Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Thank you for that, isthisreallyreal. It is the ability to relate that I seek. That’s as I hear it from you as well.
I have been involved in groups along the way. I was a competitive cyclist and am part of such clubs. I’m also a gardener and like to cook, as those would give me a hobby while staying at home. I raised our daughter with the idea in my mind, that what I do and how I handle such a life situation would have a notable impact on her and who she might find herself attracted to. If I were abbusive, she might be attracted to that, if I would abandon, she would note that as a make trait, if I were kind and thoughtful, she would have a better chance of being attracted to that. I know I was her example of what would be acceptable as a male. I love my wife, and daughter more than I can say. My daughter and I have all been there for each other. As a note, at 17, my daughter actually came to me to ask if I had a girlfriend, which I would not have thought a question she would ask. When I said no, she looked at me, this brings a tear, and said how I need someone. Such a realization, whereas youthful, tells more of the heart she has.
My daughter is now married to a wonderful man whom I love. He is a well spoken kind person who is well educated and thoughtful. He was a Captain in the Airforce, having flown two tours of duty in Iraq. They are expecting our first grandchild. I have such a dichotomy of happy and sad. They want me to live with them, but I will never move while my wife and her mother live in a home nearby me. Things will change, and when they do, I will change with it. I foresee locating a home for my wife close to our daughters family and I will be there for whoever needs me. I didn’t have a roadmap for caregiving with MS, nor do I have one for my future. But I look forward to a better future.

Freqflyer, my wife and I have both discussed this issue multiple times. Broached, originally by my wife, years ago. I could think of duplicate reasons for this to be, just as you consider the opposite. Neither you, nor I, can assume, truthfully, what one will do. Only what you feel you would or want to do. All of us only find that truth when confronted. Mind you, the idea of intimacy is more emotional then it is physical, at least in my mind. If one thinks otherwise, then that is in their own thoughts. For me, having a relationship with someone who knows nothing of a caregivers life by their own experiences wouldn’t work for me as I agree, it’s a no win situation for the one who has no like experiences to draw upon.
I will tell you, that I know where I’ve been over the past 30 years. I’ve been lonely and alone not because I don’t have friends, but because try as they will, they cannot relate to what myself, or someone like myself has been through. One doesn’t get second chances for the days past. I will do my best to be happy, which I am not. None the less, the chances you note, I am willing to take. I am willing to be hurt by my choice if that’s what happens. I will never hide from anyone, where I am in my life. Who my wife is, and what my intentions are. If I can find someone to relate to in conversation, then I will have good conversation. If we find we like each other’s company enough to see each other more often, then that’s what will happen.
None the less, without judging, I believe I have a different perspective then you have. Neither right or wrong, but different.
As I’ve learned and as I’ve said, this is the 800 lb gorilla in the room that isn’t spoken of for fear of being judged. I’m not afraid of that.

FF, you are such a wiz at making me look both ways. I hope that it gives istuscany ideas at how to go out and socialize.

You poor man, only you would know how your wife would feel, I love my husband with all my being and I know for me, I would want him to have happiness and companionship. I think it's great that you will not divorce her, be sure you don't abandon her if you find someone that is willing to have a relationship based on your terms. I'm thinking that you may want to relearn how to function around normal activities again, being isolated makes our outlook a little one sided, I know, been there. Follow FF advise about activities or clubs, classes etc. This is how we meet people we have things in common with. I would stress that you not blurt out your story until there seems to be a mutual desire, this could send potential friends running, being a caregiver in your shoes is a scary, hard thought for people, let them know you a bit first.

Come back to AC, all of the lovely people have helped me in my caregiving journey tremendously. Truth and lots of different perspectives helps us find balance. I hope we can help you as well.

lstuscany, you are in a very tough spot. What to do? Dating while a spouse is ill can become an emotional nightmare. You find someone, you fall for her and she with you, she wants marriage. Then what? You don't want to find yourself being Michael Douglas in Fatal Attraction. Think about it, any women you date is dating a married man.

What is it that you really want? Is it just being with someone or around other people? Any buddies you can call upon to go golfing, playing poker, etc? Watching sports? Try the route of being with guy friends first.

Women tend to have a lot of girlfriends to keep them busy without going the dating route. Less emotional impact. They can be themselves without trying to impress someone.

Try joining clubs that would be of interest. A hiking club, a chess club, history bluff club, cooking club, etc. to find new friends. Also check out local classes at a community college, or county offered classes on various things. Revive an old interest.

There is one question to ask yourself. What if things were reversed... would you want your spouse to find a companion? I realize every case if different. Hopefully I gave you food for thought.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter