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i just posted about big fight with mom and hating sister. maybe you can find it? i need someone to talk to. it isn't fair that everyone in my family gets treated with respect except me and my mom is mad at me now because i stuck up for myself. i feel really bad. what am i supposed to do? these people, my family, will only relate to me if i let them treat me like sh*t? that's not ok with me. i have had it. i need someone to talk to. i am really upset right now. my sister is evil. i need her out of my life. or i need to be able to get in her face and tell her off which i am fine with doing but if i do it, it upsets my mom... this isn't fair to me. mom isn't eligible for assisted living and won't go. she is stuck here with me for the time being. i did call aging and adult services but we are playing phone tag. what is the most hurtful is realizing (again. i guess i realized it in childhood) that my family really doesn't give a sh*t about me. i don't have any close friends or a relationship either. it's not fair. i matter. i don't deserve to be used and treated like crap.

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I’m coming to this discussion 7 months later but, that said, even though I’m new here.... I will be happy to lend you an ear any time. I hope things with you are somewhat better
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Annabelle, I relate to a lot of what you say about your family's lack of respect. I finally confronted my sister about the way she has always treated me. I did it through the safety of e-mail mind you but I did suggest that she and I get together and talk. She declined. Not surprising. Now she can play the victim card. I wish her luck with that..........cause I don't intend on backing down from her ever again. If it means no relationship with her from here on in, that's up to her.

Be your own advocate Annabelle. Love yourself enough to not let people discount you and your feelings. I've grown a back bone through all the strife and sadness I went through during my Mom's final days. It fits really good. I think I'll keep it.
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Send, you're always so good to all of us.

Hi Annabelle,

I hear you, my friend. Please know if you need anyone to talk to, feel free to private message me. Take care of yourself. We are here for you.
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Bringing this back up so Annabelle can talk to someone.
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thx guys! I like the idea about joining a book club. I think I need to try to do more in person type things locally because I am so isolated. I like being online, too, but I need someone to be here for me physically, too. I think it is really good that I am in therapy. my life is a mess, not just because of the stuff going on with mom but for a lot of reasons. I rarely do anything for myself and this could help I think get me on a different track. hopefully. I am so glad that my mom is at my sister's. it's only for a few days but I am getting some time that I desperately needed to myself. I think she likes it too. I realize that my mom and I really shouldn't live together in the same house. it's too hard on me and probably her. I am going to ask the therapist what she thinks about trying to put together a family meeting when my brother gets here so it could me, mom, sister, and brother. It could be awful but maybe it's worth a try. right now, we haven't even done that. at least I would know where everybody stands. thank you again so much. for writing and for keeping me in your thoughts. I hope you have a great weekend, too.
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Hi Annabelle,

I'm glad to hear from you, too! That's so good that your sister stepped up and took your mom for the weekend. I am a total procrastinator and admire that you are taking steps to deal with all this. You do deserve to find happiness and companionship (and to have some fun!) I hope you will enjoy the rest of the weekend!
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Annabelle; It's so good to hear from you and that mom is at your sisters.

It sounds as though you have some tough issues to work on in therapy. Therapy is hard work and can be exhausting, but keep at it!

You need to learn to love and value yourself, which it sounds like you are starting to do. Finding friends can be tough, but try being around people without stressing over whether they are the right fit.

Read books from the library and join a book discussion group, online or at the library. Discussing books with people often gives one insight into whether they think the same way you do.

Be well!
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it's me. a couple people asked how am I doing which is super nice. thank you again. so I wanted to give an update. i'm not exactly sure the best way to use this site still. is it better to post on an existing thread from the past or start a new one, esp if you are just dealing with the same stuff, don't really have a question but want to give an update and vent or whatever? should I start a new post or which post should I add on to? I have started several? anyway...
mom is currently at sisters for a few days. Yea!!! so badly needed it's not funny. we didn't have a discussion, she just asked her over. I realize as I am typing this that I am very tired and it won't be a long post. in near future I need to ask sister if she can commit to doing this regularly for my health and sanity. brother is coming in a few weeks to visit. going to therapy in a week or so. need to talk to therapist about many many issues. it is very overwhelming. overall, I feel exhausted and sad but I am hanging in there. it's very hot where I am and I work outside which isn't helping. I often wonder why I exist? I have no close friends, I am used by my family and possibly not truly loved by any of them, have horrible financial problems, bad physical problems, and on and on. but the weird thing is, I don't want to die. I feel like I have been a super decent person my whole life. I just can't seem to find my niche or that special person or persons to share my life with who respect me. I guess this is kind of off topic but it's not in that this is coming up even more because I am being faced again through caring for my mom with family of origin issues. i feel like i got a really bad start and want to find some true love and happiness before i die. i feel like i deserve that just as much as anyone and i'm not going to get it from my family, nor would it even be appropriate i guess at my age. I guess this is long. i'm not really looking for advice right now, i just wanted to post.
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keep coming here,, this site is a game changer for all different reasons. My husband died of lung cancer a year and a half ago and if I hadn't been on inspire.com (a board much like this one, for patients and caregivers of those battleing the disease) I would have totally lost it. Now I'm faced with trying to find what the right thing to do for my 90 year old dad is and I found this site. Again much needed support for emotional as well as medical and just caregiving in general from those that get it. I read through all your posts and see like any situation that once you get a little "fed up" with it all its much more productive. things get said and done that really help. Keep standing your ground, don't give in. Your making progress, and theres love and support for you here in this community !
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i'm sorry I am just very tired and sad. I can't take anymore right now. I will be back later. sorry if I offended anyone. for the most part I have found good help and support here. i'm pretty raw right now. thank you.
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Annabelle - I'm sorry my observations and advice offended you, that was certainly not my intention.

Best of luck to you.
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Annabelle, you are doing well. You're getting outside help (which to me is a really big deal) and Aging Services will get in touch with you next week. You can only do so much at a time. You sounded like you had everything under control with your sister -- good plan to let her in then go about your business. That is enough for one day and you're right: there's no use having a big fight on a Saturday night.

It sounds like your mom might have had a hard life. She probably has done the best she could. If you have memories of being close to your mom and feeling loved by her, trust those memories. Your mom has had a stroke. I would bet money that it's taken a toll on her capacity to deal with stress, and I still feel like she is probably not in a good place to address the conflict with your sister. It might be a short term thing and when she's feeling better, you guys can talk about it more. But right now, you are taking steps to work on your own feelings and history, and that is really good.

One side of my family has some money, the other doesn't. The set of problems and tools you have for dealing with issues that come up are just different. Solving problems like a house full of clutter in another state are just not as simple. Those things are hard enough for people's whose parents have nice enough stuff to sell and can afford to hire a junk hauler. Often things that seem simple from the outside (e.g. on the internet) are just are not as simple when you are actually faced with them in real life.

Just do one thing at a time. Once you talk to senior services or whomever, you'll start looking at the information they give you and try to figure out what the next best step is. I hope you do something nice for yourself this evening. Hopefully your mom will have a good time with your sister and you get a good night sleep tonight.
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you know it's interesting and I read all your responses and appreciate them but there is a flaw in the internet and connecting here because something is really lost in the translation through the computer. if that makes sense. and maybe I haven't explained it just right. some of the things people are saying doesn't really fit my situation such as my mom being able to take care of her financial situation and her house and stuff. she doesn't have dementia but I don't think she can or would do it. and confronting my sister at the door. it's not probably a good idea tonight. there are other things going on that I don't want to talk about right now that would make tonight not a good night. and someone saying "put on my big girl pants" is actually really offensive to me. I have stood up to my sister before many times and I am an extremely brave person and always have been.... I appreciate the support but sometimes the responses are off and just upset me more than anything and I don't have time or energy to go over things and explain. even the door knob. the extender wouldn't work on this door. i'm just so frustrated by everything. it's not a black and white situation. it's not a one size fits all situation here. I guess I will take what I can from this and ignore the rest. no offense to anyone but I am going to stick up for myself here too. and no one needs to write back and explain to me that everyone is well meaning and say I am thin skinned or something. i'm not thin skinned, and I get that people are trying to help but ... I don't know, maybe this isn't the right place for me either...
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Mother has a lifetime of stuff in her house. She is in a lot of credit card debt. She doesn't want to sell her house.

Not your circus, not your monkeys ... and not your Responsibility! Really! Mom is a big girl. She can take care of her finances responsibly, or not. Totally up to her.

Your mother does not have cognitive problems, right? So a temporary health crisis means you have to take care of her, straighten out her finances, figure out where she lives, figure out how to empty the house, and decide if/how it should be sold? I Don't Think So.

My best friend and I do LOTS of stuff for each other, but this is way, way beyond what you do for a friend.
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Look for door knob adapters such as "DMI Doorknob Handle Extender Levers" at amazon and many other adaptive gadgets at arthritis supplies dot com.
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Okay, if you find my neglectful child statement interesting- I'll throw another one your way.

When someone is making sacrifices on the scale that you are - in taking your mother in and being her caregiver- you have to do it for the single reason that it is what YOU want to do - because you think it's the right thing or whatever. If you are doing it for any other reason it is bound to be somewhat of a disaster.

Maybe you don't really want your sister to apologize for being late - you want her to say "Thank you for taking care of mom. I know it must be very hard and I appreciate it and you". The problem is we can't make anyone feel and act as we want them to and/or believe is right. Especially not someone who has been self-absorbed all of their lives.

I think it's time for you to really think about what your doing for your mother - and why. Cause if your expecting gratitude and appreciation it doesn't sound like you're gonna get it. Is it enough to do it because you feel it's what's right - and that reason alone?

If so - give your big girl panties a big tug - at your age I know you own a pair - and when your sister gets there tonight flat out tell her that going forward she will have to call X number of hours in advance to visit your mother. Period. If she is going to be more than X minutes late she is to call to see if the visit needs to be rescheduled. Repeat this to your mother. Better yet - say it in front of your mother. If either starts to squak- look them dead in the eye and say "this is not open for discussion". Period.

It sounds like it's long past due that you begin pleasing yourself instead of bending over backwards trying to please others.
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I think in order to get a Medicaid voucher for AL, your counselor might be right, especially since your mom's not staying in her home. It is worth looking into though. 
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well, the counsellor I saw a couple of days ago said that if my mom owned a house she couldn't get help with assisted living. that's why I said that. I will look into this further. my mom isn't going to want to sell her house and even if she did there is a lifetime of stuff in there. she would need help clearing it out. and she is in a lot of credit card debt. that's interesting about the mom favoring the neglectful child to win their love. that's makes sense in a way. a lot of the problem here is that my mom has not planned for her life or future and so it leaves a mess for her kids or whoever offers to help. i do feel loyal and attached to her even with all this so it's not that easy to just be like "go deal with this yourself." plus, she's really my only friend (or at least i thought she was my friend) which is another part of the problem.
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Owning a home has nothing to do with being accepted into AL - assuming there's no issue with credit. It does seem most people in AL sell their houses as they no longer live there and need the money to pay for AL. That is a nonexistent reason for not moving your mother.

Also, it's fairly common for older parents to "favor" the neglectful child. They are trying to gain their love - your mom already knows she has yours. It's not fair that the dutiful child is the one getting the crap end of the stick - but it does seem to work that way.
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The fact that mom owns a house is not usually a bar to getting Medicaid. And as Jeanne says, why can't she sell the house?
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What if you left at 5:30 and left the door unlocked? Really, how much risk is that? Or wait until you see her on the sidewalk, unlock the dorr, and go out the back way. Please do what you need to do for you. 

Mom can't afford AL and can't get help because she owns a house? Sounds like she needs to sell it, doesn't it? Not Your Problem.
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oh, one more thing. I started several threads last night. I think I will use this one for updates and stuff and not follow up on the other ones as someone suggested, it's too confusing.  what a strange feeling after decades of think someone is your best friend and loves you to feel that they actually don't.  strange, awful, lonely.  I just can't be who they want me to be anymore.  I deserve respect. 
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this is random but I wonder what the percentage of men to women is on this site? I do feel crappy tonight. I am so tired. I went out today and went to a café and to the gym by myself so that was kind of a break but what I really need is a couple of days to myself in the house. it really bugs me when my mom mopes all the time. and she is always in her night gown. I feel a little better when she puts clothes on. it's a little less depressing than her sitting at the table for hours in her bed clothing.
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my mom can't open and close the door by herself. she has bad arthritis in her hands. and I certainly am not giving my sister a key. otherwise I would do that.
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Just go out. Mom can let her on . Go to a movie.
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Hi. thx everybody for writing. got through the night. dealing with a lot of anger. talked to my mom this morning. she agreed very grudgingly to talk to my sister about letting me know when she is coming. wow, common courtesy you'd think but I have to spell it out for these people. anyway, I did say she could come over today even though she didn't do this because they had already set it up. but I told my mom no more. I hate my sister so much. I don't think I have ever felt that much hatred toward anyone, including my dad who physically assaulted me numerous times. she is just a snake. a spoiled, selfish snake. anyway, moving along, I do think the therapy is helping although it is brining p even more intense emotions which isn't great. this morning without prompting I started a journal. one, I am trying to chronical what my sister is doing because I want to be prepared in case it comes up and it probably will. also, I started a page with just list of boundries. like 1. BOUNDRY sister must let me know when she is coming over and if she is going to be very late. (she has been very late numerous times even during a work day which really f'd up my schedule and got me in trouble with work). 2. Mom in her room at 9 pm so I can go to sleep. I know that is kind of early but I have to get up really early for work and have a brutally long day. 3. no really long draining negative discussions about the family. this completely zaps me. I think it's best with these people to just let them know what I need to happen even though they don't necessarily agree with it as long as mom is living here....
that's a start. I don't think it is unreasonable at all but when I told my mom I wanted to set a rule about my sister letting me know when she is showing up at my door, she made this pouting angry face. I asked her what was wrong with this because it seemed very reasonable to me and she got really angry and started to say something like well as long as it doesn't interfere with my..." and stopped. I said what about me and what I want to do and need? she was angry and resentful but she conceded. it's weird because I know my sister is her daughter but she is just an awful person and even my mom knows about the horrible things she's done and how little care and concern she shows for her and for some reason this doesn't seem to bother her. I find this quite odd. anyway, I am also starting to try to organize the financial part of it. I feel really bad that no one loves me  I deserve to live and deserve love. I have been very good to my mom throughout the years, always there for her, always telling her I love her every single day.... so if she can't appreciate me then I guess it's her problem. now the problem is finding someone who can love me. someone saying they love me and then treating me like crap and being disrespectful doesn't feel like love to me.  honestly, I don't think I ever will find real love if I haven't up to this point.  this whole thing is really twisting my brain. physically abused by both father and brother, psychologically abused by sister and mom, no friends in real life, no husband or boyfriend, no kids... now I have a counsellor. and I have three nice cats. I am still trying my best to take care of my mom through all this crap because I think it's the right thing to do. but it is very hard. my brother is going to show up soon for a week or so and then leave. that's going to be fun... not. it is nice to be able to write here. someone said that my relationship with my mom is toxic. I don't think it actually is toxic but it's got major problems. my relationship with my sister is toxic. but through the years my mom has done many nice things for me. now is a particularly stressful time and having to deal with my sister and how my mom relates to her and how they relate to me is awful. but i'm not quite ready to completely throw out my relationship to my mom. I don't know she's my mom. I've called her best friend for 52 plus years. but she has hurt me tremendously. I do think it would be way better if she was out of here and in her own apartment or something.  there is a huge lack of money to do that and the counsellor said that you can't get help with assisted living if you own a home which she does.  I am really glad I am therapy now. it ususally doesn't work but since this is something pretty specific, I think it could help... if it doesn't kill me. thank you all again for listening to all this crap. it is a nightmare. my sister is coming over tonight. she is usually late even up to two hours with no apology to me.  what do you say to someone like that?  um, susan (not real name) do you think maybe you owe me an apology for being late?"  I don't get it.  I would never not let someone know if I was going to be more than 10 minutes late and I would never not apologize for being that late somewhere.   I just asked my mom to call her and confirm the time so I can plan my evening and she gave me dirty look and said she would do it grudgingly. I am sooo not looking forward to seeing that brat on my doorstep. anyway, I better not keep going now. thanks for having my back guys.  oh, one more thing, I don't think I really have control of how badly these people treat me.  I mean I can let them know how they are hurting me and what I want and need which I have done to some extent but it doesn't mean they are going to do it and then what... cut them off?  take the crap?  I had cut my sister off and that worked for me but now this...  ok, I need to stop now. 
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Annabelle - the pain of living without love - I know it well. Like me, perhaps you stepped up for your family partly in the hope (or expectation) that your efforts would be met with appreciation, acceptance, inclusion, a feeling of belonging in the family fold. And now it's not turning out that way. It didn't turn out that way for me either. It was very painful, but I had to suck it up and eventually find other connections and sources of support for myself.

Your mother sounds like mine - selfish, self-centered, concerned with nothing but her own comfort and convenience. I gave up seeking my mother's love a long time ago. She doesn't have it to give. Especially now that she's elderly, it's all about her.

You think you can't live this way but there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will find your way and your strength. I have. We're all here to help you. Sending you best wishes for strength and sanity and a good night's sleep. Carla
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This is going to sound cruel but I am trying to understand your position and hopefully help you to understand it better as well. To summarize what I've seen of your posts:

Mom lived far away and was mostly estranged from the rest of the family.

She had a health crisis and you stepped in to help and found her living in squalor and unable to stay alone so you brought her home with you.

Sis has agreed to only minimal help with her - has she perhaps set boundaries because she finds her relationship with your mother toxic?

Your mother has physically recovered enough to be on her own but can't/won't/shouldn't return to her old home.

What I don't understand is why you aren't getting enough sleep, why you seem to be catastophizing every bump in the road to the detriment of your own peace of mind. You seem to not realize that your relationship with your mother is toxic to you, why you are allowing your mother to manipulate you?
Find her an affordable place to live, either near you or back where she came from, arrange for whatever outside care agencies she can afford and push that senior chick back out of your nest.
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Annabelle, i hope you got a good night's sleep, at least.

I hear you on the family dysfunction. Your sister sounds as though she looks out for herself and no one else. You have a kind heart.

But, don't ask your mom to take sides. I have a rule about that; I try never to discuss one child's deficiencies with their siblings.

Gong forward, what is the plan? Does mom need Care? Could she live in a senior apartment nearby? When you say she doesn't qualify for AL, why Not? If she moved back home, what would be the downside?
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Annabelle, very concerned for you!

Hopefully you're getting some sleep by now and return here when you wake.

I don't know you but I'm very interested to see how you get through this frustrating/hurtful time in your life. I believe you will because you come here for support, advice and hugs!! The people here will help you build major confidence and not doubt the truth that YOU DO matter!
I'm fairly new here, still learning, still hurting myself from a lifetime of (I'm 55) a difficult/dysfunctional family, an only child making sure both of my divorced parents were "happy", and had to act like I was "ok" with a broken family, for years. Sure screws with your mind!! Ugh!
Fast forward to present, both had strokes close to same time and now live at same AL! For 42 yrs they avoided each other, now, they need me for everything it seems...and they get along! Why now? I'm beginning to feel like they're still using me cuz they NEED me as their chauffeur,  etc etc etc etc...otherwise I believe they would still be doing their own "thing" just as they did when they split when I was 12!  Yes, I have a lot of issues that like to creep back in now and then...if I let it...it sucks and robs me of who I am and want to be!! Wish I had this site and caring, wise people when I was 12 and on up!! Being here has saved my sanity, self doubt, and hating on myself from the FOG!!
I'm stronger today than I was 4 months ago!! But I'm still learning and growing a wiser "brain", my weak backbone is STILLin the process of turning to steel and my whole being gets comforted everyday here at aging care!
It's pretty amazing reading others stories, listening to the advice given and watching others gain strength and courage to get through our tough journey in this world! Love to see someone so low and down and emerge over time into a stronger being!! I want to leave this world loving it...
Several years ago, my daughter painted a clay pot for me for Mother's Day...on it she wrote, "You are braver and stronger than you think."
I loved that statement! I loved it when she gave it to me, but I extra-love it now AND it's so TRUE!
My journey has definitely gotten lighter because of aging care friends. And I'm for sure braver and stronger than I ever thought!

Hang in there Annabelle, we all care about you big time 💜 I'll be watching you become braver and stronger!💕Hugs
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