Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

Go for it, Austin!
Carol

Thank you something needs to be done we were lucky to have medicade supplement insurance so he was able to stay in rehabs longer which helped because our county does not give much help and I had to make a fuss to get 3 -1 hr aides a week and often they called and tried to bail out and our Gov. is a handicaped person and it has gotten worse since he steped in to fill the term of the Gov. that had to resign- he wants to close down hospitals and nursing homes I hope he comes near here and I will give him a wake up call -how dare he be so unfeeling-he will never be in our position because he has great health insurance for life and he has pleanty of money-but I am going to do all I can to help others that are desperate for just a little help we are not selfish just give us a helping hand.

You go Austin!

Hi Cat -catch me up on your life-you are one of my oldies but goodies-you were here when I first joined on- I am a little numb right now but plan to plant my meger garden tomarrow if it DOES NOT RAIN-will have a quiet holiday got 4 books out of the library after the memorial I will get back to my other vol. job at the library I have the best section overlooking our lake that only the rich can use but have a great view and have to get back walking on the trail-today my neighbors offered to help me with my lawn and for once I accepted help-shocked myself I usually guard my independence but just this once I can accept help I guess without the sky falling down. I am going to my nephews wedding-going with my brother and sister in law-I just can not get and get a new dress so am wearing slacks and a pretty blouse. Has anyone heard from Cindy I have not since her surgery-I hope she is well-if you here from her tell her I said hello-I will check later on to see if she still has a wall-my life seems so strange now- I still can not get it together but it has only been a week and am doing what needs to be done I will be plenty busy after getting through the new two weeks.

Hi Austin,

Glad you are taking it slow & doing some gardening. I've always found gardening to be very comforting too. Its a nice way to slowly shift back to normal mode gradually a day at a time. I hope you have a good time at the wedding and let everyone pamper you a little bit. You deserve alot of hugs & pampering - - caregiving takes up so much of our life that it will be a bit strange deciding where to re-direct all that energy that went into caregiving. I'm willing to bet that you will become a forceful advocate for the rest of us!

I haven't seen any posts from Cindy in a while - hopefully she is ok. Let me know if you talk to her.

Everything is pretty much the same here - my mom is still doing well and is looking forward to the fireworks tomorrow. She really loves the holiday& gets a kick out of the little kids sooooo excited at the fireworks. So no matter what happens with this economy & such tonight I feel like this is as good as it gets and am grateful for everything - that includes knowing you, Austin my friend. I'm sending a cyber hug & wish you a good week. Looking forward to hearing how things go with the wedding & all.

Hi Austin,
Had no internet for a few days. Glad to hear that you are getting help from your neighbors and have the fighting spirit. I know that you will be out there being a champion for our cause. Nursing homes do have to be revamped and yes, the system is not working. Good luck and we are all behind you!!!!!
Linda

Hi Cat, This is Cindy and yes everything is just OK Mom still has her Moods every 3 or 4 wks. but I'm dealing with it. Thank's to all of u guy's !!! U always think u have it so bad until u read other people's problem and wow, I know with help and my sister I can get through anything. Thank's for asking about me it meant alot.
Cindy
Happy 4 th !!!

Cindy-great to see your note-I had been worried about you a lot and am so glad to hear that you checked in as you probably saw my husband passed away on June 26 the kids- 41 and 44 and our grandaughter and I were there at the end and it was peaceful and he was able to recognize us all before he went into a deep coma and had so much wrong he would not be able to survieve so after the 3rd day we all agreed to take him off life support and he died peacefully 12 hrs. later at 4am we all were by his side as his heart stoped-he had chosen to be creamated and we are having a memorial service on the 22nd-I am so glad I had been working on the medicaide application so we had talked about what we would both want at the end so I knew his wishes and I know he believed and has salvation and his spirit is with God now and when I sit on our memorial bench at church and talk to him and another member who passed on that I talk to at least now I will get a chance to get a word in-I am sure the other spirits have already let him know he talks too much.

I understand also. My 88 yr old Mother is with us since a fall in her rent house. Doctors said she could not stay alone and we had a decision to make. In hindsite I wish I had taken her to a rehab cntr but brought her to live with us. Whew! Look into something called Respite Care. Nursing homes offer this service and it is designed to give caregivers a break. We are putting my Mother in one for 3 weeks while we go on vacation. The cost in my area is about $80 day, less than a good motel room. They get quality care, meals, all the services a full time resident would receive. Check it out!

That's a good deal! Not every town has this option, but I hope more get it.

Carol

I'm so very sorry for your Loss.. My thought's and prayer's are with u and your family. Glad to hear from u. Take Care of yourself. Know that he is in a better place and him and my Dad are talking away. Write to u again let's please keep in touch.
With Love Cindy

wbassman,
Good luck. Ours cost 3,400 for just 2 weeks. You are lucky. Enjoy your vacation.
Linda

I took my mom to the DMV today to get a new ID card. Although we had an appointment & she was in a wheelchair, the person at the intake window had us take a number & wait in line. I was too tired to argue, so we waited in line. Once we completed her paperwork & she proudly got her thumb printed, we were once again directed to a line of 30+ people for the photo....since she appeared to be enjoying the people watching I didn't say anything.

About 5 minutes later a man tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to come with him - -well, long story short - my mom got the royal treatement & her picture taken at the special handicapped station. The DMV employee who had rescued us told me that try as he might, the DMV employees forget that handicapped people - including seniors- aren't supposed to wait in line - there is special window for them. My mom was smiling ear to ear. On the way home she was really jazzed & reminding me of past visits with the DMV.

I'm venting, but not really - just amazed that people don't see us, but sometimes even caregivers get a break.

Cat that is nice....sometimes they just love being seen! And nice for you not to have to spend the entire day waiting! My moms hairdresser was kind enough to make a housecall the other day...she isnt going anywhere....but she feels special just having her hair nice for a day or two.....ah the simple things.

Hello everyone sorry I have not written in a while my mom was in the hospital. Sorry for your loss Austin but glad you are doing better hope you don't leave us on the site. I could use some advice if anyone can help me. My mom has over 50,000 dollars in credit card debt. I have convinced her to turn her car in which will help. I wanted to get a job but will not be able to now because she refuses to stay by herself and I can't afford anyone to come in. She is not sick enough for certain care and she is only 63 1/2 so not old enough for medicare and not eligible for medicaid this is all so confusing at time. I tried looking into working from home but, I have only found scams so far. I am in online college but, I need to earn some money we are getting deeper and deeper in debt. It is frustrating cause my sister has money but, does not seem interested in helping thats ok we will manage without her. The good news is that my mom's cancer did not return but she has had a small stroke in the past and a few seizures so I really can't leave her alone which is hard for me because I am so used to working and taking care of my kids now we all live together and it is tough. Anyway if anyone has some suggestions please let me know.

Hi Sulynn,

You are going through a really rough patch - I am sorry and will pray for you. Are you sure your mother is not able for medicaid? disability? If her income/assets are below a certain amount would she not qualify? If she does then maybe you can get homecare. Once you get the ball rolling in any of these I have found that you would have access to other services. I don't know I am just guessing. Is there a senior agency where you could get advice?

As far as her debt goes maybe you could get some legal advice as far as her options there.

Good luck,
Carmen

I have read about your situation several times and I understand so much how you feel. My husband and I are also caretakers for his parents as we are the only children living near them. My mother-in-law has alzheimers and my father-in-law has dimentia and is physically very thin and feeble.
We have discussed, as a family, the many alternatives to their care (they are still living by themselves in their home of 57 years). They are totally against leaving their home, which we know is normal. We have been thinking about renting out our family home and moving in with them.
However, after reading about you and your mother, I am scared to death about this commitment. We have 6 grandchildren who love to come over all the time and stay with us on the weekends (at times). Just how much will we be giving up? also we both work full time and have to in order to pay bills. Is there an answer to all of this?
As for you, I will tell you something that I do about 2x a month that I have never done before. I ao to the movies by myself. No one can interrupt me because you have to turn cell phones off.
Of course, I let everyone know where I will be. It has given me a little bit of my freedom back and I can have some joy just for me.
I really think a person (especially a caregiver) needs this time.

Hello everyone I feel like I accomplished something today and mom and I had a good day first time in awhile. I was up most of the night doing research on the financial problems and found a company with the BBB and worked out a plan with them on paying my mom's credit cards. This has knocked the payment almost in half. I took mom to the doctor and she is doing good so we went eat lunch after we have not been able to do that in a long time. The only major thing I need to get taken care of is turning her car in. We decided she don't need it she is not able to drive anymore and that would save another 600 a month. She agreed finally. Maybe things are starting to look up for us. Can't wait till next weekend I have to go pick up my lil daughter in Louisiana so I will have 2 days by myself. can't wait but, then I think I will be a little lonely nah I will suffer through it. Thank you everyone I am so glad I found this site it is a lifesaver.

I cry every day too facing a parent who is not the same person she was years ago. She is 88 and can function on her own but my heart aches when I look at her and see that she is declining. I cry and pray for strength every day.

I completely understand your pain. My mother has lived with us 3 years this november. Everyday there is a sad point. But I do try and pick up on the good time.
Just last month mom did not know who I was. Still today she has her moments.

It's a daily struggle to stay on top on our own pain while we help them cope with theirs. You are all doing a wonderful job.
Carol

OK, so mom and I had a big argument over her stuff. We are putting our house on the market. In NJ houses are selling, however not at the rate of 4 years ago! We are moving to a 55 and over community. We have to stage. It is what I do so I know what I am doing. Mom wants me to have her go through every single box and unwrap every little knick knack! Not doing it. She has no idea what it takes to move and down size! We did everything for her and she is clueless! It is going to take 2 months just to purge, pack and stage. All of her things are going into storage so that our basement looks roomy and the potential buyers can picture the potential. That does not even deal with the packing and moving. God grant me strength!!!!!!!

This thread started out as "needing to vent", which I do. Over the year+ that this thread has been going on, there's been a lot of venting. I've read through a lot of it and feel guilty about feeling sorry for myself. So many of you have it far worse than I do. Mom lives in her own apartment in my house. She is 92, declining, not needing a lot of physical hands-on care. It's just lots of little things all day long, not being able to get her hearing aide in by herself, fixing all her meals, laundry, checking on her, checking on her dog. She has a tendency to fall so I can't leave her alone. Like many of you, I've given up a job, friends, lifestyle, just to keep her out of a nursing home. It wasn't even a promise I made, but I'm trying to honor her wishes not to go into one. I moved her 2000 miles away from her home and friends to get her out of a bad living situation, and all I hear about is how I wouldn't let her keep her stuff (she kept some but as old folks do, wishes she still had this or that depending on her mood) and how she is so lonely. But she won't do the senior centers, hates them. I have a couple of ladies staying here two days/week so she can get socialization, as I am so burned out I can't even sit and talk with her. We never had a great relationship, she was a cold, demanding perfectionist while I was growing up. She never once told me she loved me. Having her here has fractured any shred of relationship we may have had when we were living way far away and only visiting periodically. I regret ever having taken her in, and now I feel trapped. I cry at the least little thing, and I've never been a cryer. I just want to send her back to NY and put her in a nursing home but I know that she would decline so much faster, and I know I would feel it was all my fault. We have chaplain visits and she tells me I will be glad for this someday, but I'm really wondering about that. I've yet to find very much to be glad about. We did respite care for a week and I was refreshed for oh, about two days, then back to the same old grind. I'm mostly all alone, as we live in the boonies and my husband works away for 3 weeks straight and is home for only 10 days. Those 21 days go on and on and on....Oh and those 2 days "off" when the ladies are here? One of them is running errands, groceries, etc. I got a chuckle out of a long-ago post about recognizing the caregivers at Walmart - don't remember who said it but you would recognize me!

Sorry I'm so whiney and negative but I really needed to get this off my chest. Not that it changes anything.... Thanks for listening.

txmaggie,
You sound just like me. We have a similar situation, but I do have more help.. I made sure that when we sold mom's home that all the money went into a trust for me to use to care for her. If not, I would go absolutely nuts!! Can you get more help? If her finances won't warrant that, can you get free help from the hospital and social senior services?

I have a nurse coming this week as part of the team that evaluates her need. If she physically is in need, than we go on to evaluate her financial need. It is a start. Also, was your dad ( or mom) a veteran? You can get services too. If she has had a change in her physical condition, a fall that the DR. is aware of, you can get for a time period Visiting Nurse, occupational therapy and physical therapy at no coast to her.

Call the hospital and have a geriatric assessment( no cost to you) If she is in need of services, you will be surprised at what they can offer. In January the funding starts all over again, so get in there now and get on the list. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GIVE UP YOUR LIFE!!!!! Good luck. Let us know how you make out.

Services depend a lot on the state in which you live, but checking for Veteran's services is great idea. Also, check your state's Web site under aging services to see what else is available.

You aren't whining txmaggie. I'm so glad you can vent. You've gone above and beyond what most people would do, considering your relationship with your mother. It's no wonder you feel trapped.

Have you thought of seeing a doctor for depression? It sounds to me like you maybe have clinical depression, brought on by your situation. You may need some medical help yourself, and while doing that, you may find a way to get more relief from your mother so you can have a life, too. This isn't a good situation for you.

Adult day care would be great, if you could get her to go, but being out in the country makes that harder. It's good that you have some seniors coming in, but you need more than that.

I hope you will get a checkup yourself. That could lead to more care all around.



Carol

Hi Ladies,

Just wanted to let you know that I sent my mom to respite at an ALF last month for 4 days as we had an out of town family wedding. She survived but let me know that she would not go back. She had a ton of reasons......too long of a walk to dining room, too depressing (too many old people) and food was ok (she hates my food). I called her everyday and she kept asking when I was coming to get her. Told her the same answer all the time. I had a great time and didn't even miss her. That is so terrible of me isn't it??? For a few days after she returned home it was ok, then back to the same old routine. I told her that we have another wedding next June out of town. She said if she is still here that she will stay home and someone can just come and check on her. She thinks she can take care of herself but she really needs someone to more than check on her. I hope she isn't around next June. There I go sounding terrible again. I guess I just want my life back again. It seems that will NEVER happen.
Thanks for letting me vent.....
oneandonly

Lovingdaughter, thank you for your suggestions. Actually I do have home health help, a nurse 1x/week, aide for bathing 2x/week. They are here for less than an hour, and it takes me an hour to get anywhere, so I still can't leave. However, I can (and do) turn the monitor off while they are here for some quiet time. Financially she doesn't qualify for any more help. I thought about having the ladies come more often but I don't want to use up all her money now, because if she gets really bad and I need a lot more help I will need the money down the road.

Carol, as usual you are wonderful. Actually Mom's nurse suggested I go to the doctor for some help for me, which I did. He said I was suffering from caregiver burnout and ordered a provider for mom 5 days/6 hrs per day. However she can only get that through medicaid here, and she doesn't qualify for medicaid because of her savings (and there is a 5 year look back, ouch). I asked about an antidepressant and he didn't think it was "indicated at this time". I should probably go back and tell him the provider didn't work and try again.

Oneandonly, you are not terrible for not missing her and hoping she won't be around next June. I totally understand what you are saying, as I feel the same way. Mom fought me on the respite care thing, too, and also said she didn't want to go back, but sorry, no choice for her there. A minister told me that it is VITAL (her words) that my husband and I take time for ourselves and that we should do the respite thing more often. Interestingly, she said that in caregivers they see a very high rate of fractured families, and surprisingly, the caregivers dying before the one being cared for. I don't want to be in either statistic group, and I bet you don't either.

I am so thankful we are here for each other. Nobody else can truly understand how we feel. Thanks to all of you for listening.

I hope you do not think I am mean or unfeeling but go ahead and spend her money for care as needed and you getting some time away is NEEDED and when her money is used up she will need to go on medicaide-you do have to take care of yourself and your marriage if you get more burned out who will take care of her-if you are able to join a caregivers support group in your area you will here that again and again one of my friends goes even though her husband passed a year ago and she wants me to go-mine passed two months ago and she thinks we can help others-believe me only you can help you -I had tolf others for two years taking card of my husband was too much and every preteted not to hear but when I said I can not it any more others jumped in and agreed and he was going to stay in anursing home after his 17th stint in rehab but got very ill the day after his insurance ran out and died 3 days later. I will never again not listen to myself and do what I know is right for me-you have a right to a life of your own and not just being a caregiver 24/7

How are others dealing with the death of their spouse?

Please don't any of you feel "terrible" for your thoughts. You are normal. Your thoughts are normal. These are tough issues.

The five year look back for Medicaid is very real, but that doesn't mean no money can be spent for your mother's care, txmaggie. Keep good records of the money so that it's obvious where it's going. If you need to spend very much, it's best to get an attorney's advice on how to document it. But it's for her care, so there’s no reason not to use it.

Thirty percent (I've read higher rates than that) of the caregivers die before the people they are caring for. Many marriages (I don't know statistics, but it's a no-brainer) are fractured by the strain. There is no doubt that you need time for your own lives and if the elder has saving or money that can make that possible by paying for some care, that's what it's there for. Just do it so that you won't have any legal problems down the road (with Medicaid).

Vital is the right word. Also, txmaggie. please do try the doctor again, or see another one for a second opinion. This doctor may not know the stress of caregiving. Some are clueless. I'm not saying you absolutely do need medication, but the symptoms you describe sound like depression, and if you aren't getting help, a second opinion may not hurt.

You are all wonderful in supporting each other. It's so great to see this happen.

Carol