My "whine moment today." What's yours?

I also think that a lot of that has to do with most of this generation have literally been handed everything they ever wanted on a silver platter. neither one of my nephews wives/ fiances work...they are busy crafting, volunteering, spouting their views on politics yet both their husbands/ fiances work their butts off and make their lives as easy as possible..just as their Dad's made their lives growing up....Then they come here and look down their noses if something is not Martha Stewart perfect and in my head all I want to say is "Kiss my A$$"

I hear you Susan....on all levels....I don't understand. My nephews and most "kids" I know now are so self centered...all full of compassion for the planet, the environment, the homeless and yet not one iota of compassion or selflessness when it comes to their own families. It makes me angry to see the disrespect and thoughtless way they treat their Dad (my brother) Mama everyone..yet they are all at the ready to save the world...they literally make me ill. I am tired of asking them to come. I think they are coming in a few days and I really could care less. I will be nice and I hope they make their visit and then get out.....

Hope, I (and I'm sure many of us) are right there with you on the holidays. Since my dad passed away and I moved in with Mom, only a few of her grandchildren (including my own kids) have visited her - ONCE. Once in 2 years. I've darn near begged them to stop by and see her - 3 of them work only 5 miles away and it would be a simple thing to stop and see her for 10 minutes after work. They won't. I know everyone has their own lives, but darn it, how would they feel if they were in her shoes? I guess they think because I'm here all the time, she's fine.

I do the same thing - I make Christmas as nice as possible for Mom and then I'm glad when it's done. We used to leave the tree up as long as possible - until mid-January sometimes - before we finally took it down. Not now. It's coming down TODAY. I'm ready to be done with the holidays and get back to what passes for "normal".

I don't know why I feel the need to beat myself up over not doing enough. I really don't know how much more or if I could be doing anything else....and I am with you on the whole "glad the holidays are over"...there is too much pressure on folks to be happy and make it perfect and on and on and while that was doable as a kid it is not even near possible now. Not to mention NONE of the grands came to see Mama...what else is new...they don't care...why do I feel the need to make it happy for them...I make it as pleasant as possible for mama and me and that is enough...and I am glad they are over...I don't think I ever said that before...but I am

Poor guy, Jessie! He just luvs you. :-) (Sorry, I can't help but see the humor in the situation, but I'm sure it's not so funny to you.) I know what you mean, though - it's no fun to have to hurt his feelings and tell him that it can't possibly go beyond friendship.

We never did start up. He has done all the starting on his own. He knows I'm not interested. He even asked me one time if I could ever consider someone 23 years older than myself. I told him only as a friend. I didn't mind him as a friend, and I didn't mind talking to him every week or two, because I know old people get lonely. But I do mind what is going on with him trying to come by uninvited and unexpected. And I do mind the uptick in number of calls. To tell the truth, I really dislike being put in the position that I am going to have to be a bad guy and hurt his feelings. He hasn't really done anything bad; he is just making a pest of himself.

All of us are too hard on ourselves at times. Once when i thought i was the person least likely to provide for my moms health and emotional needs I overheard her telling a hospice nurse i was doing a fine job, leave me the hell alone. Evidently she could feel the strain on the pri caregiver as well as her own turmoil .

Jessie, how on earth did *that* start up? Ah, you're just a shameless vixen, you are. You tempted him with your feminine wiles and he was helpless to resist. Now you're playing hard to get.

Just kidding. I know that must be distressing....how are you going to break the news to him that you're not interested?

Hope, you *deserve* the break and the respite care will be good for both of you. Take it and enjoy whatever break you can get.

I'm going to be doing some serious cleaning and un-decorating today. The house is not terribly dirty, but I just feel the need to do it. There's a lingering, underlying smell of B.O. in here that is driving me nuts - and I know it's from Mom. She needs to shower again, but it's a toss up as to whether she does it today or tomorrow - we do our family breakfast tomorrow, so I'd like her fresh and clean for that, but there's no way she'll shower 2 days in a row (heaven forbid). So I'll clean, light a scented candle, mop the floors and maybe open a window or two for about an hour to air things out. It's in the mid-40s today - won't kill us to let a little air in. (Of course I'll do it in another room and while she's sleeping and covered up so she doesn't get cold.) We have someone from a homecare agency coming in a couple of days to do an evaluation on Mom to see what kind of care we need, so I need to get things in order for that, and need to make a list of what I think we'll need. I don't need help every single day, but I'd like to get back to seeing my grandkids once a month like I used to, before Mom got so bad - I'd like to be able to go and not worry about her and have to come rushing home so she's not alone for too long - and for when I go see my son. I haven't seen him in 1.5 years because of being here with Mom - last time I went, I asked family to check on her....but they didn't. I can't let that happen again - so I'm going to hire someone.

She's kind of dazey and restless again today. She sits in her chair and seems uninterested in much of anything but watching tv. I get her up to walk so she gets some movement in, and she's struggling to walk very far. So she lays down for a nap and plays "cricket" the whole time she's laying there, rubbing her legs back and forth on the bed. The sound is maddening, but I know she can't help it.

Going to have to get a new lift chair for Mom. The one I bought her when I moved in quit working and the parts aren't available for it - the darn thing opened up and wouldn't close! We had to remove the hydraulic unit and power unit from it to get it to close, and now it's just a stationary chair. She's having a harder and harder time getting up from it. (That's what I get for buying one from an online company reputed to sell inferior quality merchandise - which I didn't find out until after the fact...unfortunately. Thought I was getting a good deal on it - NOT.) Live and learn.

Hope everyone got through the holiday ok and is recovering. I actually feel a *lot* better now that Christmas is over. The whole thing is just so stressful anymore. Mom enjoyed the gifts I got her, though, and it was nice to see she was happy with them.

Sigh. There's an 85-yo man who is calling me more and more. He also tried to come by my house last Monday, but couldn't find it. He called and said he was lost, and I told him it was not a good idea to come and no, I didn't want the flowers. The man can barely walk and shouldn't be driving. He has tried to call me every day since then. I don't answer.

No, he doesn't have dementia. And there is a woman who is his own age who is interested in him. He told me she was too old. I wanted to ask him what he thought he was.

Gosh, I hate to hurt old people's feelings, but this has to stop. The man is getting very close to death now, so I can't imagine what he might be thinking. I wonder if he thinks that if he can win this "younger" woman, that it might return some of his youth to him. I don't know why so many older men are looking for younger women when the women who are looking for them are their own age.

Hope you don't know that all your efforts mean nothing to her. She may not seems to be aware but inside her head she may be reaching out. Once when i was bleeding and going into unconsciousness and could not communicate. I kept saying in my head Tell M (my husband) over and over again till I finally lost consciousness. My point is that you don't know what Mama is saying in her head.
Don't try too hard just be yourself be the person your Mama loves and appreciates all the effort of caring for her.
Don't hide from her that you are tired and need a break.
Explain the respite honestly. You know she will be taken care of professionally and she will be returned to you safe and sound. Many hugs dear Hope.

And one thought that does hit me, one fo the definite positives that is coming out of this is that my brother and I are finally getting back on track, really close the way we used to be....that means an awful lot to me...maybe it does to Mama as well....I am thankful for that....

Thanks Jeannette :). I am trying but I am really understanding a lot more when I remember older folks when I was a little girl talking about this person or that one being better off when they left. And you are right, it is going to be so hard when I lose her...but this is hard as well. And again, it does indeed all depend on whose outlook on which day and so on and so forth....Reading CM's comment, the SIL who thinks you can make someone happy if you try hard enough.......all I can say is....NO YOU CAN'T......not with this disease....I have always leaned towards being kind of pollyanna"ish" in my thinking of believing if I did enough it would make a difference...well, I put on my "do as much as I can as well as I can do it and if you really do it will make a difference" britches and guess what....it does not work. I have tried, and tried and tried...I have hauled out the holly , trimmed the house, made the goodies, all of it knowing she could not even eat them, but just hoping if she saw and heard me "enjoying Christmas" then she would be happy...didn't work...I even fixed Christmas cards and wrapped gifts sitting next to her using the little roll away table we use and guess what...didn't matter.....meanwhile, I just keep getting puffier and puffier and my hair keeps falling out and I know she cannot go on forever in this state and yet I don't want to lose her but she looks so unhappy, in spite of my best efforts, my best jokes, best show tunes, best everything...none of it seems to make one bit of difference...all I can hope is that somewhere way back where I can't see it it does matter to her....I just can't see it....

Yes, I am thankful for my brother...he actually went to the mall and picked out some things for me that he knows I love and they were specifically picked out FOR me BY him...and that really meant a LOT to me...so much more than he will ever know...but I let him know it anyway...

Anyway, I'm still here, and even though I am almost afraid to do it, I think I am going to do the respite thing again as soon as they can arrange it so I can try to pull myself back together. The last and only time I have done it I was running the whole time moving my home and so didn't get any rest then...so this time maybe I can actually have a little down time. I love her, but I think I need to do it before this does me in....also she can probably use the break from me....

CM I think you need to take Mums mood home, give it a good wash in some Woolite and hang it in the fresh air to dry so you can return it all nice and fluffy. Glad she is holding her own. Hugs

Ladee M you should have looked her straight in the eye and said "What are you nuts?"
Time to take a few Sunday nights off! Once school is back in that is.

LadeeM, I thought I was giving some pretty lame presents this year. Your client's family has just made me look good. I am… sort of… grateful??? But I don't think you need to be - here are best, best wishes for a good 2015 for you instead. How are you doing?

hey hope! I am so SO happy to hear from you! Stop being so hard on yourself sweetie, you are doing your best and... I personally and very proud of you for hanging on this long. You are much stronger than you think you are. Tell me, what would you consider worse. A parent who non stop talks smack to the tv (sundowners) for hours and you are no longer able to watch an entire show or the silence? Either way it is hard. One has an edge over the other but it all depends on what day it is and who's edge. It sucks no matter what and I am inclined to believe it might suck worse when they leave us. (((hugs))) Kudos to your brother :) at least he came by bearing gifts and kind words. Mine stopped by and said they'd be back on Christmas with a turkey. Mind you, I was FINE spending it with mom n the puppies... they didn't show up nor did they call. Something I said or did must have upset them and it left me with the feeling of the "other shoe" is about to fall.

Susan, at least you spent it towards something you'd enjoy! and and... you get a cabin to yourself? So jealous :/ man, this makes me really want to find a way to get an entire weekend away at a cabin alongside the river. Just me n by big pibble and my fishing pole.

Fresh pnuts sounds pretty tasty right this moment :)

My whine moment is actually a hangover from yesterday evening. Lovely SIL, the psychiatrist, was advising me about mother and said "...and we just need to make sure her mood doesn't dip…"

She was being so sweet, but I did wig out a bit at that. How on earth am I supposed to do that, for heaven's sake? She's hemiplegic, she can't see out of her left eye, she can't even have a drink of water unless it's got gloop in it - what exactly am I supposed to say that is going to perk her right up, then, eh?

But that is this SIL all over - convinced that if you try hard enough and you work hard enough and you sacrifice enough you can make people happy. In spite of repeated experiments with her own mother. She is a loving, sweet woman and I'm sorry I snapped at her.

I did end up spending *some* of the money on me. I used part of it to make a partial payment on the cabin I'm renting when I visit my son in January. I'm only able to stay over the weekend, but at least it's something. So even if it wasn't a tangible "thing" I bought myself, it was definitely something for me. I realized the payment on that was due this weekend, and thought, "Well, there ya go..."

Susan, did your client include a note saying "You're a star! - buy something useful for your mother xxx"?

No. Didn't think so. Buy something nice for you. If they'd thought you were going to spend it on chair pads they'd probably have kept it in their petty cash box and not bothered.

PS Get something you actually want, rather than just looking out for something to spend the money on. The more upmarket, better-made version of something I was going to buy anyway works for me.

Ya H2H, so was I !!!!!

That's really unbelievable Ladee... I'm speechless...

Just had to share what the family I work for gave me for Christmas.... a zippy bag with fresh pnuts !!!! UH HUH........ I am rarely rendered speechless, but truly did not know what to say..... and I know the look on my face was a Kodak moment.... soooooo, Merry F;n Christmas to me.... and yes, I am whining...

Hope, we're always happy to hear from you - and we all have our various complaints or whines, don't worry about that. Some days I feel like I have more whines than I should post, other days not so much. Just depends on the day.

Hang in there. We're here for you. :-)

meant caregiving "aging" us..not again us....I am loopy

Well, the holidays have come and gone. And that's about all I have to say about that...I think the dementia is finally settling in big time on my Mama and she rarely speaks anymore..just likes here and stares at me. stares, stares, stares...it is heartbreaking. It has been so long since I have commented on here because I feel like I whine so much most folks don't need to hear my complaints, which I don't mean to be complaints but which sound that way nonetheless. I guess now is when I am going to get a good dose of what it is truly like to be a caregiver for someone who is not only totally bedfast (going on over a year now) but also now pretty much non conversive...Mama has always been such a lively and sweet lady, I am not meaning this as complaining about her at all...it is just so totally mind numbing to see her this way....I noticed a lot of comments about caregiving again us...oh wow, I don't need to even go there. I have always been one of those whom everyone thought I was ten or more years younger than I actually am..NOW however, I look at least ten years older...Looking at the last decent pic I had just before all this started, I look more like that persons mother or grandmother than I do that person....

On a happy note, my brother came and he and I enjoyed a few hours on Christmas Eve, he also brought me a very nice present this year and told me how much he appreciated everything I was doing for Mama so that was a really positive thing to hear for me...It is so hard to express myself when I don't want to lose Mama, but I want her to be happy and enjoy her life....seeing her the way she is it is so hard to tell if she is happy, sad, mad, you name it...no emotion, just blank staring..and yet her physical health is apparently excellent....as hard as I knew it would be, it is now gut wrenching to see someone I love so much be captive to a monstrous mental infirmity from which she cannot be brought back....

and so now the holidays move into those barren winter months....and the clock just keeps on ticking....

Sometimes I wonder why my parents think the way they do... both are still sharp, but Dad has some short term memory issues but its workable.

This Monday I will be taking my parents back for a second meeting with the Elder Law attorney to update their Will, Trust, POA's, etc. Dad had a ton of homework to do for this meeting.

Yesterday Dad said that his previous attorney will be mad at them. Me: mad at you for what reason? Dad: for changing attorneys. Me: your previous attorney was your real estate attorney so why would he be mad that you are going to an Elder Law attorney? Dad: because we aren't using him. Me: Dad he probably doesn't even remember who you are, you hadn't seen him in over a decade, plus he probably retired.

My Dad never knew that there was a specialty of *Elder Law*. I am just so relieved that my Dad likes this Attorney because the Attorney is a [ahem] woman. My parents are very old school, they think women can't be doctors, lawyers, CPA's, Mayors/Senators, etc. But there are times I think my Dad wants to go back to his previous attorney.

Litdogtoo, I had to smile when I read "they don't realize Christmas comes on the 25th".... that sounds so much like my sig other's grown daughter.... here he and I make an effort to get all their gifts to them days before the 25th [they lived out-of-state].... but not her, she waits until two days before Christmas to mail us our gifts paying mega bucks for overnight delivery... sometimes the cost of mailing is more than what the gift is worth. That in itself rattles my sig other as he feels that is such a waste of money, thus he doesn't enjoy the gift at all :(

@freq flyer - You wrote: "Whomever said that 60's is the new 50's, or 50's is the new 40's, that person never had been a Caregiver :P"

Ah, but look at the good side, they will be called to do so or will become victims of having to be cared for. My 'children' tell me they're busy, don't want to see nana 'like that'. One is in another country for Christmas, but is afraid to fly (that's a good one) and the list goes on. The youngest has her M(F)IL coming up and she owes them big because they are caring for her babies while she has to work. So, I visit my mother, bringing the 'gifts' they send, telling her we'll call them. Gift's come late because they don't realize Christmas comes on the 25th of each year. One wonders what would have happened had Santa not come each and every Christmas.

I wheel her outside so she can feel the sun on her face and smell some fresh air. She's happy with so little whereas many of us need so much.

I once Googled the number of adult children who keep in touch with their parents/grandparents, and some of the anecdotal figures were as high as 50%.

@Captain - don't feel bad about your sons not calling--those who don't call their parents probably don't deserve them. I never got along with my mother, and in many ways, still don't, but I always called her and felt the duty to care for her.

I know what you mean. I look 10 years older and feel 20 years older than I did when I moved in with my parents 5 years ago.