Need a little laughter or humor to lighten your day?

Actually, it could be any or all of the following requests:

"What are all these little trays of dirt doing underneath the lamps?

Why are there heating pads underneath trays of dirt on top of the frig?

Why did you remove the backing from the bookcases, and what are all the books doing piled up in laundry baskets while there are trays of dirt with little green things coming out of the dirt on the shelves of the bookcases?

Why has the kitchen table been covered with more trays of sprouting green things?

Why are all these milk jugs been cut off at the top and filled with dirt, and what are they doing lined up in the breezeway?

What are these containers of seeds doing in the refrigerator?

What are those windows doing being propped up over some kind of frame next to the garage?

What in heck did I marry?"

If you've ever said, "Honey, will you move all your plants out of the bathtub so I can take a shower", you know you're married to a gardener.

If you've ever said, "Honey, will you move that transmission so I can take a bath?"
You might be a hillbilly......

*stolen from J Foxworthy, redneck jokes

Okay, after reading these over several times I've finally figured out the conversation, all except for the L I B. Clues?

And, yes, it is a challenge to figure these out - I didn't a clue until on the first reading. Guess I'm not a hillbilly (hopefully not).

HILLBILLY LANGUAGE TEST

C M PUPPIES

M R NOT PUPPIES

O S A R

C M P N

L I B !

M R 2 PUPPIES !

Any Hillbillys out there?

Good one GA!

So that's why one of the Kroger aisles was blocked off the last time I went there.

A sweet young couple came into a ministers office one morning and asked if her would perform their wedding ceremony. He cheerfully agreed and they began discussing the details. They explained that as part of their religion that had taken a vow of abstenance for the first year of their marriage.

Just a few months after the wedding the minister tuns into this young women on the street. They make polite chat for a minute and the minister says, "Not to be nosy or anything, but how has it worked out with the vow of abstenance?" "not so well", she replied. "I was wearing a kinda short skirt the other day and I bent over to pick up a can of beans, and my husband was overcome with passion so we ended up making love right there on the floor". The minister inquired,"Oh my, did you get expelled from you're church?" To which she responded, "No, but they did ask us to leave Krogers".

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is old, Jenny decides that after their wedding, she & Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she's concerned that her aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Jenny prepares herself for bed & the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens & there is Roger, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well. Roger takes leave of his wife and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her door, and it's Roger. Again he is ready for more 'action.' Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old , ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good for once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says, "You mean I was here already?"

A local small town drug store was broken into last night. Nothing was taken except for all the Viagra in the store. Police don't have much to go on but they know they're looking for a HARDENED criminal........

A lizard walks into a pharmacy, or rather tries to. It's legs are wobbly and it is flopping all over the place. It manages to get to the pharmacy counter and hands up a prescription. The pharmacist looks at it, goes in the back, and about a minute later comes out with a bottle of pills which is handed down to the lizard. The lizard pops the cap, takes a pill, and waits. In about a minute it is walking up and down the aisles just fine, then it starts running and finally 'zip' right out of the store.
A customer watching this asks the pharmacist what was filled for the lizard.
"Viagra."
"What????"
"Yeah, it's suffering from a reptile dysfunction."

Lady goes to her local hardware store, she needs a small wooden knob for her dresser drawer.mmshe finds a perfect match and gets in the checkout line. There's a strapping young fellow at the cash register. He says, "Will,that be all for you mam?" She says yes, I think so. He then inquires, "Do you wanna screw for your knob?" To which she replies, "No, but I'll do Ya for that cute little toaster oven over there".

Freqfler, I don't see myself as a 9. I'm torn between a 4 or 6. I'm a conservative who walks around with my head in the cloud. I didn't want a desktop computer, fave bought me one anyway. When VCR came out, I didn't want one, sis got it anyway. iPod came out, I didn't want it, she got it anyway. I gave it back to her because my desktop was on dial up and the iPod requires wireless to download music. Laptops became popular, I was happy with my old desktop. Older sis got me a laptop and a Nook ereader. Then the iPads became popular. I was happy with my Kindle and Nook. Fave sis recently got me the iPad Air. As you can see, I'm resistant to new technology. But my siblings make sure I'm up to date. Except I've put my foot down on cellphones. I still use prepaid 'dinosaur' phones. Fave sis calls all my Not Smart phones as dinosaurs. My phones will remain phones. Until they find a decent rate for me to want a smart phone. I pay $10 prepaid minutes that last me 2 months with my dinosaur cellphone.

Bookluvr, my birthday is in the middle of July, too, and I should have been a 7 but on this it came up 6 which isn't even close. Guess I am part of the 25% :]

I'm number 2. Got a joke for ye all since its Halloween an all.

What's grosser than gross?

Two vampires fighting over a used tampon.

Yep, that's a 7.... When I got the 9, I redid the numbers different ways. No matter how I added it up, I consistently came out a 9. From the comments I read on this by posters, majority - like 75% - said it matched them.

Baby bro fits more of 9. He is soooo funny. A lot of people like him, because he can just start a conversation, and have people laughing.

What if the number when you add all of the birthday digits is a double digir number? For example, 25? Do you then add 2 and 5? If so, I am a seven. Right where I would think.

What Does Your Life Path Number Reveal About You?

DOB: July 18, 1991
7 + 18 + 1991 = 2016
2 + 0 + 1 + 6 (add each digit of 2016) = 9
Your life path number is = # 9

#1 = THE PURPOSEFUL (new inventions, new ways of doing things & ideas. Like doing things their way & trouble tolerating other people's lifestyles/decisions. (Example: Tom Hanks, Hulk Hogan, Wyona Judd)

#2 = THE HELPER ("empath", often put other's needs first above their own, care deeply, can't stand isolation, tight-knit friends. Warm up to those who really understands them. (eg: Bill Clinton, Madonna, Mozart, Whoopi)

# 3 = THE SPIRITUAL (Life of the Party. love spotlight, are charming, talk more than listen, insensitive at times. Big heart but frequently misunderstood.) (eg: Melanie Griffin, Jodi Foster)

# 4 = THE BALANCED (Stick to Routines. Rarely step out of their comfort zone or adopt new principles of living. Conservative values, hard work, enjoy nature, avoid modern entertainment. Sometimes stubborn and closed off to new ideas. (eg: Oprah, Neil Diamond, Arnold Schwarzenegger)

# 5 = THE FIGHTER (Don't like anyone telling them what to do. Fierce independence. Drawn to arts as a creative outlet. May have been 'problem child' due to opposition from authority/rules.

# 6 = THE OPTIMIST (Romantic, with heads in the clouds, dreaming of a perfect world, offer positive contributions. Close to family, loyal friend/partner. (eg: Albert Einstein, Christopher Columbus, Meryl Streep)

# 7 =The REALIST (Natural born intellectual, highly analytical & logical. Make decisions based on thoughts, not emotions. Love doing research, learning new topics. Seem cold/unfeeling to others - don't wear their emotions publicly (eg: Shakespeare, Lucille Ball, Michael Jackson)

# 8 = THE LEADER (Type A people. Accomplish more, go one step further,great ambition and willpower, don't leave a job unfinished. Like to tackle big challenges, solve problems. Leadership role. (eg: Streisand, Picasso & Aretha Franklin)

# 9 = THE ENTERTAINER (Very gregarious & sociable, love to make people laugh and show them a good time. Make friends easily, irresistible charm. Do well as a comedian, similar performer as they enjoy entertaining others. (eg: Jimmy Carter, Elvis, Harrison Ford.

######################################################

Okay, I tried this. My number is a 9. 9??? Of all the above number, I would have thought I would be a 7. Fave sis is a 7 - which does ring true for her. Baby bro is a 6...

The following is an ethics quiz:

A sweet little old lady walks into her lawyers office to settle the accounts of her deceased husband. At the conclusion of the short meeting she asks about the fee. The kind young attorney explains is was all very simple and one hundred dollars would be fine.

She reaches in her purse and gives the lawyer a crisp $100 bill. He helps her on with her coat and she departs.

It's then that he realizes that there are 2 $100 bills stuck together.

QUESTION

What is the ethical problem?

ANSWER

Whether or not to tell his partner.....

When Grandma Goes to Court....

Lawyers should never ask a Texas Grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her & asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why yes, I do know you since you were a little boy, & frankly you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife & you manipulate people & talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot, when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room & asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted & he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with 3 different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nealy died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice said: "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair"

A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained & criticized everything & everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, he asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry & forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail - one day for each peach." As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's longsuffering husband raised his hand slowly & asked if he might speak.

The judge asked, "Yes, sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

I chuckled over this one. As I was typing it, I kept giggling.

~~~~~~~~~~
From I'm Not Right in the Head:
I want a closed-casket funeral. However, towards the end of the service, please have the organist play "Pop Goes the Weasel" over and over, until everyone in attendance is staring at my coffin with mute, horrified anticipation.

When I first found this site, I read this post from giles. It opened my eyes on how sneaky the person receiving caregiving can be. So I copied and pasted it in my file....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"So I'm literally and physically falling apart here, guys. Grandma rolled out of bed last Sunday and I had to get her up off the floor. I have compressed discs in my lower back and get pinched nerves that drop me to the ground.

So then Tuesday evening, she's backing up to the pot with her walker, trips on the wheel and falls backward onto the seat. She she a huge bruise and brushburn on her side. I think she must have brushed the toiletpaper holder on the way back. Had e-rays done yesterday and still waiting for results.

Wednesday she rolled out of bed again. Had to get her up off the floor again....with pinched nerves in my back.

Thursday she decided that she can't even sit up in bed, let alone get out of bed to use the potty. She wants me to lift her out of bed. I tried to call her bluff and get her to sit up so that I can help her from there. No go. So after sucking it up and lifting her out of bed all day Thursday and Thurday night....I can't do it anymore.

During the 4am episode this morning, I told her that this would only be temporary. I'll call the doc first thing this morning and have him sign papers for her to go to our local rehad for a week or two til her rib heals and when she is able to get in/out of bed herself and my back is healed, we'll bring her back home. I finally got to crawl back in bed at 4:45 to get some sleep.

I woke up mid morning to find that gma not only got out of bed by herself but also got dressed....in the pants that she always complains are the hardest ones to put on. She wheeled herself out to the dining room table and was waiting for her breakfast. I had to do a double take. So over breakfast I brought up the fact that her recovery over the last few hours is amazing. Almost an Easter miracle. She tells me, "It's no miracle. I was just messin' with ya but you're not sending me to any rehab joint. No, no. I don't think so!"

@#$$@#@$#@$###$@$@#$#$@! The moral of this story is....be VERY careful when you pray for patience!"

I was in a nail salon awhile back and a posted sign read "unintended children not allowed."

And, if trump won, all the blonde ladies in the country could copy his style of bangs because it sure doesn't look good on him.

Just think if Trump won. You'd have a whole bunch of new punchlines.

Nah....I doubt he would be able to stay in the lines.

Saw a couple great bumper stickers during the W years:

There's a village in Texas thats lost its idiot. And....

Never thought I'd miss Nixon

A coloring book no doubt.

What does a hillbilly divorce and a tornado have in common?

In either case somebody's gonna lose a mobile home......


When George W Bush was President some of his aids were discussing what to get him for Christmas. One suggest a nice book. Another replied, Nah, he's already got one of those........True Story

Good one!

What do hemorroids and corvettes have in common?

Sooner or later every a**hole gets one.