What lengths do the narcissists in your life go to in order to go to get their way?

My mom is trying to strong arm me - she doesn't want to see me on 12/23 when I am going to her home town - it is 12/25 or nothing. So far:

1) she has had her sister in FL call me to tell me how upset my mom is and how my mom has only a few years left - yada yada. How I'm an unfeeling daughter. I reply "um hmm" and the bean dip her "so how are your grand kids? How did the play go?" and finally to really get her off topic - "I heard that your oldest son is having marital trouble, is that correct?" Got her off topic for a long time.

2) the manager of her apartment building called me expressing concern. My mom has told her she has no reason to live and wants to end it all. I advised her that if she is concerned please call 911 right away.

3) I have received the usual 10 page letter - typed on both sides. Caps and underlining. I made no comment or acknowledged it. On calls just keep it light, and end by telling her we love her.

4) I usually send her a big bouquet of flowers for Christmas. She doesn't want things - she is downsizing. I received a picture yesterday in text "got your flowers" and the picture is of the flowers - in the DUMPSTER. I texted back "OK". When I spoke with her today, I didn't comment - just chatted about her upcoming apartment move. Finally - she asked what I thought of her picture. I said "fine". She asked if I was going to stop sending her presents. I asked "why?". She said "because I threw your flowers in the dumpster" to which I replied "I sent you the flowers because I love you. What you choose to do with them is totally up to you" She is wanting to pick a fight and I didn't engage - so she told me to "f$##" myself and hung up.

All through my childhood she cried, locked herself in her room for days, screamed and threw things, hit us, whatever to get her way. Now I refuse to give in but I also refuse to fight - so it pi$$es her off.

She has learned over the years to respect my boundaries so we get along most of the time - but holidays are always an emotional mess - Easter and Christmas.

What do your narcissists do to get their way?

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The more I read about this type of person I have come to the conclusion its a mental illness. Like bipolar. There brain is just not wired right. Some of you have said that you have siblings like this. They are missing something in their genes?

Kimber, I congratulate you. You don't play into it and wonder "what am I doing wrong". You know its not you its her. I wouldn't even show up the 23 if its not convenient to her. Like the way you handle the "concerned" people.

I loved the bit about the 10 page letters, typed on both sides. My father added hand-written notes all down the typing side columns, in multi coloured biro (red, blue or green usually, sometimes all three) with curly lines linking into the text. I read somewhere else that the number of additional colours is a gauge for something or other. Thank God he’s dead and at peace (or not, probably).

So sorry you have to deal with this. Your statement "She is wanting to pick a fight and I didn't engage - so she told me to "f$##" myself and hung up." Is about right on classic narc behavior. Glad you hung up on that. They want us to engage because fighting fuels them. To answer your question on what my narc does to get her/his/her way? I have three of them. One thing they all do in common is tell me how much I don't love them, do not want to be part of the family, never really cared about any of them, and they don't know who I am anymore. This usually comes during a tirade triggered by my refusal to answer a phone call or meet them for an event they planned without me. I assume they think berating me will make me feel like I must defend myself and will give them what they want from me. I have chosen to go from low contact to now being no contact. Haven't spoken to them in 5 months. Best 5 months of my life.

:. . . so she told me to "f$##" myself and hung up."

OMG. I am so sorry. This toxic person. . . Why have any contact with this person and behavior? The sadistic glee is horrifying. And how interesting that she acts out most at Christmas and Easter, religious holidays. Lovely . . . and kind of demonic. I have to say that I think the money for the flowers would have been better off staying in your wallet or given to the local food pantry or something.

I should add that the narcissistic person currently in my life (a longtime friend of my dad's, not a relative, thank God) also likes to send her adult child long, accusing letters occasionally, but otherwise never really talks about him during her visits and phone calls. My suspicion is that he really only exists for her as a way to feel anger at something, not as a real person in his own right. She just doesn't care enough to truly hate or love him.

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