnia and she has to respect my right to sleep.

Also, no complaining that I have people take care of her so that I can have a life. She does that and out she goes. I sound so cruel, but if you don't, they suck the life out of you. We just had an argument: "You said that when I came to live here you would take me shopping and that we would go out every week!! " My response : "if you don't like it here, leave! You didn't have arthritis, Parkinson's or incontinence when you came here. I am only one person. Maybe your son will take you out!! Oh, that's right, he doesn't even come to see you! " Case Closed!!!!!!!
I love my mom, but I will not let her treat me with disrespect or like a doormat! She has a beautiful home to live in, surrounded by her own things,great people to help me take care of her and a son-in-law who agreed to let her come and stay with us.
So, you need to decide what will make YOU HAPPY. Because if your not happy, you can't continue to be a caregiver and protect your own health! Good Luck.
Linda

I have written off and on for the past six months or so.. and as was stated previously, I only seem to get on when I am at my wits end. I have been told to set boundaries and have been doing pretty good at doing so. My mother does not live with me, so I feel very lucky there!
I was sick this weekend so was not able to visit her. I did manage to take her laundry to her and pick up some groceries, but she was not home. Sunday, I was down out and she called me several times to tell me she was hungry and bored and why wouldn't I come and see her. Now, she lives in a retirement community, she had the choice of going to the clubhouse to eat and then watch a movie or play cards, but she chose to sit in her apt., so she could call me and find out why I wasn't there. When my husband went out to get take out for us..she cried that he didn't bring some to her (he can't stand being around her).
Today, I'm at work (I'm a teacher) and she called me on my lunch hour (30 minutes) to tell me that she has found a lump on her rectum, knows that she is dying of rectal cancer and I need to leave work and come right away. Keep in mind, that no matter what is wrong, real or imagined, she tells me she is dying of cancer.
I told her that we have a doctor appt. next week and it can wait until then. She then begins screaming and yelling about how I don't love her, what a terrible daughter I am, why I always seem to put my kids and family before her when SHE should be my TOP priority.... I wound up hanging up on her and going back to work...
This is pretty much constant. She thinks I should be her top priority and resents any time that I spend away from her. I have been spending more and more time away from her, cuz no matter what I do it is not enough and we always end up fighting, but hten I have to deal with the phone calls about how I could do this to her. My kids and husband can't stand being around her bucause she is so negative, cries all the time and will only talk about what we have all done wrong, or what we are doing wrong. I am 51 years old and have yet to enjoy my live and my kids, who are 13 and 17, since she intrudes on every aspect of our lives..
Sorry, about this, but I really needed to vent today. I feel so lost at times.. and then have these crazy thoughts, like when she says "I'm dying of cancer" and my first thought is "how soon?".. Sorry, can't help myself today.
Dede

Dede its ok. sometimes you just need to say it outloud to get it out of the space. My mom is dying of cancer and my kids and I are taking care of her and we go thru the same stuff. I look up at god when I hear here telling me about the chicken breast we should cook for christmas dinner this year......I love her but hope we dont have to go thru that this year. I know I am going to hell....I love her but I have said good bye so many times ...and she keeps bouncing back. It is what it is......and somehow you have to take care of you and your kids first. Boundaries are your friends......I would be lost without my kids they keep me so on track......Nothing seems to make her happy enough, and you never quite do it right. So I surrender! I never will do things quite right. lol. I just sit there sometimes and am there. Let here spin her wheels and do what she needs to do. Some days I have to remind myself that SHE is the one who is dying because some days it feels like I am.

You may already have done this but if not, contact the Area Agency on Aging in your county. You can look it up online or call your local directory assistance. There is help for caregivers in every county although how much help differs in each part of the country. Some Agencies on Aging have resources for caregivers such as "respite services" where your mom could go to a nursing facility for a week so you can recharge your battery. You'd be surprised at how much this kind of stress zaps your energy and a week off may be just the thing you need. But that would be just a start:there may be other programs that would make your day to day life a little easier. The people at the agency on Aging are aware of the programs that are free or sliding scale based on what your mom could pay. Caregiving is very difficult:finding help in an on line community is a great first step: keep reaching for all the help you can.

i feel a little guilty saying this, but, it feels good to see so many people i can relate to. anyone else just looks at me like i am an alien and wonders why i am doing this. i wonder that sometimes too, it really gets lonely, i have been doing this a long time, but i feel it is the right thing to do.

i use to place pictures of mom around in her younger days to remember her. pretty, vibrant, always doing for others. the other day i came across a picture of her from after my dad's stroke; a church directory picture showing a still lovely little old lady becoming frail. i cried. now she is 90, totally helpless and bedridden for the past 4 almost 5 years. she has one visitor for an hour on sunday, it upsets people to see her as she is. how sad for them.

this is hard and unless you have done it you have no comprehension.

dbrown,
You are so right. My brother never comes to see mom unless it is a holiday and he gets a free meal. Her own son wants no part of her care. Mom does not understand money and has no idea what it costs to care for her. Thanks God we have a trust, but that too will be gone someday. The burden is lest to me and my husband. If I had to do it all over again, I would have had an agency all along and no private care that wanted cash. You can't account for that. Now I have to wait 2more years for the 5 year look back to kick in. Still dear brother wants no part of her. How sad. She has been with us for 3 1/2 years and it feels like 20! What I hate is being treated like a servant who does her bidding. She needs an attitude adjustment. She treats the hired help better than she treats her own daughter! I know she is frustrated and angry for what she has lost and can't do anymore, but it is not my fault. We are selling our house to move to a 55 and over so that we won't end up in the position she is in. I am a quick learner!!!

O, how my heart cries for all of you, and for me. We're in the same boat, and the waves are rocking. Grief, anticipatory grief, and helplessness. We try to help, but nothing satisfies. They flail at the wind, knowing not what they are fighting, and not knowing that we are fighting for them, and for ourselves. Sometimes the waves seem they'll consume us, but we find the strength to carry on. I worry more about the calm before the storm, because it seems one's always brewing, though I don't worry much, as one is always just around the next corner. Thank God we have this site, and each other. Kind of like peace in the midst of the whirlwind. The captain holds stays the anchor, and quiets the raging sea. One day, I pray we look back, and see how well we sailed.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, ladies. You write what I cannot sometimes. Never be ashamed of that. You tell my story, too. I feel strengthened by your presence. Thank you. Take care.

This is my favorite thread. You all understand the anger, resentment and frustration. Followed by the guilt for feeling anger frustration and resentment. I know its not rational but I am truly offended that Gramma doesn't recognize me. She knows my Mother and Brother both of whom barely come around, but My Nephew and I who do all the heavy lifting she doesn't know from Adam. I know its crazy and I will get over it but today it pisses me off.

ok ok we need a funny here.....i was telling my mom today who is in hospice for cancer, I told her i found this great website where people who take care of their parents chat together. We both had the same funny thought, can you imagine if the parents had a secret website and the things they would be saying about us? My mom was sitting there nekkid and the two of us were laughing so hard it was nice having my old mom back for a few minutes. We were cracking up. LOL I got her the new fake boobs she wanted and now she wants a new vibrator......I am starting to wonder if we need a second opinion here LOL..have a great one guys.....

Let me know where you get this "equipment"!!! Could use some of it around here!!!

LOL EBAY!

Y'all are so great! Just when it seems like nothing is fun or funny anymore, the fake boobs and vibrators pop up (no pun intended). I love this thread too. It keeps me hanging on! xxoo to all you angels out there.

LOL! These last few were funny. Being stuck in the house you become a fan of ebay. I was always afraid to look into the adult stuff because when you log in again it pops up with stuff "you might be interested in" from your last viewing-- jeez, am I regressing back with dad here or what? Also funny about all the ones we vent about having their own site---"I hate my neighbor from 1940!" "Where are my pants?" "Wasn't ME that pooped on the floor. but they all blame me for it!" "They're trying to control my mind with these damn pills!"
I often just look at him and think "what DOES he think about?" I'll never quite get it.....

Mine does not want to live with me, she said I should move in with her and "visit" my husband and home down the block. She refuses to have in the home helpers or go to a nursing home. HOW and WHEN do you override their wishes and impose your will on them???? I am losing my mind

You over ride her wishes yesterday! She has no right to ask you to give up your life and put your family behind her. Would she have done this for her mother???? Left you and your family when she was the mother with a husband. I think not!!! Remind her that your family is your first responsibility and that she must have extra help and not at the sacrifice of your family!!! Get POA for both medial and financial. Hire someone and let the chips fall where they may!!!!! Good luck

It is a constant battle with them. My father pulled the exact same crap because he didn't want to live at my house because there are 'too many rules" (yeah, tough,unreasonable ones like keeping your damn pants on and not wiping your ass with your hand) Sorry to be graphic, but just making my point. He then decided it would be best for me to move to his house and deal with all this. Unbelievable! Not like I have my own house, roots, a job, friends, pets etc. Let me just spend 24-7 dealing with his BS. It never ceases to amaze me how selfish they are--no matter what you do you're doing it wrong and/or not doing it enough. There's probably not a day that goes by where I don't feel like a real b*#*, but it has to be done. I've gotten help where I can, although that's not enough either. I'm just thankful for the good days. As I've mentioned in here, it goes two weeks good, then one week horrible. I can't figure out why that is, but something recycles itself somewhere. As another posted, I wonder if your mom would have given up everything to care for a parent? I KNOW my dad would never have done so. He often commented on what a controlling horrible woman his mother was, never giving him an ounce of privacy, always preaching at him about how to live his life, always trying her best to sabatoge his relationships. I always have to pick my jaw off the ground when he does this----and it's always part of the shouting matches we get into when things boil over. "You know what buddy? You are EXACTLY like your mother---100 times WORSE!" I've long past the point of caring what he thinks about certain matters--it's for his own safety and my own sanity. I do the best that I can---I have hobbies to take my mind off things, a little help here and there when I can get it, and when the time comes to where these horrible episodes actually stick and are permanent, then it's time for a nursing home. I know one of these personalities will solidify sooner or later, I hope to God it's the quiet one, but that's usually not the way it goes. Anyway, respite care stay coming up in a few weeks (I feel like a little kid waiting for Christmas) He's in there 'till after Halloween and I am going to enjoy myself! No damn diapers, no messes, no rambling, no accusations--hopefully just some peace and quiet and some fun.

Kudos to you! I could not live with my mother. I know it makes me feel like a bad peson but I would not be able to do that and keep my home, husband and sanity. We recently had to put my mother in a nursing home because of diabetes. My sister took her over to her house to visit today and mom was worried about getting back to the home in time for dinner because she likes the good food they feed her there. That is a complete 180 from how she has been telling us she wants to live back in her old house. It is helping us to know that she is starting to enjoy being around other people and we know she is taken care of 24/7.

Oh beyond you made me laugh....yesterday i was helping my mom bathe and she too likes to roam around nekkid...so she sat her bare butt on my white comforter.......ewwwwww. not sleeping there without washing it....just a follow up on the vibrator...lol. My mom keeps asking where her vibrator went so I told her I threw it out to save her dignity so the grandkids didnt see it. The other nite it was so late around 2 am and I was tired she kept buggin me and saying "wish I had my vibrator" so I just told her "use yer finger I am going to bed" lol.....so the next day she tells me first damn thing in the morning..."I tried to use my finger last nite but I was too tired" , she has a catheter in too go figure...good thing I didnt let her pick the first donut! I will miss her so much. I know what you all mean about respite care. My caretaker has moved in for two weeks so I can act normal for a few....but what am I doing? sitting home worrying about my mom. I LOVE SLEEPING IN MY OWN BED YIPPEEEEEEE! my bad.

ddarkangel,

You are sooooo funny. I would give anything to have been the fly on the wall at your mom's. My mom said she wanted to give some of her things to my brother. Stopped that one dead in its tracks!! She just doesn't get it . At least you can laugh at your situation. Keep us in laughter! Thanks.
Linda

linda i gotta laugh. my mom is so bush talking about chicken breast for christmas.....my daughter and I put up her little christmas tree.....see i AM going to hell. She laughed about her little tree lol. If I didnt laugh I would be the one needing the twilight sleep! Which I gotta tell you the hospice social worker was discussing with my mom. So now she keeps talking about her "twilight sleep". Has anyone ever heard about them doing that without IVs and at home? I gotta thank that guy........he is also the one that told her that she wasnt done on earth yet and that she should have whatever she wants........I am going to pack her up and send her to his house....lol...nite nite all take care. We are all out there together somewhere sipping blue martinis.......^V^

Wow we must all be busy..no one needing to vent? lol..I cant thank you all enuff for being here....Its these long nites I have been dreading that have now come. Mom stopped eating several days ago and not drinking much now. Endless diarrhea.....I dont understand how she can still be doing all that. The meds they are giving me dont seem to be helping and the hospice I chose really sucks.They will see me monday maybe? I think they are taking advantage of me because they know I am a nurse. I am going to try and do this myself because I promised her that I would. It is just hearbreaking to watch my mom wither away so slowly.....I whispered in her ear this am that it was ok to go......I hope she heard me......huggles to all. ^V^