I need my mom out of my house but she refuses to go and is tearing my family apart

Just trying to get a better idea of the situation - how did your mother come to live with you and how long has she been there?

She came to live with us 16 years ago when she said her house was too much to take care of and we let her move in. This was one year into our marriage.

Just as she can refuse to move into a facility, so can you refuse to have her live with you any longer.

I believe the quote is "..you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here". You will have to have a discussion with her that you simply are unable to care for her any more and she needs to make arrangements. If she doesn't want a facility she can get herself an apartment, but she cannot rely on you for care any more.

You have the right to decide whats right for you...and no is a complete sentence.

Worst case scenario...evict her.

Am I being cold and callous? Maybe so...some people may say this is harsh but you are considering suicide, running away ... to me that is a MAJOR cry for help and you need to save yourself before you die from this stress. This is your choice, your home, your right to say no more.

Angel

I agree with Angel. Talk to her, if you can get her undivided attention - tell her to take you at your word, do your best to remain calm and not let any possibly abusive retorts ruffle you. Practice what your going to say ahead of time and be armed with notes to stay on track and focused / hitting everything you need to say. Tell her you can no longer care for her and give a few concrete reasons why, staying away from things like "because you're a bit*h, lol! Give her a reasonable amount of time to find a place, tell her you'll help - if you want to - but end with a date she needs to be gone by. Let her know that if she's not moved out by xyz date that you will begin eviction proceedings. Let her know you'd rather not go that route, that you'd like to help her find a great place but that yes, you are prepared, ready and able to go the eviction route if necessary.

Helpless0502, if you don't work outside of the home, time to look for a part-time job or volunteer work... something that will get you out of the house and away from Mom. Find something that makes you want to get up in the morning and head out the door. Part-time work or volunteer work is so very rewarding.

Does hubby work? If not, have him do the same thing. Next thing Mom will know that there isn't anyone at home to gossip with or to do things for her. Get Mom a medic alert pendent to wear just in case she does fall, the EMT's can pick her up.

With no one home, Mom will get bored thus making Assisted Living look better and better.... or maybe not, some elders will refuse to move no matter what :P If Mom wants someone at home, then she needs to dig into her own retirement fund and have a paid caregiver to help her.

Either way, you are away at home talking to grown ups your own age :)

And don't worry about the condition of the house. My house is a royal mess and my parents never had lived here nor I with them. I was just to emotionally and physically drained to keep up with the cleaning. Martha Stewart I am not.

Your Mom is playing you all, and you know it. You and hubs BOTH need to sit down with her and lay it on the line. She accuses you both of having affairs.. OK tell her you need her out so you can have your wild swinger parties.. (KIDDING) but it may be a wake up call that you both know what she is up to,,and that you will no longer tolerate her behavior and so she must go..She is disrespectful and rude.. and you will no longer tolerate that. You would not take this crap from your adult daughter, and none of you should take this from her. She is alienating all of you from life and your friends.. she needs to be responsible for her actions. Get ready for the melt down, but get it done!

Thanks everyone. My husband and I met with the tour and intake person, I had a few short cries but I know something is going to put me into a curl-up-into-a-ball bawling session someday soon. She too said she had to evict her relative but another family member took her in before she went to assisted living, so my question of actually evicting her never got answered. She's stubborn, I just wonder if she'll allow the eviction to happen and then she'll be sitting in a chair at the end of our driveway with her stuff. I even asked, what happens then? Does social services or anyone come by to place her somewhere? Anyways, while we were gone she went to my daughter's room and asked her for my husband's aunt's number. She was our realtor when we bought the house. My daughter didn't know the number so she immediately texted me to inform me of her request. Now she has not spoken to my husband's aunt in 18 YEARS! I'm sure she was planning on some type of rescue plan that she would get out of her to let her stay here. We had the daughter tell her the truth, she just recently had a heart attack a few months back and she will not be calling to bother her. At least the intake lady was understanding and agreed that we should not have to put up with this in our home. Although she has never heard of anyone go absolutely to the curb, she knows of cases where the people had been served eviction notices and then complied. We had an excellent visit, even met some of the people living there and they are so sweet and nice. All in all I even asked if they'd let ME live there LOL, I wish. To sum things up, it was suggested that I not personally discuss this with her anymore and left it as a priority to my husband and daughter. I kinda cringed because I'm afraid they won't follow through to 100%. She told me to take pictures of the apartment and said for me to display them somewhere she would see them, even not to tell her about them. Lord knows she's not going to approach me and ask (thank God). But, as her POA I can start filling out the paperwork and then I' going to call senior services and speak with the ombudsman and have someone come out and talk to her. The intake lady will make her visit after her application is approved BUT my mother must also go there for the screening in person. YA RIGHT. But this is where I'm at right now, I'll be sending over photos off my phone to get processed and stick them on my fridge and leave some brochures on the kitchen counter. I'm already exhausted. LOL when I woke up this morning after tossing and turning, listening to my heart race last night, my first thought was of surprise that I actually fell asleep. Oh and FreqFlyer, I haven't worked in two years. I've fallen into depression and in a way I'm "guarding" my home somehow and watching over her too. My husband has been disabled with nerve damage for years so he won't be working. Ugh, I guess I should call my Dr and see what to address with my own health. I know I'm depressed and have anxiety but dammit, I've had my period for a month now and just when it eases up, she aggravates the bejesus out of me and I get bad intense bleeds again. I'll keep checking back, sigh.

Helpless - first thing, get yourself to an ob/gyn to check out this month long period - that's not good and you don't need anything new to stress over. I didn't see your age but could it be menopause? Trust me, I'm not one to blame a womans moods and depression on hormones but menopause is a mighty force to be reckoned with and could very likely be contributing to your feelings of dispare. I'm meno-finished, didn't have mood issues per say - but the hot flashes and sleepless nights due to night-sweats was enough to keep me pissed off for about six years! I love that your marching ahead with the assisted living plan - even without your mom's participation. It will show her you're dead serious about her moving out. So - go to the doctor, past yourself on the back for the groundwork your laying, and stay strong - you'll get through this!

I put in a call to legal help this morning and the ombudsman for seniors. I am so afraid they aren't going to be on my side. Meanwhile my mother has shut herself into her room and doesn't even come out when dinner has been served. She's never eaten with us, like ever, she always ate in her room in front of the tv. She hasn't spoken a word to any of us with some exceptions. After she asked my daughter for my husband's aunt's phone number (who was our realtor 16 years ago and hasn't spoken to at all), my daughter told her that she had a heart attack and would not be returning calls, which is the truth. I told my husband to be prepared to be asked at some point if that's the truth, that is whenever she will get him alone to ask. Anyways, daughter's boyfriend comes over, she comes out of her room looking for sympathy of the entire situation. He was already made aware of everything going on by my daughter (surprise to me) and she abruptly told her to knock it off. She then returned to her room. I can gear that she comes out of her room everyday around 6 a.m., uses the bathroom, makes coffee, eats a banana and returns to her room. A bit after that she would have some bread and whatever, we are not blocking her from any food or anything else in the house so it's not our doing if she chooses to be a shut in. My uncle also called, the only one she chooses to speak to now out of everyone in the entire world, he calls once a month. She informed him of the situation and is still determined not to leave and that it's her house, again, no it's not. Will he call or email me about this, probably not. Meanwhile anxiety is taking over and I'm actually sick of having my heart pounding all the time. I can't even think straight anymore. So now to wait some more and see what they say.

Not to beat the menopause horse - although I would if I could in retaliation for the hot flashes - BUT a thudding heart, heart palpitations are a symptom of menopause. Just saying...

Helpless0502, have you looked into the eviction rules where you live? You have to give a notice, and the rules will say how and how much notice you must give. It would be good to know that timeframe.

If she will not leave on her own, a sheriff will escort her out, forcibly if necessary.

I certainly hope it doesn't come to that, but it is best to know in advance what the rules are.

Rainmom I am going through anxiety attacks. They aren't random. Every time my mother comes out of her room to go anywhere in the house I start feeling this way. I am in fear of more verbal abuse. Turns out even being ignored is a sign of verbal and mental abuse, I found that out when senior services called me yesterday. Even sitting here typing this out makes me tremble. They agreed with our family 100% that she needs to get out of here. They are going to have a home services company call me and set up someone to be here for her supervision. I told them it would be a waste because she's not speaking to us or even leaving her room except for water and trips to the bathroom. She gets between 6-8 a.m., takes her pills, has a banana then something more to eat and becomes a shut in again. She doesn't even come out to get dinners anymore. Then again she did this two years ago when we approached her about moving out and she told my uncle that she was just going to stay out of our ways and not say anything to us anymore. But the senior advocate said I should have someone here so I can start doing what I need to do and not sit here in the house all day with concerns for her safety like her wanting to do laundry in the basement. She is a fall risk. One time in the past she walked out the door when no one was around. Later I found out she went to the RR tracks and attempted to slice her wrists after no train showed up. They were superficial but that was her attempt. She said, besides, she's going to need someone to talk to and help her with the paperwork and move, so she'll need a "friend". She then ordered 78 hours of counseling for me, I guess she was floored by my email. LOL at this point today I've been up for 2 hours and 20 minutes and I'm already exhausted. I'm constantly shaking inside. She's also contacting her doctor and telling hi what's going on and having a psych exam ordered. She's never been screened for depression or dementia. Since the intake lady at supportive living told me to not deal with my mother anymore, I need to have my daughter or husband approach her and ask her to go there for a tour again. If she refuses again, I've been told to hand her an eviction notice on the 31st. By law here since she is without a lease, she has to have 30 day notice so it must be given to her on the 31st and allowed a full month, which would commence on May 1st. They told me to not back down this time, I need to make it known that we are serious. UGH I hate having to sit here like a child in fear of an abusive parent, only difference here is I am far from being a child. I have 98% of her application completed, just need her social security statement for the year and her annual pension disbursement letter. Oh I also told my daughter and husband if she attempts to talk to me it'll have to be with someone else present. I will tell her that I'm not allowing her to speak to me without someone else here and if she keeps at it, I am leaving the room, even the house if need be. Anxious to see what today brings.

Yes, the 'silent treatment' is a form of abuse that is used by Narcissist (people with narcissistic personality disorder). I urge you to do some research on narcissism and on the silent treatment and other forms of abuse as you will be comforted and greatly helped seeing that none of this was your fault...and that you are not alone in going through this. I am so happy that you are making steps to move forward. Being suicidal (and I'm talking about you, not your mom...as suicidal threats are used as weapons in narcissism) means that you have taken way too much and you need desperately to care for yourself. Stay strong, definitely do not back down. You are taking GREAT steps to get this completed.

Angel

Helpless - I get it. I've typed and deleted two replies before this one detailing just how much I understand and relate to what you're going through - but they just keep turning into a rant. My mother came very close to breaking me this past fall but I found this site, asked for and received great advice. Following the advice probably saved my sanity! So - stay focused on your immediate end goal - to get your mom out. Do t worry so much about her pitching a tent and living at the end of your driveway- you are taking well thought out steps to ensure that's not going to happen. Your thought process and game plan is very good and you are executing it well - you are impressive indeed! As these steps are clicking into place, start thinking about how you want to deal with your mom once she's living elsewhere. Surely she will attempt to draw you back in - so, how much do you want to be involved? What are you willing to do and not do for her. Start thinking about where your boundaries will lie. I know right now it's all about getting her out and you making it through the day - but you'll need to be prepared for that first phone call she'll make to you / trying to draw you back in and start manipulating you again - where will your boundaries lie in order to get your life back?

And that's "don't worry" not "do t worry". Sorry for the typo!