My wife and I took a road trip to CA from Maine, to visit my mother and when we arrived we realized she should not live so far away from us.

Thank you for all of your comments. We have an appointment with an eldercare lawyer on Monday. My wife is on board with helping me with my mother "Thank God".

Your mother now has proceeds to pay for her longterm care. Maine is probably a lot cheaper than California. I think if your mother is reasonable, she recognizes that living with you and your wife in a 2-bedroom apartment is not a permanent solution. Do you and your wife own or rent your apartment?

You've now taken on a huge responsibility by inviting your mother to live with you suddenly. Lots of big changes are coming your way with just the incontinence issue she has, especially since you are new to caregiving. Hopefully her "forgetfulness" doesn't lead to a dementia diagnosis which is a whole different kettle of fish to deal with. Entirely.

Stick close to this site for lots of valuable tips on everything from how to control urine odors to how to apply for Medicaid for nursing home care if the need arises.

You may be wise to make an appointment with an Elder Care Attorney for a consultation to ask a bunch of questions about Medicaid and other benefits your mother may be entitled to that she's unaware of. Such a thing can be incredibly valuable....it was for me.

Wishing you the very best of luck with this new phase of life you've embraced.

Hi, Chapter. Hope you saw ElizabethY's response regarding Medicaid eligibility rules. That is what I meant regarding accidentally running afoul of them. Not that you would be doing anything wrong, but that if your mom's money is combined with yours (to buy a house, for example) it may complicate your mom's eligibility for Medicaid funding of a nursing home, if things get to that point. Just doing a little web searching, it looks like the "look-back" period for Maine is 5 years. That would apparently be the amount of time that mom's money would need to be accounted for before Medicaid would pay for a nursing home.

Hi,
Wow--lots of changes!
Were you able to bring your Mom's medical records with you? Those, or the contact info of her prior doctor, will be helpful when you establish care locally. With your mom's incontinence-do you think she might have a UTI that's contributing to it? She could be tested for this at an urgent care place if you can't get in to see a doctor soon.
When you say' forgetfulness' is one of her issues, can you clarify that? Does she ask the same thing all the time, or is it more that she's forgetten to pick something up at the store? What does she do?
Medicaid rules: Search on here
https://www.elderlawanswers.com/maine-elder-law-attorneys
Because of your mom's forgetfulness you may want to talk to an elder law attorney to help make a life plan for your mom, in case it her memory gets worse.
If your mom runs out of personal funds beyond what her insurance and/or Medicare pays, then she will have to apply for Medicaid. They have a 'look back' period where they make sure that the person requesting Medicaid hasn't 'hidden' any of their money as gifts to family, etc. in the last few years. So it's important that proceeds from mom's house sale are kept in her own account, and you don't cover her costs out of pocket or are depositing her money into your accounts. I use my mom's debit card linked to her own account where her social security check gets deposited for things I do for her like picking up her prescriptions. Your mom should be paying for her costs of living--if she pays you 'rent' that will need to be a check or autopay from her account to yours clearly indicated as rent. Again, while it might cost a little bit, an elder care attorney can take away a lot of the stress of handling your mom's finances--you would pay for the consultation from your mom's funds.

The person I keep thinking of in all of this is your wife. What does she think of all of this? Do you both work during the day? If so, then who is going to take care of your mother when you are both working?

Are YOU going to do all of the care for your mother, or is your W going to be expected to help with the personal hygiene tasks? Will she have to do all of the cleaning, cooking, etc. for your mother? If so, is THAT fair?

I can't stop thinking of how your life is now being upended by someone, and it's just going to get worse. Your mother was across the country, and now she is there every minute of every day, dependent upon you and your W.

What is meant by "accidentally afoul of Medicaid eligibility rules"?

I think Beatty asks the right question, “Now what?” Think this through carefully and consider your needs equally to your mother’s needs.

After doing so, formulate a viable plan. Please remember that as your mother declines further, plans can be altered accordingly as needed.

One quick thought about how you’re now looking for a house for the three of you: be mindful of how the proceeds of the sale of mom’s house are used to ensure you don’t find yourself accidentally afoul of Medicaid eligibility rules at some point if her care becomes too much to continue at home. (We see this scenario a lot on this forum.)

I worry a lot about elders who fall. My LO falls a lot and has been having falls (that I know of) for well over 10 years. She always has an excuse of why she fell or why whatever happened had SO many extenuating circumstances that it's not "really" a fall and should not be considered as such. One time she blamed a child for a fall. The child waved to her, elder waved back and then fell down. Elder said she "turned her body funny" in order to wave back and THAT's why she fell. I'm only mentioning this because many elders will try to minimize the importance of the fact that they fell and then the falls just continue and could become very serious.

Anyway, my opinion is that these falls your mom is having need to be investigated medically and that's a big priority. Is she falling because she gets dizzy? Is she falling because a leg gives out on her? Is she falling because of the incontinence and she's trying to rush to get to the bathroom? Is she falling because she tried to do something that maybe she should not do anymore and she falls in the process?

I'm glad you're getting her a doctor's appt - just please go into the office with her and make sure the falls are discussed.

Thank you for your comments. Mom will be 87 soon, my wife and I have decided to keep her with us, we're looking for a house, our apt is just to small. Mom seems ok for her age. The common issues are present; incontinence, forgetfulness, and balance, she uses a walker to get around outside. We will find a doctor this week and make an appointment.

Well. You saw the need, swooped her up, brought her home. Now looking at each other like "now what!". Well I suppose here she is & here she will stay. Unless of course you discuss & find alternative accommodation.

Take a little time first. Some breathing space. When ready, introduce her to a local Doctor, get a thorough check up & then a needs assessment.

Then really discuss with your Mother what SHE values & wants.

Finding the best fit for her needs & wants will be the aim. Once a location is chosen (or if still your home, maybe extra home care services added) then the adjustment to this big change can start.

Keep updating with you progress if it helps. Good luck.

So, when you asked your mother if she would like to move to Maine with you, did you think this meant living with you, or living nearer to you?

Or did the planning not get quite as far as that?

If you'd like to fill in a few more details such as how old your mother is, what her state of health is, what's happened since you got home, and how each of the three of you would like things to go from here I'm sure you'll receive lots of useful ideas from the forum.

Chapter 2 - what do you need help with?

You have my support and congratulations for stepping up to the plate to provide care for your mother.   I'm assuming you're now facing what you feel are overwhelming adaptive needs?

1.    Can you live in your 2 bedroom apartment with your mother, or do you feel you need more space?   

2.    You do have options as FunkyGrandma suggests.   But you also can consider whether or not you want to move to a larger apartment, or house.

3.    I would guess that evaluation your financial situation is a priority, as well as identifying and assembling a medical team for your mother's care.   Does she need rehab for the falls?    Was she seen by doctors before the move?

4.   I'm assuming this will be a new venture for each of you, so I would spend time on researching the various options, identifying and assembling a medical team for your mother, analyzing and assessing what her needs are, including social ones.

5.    You might want to start the latter issue by contacting local senior centers to find out what they offer.   Some (like my father's) have 2 small buses available for senior assistance in shopping and medical appointments.   Counties may also offer various types of assistance and at various levels.   So might Maine. 
You might also contact Sen. Collins; I believe she's a senior herself, and her staff might have some suggestions.

6.   Make lists, lots of them, with concepts, potential options, and solutions, and start researching, but not to the point that it becomes a preoccupation.  

7.   You haven't indicated the ages of you and your wife; are you still employed? 
Will you need daycare assistance for your mother?

8.    Maine can be very, very cold, as you know!    Does the apartment have backups, such as a generator for the various units, in the event of power failure?

I'm not clear if you have a question or concern, other than you're probably a bit overwhelmed at this point, especially since you were just planning on going to CA for a visit, and now you have your mother living with you back in Maine.
You may want to start looking in your area for an assisted living facility near you that your mother can live in. That way she can be around folks her own age, and you and and you wife can have your apartment back to yourselves.
Please feel free to ask any questions on this forum you may have, as there are many experienced caregivers who will be more than happy to try and help. Best wishes.