Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

Hope you all will have a bit of time to relax this Memorial Day Weekend!
I read your drug/side effects comments with interest. I cannot believe that the doctors aren't more careful - like explaining side effects up front and checking in on how their patients are progressing...
I thought my Mom was the only one who couldn't tolerate drugs. The doctors she had all acted as if my Mom was some sort of aberration. My Mom couldn't tolerate any of the classes of BP drugs. One specialist told me - in front of her - that she was imagining the side effects because she had read the pamphlets which come from the pharmacist. He did, however, believe the side effects which were documented such as the 4 trips to the emergency room when her face and tongue swelled up like a balloon and the month where her legs swelled so much that the skin was about to burst. However, the nauseating dizziness, the hives (undocumented although I saw them) and the time I thought she had had a stroke because she made no sense whatsoever - those the doc told me were in her head. (I wonder how elderly people are diagnosed with dementia when it is the bp drug which is causing it? )When I objected - the doc told me it was my negative attitude that was causing the side effects!????

Dear roxie, you are a sweetheart. I will pray for strength for you. You must be very tired. Yes, the Lord knows how things will go. It's not pleasant waiting, sometimes, though, is it? I understand fatigue. I pray you can find some quiet time to spend alone, then give it all to God. He has it in his hands, anyway. You can safely rest in him, and wait and see what he will do. I'll pray for your mom, too. I pray for wisdom for those doctors, and for your mom's comfort and care. Also, soothing balm for your emotions. Grief is a tiring thing. It can take a lot out of us. Remember that crying cleanses us. I'll be doing some of that, also for you. I know how hard it is to see our loved ones fail. Have you called Hospice yet? They can be very supportive for you, as well. It wouldn't hurt to call and ask some questions. Take care of you, being gentle with yourself. Remember, you are not alone.

Hello 195 Austin....How are you doing?
I am back on here needing to vent once again....
My mother has been in the hospital 3 times this year....
Home health has brought up hospice.....I do not know what to do...
The doc told us yesterday that her bladder has dead tissue on the back side...so many things could happen and no one knows except the Lord....
I am trying to hold it together but slowly I am wearing out and down......
any suggestions from anyone.....

Beyond I am so sorry about the passing of your Dad and hope you will be able to still be a part of this great group and God bless

You and your family are in my prayers. If you need us, we are still here.

Hello to all-just wanted to let you know that my father passed way yesterday afternoon (Dec 10). He was in a short respite stay and obtained pneumonia. His frail body could not handle it. I will miss him terribly and try to remember him as he was, not what he became over the last year. I want to thank you all for helping me through this and not making me feel so alone--bless you all

Barb, will be praying for you and your Mom.

Hi Everyone haven't been on for a while. Things have been pretty crazy around here lately. Well, it happened I got the foreclosue papers Friday.I really don't know what I'm going to do . I (we) have lived in this house for over 50 years and it is part of my life. I am trying to get on disability for my back and depression but it is taking forever and then there is a chance that I will be denied. Mom is getting worse about the bathroom thing, she keeps going on the floor in her room. It's not like the bathroom is so far away ,it's in the next room. I think since she was from the hills of Ky she would just go anywhere outside and her carpet is green so I think she thinks it's grass. I called the lawyer that is in charge for the forclosure and he said that it be sometime early next year before anything happens. I hope so. Because I have no place to go. I do hope everyone has a good holiday.Barb

Bwthrs, have you ever point blank told one of his children that you need them to sit with their dad on a certain day because you have things to do? If they say 'no can do' then maybe you ought to be telling them they can start deciding which one of them is going to take their dad in. Either they free up one day a week between them, or...(fill in the blank) It's time for them to grow up and think about someone other than themselves. I wouldn't hesitate laying on the guilt either. You know what they say, 'guilt, the gift that keeps on giving'. ha.

My mother-in-law is living in an asst. living place that is really nice. They have a room there for just such a time as when you need to leave your mom or dad with capable hands, and need a break. It costs $ per day, but it's worth checking into. I think it's called a 'respite' care room. Probably any asst. living place has them.

The next time someone asks if they can help say yes can you come over once a week for a hour or two so I can take a break or suggest something then you will know if they really mean to help and if one person does it others might also I know I wished I had not done it all by myself for so long -my church brought us food when I hurt my back last year and it was so appreciated and I no it is hard to ask for help but you really should take help from others to make your life a little bit easier.

Welcome jaczyns1! Hugs to you, dear only caring for your mother. Bless your heart for all you and your husband do. She is so fortunate to have you. Thank you for sharing your story. I know you'll find lots of good reading here. And you are definitely not alone. There's always someone here to listen and understand. Like you, many feel exhausted. And no wonder! Just look at all you do. Wish I could send over a meal to you, but don't even know where you live. And date night; what's that?! LOL My husband and I haven't done that in years, but we're blessed to have a young son, and are caring for three elders. Sometimes it's overwhelming. I pray you find some answers here. Take care, and keep writing.

I am so glad I found you guys! I have been my mom's caregiver for years but up until this past spring she was able to get around the house on her own and we could take her out in a wheelchair. Now she is on oxygen 24/7, has developed some form of dementia and can hardly even stand even with the aid of a walker. Sometimes she "sees things" and thinks my husband and I have voodoo people coming in to pray over her. I have an aide that comes in a few hours each day to give my husband a break (he works nights to be home with my mom during the day) but I pretty much do everything for her. I get up an hour early each morning before I go to work so that I can put her on the potty chair (in my living room) bathe and dress her (then she goes back to her bed -- which is a hospital bed in my living room). My husband get her breakfast and pills together, the aide comes for a few hours and when she leaves my mom will sit and watch TV until I come home from work. We all eat dinner together, my husband takes a nap before going to work and I "entertain" my mother every evening. Some nights I do her nails, some nights her toenails... Most nights all I want to do is sit with her in the living room and watch TV (actually, I sleep through almost everything that's on) and then its time to lift her into the wheelchair, wheel her over to the potty, get her nightgown on, lift her back into the wheelchair to wheel her over to the bed and then lift her into bed. Whew, I'm exhuasted (she's a tiny little thing, but she's dead weight)... She has started to cry a lot at night and some nights she calls for me every 5 minutes. My friends have pretty much gone underground. Every once in a while someone will ask if they can "do anything" for me. HUH???? It would be nice if someone would offer to sit with my mom some evening so that my husband and I could get out for a "date" or if someone would surprise us with a diinner (it gets exhausting sometimes just thinking of what to make let alone make it). Other than my wonderful husband I have no one, I am an only child and he, too is an only child. His parents are both deceased as is my dad. I feel very lonely and isolated. Some days are good, others not so good. And I HATE it when people say what a wonderful thing I am doing, but they don't know if they could do it... UGH!!! It is good to know there are others out there like me! Hugs to you all!

Boy do I feel your frustration. My mother is 82, still able to do for herself, drive a car, go shopping, etc. but I swear, one day she is Goldie and the next Sybil. I have two sisters, one drains my mom and dad dry and they seem to live for it, my other is a professional and she and I get pulled into the middle of everything. She will call us and not ask but tell us to help her to stop my sister's son from stealing from her or cussing her and when we do we are told to mind our own business. My middle sister and I are told that we are stupid, that we are only after what we can get from them ( they have nothing I want and even if I did, my youngest sister who is 44, has already taken it, her and her a=hole children). My middle sister and I have both been to college but my youngest has been so enabled to do nothing, the most important job she has ever held was to dispatch and drive taxi, which isn't to say that is not a good job but my parents will tell people, my oldest is a nurse my middle daughter is a Paralegal but our youngest daughter drives taxi and will go on for a half hour about her. I know that sounds like a jealous comment but believe me, it is far from that. I was raised on guilt trips, she would pretend to pass out or she would go weeks without speaking to me because I wasn't worth the effort. I have always bent over backwards to help. She took care of people in our home, she was very good at it, but when my mom and dad wanted to go somewhere, they took my sisters, who were 10 and 16 years younger then me when they went and I was left to clean house and care for the elderly in our home. I could go on and on but right now I have my husband answering the phone, I don't want to talk to her and I don't want to hear her voice. I don't feel guilty for the anger, I feel more anger at the anger if that makes sense. Enjoy your kids and tell mom when you have time you will deal with her. Take it from those of us who have been and still are there. I will be 61 soon and I am tired of it. I learned when I lost my son that live is way to short to allow anyone to rule you with guilt. All mom had to do was snap her fingers and I was there irrergardless of what I had planned, I even wrecked my car going to her house in the snow and my daughter broke her nose, mom said stop being so stupid, there is nothing wrong with her and went about her business. I have since move a thousand miles away and look at my identicall. For my own sanity, it was the best thing I could have done.

Thanks, lovingdaughter. You're always a blessing. And beyondfrustrated, that was a great post!

Sister,
You are sooooo right. Again , great advice. If you don't take care of yourself, no one else will!!!!!

Always put your kids first. I've dealt with the same crap over the years--I got to the point long ago where I never told my dad anything about my personal life. If I told him I had plans to go somewhere--guaranteed the plans would be sabotaged. Usually by some imaginary illness. Now that is REALLY IS ill I take him less to the doctor!! (I guess now he doesn't have the cognitive reasoning to make up the illness of the week)Some people love to be miserable--which is unfortunate. They don't seem to realize that the reason people do not call--share their lives---or visit anymore is because of their own behavior. They are clearly their own worst enemy. I always made sure I spent a LOT of time with my daughter-(still do). I never pull any of that "feel sorry for me" crap on her either (so don't worry about history repeating itself) The suggestion of not answering the phone is a good one. It took me awhile, but I had to put a stop to some of that behavior. When it's in their nature, it STAYS there and only becomes worse--and I'm stuck with an 87 year old brat still today. It feels good when there are those times that you just say "no". As I stated, when he was in respite he wanted to come home right away--it felt great to tell him to "deal with it". They are our loved ones--and we sometimes take way more than we should from them because we love them despite their rotten behavior. I'm stuck in the mud for now until I can make arrangements, but when I was younger and dealing with his manipulation and his imaginary ailments I learned to ignore it. Don't let it interfere with your own kids--and if you have to- let your mother KNOW that. I'll be a hypocrite and suggest doing that in a nice way--I didn't--it took a lot of shouting matches to get through ---although it never seems to truly get through--there's a very self centered core to people like that and it's like trying to reason with a doornail--no matter what is going on in your life, you are NEVER going to do enough for them (in their mind) Do a little calculating and I'll bet that you've gone way above and beyond and done more for her than most people would.

dedestock, a Social Worker told me to set the boundaries my Mom was not able to. The ladies here are right. I thought about putting a schedule in writing to give to my Mom. "Monday is shopping day at 5:00 pm, Thursday 2:00pm Dentist. Leave messages if you need something more, etc." You set the schedule, and limit your availability. Stick to it and be firm, unless it's an emergency. Above all, since her needs are met, take care of you!

Agree, do not answer the phone. If you were not so available, she might stop or at least get the message!!!!

Sounds like she lives in a pretty nice place and she just enjoys making you misserable
Get caller ID and don't pick up the phone when she calls. I'm sure if it were truly an emergency-the home would let you know.
Enjoy your kids and don't let her rule you.
She'll get the message sooner or later.

My mom lives in a retirement community where they provide meals and transportation, but she refuses to take transportation, wants me to do it all. She cries and complains that no one likes her, but then we do spend time with her all she does is complain about how we don't spend enough time with her. She complains to my kids that they don't call... why would they want to?? all she does is tell them how bad they are for not wanting to spend time with her. Last night she called me to say that she was having a "heart attack". I said I would call 911 and meet them there to take her to hosp. She said no... (I'm sure it was an axiety attack, cuz she has those frequently).. and then she started yelling and going crazy cuz I wasn't coming over, even though she had just said that she didn't want me tocome over or go to hospital. I tried to talk calmly to her, telling her to calm down, take deep breaths, take a Xanax... but she begain screaming about how terrible I am, how Idon't love her... etc.. etc.. this goes on daily. I spend all day yesterday at her house, buying groceries, doing pills, emptying trash, doing laundry, but then last night, she tells me how much I hate her and how I never do anything for her. She is so angry, hateful and bitter.. I am so scared I am going to turn in to her cuz she makes me angry, hateful and bitter. She had a great life, but because of her, I have no life at all. Why doesn't God take her home, why do these angry, hateful people seem tolive forever? I feel that I will never have a life. My kids are 13 and 17 and will soon be gone, but I don't get to enjoy them, cuz she sucks all the joy out ofmy life!!
Please help.. I feel guilty when I'm not with her, but miserable when I am..
She has been like this for 20 years now, but it seems to get worse wtih each passing day.

Will be praying for you and your Mom, Roxie. Bless your heart.

Good Morning everyone,
I have a task to do today. I will be discussing with mom about going to Adult Day Care one day a week. She is not going to like it at all. This is going to be a long day for me.
Well she is up now and I must go and fix her breakfast.

Keep in mind today, I hope I can convince her to go at least one day a week for my sanity.

Beyond My dear it is time to place him-in my case I was waiting for others to tell it was time and was angery about that but when I finally stated it everyone in rehab agreed with me you need to think of yourself he can be placed close to where you live so you can go to visit him and also his friends if he has any no place is perfect and there will be problems from time to time but you can not keep killing yourself a lawyer told me 60% of caregivers die before the ones they care for and he will not fade away and die he will be unhappy for a while but they usually have activities at most NH's now and most residents are alright after about two weeks and remrmber they will use his money if he has any and then will be a on medicade and do not try to do that alone-it will drive you batty and the NH will want you to do it but if you don't they will do if fast because they will want the money and they have lawyers who can get it done fast- my lawyer had me pay a retainer of 5 hrs that means he could get it done in probably 2-3 hrs-my husband died before I had the appointment with social service but I had worked 3 full weeks all day getting papers together they wanted 3 yrs. of bank statements who saves them for 3 yrs-I just called an officeer of the bank and she got them for me. I only used 1 hr of the lawyers time now he is helping me with details of my husbands death-like getting 1/2 of his pension that the union tried not to give to me. Please please think hard about placement in the end you need to do what you feel is best and once he is there and after a while you change your mind you can bring him home for a few days to see how it goes and once you have medicade you can get help easier with out having to pay for it then if he was on medicare.

Roxie,
If your mother qualifies for services, you can get low or no coast help so many hours a week. Get a hold of senior services and see what is out there. You might be surprised to see what help you can get.

Dear beyondfrustrated, hang in there, and keep the faith. Your Dad's physician may be your best source of help. So glad you can come here for support and counsel. Will be praying for you. Take care.

You are so lucky that he is sweet and has his mind about him--I could have handeled ANY physical issue---even lifting wouldn't be an issue because there are so many devices offered these days (plus he is a small man anyway) but dealing with a crazy person is the worst roll of the dice there is. He is defintely at the point he needs to be placed. I thought last year when he really snapped that it would only be a matter of a few months and that I could care for him. It's now a year and who knows how much longer(?). He has an appointment next week and I think I'm going to request that his doctor get the ball rolling.

i agree with lovingdaughter .
if my father was like that i would have no other choices but to put him in nusring home . you wil feel so much better an dnot worry about where did he pee at ? your house will smell terrible or already is and you dont smell it cuz ure so used to the smell ....
your father is already long gone in his mind .'my father is 86 and is a sweet heart and he does not do stuff like that .
my whole body went out of whack liftin him and carry him so he wont fall . my daughter helped me out and the next day her body went out of whack too . i told dad we cant do it anymore ...
he woke up and realize what he s doing to his 2 girls and now he s workin so hard to get up with very lit help cuz he does not want to be in n-h and needs me more than ever . i told dad if you cant get up out of the bed then u should just stay in bed . i can only do so much then feels like my arms gonna break , my back oh my everything ,
if i had to take care of your father , i wouldnt be able to do it .
my dad doesnt get evil . he s like a lit boy needs a strong arms . well my arms not strong anymore haha . its like jellooo.
i am going to try to keep him a lit bit longer but if i go down then he will have to go to n-h ...
i dont think your mom wants to see you go thru all that . the lord will take him when his time is up . i keep askin my mom and my brother (both passed ) to come and take dad so he could be in peace . nope , lord is not ready for him i guess .
take care..

Place him in a NH NOW!! He is not the man who raised you. My dad was weak and tired and was ready to die. We were able to keep him home since he was sharp as a tack and still my daddy at 92. However, if he were not him self and not in control, I would have had to put him in a home. This situation is not good and you do not have to do this!!!!!! Honor him and the memory you have of him by placing him in a good NH where they will take care of him. Monitor the progress, check his care , his meds, and his activities. You don't even have to see him , just go and talk to the staff and that way they will know that you are involved.

A lot of people say they hate NHs-I was one of them, but my Moms been in one for a few months and its very nice.
They would not let him starve to death-he will eat in time.
I think you have done your best, no one can tell you what you should do but I hope you do whats best for you.