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I read a story on here from anonymous & it sounded exactly like mine. My mom abandoned me when I was a baby to pursue her own life. I bounced from house to house from strangers that had no problem taking her money. She has never supoorted me emotionally or financially & I was left to fend for myself having no family to support me. She was diagnosed with bipolar at 30. I have worked very hard to have what I have I live alone I dont have financial support for no one and now my nasty mother expects me to take care of her at 70. It wasnt until I read an article on here from an anonymous writer that had me tearing because everything she said was my story! Why do I have to feel obligated to take care of this nasty animal when she abandoned me. She gave me no emotional support or helped me financially with nothing! I also have no siblings to help me I had strangers in my life that gave me more assistance than her! I'm not putting up with her bipolar narcisisstic ways so selfish and disrespectful. I'm in a support group where I have learned no. I have become an independent woman & she can't hurt me any longer and so sad how she is wasting away. She repeats herself doesn't remember how to write a check and forgets we had a conversation about the same subject 10x before? Oh no I'm done she will no longer manipulate me or my life. I have kept boundaries and I don't let her know who my friends are what I do on a day to day basis who I know where I go shopping she sabatoges everything I do! She's a sick sick puppy and now with dementia Alzheimers no ma'am. Sorry I can't. I will help to a point. I will give you a place to stay but you will not direct the show. I will never be manipulated by you ever ever again. I will help you because I have more respect for myself than you but you will never control me or my life again. I will help with boundaries & no means no. My sanity is most important sorry you treated me like garbage & now I feel nothing for you but just sadness for how pathetic you are. Yes you did the best you could & it was sad and pathetic.

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Unless your mthr has significant assets you will inherit that you can consider partial damages for the pain she caused you, I would walk away and allow the state to be her guardian. If you are good with being her contact at her living facility, then block her number or hangup when she calls on the NH line. You don't need your egg donor in your life. She made her bed and she can lie in it!
(1)
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She is only your 'birth mother'. It would have been better for you if she'd put you up for adoption, and had a stable family. My heart goes out to you. No guilt, throw out any guilt.
HUGS!
(3)
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She may be your 'mother' but that does not imply you owe her anything but the most common of respect. If even that.

She was simply the 'carrier' of your physical body. She didn't nurture you nor provide for you.

Wash your hands of this toxic person and go on with your life. As someone who has done WAAAAAY too much for a toxic parent, I know then end result. They're fine and you are riddled with unnecessary guilt. (I know, easier said than done).

My DH is going through this with his 90 yo mother who was abusive and cruel to him as a child (I'm talking the kind of abuse that would get a child today removed from custody)...and now she's frail and needy and he simply hates her.

It's painful to watch him feel the obligation to tend to her needs (mostly he doesn't)….and the GUILT is awful.
(6)
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I understand, she is my mothers twin. Under no circumstances do you let her in your home.

She can go into ALor MC, there is no reason for you to subject yourself to her toxic behavior. Guilt is a self imposed emotion which will only keep you stuck, this emotion serves no purpose.

There are many options to consider and living with you is not one of them. Your boundaries will not work with her, she is mentally ill.
(3)
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Please don't let her into your home. That is your safe place. It's like a bad relationship where people say you can never go back. Believe it's true. Toxic then, toxic now. Keep your physical and mental boundaries.
Take care of you.
(3)
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I see from your profile that your mother is living at independent living It sounds like her level of care needs to increase. Are the people there aware of this? Let them tend to her and go on with your own life.
(2)
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Why would you give her a place to stay?

I think that you are only obligated to find her a facility that can provide the appropriate care she requires. She will only get worse and she will impinge on your life if she lives in your home.

My mom was abusive to me until she started aging and her plan A died and then her plan B disconnected from her, then she decided that she loved me and wanted a relationship. Nice try, but not happening. I will make sure that she is receiving the care she needs, but never in my home and not even in my town.

You should keep your boundaries and find her a facility.
(3)
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Although I have never walked in your shoes, based on the information you provided, I would not give her a place to stay if it's YOUR place. Her worsening dementia (as she apparently has based on your description) WILL run the show as her abilities decline and she needs more and more help and you are her default caregiver because she is living with you. You may not want to or be emotionally able to kick her out. But she can be safe and get appropriate care if you do not let her into your home and instead report her to social services (or Adult Protective Services) as a vulnerable adult. They will pursue guardianship over her and have her placed in a facility where you can have peace of mind, if that's what you want. Wishing you healing and peace in your wounded heart.
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