Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

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I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control

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I am a caregiver to my mother and father. My parents have been divorced for 44 years. My father's second wife died, so I invited him to live with us. My mother is 91 and my father is 93. My mother is severe memory loss, and just likes to sit on the coach and read. My father on the other hand either sleeps all day long, at least 13 hours. When he does get up he is always mad, slamming doors, making mean under the breath comments. He and I are always fighting and arguing. I recently quit my full time job to spend more time with them, but as of late I am realizing that I have made a mistake. I am to the point where I can't stand to be around him or do much with him. Please don't think I am an awful person, but I can only take so much abuse. I find myself spending a lot more time in my bedroom, and this is my home. I have no brothers of sisters in witch to talk too or to send them too, to give me a break.
I am so sad at the way things have gone, but I keep trying, but getting tired.

Thanks for reading, Patty B.
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imjoyous i was where you are just 2 and a half years ago. I found this site and it saved my life. My mom became the taskmaster and she became at times someone i did not know. I am your age and the hardest part was knowing when to stop "letting" her be the parent and realize that I had to take control. It was so new seeing her all of a sudden not being the strong mother that had always been able to take care of herself to someone who did not know she couldnt take care of herself the same way anymore. There were so many nites I was away from my kids, being a single mom it was hard, but I would come to this website and just type. The best part was finding out I was not alone. My mom is gone now and I did not want to hear this then believe me, but you will look back and yes you will wish for one more day with her. Yell when you need to yell, cry when you need to cry and hug her when you need to hug her. I have to honestly say I would love to have a do over but if I did I would not have been me. You still have to do you. I loved and cared for her the best way I knew how. It is what it is.......I have a tear running down my face right now just thinking of her......tomorrow she would have been 75. She was my best friend, my angel, I was honored to be her kid, and she was hell to take care of. But we had so many moments together that have forever changed me. There is NO WRONG WAY TO DO THIS. Hug yourself today. do something for yourself that you were not going to do anyway. Be the gift that you are and rest assured that even if the thank yous are not heard.....the things we do are like pebbles in the water....it starts like a ripple but it turns into a wave somewhere along the way........much love and a warm thank you to this site......thinkin of all of you........huggles!! mary k.
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They do that because they are the parent, and we are the child. They don't like the roles reversed so they try and take control every where they can, My father did that to me to the no please and no thank you. I had a little talk with him and told him that I was not having that and I was not his maid, If you dont' put a stop to it that will be all that you get done, I know that it hard but they put us in charge, so unfortunately so sometimes have to stand up to them or they will run us over.
Keeping you in my thought's imjoyous
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I am so glad I found this site. I have only had my mom living with us for six weeks and I am already doing the alone crying in my back yard and front porch where no one sees me. I had no idea my sweet, loving 88 year old mother would be treating me as she does. She makes demands all day long...no please, few thank you's. I am her personal servant all day long. I have lost all control. Today it's tearing me apart and I came to the computer to escape. I haven't had a moment's time to spend with my husband. Thanks for the "hang in there" messages. I do my best to constantly remind myself to appreciate the treasure of having these days with her. Why does she make this 58 year old feel like I'm ten and not being the perfect child?
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feelingnuts- hope ur day turns into a good day today ...
prayers to you .
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Thanks for the input, I am checking into getting a caregiver to come to the house.
Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I know that I am not alone in this finding this site is a blessing to me, It's great to know that there are people out there doing the same thing I am doing with even less help. I just wish family's know how hard it was to do. Not sure what caregivers did before having great web sites like this. Prayers to all of you
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One of the hardest things about this is that we lose our loved one twice.... once during the decline, where we can no longer recognize the person in front of us, plus having to deal with the day to day and minute to minute stuff... then loose them again at the end..... you are doing a wonderful job and always give yourself credit for being a human first then a caregiver...... yes, crying is our outlet, we have to let it go somewhere, that doesn't mean we are weak, it means we are tired, frustrated, lonely, and overwhelmed..... in any other situation we would not judge ourself so harshly, we would cry and not think anything about it... be good to you, many here are where you are, have been there, or will be there..... this sight is a life saver... welcome... and keep in mind when the tears come, you are being a human "being" and not a human"doing"...... hugs across the miles to you....
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I am also an only child and my husband and children are done dealing with all of thise. My father died 10 years ago and I have been at my mothers beck and call ever since then. She has BPD and DNP ... I have been over backwards every day, including moving her across the country with us several times. She is now in assisted living and although I need to still take her docs, get groceries, etc... it is sure a relief. I don't understand how anyone could do 24/7.. I pray for you all!
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Hi-there always seems to be one family member that gets loaded down with everything whether or not there are brothers and sisters. I am an only child and the responsibility was on me anyway. I chose not to deal with a nursing home because I know how they are. It can be very hard on you. My dad passed away almost two years ago, but I remember this site being a great way to vent. Whenever someone responds to certain threads, I still receive an e-mail now and then. I was crying all the time and taking tranquilizers to sleep at night. Looking back, I probably wouldn't have changed much, but it would have been nice to get a little in home help I could trust. Not sure what state you are in, but just be careful if you do hire in-home help. California has some quality agencies, but most are bad these days(no background checks, working caregivers as "independent contractors" so they don't have to take any responsibility--that kind of stuff). Do not deal with them unless they background check, check references and do drug testing. Also if they work their caregivers as independents, that means the agency doesn't want to deal with anything except collecting money--they won't have your back if anything goes wrong, and these types also do not take taxes out of the caregivers pay. Above comments are good ideas. Veterans are offered 30 days respite per year I believe. Also re: checking into your local church or any other organization you belong to who may just have someone kind enough to help you out for a few hours. As far as the family and friends who always say "if you need anything.." and you do, and there's ALWAYS an excuse---eh, don't bother.
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Hey Feelingnuts...Call them! Just do it. They want you too, so do it! On the other hand...is there a gentleman in your church that could stay with him for a weekend?

If he is a veteran you can also have him stay at a VA facility where they will offer respite care. For anyone out there, this is available so contact your VA social worker and get details. We used this service for a week a few weeks ago and it was so wonderful.
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