I need someone to talk to.

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i just posted about big fight with mom and hating sister. maybe you can find it? i need someone to talk to. it isn't fair that everyone in my family gets treated with respect except me and my mom is mad at me now because i stuck up for myself. i feel really bad. what am i supposed to do? these people, my family, will only relate to me if i let them treat me like sh*t? that's not ok with me. i have had it. i need someone to talk to. i am really upset right now. my sister is evil. i need her out of my life. or i need to be able to get in her face and tell her off which i am fine with doing but if i do it, it upsets my mom... this isn't fair to me. mom isn't eligible for assisted living and won't go. she is stuck here with me for the time being. i did call aging and adult services but we are playing phone tag. what is the most hurtful is realizing (again. i guess i realized it in childhood) that my family really doesn't give a sh*t about me. i don't have any close friends or a relationship either. it's not fair. i matter. i don't deserve to be used and treated like crap.

39 Comments

Annabelle, I will definitely be here to chat with you here, and on your message board, but I have a pre-planned date with my sister tonight, and am headed out the door. So sorry! I'll hit you up tomorrow, OK? I do care Sweetie, and didn't want you to think I wasn't here for ya! Hang in there, OK? Love Stacey B
You do matter. and standing up for yourself is perfectly OK. you said "i feel really bad" ,, but I'm wondering why ? because you didn't just roll over and be everything that they wanted you to be ? a door matt ? no ,, a lot of women who are pleasers in their life comes to the realization that they have been taken advantage of, and have bought into low self esteem because others have handed it to them. ABSOLUTELY do not FEEL BAD,, feel strong and empowered because you have decided that this is the day they stop walking all over you. this is the day that you have demanded respect and have learned to love and respect yourself !!!
AB, five years ago I didn't have anyone to talk to either. I had been caring for mom for about a year at that point. Then I found this site and so much changed. I spent lots and lots of time here and many people here, even though I have not met any of them, I consider wonderful friends. The kind I could not have done without through the years of caring for mom with very dysfunctional relationships with my twisted sisters. Mom was moved to a facility two years ago which was a result of me just sick and tired of twisteds treatment and suspicion of me. So, here you are among people that understand what you are going through and they will become your friends.
It's not fair. You matter. You don't deserve to be used and treated like crap.

Maybe it is especially galling right now because you have talked to an objective, trained third party who agrees with that statement. What?! Well, for heaven's sake, if this stranger can see that, why on earth can't your family?!

This is in no way your fault! I suspect that you've been groomed since childhood to play this role. That is how dysfunctional families work. One of the advice columnists used to say, "No one can use you as a door mat if you refuse to lie down." That wasn't really a choice in your childhood, but it is now. Now you fully realize that this is UNFAIR, you need to stop lying down to be walked on!

Easier said than done, especially when you have been programmed to accept bad treatment. I am so glad you are seeing a therapist and only wish your next appointment was sooner.

Your mother is living with you, right? Your house, your rules. You say say that the house has to be quiet after whatever pm. You are the one working. You are the one who gets to set quiet times. Mom doesn't like that? Too bad. Your house, your rules. Not just to be in control, of course, but because you need the house quiet so you can sleep.

Why is it a terrible thing to upset your mom? Why isn't your mom upset with your sister's behavior? So, mom gets upset ... and? What? She moves out? Isn't that what you want? Are you trying to avoid upsetting your mother so she won't dislike you? Doesn't seem to be working, does it?
Why isn't mom eligible for assisted living? I didn't know there were requirements. If she uses a walker she certainly needs some sort of assistance.
Jeanne what you said really resonates with me. I do feel that my family has scapegoated me. it's like when I was growing up they were all crazy a**holes and I was the sane one but then they drove me crazy and called me crazy... you know what I mean. so I was considered the crazy one and they were all ok when it was actually the other way around and still is. what is the most painful is that deep down this feels like and probably is that they don't care about me at all. wow. that is hard to accept. I know my sister and brother and dad don't but now I am starting to expect my mom truly doesn't either if she isn't willing to stand up to my sister even in the slightest in my defense and doesn't seem to recognize or care how exhausted I am. yes, I think the counsellor agreeing with me or whatever has made this realization all the more stark and painful. what the h*ll about me?!!! this is kind of how I feel now. i guess i don't want to upset my mom too much because of her health but at this point i don't even care. it's like her and my sister are playing me. that makes me scary mad. all this time my mom staying i'm her friend and acting like she cares but then when the chips are down and i tell her i am being actually harmed by my sister she gives me this blank stare and asks me not to throw out the half cookie on her plate. that's actually when i lost it.... she just totally ignored everything i said and treated me like some kind of low level servant. i'm done... yep.. my house, my rules. sister treats me with respect and starts pitching in more or she doesn't come over anymore period... i don't know what else. and maybe mom needs to go back 500 miles always and live by herself again in her house which is what she wants to do anyway. she'll probably die there alone after a fall or something but i am literally at the end of my rope. this is brining up a lot of horrible abuse memories i suffered as a child. it is too bad the counsellor isn't available sooner. i may call the suicide hotline tomorrow to talk. i am too tired tonight. wow, what a feeling to have 4 other people in my family and have them all treating me like sh*t. and to have no friends or relationship. this is going to be a hard night to get through. i'll get through it but it's going to suck. i'm sorry i am so negative and cussing so much and stuff but i think i am really coming to the realization of how much i am being used and it. has. got. to. stop. now. it's freaky because this person i thought loved me a lot, my mom, is starting to seem evil and manipulative to me. i feel sooooo alone. i don't want to be alone. i can't be alone. i can't live without any love. wow. maybe my mom doesn't love me. wow. wow.
AnnabelleB, I understand your situation. Mom has a golden child and from what you're saying it's not you. My parents say they love all their kids the same but in truth there's always that one child they feel closer too. We're only human. In my case, it's my older brother. He treats a stranger better than his two younger brothers and me his sister. He was paying a woman $1250 a month because her husband who used to work for my brother wasn't paying her alimony. All the while, he watched me lose my home and my mortgage was cheaper than what he was paying her. He pays me to stay at home to help my parents, but I can't even appreciate what he is doing because when he comes down he treats me light crap and thinks he owns me. He did this last time he was visiting and my parents saw he actions but still nothing can be said wrong about him. Neither of us three remaining siblings have any respect for him or his family. Your best bet is to tell your mom she is in your house and you will not tolerate anymore of her insults or putting you down. If she can't stop then tell her to go live with your sister or someone else. I just now started standing up for myself and it's hard. When you're not used to it. However, I'm not going to let my oldest brother put me down anymore. Stand up for yourself but show them you know how to do it with dignity. You're not going to stoop to their level which from what I understand is low. I'm here for you. You're not alone.
Every family has its scapegoat. Or not even a scapegoat. Just that person who they think is beneath them. I remember saying to my Mom once "I wish I was the kind of person that people felt they needed to dress up for when they came over" You know what I mean. When my family meets with me it's like they think "Oh, it's just her, who cares what she thinks."

I've heard it said, you teach people how to treat you. I guess I've taught people the wrong thing. And when I say dress up I don't mean, let's all get all haughty. I mean just show that you have some respect.

Annabelle, I think for your own sake you need to trust your gut about things and love yourself enough to say "Enough!" You can do it.
Gershun, I don't think that is true. Healthy families do NOT have "sacpegoats." Healthy families respect each other.
Thx guys a really appreciate your support I feel no love from my family I'll try to write again tomorrow

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