Narcissists, flying monkeys and scapegoats...


I guess when parents are ill family dysfunction is harder to overlook. I believe dear mom is a narcissist and dad has been her flying monkey all my life. Dad didn't manipulate the way mom did, but he never stood up for me either. Older sister was the golden child and I was and still am the scapegoat who does nothing right.
After going low contact with all them for a number of years, I stopped all contact with sister five months ago and never felt lighter and happier in my whole life. I've wanted to disconnect with both parents too but a sense of obligation and guilt keeps me still under their thumb. Remaining in contact with them (mom with AD, dad with some issues but nothing fatal) makes me irritated and resentful. How does anyone manage a sense of obligation and a desire to find peace which will likely include eliminating them from your life?
My sister, their "golden child" rarely visits them even though she doesn't work and bad mouths them behind their back to her grown children who also rarely visit. She doesn't assist with any daily needs such as finding grocery delivery services, finding service to clean the house, or attending doctor appointments... all things which I have willingly and stupidly done for them.
Sister had a last-minute 80th birthday party for mom while I was out of town - parents think I should have changed my plans to attend and never thought their daughter should have picked a date when I would be in town. I recently found out parents chose sister as their Trustee Successor and Executor of their will. I feel like this is validation on how I thought my parents viewed me my whole life. Secondary, not much.
I am going to continue low contact with parents, but believe their bad mouthing of me will continue in hopes that they'll shame me into doing more for them. I really don't know how being verbally or emotionally abusive is something anyone thinks will lure you back into their life. My parents may very well end up being 100% dependent upon the care-taking decisions of their golden child who will do nothing but let them whither. Is "low contact" possible with such dynamics, or is no-contact inevitable?
Thanks for your insight.



Same situ here. I am not proxy. I have been in house ft caregiver while my nurse sister a couple hours awa, and another who is borderline PD nearby - and other siblings further away who havent come out in 3 yrs.
Mom is in hosp - tried my best - I am scapegoat and I want to walk away.

The two from far away are here just as mom had fallen and broekn her back - in er then home care w aide 8-5 with me all night. GP no help with pain management and my mother was is screaming pain. I tried getting every bit of hea pro to help us.

She had to go back due to all over body screaming agony.

It is inhumane what the ER did which is essentially nothing. I know she will die.

My siblings visiting are fuc*ed up and mercurial moods and undependable. They took off and left me home to clean. Said theyd go to hosp to see mom and doc w me - went to store to sightsee instead.

All I know is this - walk away if you can. I dont know if there is a better life. I truly dont.

But this existence in a N family structure will color your lens black if you dont escape.

I may have been the Golden Child, but now that I have POA for the father, I am definitely the outcast. They have threatened to go to court to get the POA rescinded because I am demanding that my dad's aids not leave him alone to to favors for my mother. He has fallen twice in the past year when aids left him alone, but I am the bad guy. They also don't care that I now manage all of their finances and have protected their money for them. It has become some ugly that I am pulling away and only going once per week. I hate that this has become so negative, especially since I have only been trying to help. I truly wish I don't have the POA and that they never moved close to me. I have to try to take care of myself, and you must do the same. Do what you need to do to feel better and be happy in your life.

Ginger, what does that will/trust look like? Have you seen it? Can you be sure that it is equally divided between your sister and you?

I am treated secondary to my brothers by my mother. Her expectations of me are much greater than her expectations of them. But I do know that her trust will be divided into four equal proportions between me and my three brothers.

"She doesn't assist with any daily needs such as finding grocery delivery services, finding service to clean the house, or attending doctor appointments... "

I'm glad that you aren't the one doing the grocery shopping or cleaning the house! And I take it that your parents are paying for these things?

Give some thought as to what will happen if your parents get more needy. And how you will maintain low contact when that time comes.

How do you get over the fact that your inheritance is basically in the hands of your sister? I am in a similar situation with a greedy, lying, manipulative sister & I have to say that I will never understand how mom will/cannot see all the deception!

Hi... sorry to be late to the party. But I just came across your post. Look up in a google search - Sister Renee Pittelli, Luke 173 ministries. Her books, website, and Facebook have helped me tremendously. She is a strong believer in no contact. Her experiences sound a lot like yours.

Thanks everyone for replying. Your insight is very helpful. What JoAnn29 said about abused children clinging to their parents because they think the lack of love is their fault rings unfortunately true for me. I will continue to back off and let their golden child earn her upcoming salary. Yes, she could take the whole thing leaving me with nothing just to be spiteful. Or, parents could remove me entirely as punishment for "ignoring" them. I know that either situation could be a reality for me down the road. It's not the money, it's the lack of being valued that hurts. I guess coming to terms with it all is hard. In an odd way, perhaps giving up caring for my parents is also giving up the hope that I'll ever get the love/consideration I wanted from them.
I guess my parents will be sleeping in the bed they've made with their golden child. In my life, I have a great love with the wonderful man I married 20 years ago, good job, and am otherwise happy. I feel that in itself is a triumph. I'll focus my energy on that. The clarity that comes with my parents illness is perhaps a gift.
Thank you and blessings to you all.

Oh my gosh, I think your parents have made it very clear who is their favorite so why not let your sister be the one to take care of them??
I’m so very sorry, I know this must be painful for you, but letting go of them may free you from resentment and disappointment. Your parents don’t deserve you. And you deserve a life where you are loved and respected, no guilty strings attached!!

Maybe you should back off little by little. When parents call, tell them to call "golden child". Tell them its time she earns her "salary". You know what they say about abused children? They will cling to the abusive parents. Why? They are looking for approval because they think Mom not loving them is their fault.
I can understand why this would be hard, they r ur parents. Don't go out of your way. If you can or feel like it, help. If you can't or don't feel like it, tell them to call GC. There are two of you and care should be split.

"the trust states that golden sister is to take a payment for herself of whatever she deems "reasonable"." ?!?!?!?! That's horrible. She could take the whole thing! There are customary amounts; why on earth wasn't that suggested?

I know so many say the money isn't important, but considering the future of healthcare and how to provide for our own elder years, it does matter.

CTTN55 - the trust states that golden sister is to take a payment for herself of whatever she deems "reasonable". After she pays herself, then it states she is to split whatever remains 50/50 with me. This certainly leaves sister with a lot of loopholes to do as she pleases... almost like dear mom and dad set it up that way. I have a decent job, so don't care about the money - it's that dear mom and dad never gave me much consideration.