I need someone to talk to.

Annabelle, I will definitely be here to chat with you here, and on your message board, but I have a pre-planned date with my sister tonight, and am headed out the door. So sorry! I'll hit you up tomorrow, OK? I do care Sweetie, and didn't want you to think I wasn't here for ya! Hang in there, OK? Love Stacey B

You do matter. and standing up for yourself is perfectly OK. you said "i feel really bad" ,, but I'm wondering why ? because you didn't just roll over and be everything that they wanted you to be ? a door matt ? no ,, a lot of women who are pleasers in their life comes to the realization that they have been taken advantage of, and have bought into low self esteem because others have handed it to them. ABSOLUTELY do not FEEL BAD,, feel strong and empowered because you have decided that this is the day they stop walking all over you. this is the day that you have demanded respect and have learned to love and respect yourself !!!

AB, five years ago I didn't have anyone to talk to either. I had been caring for mom for about a year at that point. Then I found this site and so much changed. I spent lots and lots of time here and many people here, even though I have not met any of them, I consider wonderful friends. The kind I could not have done without through the years of caring for mom with very dysfunctional relationships with my twisted sisters. Mom was moved to a facility two years ago which was a result of me just sick and tired of twisteds treatment and suspicion of me. So, here you are among people that understand what you are going through and they will become your friends.

It's not fair. You matter. You don't deserve to be used and treated like crap.

Maybe it is especially galling right now because you have talked to an objective, trained third party who agrees with that statement. What?! Well, for heaven's sake, if this stranger can see that, why on earth can't your family?!

This is in no way your fault! I suspect that you've been groomed since childhood to play this role. That is how dysfunctional families work. One of the advice columnists used to say, "No one can use you as a door mat if you refuse to lie down." That wasn't really a choice in your childhood, but it is now. Now you fully realize that this is UNFAIR, you need to stop lying down to be walked on!

Easier said than done, especially when you have been programmed to accept bad treatment. I am so glad you are seeing a therapist and only wish your next appointment was sooner.

Your mother is living with you, right? Your house, your rules. You say say that the house has to be quiet after whatever pm. You are the one working. You are the one who gets to set quiet times. Mom doesn't like that? Too bad. Your house, your rules. Not just to be in control, of course, but because you need the house quiet so you can sleep.

Why is it a terrible thing to upset your mom? Why isn't your mom upset with your sister's behavior? So, mom gets upset ... and? What? She moves out? Isn't that what you want? Are you trying to avoid upsetting your mother so she won't dislike you? Doesn't seem to be working, does it?

Why isn't mom eligible for assisted living? I didn't know there were requirements. If she uses a walker she certainly needs some sort of assistance.

Jeanne what you said really resonates with me. I do feel that my family has scapegoated me. it's like when I was growing up they were all crazy a**holes and I was the sane one but then they drove me crazy and called me crazy... you know what I mean. so I was considered the crazy one and they were all ok when it was actually the other way around and still is. what is the most painful is that deep down this feels like and probably is that they don't care about me at all. wow. that is hard to accept. I know my sister and brother and dad don't but now I am starting to expect my mom truly doesn't either if she isn't willing to stand up to my sister even in the slightest in my defense and doesn't seem to recognize or care how exhausted I am. yes, I think the counsellor agreeing with me or whatever has made this realization all the more stark and painful. what the h*ll about me?!!! this is kind of how I feel now. i guess i don't want to upset my mom too much because of her health but at this point i don't even care. it's like her and my sister are playing me. that makes me scary mad. all this time my mom staying i'm her friend and acting like she cares but then when the chips are down and i tell her i am being actually harmed by my sister she gives me this blank stare and asks me not to throw out the half cookie on her plate. that's actually when i lost it.... she just totally ignored everything i said and treated me like some kind of low level servant. i'm done... yep.. my house, my rules. sister treats me with respect and starts pitching in more or she doesn't come over anymore period... i don't know what else. and maybe mom needs to go back 500 miles always and live by herself again in her house which is what she wants to do anyway. she'll probably die there alone after a fall or something but i am literally at the end of my rope. this is brining up a lot of horrible abuse memories i suffered as a child. it is too bad the counsellor isn't available sooner. i may call the suicide hotline tomorrow to talk. i am too tired tonight. wow, what a feeling to have 4 other people in my family and have them all treating me like sh*t. and to have no friends or relationship. this is going to be a hard night to get through. i'll get through it but it's going to suck. i'm sorry i am so negative and cussing so much and stuff but i think i am really coming to the realization of how much i am being used and it. has. got. to. stop. now. it's freaky because this person i thought loved me a lot, my mom, is starting to seem evil and manipulative to me. i feel sooooo alone. i don't want to be alone. i can't be alone. i can't live without any love. wow. maybe my mom doesn't love me. wow. wow.

AnnabelleB, I understand your situation. Mom has a golden child and from what you're saying it's not you. My parents say they love all their kids the same but in truth there's always that one child they feel closer too. We're only human. In my case, it's my older brother. He treats a stranger better than his two younger brothers and me his sister. He was paying a woman $1250 a month because her husband who used to work for my brother wasn't paying her alimony. All the while, he watched me lose my home and my mortgage was cheaper than what he was paying her. He pays me to stay at home to help my parents, but I can't even appreciate what he is doing because when he comes down he treats me light crap and thinks he owns me. He did this last time he was visiting and my parents saw he actions but still nothing can be said wrong about him. Neither of us three remaining siblings have any respect for him or his family. Your best bet is to tell your mom she is in your house and you will not tolerate anymore of her insults or putting you down. If she can't stop then tell her to go live with your sister or someone else. I just now started standing up for myself and it's hard. When you're not used to it. However, I'm not going to let my oldest brother put me down anymore. Stand up for yourself but show them you know how to do it with dignity. You're not going to stoop to their level which from what I understand is low. I'm here for you. You're not alone.

Every family has its scapegoat. Or not even a scapegoat. Just that person who they think is beneath them. I remember saying to my Mom once "I wish I was the kind of person that people felt they needed to dress up for when they came over" You know what I mean. When my family meets with me it's like they think "Oh, it's just her, who cares what she thinks."

I've heard it said, you teach people how to treat you. I guess I've taught people the wrong thing. And when I say dress up I don't mean, let's all get all haughty. I mean just show that you have some respect.

Annabelle, I think for your own sake you need to trust your gut about things and love yourself enough to say "Enough!" You can do it.

Gershun, I don't think that is true. Healthy families do NOT have "sacpegoats." Healthy families respect each other.

Thx guys a really appreciate your support I feel no love from my family I'll try to write again tomorrow

Annabelle, very concerned for you!

Hopefully you're getting some sleep by now and return here when you wake.

I don't know you but I'm very interested to see how you get through this frustrating/hurtful time in your life. I believe you will because you come here for support, advice and hugs!! The people here will help you build major confidence and not doubt the truth that YOU DO matter!
I'm fairly new here, still learning, still hurting myself from a lifetime of (I'm 55) a difficult/dysfunctional family, an only child making sure both of my divorced parents were "happy", and had to act like I was "ok" with a broken family, for years. Sure screws with your mind!! Ugh!
Fast forward to present, both had strokes close to same time and now live at same AL! For 42 yrs they avoided each other, now, they need me for everything it seems...and they get along! Why now? I'm beginning to feel like they're still using me cuz they NEED me as their chauffeur,  etc etc etc etc...otherwise I believe they would still be doing their own "thing" just as they did when they split when I was 12!  Yes, I have a lot of issues that like to creep back in now and then...if I let it...it sucks and robs me of who I am and want to be!! Wish I had this site and caring, wise people when I was 12 and on up!! Being here has saved my sanity, self doubt, and hating on myself from the FOG!!
I'm stronger today than I was 4 months ago!! But I'm still learning and growing a wiser "brain", my weak backbone is STILLin the process of turning to steel and my whole being gets comforted everyday here at aging care!
It's pretty amazing reading others stories, listening to the advice given and watching others gain strength and courage to get through our tough journey in this world! Love to see someone so low and down and emerge over time into a stronger being!! I want to leave this world loving it...
Several years ago, my daughter painted a clay pot for me for Mother's Day...on it she wrote, "You are braver and stronger than you think."
I loved that statement! I loved it when she gave it to me, but I extra-love it now AND it's so TRUE!
My journey has definitely gotten lighter because of aging care friends. And I'm for sure braver and stronger than I ever thought!

Hang in there Annabelle, we all care about you big time 💜 I'll be watching you become braver and stronger!💕Hugs

Annabelle, i hope you got a good night's sleep, at least.

I hear you on the family dysfunction. Your sister sounds as though she looks out for herself and no one else. You have a kind heart.

But, don't ask your mom to take sides. I have a rule about that; I try never to discuss one child's deficiencies with their siblings.

Gong forward, what is the plan? Does mom need Care? Could she live in a senior apartment nearby? When you say she doesn't qualify for AL, why Not? If she moved back home, what would be the downside?

This is going to sound cruel but I am trying to understand your position and hopefully help you to understand it better as well. To summarize what I've seen of your posts:

Mom lived far away and was mostly estranged from the rest of the family.

She had a health crisis and you stepped in to help and found her living in squalor and unable to stay alone so you brought her home with you.

Sis has agreed to only minimal help with her - has she perhaps set boundaries because she finds her relationship with your mother toxic?

Your mother has physically recovered enough to be on her own but can't/won't/shouldn't return to her old home.

What I don't understand is why you aren't getting enough sleep, why you seem to be catastophizing every bump in the road to the detriment of your own peace of mind. You seem to not realize that your relationship with your mother is toxic to you, why you are allowing your mother to manipulate you?
Find her an affordable place to live, either near you or back where she came from, arrange for whatever outside care agencies she can afford and push that senior chick back out of your nest.

Annabelle - the pain of living without love - I know it well. Like me, perhaps you stepped up for your family partly in the hope (or expectation) that your efforts would be met with appreciation, acceptance, inclusion, a feeling of belonging in the family fold. And now it's not turning out that way. It didn't turn out that way for me either. It was very painful, but I had to suck it up and eventually find other connections and sources of support for myself.

Your mother sounds like mine - selfish, self-centered, concerned with nothing but her own comfort and convenience. I gave up seeking my mother's love a long time ago. She doesn't have it to give. Especially now that she's elderly, it's all about her.

You think you can't live this way but there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will find your way and your strength. I have. We're all here to help you. Sending you best wishes for strength and sanity and a good night's sleep. Carla

Hi. thx everybody for writing. got through the night. dealing with a lot of anger. talked to my mom this morning. she agreed very grudgingly to talk to my sister about letting me know when she is coming. wow, common courtesy you'd think but I have to spell it out for these people. anyway, I did say she could come over today even though she didn't do this because they had already set it up. but I told my mom no more. I hate my sister so much. I don't think I have ever felt that much hatred toward anyone, including my dad who physically assaulted me numerous times. she is just a snake. a spoiled, selfish snake. anyway, moving along, I do think the therapy is helping although it is brining p even more intense emotions which isn't great. this morning without prompting I started a journal. one, I am trying to chronical what my sister is doing because I want to be prepared in case it comes up and it probably will. also, I started a page with just list of boundries. like 1. BOUNDRY sister must let me know when she is coming over and if she is going to be very late. (she has been very late numerous times even during a work day which really f'd up my schedule and got me in trouble with work). 2. Mom in her room at 9 pm so I can go to sleep. I know that is kind of early but I have to get up really early for work and have a brutally long day. 3. no really long draining negative discussions about the family. this completely zaps me. I think it's best with these people to just let them know what I need to happen even though they don't necessarily agree with it as long as mom is living here....
that's a start. I don't think it is unreasonable at all but when I told my mom I wanted to set a rule about my sister letting me know when she is showing up at my door, she made this pouting angry face. I asked her what was wrong with this because it seemed very reasonable to me and she got really angry and started to say something like well as long as it doesn't interfere with my..." and stopped. I said what about me and what I want to do and need? she was angry and resentful but she conceded. it's weird because I know my sister is her daughter but she is just an awful person and even my mom knows about the horrible things she's done and how little care and concern she shows for her and for some reason this doesn't seem to bother her. I find this quite odd. anyway, I am also starting to try to organize the financial part of it. I feel really bad that no one loves me  I deserve to live and deserve love. I have been very good to my mom throughout the years, always there for her, always telling her I love her every single day.... so if she can't appreciate me then I guess it's her problem. now the problem is finding someone who can love me. someone saying they love me and then treating me like crap and being disrespectful doesn't feel like love to me.  honestly, I don't think I ever will find real love if I haven't up to this point.  this whole thing is really twisting my brain. physically abused by both father and brother, psychologically abused by sister and mom, no friends in real life, no husband or boyfriend, no kids... now I have a counsellor. and I have three nice cats. I am still trying my best to take care of my mom through all this crap because I think it's the right thing to do. but it is very hard. my brother is going to show up soon for a week or so and then leave. that's going to be fun... not. it is nice to be able to write here. someone said that my relationship with my mom is toxic. I don't think it actually is toxic but it's got major problems. my relationship with my sister is toxic. but through the years my mom has done many nice things for me. now is a particularly stressful time and having to deal with my sister and how my mom relates to her and how they relate to me is awful. but i'm not quite ready to completely throw out my relationship to my mom. I don't know she's my mom. I've called her best friend for 52 plus years. but she has hurt me tremendously. I do think it would be way better if she was out of here and in her own apartment or something.  there is a huge lack of money to do that and the counsellor said that you can't get help with assisted living if you own a home which she does.  I am really glad I am therapy now. it ususally doesn't work but since this is something pretty specific, I think it could help... if it doesn't kill me. thank you all again for listening to all this crap. it is a nightmare. my sister is coming over tonight. she is usually late even up to two hours with no apology to me.  what do you say to someone like that?  um, susan (not real name) do you think maybe you owe me an apology for being late?"  I don't get it.  I would never not let someone know if I was going to be more than 10 minutes late and I would never not apologize for being that late somewhere.   I just asked my mom to call her and confirm the time so I can plan my evening and she gave me dirty look and said she would do it grudgingly. I am sooo not looking forward to seeing that brat on my doorstep. anyway, I better not keep going now. thanks for having my back guys.  oh, one more thing, I don't think I really have control of how badly these people treat me.  I mean I can let them know how they are hurting me and what I want and need which I have done to some extent but it doesn't mean they are going to do it and then what... cut them off?  take the crap?  I had cut my sister off and that worked for me but now this...  ok, I need to stop now. 

Just go out. Mom can let her on . Go to a movie.

my mom can't open and close the door by herself. she has bad arthritis in her hands. and I certainly am not giving my sister a key. otherwise I would do that.

this is random but I wonder what the percentage of men to women is on this site? I do feel crappy tonight. I am so tired. I went out today and went to a café and to the gym by myself so that was kind of a break but what I really need is a couple of days to myself in the house. it really bugs me when my mom mopes all the time. and she is always in her night gown. I feel a little better when she puts clothes on. it's a little less depressing than her sitting at the table for hours in her bed clothing.

oh, one more thing. I started several threads last night. I think I will use this one for updates and stuff and not follow up on the other ones as someone suggested, it's too confusing.  what a strange feeling after decades of think someone is your best friend and loves you to feel that they actually don't.  strange, awful, lonely.  I just can't be who they want me to be anymore.  I deserve respect. 

What if you left at 5:30 and left the door unlocked? Really, how much risk is that? Or wait until you see her on the sidewalk, unlock the dorr, and go out the back way. Please do what you need to do for you. 

Mom can't afford AL and can't get help because she owns a house? Sounds like she needs to sell it, doesn't it? Not Your Problem.

The fact that mom owns a house is not usually a bar to getting Medicaid. And as Jeanne says, why can't she sell the house?

Owning a home has nothing to do with being accepted into AL - assuming there's no issue with credit. It does seem most people in AL sell their houses as they no longer live there and need the money to pay for AL. That is a nonexistent reason for not moving your mother.

Also, it's fairly common for older parents to "favor" the neglectful child. They are trying to gain their love - your mom already knows she has yours. It's not fair that the dutiful child is the one getting the crap end of the stick - but it does seem to work that way.

well, the counsellor I saw a couple of days ago said that if my mom owned a house she couldn't get help with assisted living. that's why I said that. I will look into this further. my mom isn't going to want to sell her house and even if she did there is a lifetime of stuff in there. she would need help clearing it out. and she is in a lot of credit card debt. that's interesting about the mom favoring the neglectful child to win their love. that's makes sense in a way. a lot of the problem here is that my mom has not planned for her life or future and so it leaves a mess for her kids or whoever offers to help. i do feel loyal and attached to her even with all this so it's not that easy to just be like "go deal with this yourself." plus, she's really my only friend (or at least i thought she was my friend) which is another part of the problem.

I think in order to get a Medicaid voucher for AL, your counselor might be right, especially since your mom's not staying in her home. It is worth looking into though. 

Okay, if you find my neglectful child statement interesting- I'll throw another one your way.

When someone is making sacrifices on the scale that you are - in taking your mother in and being her caregiver- you have to do it for the single reason that it is what YOU want to do - because you think it's the right thing or whatever. If you are doing it for any other reason it is bound to be somewhat of a disaster.

Maybe you don't really want your sister to apologize for being late - you want her to say "Thank you for taking care of mom. I know it must be very hard and I appreciate it and you". The problem is we can't make anyone feel and act as we want them to and/or believe is right. Especially not someone who has been self-absorbed all of their lives.

I think it's time for you to really think about what your doing for your mother - and why. Cause if your expecting gratitude and appreciation it doesn't sound like you're gonna get it. Is it enough to do it because you feel it's what's right - and that reason alone?

If so - give your big girl panties a big tug - at your age I know you own a pair - and when your sister gets there tonight flat out tell her that going forward she will have to call X number of hours in advance to visit your mother. Period. If she is going to be more than X minutes late she is to call to see if the visit needs to be rescheduled. Repeat this to your mother. Better yet - say it in front of your mother. If either starts to squak- look them dead in the eye and say "this is not open for discussion". Period.

It sounds like it's long past due that you begin pleasing yourself instead of bending over backwards trying to please others.

Look for door knob adapters such as "DMI Doorknob Handle Extender Levers" at amazon and many other adaptive gadgets at arthritis supplies dot com.

Mother has a lifetime of stuff in her house. She is in a lot of credit card debt. She doesn't want to sell her house.

Not your circus, not your monkeys ... and not your Responsibility! Really! Mom is a big girl. She can take care of her finances responsibly, or not. Totally up to her.

Your mother does not have cognitive problems, right? So a temporary health crisis means you have to take care of her, straighten out her finances, figure out where she lives, figure out how to empty the house, and decide if/how it should be sold? I Don't Think So.

My best friend and I do LOTS of stuff for each other, but this is way, way beyond what you do for a friend.

you know it's interesting and I read all your responses and appreciate them but there is a flaw in the internet and connecting here because something is really lost in the translation through the computer. if that makes sense. and maybe I haven't explained it just right. some of the things people are saying doesn't really fit my situation such as my mom being able to take care of her financial situation and her house and stuff. she doesn't have dementia but I don't think she can or would do it. and confronting my sister at the door. it's not probably a good idea tonight. there are other things going on that I don't want to talk about right now that would make tonight not a good night. and someone saying "put on my big girl pants" is actually really offensive to me. I have stood up to my sister before many times and I am an extremely brave person and always have been.... I appreciate the support but sometimes the responses are off and just upset me more than anything and I don't have time or energy to go over things and explain. even the door knob. the extender wouldn't work on this door. i'm just so frustrated by everything. it's not a black and white situation. it's not a one size fits all situation here. I guess I will take what I can from this and ignore the rest. no offense to anyone but I am going to stick up for myself here too. and no one needs to write back and explain to me that everyone is well meaning and say I am thin skinned or something. i'm not thin skinned, and I get that people are trying to help but ... I don't know, maybe this isn't the right place for me either...

Annabelle, you are doing well. You're getting outside help (which to me is a really big deal) and Aging Services will get in touch with you next week. You can only do so much at a time. You sounded like you had everything under control with your sister -- good plan to let her in then go about your business. That is enough for one day and you're right: there's no use having a big fight on a Saturday night.

It sounds like your mom might have had a hard life. She probably has done the best she could. If you have memories of being close to your mom and feeling loved by her, trust those memories. Your mom has had a stroke. I would bet money that it's taken a toll on her capacity to deal with stress, and I still feel like she is probably not in a good place to address the conflict with your sister. It might be a short term thing and when she's feeling better, you guys can talk about it more. But right now, you are taking steps to work on your own feelings and history, and that is really good.

One side of my family has some money, the other doesn't. The set of problems and tools you have for dealing with issues that come up are just different. Solving problems like a house full of clutter in another state are just not as simple. Those things are hard enough for people's whose parents have nice enough stuff to sell and can afford to hire a junk hauler. Often things that seem simple from the outside (e.g. on the internet) are just are not as simple when you are actually faced with them in real life.

Just do one thing at a time. Once you talk to senior services or whomever, you'll start looking at the information they give you and try to figure out what the next best step is. I hope you do something nice for yourself this evening. Hopefully your mom will have a good time with your sister and you get a good night sleep tonight.

Annabelle - I'm sorry my observations and advice offended you, that was certainly not my intention.

Best of luck to you.