Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

ddarkangel,
Our prayers are with you. This is such a difficult time and you need support from those around you and here too. Thinking of you.
Linda

It was so heart warming to see post from ROXIE and CAT you were both hear about 2 and 1/2 years ago when I first came on here and were both so great and kept me as sane as was possible-my caregiving ended as far as the husband-he died June 26 but have been helping my sister with our Mom some and will continue to do that when ever I can get back to their state. I want to stay on here and try to pay back to others who need an ear to listen to as I did-four months later I am still dealing with details and trying to get what I am due from insurances and his union-it is good I finally got a backbone. I love you dear ladies and look forward keeping up with your struggles-GOD BLESS

Dear ddarkangel, so sorry to hear about your mom's pain and struggling. Hopefully Hospice can help her with that. We'll watch and pray along with you during these difficult moments. Take care, and may God be with you and your mom.

ddarkangel,
I will be thinking of you each and every day. I am sorry to hear about your mother.
Never look back at what might have been.
Everyone here knows you did a wonderful job taking care of your loved one.
You keep in you the good times and let the rough times go.
Thinking of you!

bless your heart to find the time to let us all know how you are doing ... i will be thinking of you and am so sorry that she is leaving about anytime now . i know the heart aches in fact im feeling it right now . brings back memories when my mom was passing away . she s alot happier , no pain no fuss .. she s at the golden gates waitin for her love ones to come and greet her as i know she is waiting for my dad . your mom will have all the love ones waiting to greet her ,, wish i could send you flowers or something . in fact i just wanna hug you ! god bless...

hey secretsister, lharde, roxie and lovingdaughter, i am still here. I have to come when I know I wont start crying. Hospice finally gave me 24hr nurses so you know that means we are near the end of the journey. Made the decision to just let them take over sedating and medicating her around the clock now its too hard to watch her struggling and in pain. I could not have made it thru this journey without all of you just knowing I was not alone in this and there are so many out there who are much braver and stronger than I could have ever been. Its funny, I keep going over the last few months looking for things I might do over and regret and wish I could do again and I cant honestly think of any. Maybe wish I had more patience on some days but then I would not be me. For her sake, I hope she leaves this earth soon, without pain and struggle. I am doing my best to make it so. Thanx for all your kind words and support. I wont be able to look at those falsies she made me buy without chuckling! Now there is a moment to cherish! I will be back when this is complete..... keep the hot chocolate and popcorn going. The support is amazing and sustaining. You are all angels! be back soon.....^V^

I think that is what has started my downfall. Winter is coming!!! I also feel like a prisoner in my own home.
Thank you iharebeck I am not the only one.
That in itself makes me feel better. I guess misery love company.
Now I know I am not alone

no ure not wrong to feel that way . i feel the same way too . it;ll be almost 3 yrs since dad has been with me .
he willbe coming home tmr and im feeling sick to my stomach about it cuz i enjoyed comin and going as i please , aftertmr it all stops and i willbe a prisoner inmyown home again .
dont feel bad about that . i keep teling myself well winters coming so u be stuck at home anyway . might just swell enjoy pa all over again ....

Hello,
I have seen good hospice and bad hospice in my area. I beleive it is the nurse that makes the difference to me.
I have only worked with hospice in the nursing homes, so that may be different than in your own home.

I am writing just because I do need to vent.
I am not having a good week-end. Everything is starting to close in on me again. I go thro this every once in a while. This is just another time, but it is not easy.

I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself. My mother has lived with us for about 3-4 years I have lost track.
I have no privacy. I never have time for myself at home with no one there. I just want to kick back in my own home and be alone for awhile. Is that bad of me?

I do not vent to friends because they have their own problems to deal with. I feel like I am being whiny since I did make the decision to move her into my home.

I do not regreat it at all. But there are days I wish I could have her gone for a day.

Am I wrong in feeling this way?

ddarkangel,

We are all here for you. Some days are tougher than others. So let us help you with your burden of grief.

yes i too have been wondering about ddarkangel . i trie dto find what happen to her mother . there is so much on this and i cant find her anywhere . let me know what happen . i will be praying for her and all of us caregivers .
i am going to bring dad home this tues from rehab , they dont take good ccare of him butthe phyiscal therapy is wonderful .
in a way i do want him home but in other way i dont want to bring him home cuz he has gotten worst . hollarin whiney and i am scared its going to be 4 times hard work for me ...
i enjoyed my freedom sept 25th till here soon . i tried to do everything i want to do but end up didnt cuz havin to go back forth to nursing home and here home . been busy every weekend to stock up all the firewood , get ready for winter .
a very confsuing moments and scared what it be like to bring him home again .

Dear ddarkangel, I have been wondering about you. Sorry to hear about your mom, and your bad experience with Hospice. Sad! Sorry you have to go through this all alone. Since you're a nurse, does that help you know what to expect, etc.? Or is it difficult, still because it's your mom? Hope her passing is not painful or stressful. Don't mean to burden you with so many questions, but one more: how are you doing? Take care. Keep us posted, and be good to you, both.

my mother still lives a block away but I still "do" for her. I find the hardest part right now is when is she REALLY sic (kidney infection with fever of 104.7) and when is is the same old aches. She will fib to me too.

Speaking of hospice, I'm just starting to check into this now- What do they do? I've never dealt with them. What I REALLY would like is someone to stay about 48 hours a month at HIS house, so we can get a break. As in one weekend a month. VA will only give me 4 hours a day which really doesn't help me--at his house it's not feasible because he needs full time care. At my house it's not feasible because taking a break from him (to ME anyway) means being AWAY from him for awhile--someone else in my home dealing with him would only stress me out more. How can I get someone to do this weekend thing without it costing me a fortune?
It's always a roller coaster ride as you all know. Last night he shaved himself and was so sweet to deal with. This morning he clogged my toilet at five a.m. and repeatedly flushed the toilet and flooded my bathroom. I'm constantly having to make up contraptions to keep him from nonsense. Now it's a cardboard cover on the toilet handle so he can't flush (he never flushes the damn thing anyway unless he's thrown something in there that doesn't belong there) Respite stay coming in 5 days---I cannot 'freakin' wait. To be able to take a shower without someone beating on the door, to have company over without a drama show,to be able to sleep at night without being woken up with nonsense, to not be accused of nonsense---- 10 days of normal!

You've given as much as you've gotten. That's the power of everyone sharing their part of the journey.
Carol

Thanx so much. I cannot tell you how on many long nites this site has more than saved my life. The journey is my moms but it is hard to figure out my place in it. It has been the greatest being able to blog with all of you and know that I am not alone. It is an amazing site! take care

Hi ddarkangel,
This is so very sad. I am a huge hospice fan, but I have found lately that they aren't all "created equal." In fact I wrote about it this month. I've been reading on this forum about too many hospice situations which surprise me. I now realize I was spoiled.

Still, you may be right about your being a nurse. That should not figure in to this. She is your mother and you are in as much emotional pain as anyone. But, if they are overwhelmed, that may be their (unfortunate) rationale.

People are still chatting away and "venting" but they are on different threads. These threads sometimes take on a life of their own for awhile and then people drift to another question.

We are thinking of you and we are with you in our hearts.

Carol

Wow we must all be busy..no one needing to vent? lol..I cant thank you all enuff for being here....Its these long nites I have been dreading that have now come. Mom stopped eating several days ago and not drinking much now. Endless diarrhea.....I dont understand how she can still be doing all that. The meds they are giving me dont seem to be helping and the hospice I chose really sucks.They will see me monday maybe? I think they are taking advantage of me because they know I am a nurse. I am going to try and do this myself because I promised her that I would. It is just hearbreaking to watch my mom wither away so slowly.....I whispered in her ear this am that it was ok to go......I hope she heard me......huggles to all. ^V^

linda i gotta laugh. my mom is so bush talking about chicken breast for christmas.....my daughter and I put up her little christmas tree.....see i AM going to hell. She laughed about her little tree lol. If I didnt laugh I would be the one needing the twilight sleep! Which I gotta tell you the hospice social worker was discussing with my mom. So now she keeps talking about her "twilight sleep". Has anyone ever heard about them doing that without IVs and at home? I gotta thank that guy........he is also the one that told her that she wasnt done on earth yet and that she should have whatever she wants........I am going to pack her up and send her to his house....lol...nite nite all take care. We are all out there together somewhere sipping blue martinis.......^V^

ddarkangel,

You are sooooo funny. I would give anything to have been the fly on the wall at your mom's. My mom said she wanted to give some of her things to my brother. Stopped that one dead in its tracks!! She just doesn't get it . At least you can laugh at your situation. Keep us in laughter! Thanks.
Linda

Oh beyond you made me laugh....yesterday i was helping my mom bathe and she too likes to roam around nekkid...so she sat her bare butt on my white comforter.......ewwwwww. not sleeping there without washing it....just a follow up on the vibrator...lol. My mom keeps asking where her vibrator went so I told her I threw it out to save her dignity so the grandkids didnt see it. The other nite it was so late around 2 am and I was tired she kept buggin me and saying "wish I had my vibrator" so I just told her "use yer finger I am going to bed" lol.....so the next day she tells me first damn thing in the morning..."I tried to use my finger last nite but I was too tired" , she has a catheter in too go figure...good thing I didnt let her pick the first donut! I will miss her so much. I know what you all mean about respite care. My caretaker has moved in for two weeks so I can act normal for a few....but what am I doing? sitting home worrying about my mom. I LOVE SLEEPING IN MY OWN BED YIPPEEEEEEE! my bad.

Kudos to you! I could not live with my mother. I know it makes me feel like a bad peson but I would not be able to do that and keep my home, husband and sanity. We recently had to put my mother in a nursing home because of diabetes. My sister took her over to her house to visit today and mom was worried about getting back to the home in time for dinner because she likes the good food they feed her there. That is a complete 180 from how she has been telling us she wants to live back in her old house. It is helping us to know that she is starting to enjoy being around other people and we know she is taken care of 24/7.

It is a constant battle with them. My father pulled the exact same crap because he didn't want to live at my house because there are 'too many rules" (yeah, tough,unreasonable ones like keeping your damn pants on and not wiping your ass with your hand) Sorry to be graphic, but just making my point. He then decided it would be best for me to move to his house and deal with all this. Unbelievable! Not like I have my own house, roots, a job, friends, pets etc. Let me just spend 24-7 dealing with his BS. It never ceases to amaze me how selfish they are--no matter what you do you're doing it wrong and/or not doing it enough. There's probably not a day that goes by where I don't feel like a real b*#*, but it has to be done. I've gotten help where I can, although that's not enough either. I'm just thankful for the good days. As I've mentioned in here, it goes two weeks good, then one week horrible. I can't figure out why that is, but something recycles itself somewhere. As another posted, I wonder if your mom would have given up everything to care for a parent? I KNOW my dad would never have done so. He often commented on what a controlling horrible woman his mother was, never giving him an ounce of privacy, always preaching at him about how to live his life, always trying her best to sabatoge his relationships. I always have to pick my jaw off the ground when he does this----and it's always part of the shouting matches we get into when things boil over. "You know what buddy? You are EXACTLY like your mother---100 times WORSE!" I've long past the point of caring what he thinks about certain matters--it's for his own safety and my own sanity. I do the best that I can---I have hobbies to take my mind off things, a little help here and there when I can get it, and when the time comes to where these horrible episodes actually stick and are permanent, then it's time for a nursing home. I know one of these personalities will solidify sooner or later, I hope to God it's the quiet one, but that's usually not the way it goes. Anyway, respite care stay coming up in a few weeks (I feel like a little kid waiting for Christmas) He's in there 'till after Halloween and I am going to enjoy myself! No damn diapers, no messes, no rambling, no accusations--hopefully just some peace and quiet and some fun.

You over ride her wishes yesterday! She has no right to ask you to give up your life and put your family behind her. Would she have done this for her mother???? Left you and your family when she was the mother with a husband. I think not!!! Remind her that your family is your first responsibility and that she must have extra help and not at the sacrifice of your family!!! Get POA for both medial and financial. Hire someone and let the chips fall where they may!!!!! Good luck

Mine does not want to live with me, she said I should move in with her and "visit" my husband and home down the block. She refuses to have in the home helpers or go to a nursing home. HOW and WHEN do you override their wishes and impose your will on them???? I am losing my mind

LOL! These last few were funny. Being stuck in the house you become a fan of ebay. I was always afraid to look into the adult stuff because when you log in again it pops up with stuff "you might be interested in" from your last viewing-- jeez, am I regressing back with dad here or what? Also funny about all the ones we vent about having their own site---"I hate my neighbor from 1940!" "Where are my pants?" "Wasn't ME that pooped on the floor. but they all blame me for it!" "They're trying to control my mind with these damn pills!"
I often just look at him and think "what DOES he think about?" I'll never quite get it.....

Y'all are so great! Just when it seems like nothing is fun or funny anymore, the fake boobs and vibrators pop up (no pun intended). I love this thread too. It keeps me hanging on! xxoo to all you angels out there.

LOL EBAY!

Let me know where you get this "equipment"!!! Could use some of it around here!!!

ok ok we need a funny here.....i was telling my mom today who is in hospice for cancer, I told her i found this great website where people who take care of their parents chat together. We both had the same funny thought, can you imagine if the parents had a secret website and the things they would be saying about us? My mom was sitting there nekkid and the two of us were laughing so hard it was nice having my old mom back for a few minutes. We were cracking up. LOL I got her the new fake boobs she wanted and now she wants a new vibrator......I am starting to wonder if we need a second opinion here LOL..have a great one guys.....