My "whine moment today." What's yours?

@freq flyer - he would have noticed if you had locked the door :)

I'll bet the doors look nice. I've been thinking about doing that but darned, I'm just too tired to even call someone. Last week both toilets were leaking (and today I got the bill from the water department which stated there was a 'leak alert'....a little late for that. Anyway, they were 'running' off and on at least since April when I brought my mom down here...just was way too tired to have a plumber in to fix them.

I'm still trying to figure out where that line was from "okay, I'm somewhat 'older' but still viable to "gees, when did I get old'?

JeanetteB, ah but we aren't throwing away our Jeeps.... mine will be 19 years old in April, and still drives and looks [almost looks] like it rolled off the show room floor :)

Speaking of not noticing anything, I had brand new locks and door handles placed on door exterior doors yesterday afternoon. One door now has a lever handle instead of a round door handle plus a bolt lock that never was there before... you'd think my sig other would have noticed when he opened that door last night? Sigh.

@57win - I'm laughing at your dad's 'thinking'. The lamp is my mother's room has the cord switch and every single night she'd say the same thing, "I can't shut this light off, there's no (what she wanted to say was switch but couldn't think of the word). Before her fall, I was looking for a lamp with a switch she could use.

Pam, sorry to hear about your mom. I do suppose when they get that age they can pretty much make their own willful decisions ;)... my mom has that DNR and MOLST on file as well. If nothing else they make those heart wrenching decisions easier. My dad didn't have one... his pleasing eyes where my only source. He did not want to stay in the hospital, wanted to die at home in peace not hooked up nor drugged up. He did.

Katie, I am from FLORIDA!! and now live in the PNW... sure it cold here, no sunshine, no support. Everyone I know is in FL and I get to see all their pictures on FB showing me fun/sun and happy faces! Mars just might be nice, at least it will be AWAY!

Funny story. I was in BestBuy the other day. My 5 year old laptop did the blue screen of death a year ago so I bought a new one. Well, the dogs were playing, it fell, broke the screen so I took it back to be fixed. They said it's too expensive to fix and gave me store credit to replace it. Cool. SO... I gave my son the blue screen of death one so he could put a new hard drive in it. We asked for the repair cd's. Uhm, they don't make em anymore... the guy said they were "old and obsolete" and they've been tossed. What did I say? I said, as a society we throw away our elderly since they are old and obsolete also... Ohmagod you could have heard crickets for 5 minutes and the geek squads mouths had dropped open so far the crickets could have flew right in and nested. Phbt!

JeanetteB. It must be something in the air that is making men act clueless these last 2 days. Today my husband is doing the job complaining thing, and yesterday when I mentioned the cold ugly weather here the physical therapist had to brag about going to FL.....I haven't had a vacation in years! Just one night away would be so wonderful but can't happen as I am an only child and the only caregiver. Someplace nice might as well be on Mars! You would think that people who come into homes where caregivers are stressed and tired could keep quiet and tone down the bragging about going on vacation.....arrrrghhhh! Yes....I will be glad this day is over!

Book, I will never get used to it, resign myself to their total lack of consideration, yes, that is how I feel. Resigned. A weekend away? Ohmagod what in the world is that? I don't think it would matter if I slept in my truck 2 nights with my big pibble. I would be AWAY! See? Weekend away? Why can't these people understand the hell it is to sit here day in/day out watching your loved one die. It's been less than 2 years since daddy passed, almost killed me...he died of Kidney cancer, a horrible death... now mom and AD. Some siblings are just thoughtless worthless people in my opinion. When my brothers left yesterday I made some comment on how mentally/physically tired I was as mom heath deteriorates. His comment and I will quote him "Yeah, she's worse every time I see her'. YOU THINK? Months go by without him seeing her... and I know I look like I've been beat up and left to simmer.....I live within 2 hours of the Oregon Coast, it is breathtaking watching the storms come in. They have mid week specials where you can rent a one bedroom condo ON THE COAST for 49.00 a night. My brothers work seasonal so during the week shouldn't be a problem for them or my SIL who doesn't work. I dream of spending an uninterrupted weekend away. Heck... I will eat from the dollar menu to save money or buy a loaf of bread and make pb&j's.

Why is it, that we apparently have to have a complete melt down before they will help out (usually lasts only a week though)? For me it's more than irritating how they pretend to be something as soon as an outsider visits... it's up there on the highest level of audacity there ever could be. Ever heard the old saying "I'd rather eat shit with the chickens"... well, I'd rather eat shit with the chickens than ask them for anything again ever in life. Seriously, I would.

I'm rambling... up 3 times between midnight and 7. Seems like as soon as I fell asleep she was up tottering around. I cannot lift her up, thank God Josh was here for that short week... he had to lift her many times, haha, one night I closed my door and just let him deal with it. He did. He even helped her in the bathroom, bless his heart. Not as if I gave him a darn choice either. Grrr.

Seriously, there HAS to be a solution to this respite dilemma so many of us face. Either our siblings are complete morons or we are an only child which leaves it all on our shoulders. If WE are tired and unhappy it is so hard to be 100% taking care of our loved one.

Jessie, yes, at least she's trying. Like you said, most people don't.

I'm looking into long term care insurance this week. I will cut Directv off, eat beans, drink water and go without whatever, just so long as I can get this insurance so I do not have to depend on anyone to take care of ME and no, they don't need to be concerned if I leave them anything in my will either. Phbt.

Wait... one more whine since I'm whiney today. I told my oldest bro of the sound the Jeep was making. Now he's on his way out of the house, standing right next to it... do you think he'd ask to hear it? Offer to HELP? Look at it? Anything... of course not. He jumped in his truck and was off on his merry clueless audacious happy/dumb way. phbt.

Hope everyone is having a better day!!! Like they say, this too shall pass.

Took Mom to see her primary MD on Friday. Mom had another small stroke on Jan. 7th. The ER kept her 12 hours and released her at 1 AM. She agrees to go to the ER, but then she won't let them treat her or keep her. So now she has a MOLST form, with a DNR and other limitations. She does NOT want to be "hooked up to machines" Doesn't want a pacemaker, no IV's, no intubation , no feeding tubes. Announced " I think I'll be leaving at Easter. "
I'm not sure if that is a premonition or a willful decision. I suppose at 87 she could decide to go, eh?

Ah, stay-at-home Mom with young kids... I never had children so I don't understand but...

I always wonder why did these Moms/kids show up at McDonalds around noon when us working stiffs had only a few minutes to dash in, get our order, and dash back to the office. Kids can change their orders a half dozen times x three kids. Or did the Moms want to be around more adults :)

I always wondered why did these Moms/kids show up again during lunch hour when we had to vote.... a gym filled with restless kids waiting for their Moms to vote usually got stares from those of us looking at our watching wanting to get back to the office. Couldn't these Moms come around 3pm?

Any time I would take my parents to McDonalds or to vote, I did it off hours. Parking and waiting in line was so much easier for everyone.

BTW, I tried to suggest using the bathroom early, but she doesn't have to go until she stands up to go to dinner.

The young woman is really very sweet. It may be that her 3 kids put her into sensory overload, too, so she doesn't remember that 5:00 is dinner hour.

While I'm complaining about dinner hour, I may as well add another. For the last few months my mother has had to use the bathroom right when dinner is ready. It has gotten to take her 15-20 minutes to get it done. By that time I am finished with dinner. I am starting to realize that she is doing this on purpose so that she can have the kitchen to herself and eat dinner alone in front of the TV. It is okay. I stopped waiting for her, since I don't like cold food.

You know, I have thought a lot about it, and I think the thing about visiting for me is that people do not come here to "be with us"...they seem to come out of some sense of guilt...they do not seem genuinely concerned about Mama and certainly about me...other than my one cousin who sadly totalled her car and may no longer be driving now ...and my two aunts...now when they all visit, it FEELS like they truly love to see us...and want to be there...The time flies by and too soon it is time for them to go...also they NEVER overstay and never come around the busy times....these have also told me to call them at any time now that Mama is so frail and they can see it as well...they even told me that they feel awful about not having been here for me and for her....one even told me they knew they had not been here nearly enough...soooo, finally I'm good with all of them....now, the rest of the pop ins...they do just that, pop in at whatever time, usually need to go to the bathroom and they don't stay much longer than the time it takes for all of them to go to the bathroom, then they toss out a few obligatory questions.. How are you holding up???? You look worn out...are you taking care of yourself???? blah blah blah...always looking at their watches...always letting me know they were on their way to this or that and thought they'd stop by...so these visitors can just keep going when they get close to me...also, what is it with people that don't understand not all elderly people have trouble hearing...Mama can hear as well as I can and better than a lot of folks and when people visit they stand beside her bed and yell at her....or want to poke her...I personally just want to slap the $**t out of those...sooooo in summation, the cousin...the two aunts and uncles...even brother...yes, all of you are very welcome and appreciated...the rest of the bozos can just keep moving...

Maybe she comes at 5 hoping they will be invited to share dinner????????????
Kids always send me into sensory overload. I have always done better with the elderly (before I became one) now I really appreciate the company of younger - not young- people. Agressive young women scare me.

I love visitors, but Mom doesn't get many. I get even fewer. :'( Poor me. Ah, well...

One of the people who visits my mother is young with children. Her children are not so well behaved, so when she visits, both Mom and me end up a nervous wreck from the loud, unruly kids. For some reason, some people think that old people actually like having a lot of kids around.

Another thing about this person is that I've told her I cook dinner for my mother at about 5:00. She has really not grasped that some old people like to eat early so they can get their baths, watch TV, then go to bed at an early hour. So this person calls us or visits at what time? 5:00. She is a stay-at-home mother with a whole day to work with. Why does she call or visit at a time that is most disruptive to us? She doesn't seem to remember that 5:00 is my mother's dinner hour.

The bad thing is that my mother doesn't like this person much and the kids drive her crazy. I like them fine until the kids get wound up, then I go into sensory overload. What I feel like is that I am accommodating them so she can do her job visiting an elderly lady. Then I feel bad that I don't appreciate her efforts more. Most people don't even try.

Well, I guess no one is perfect. At least this young person is trying.

When it comes to physical therapists, they will push to that person's limits..... that is how they get that person to be physically stronger. If the patient doesn't feel a bit sore the next day, then the PT wasn't doing his/her job.

Jeanette, Bookluvr, Dee and Katie!!! Amen, Amen, Amen to all of you! I so agree with all you are saying. That has always been oh so noticeable to me as well. NO ONE had a clue that brother and sister in law were not giving me regular help and breaks until I finally just started telling them. I feel like I repeat myself a lot sometimes on here so forgive me but my world is so tiny now I think I forget that you have all heard it before...and lived it as well....but it is amazing how he does show up the best when folks come and then he is making a big production and if I were in the other folks shoes I would assume he is here all the time, merrily helping and letting me go off for the weekend...one of his high school buddies popped in last summer and of course his ex MIL was here...all pop ins and yes I was in my pj's, I saw the high school buddy coming and I told brother I was going to my room and he could entertain the company...and I could hear the visit through the door and you would have thought he was here all the time helping...the friend told my brother to be sure he gave me a LOT of breaks and help me as much as possible and of course the brother said..OH I DO!!! hahahahahahahaha.....

The last time I was away from here overnight was April 2012....so almost three years now...other than that, the ONLY time Mama has been in respite, I spent that entire week moving and only one of those days I did have brother help me...thank God for that...the other days I rented a smaller van and went back by myself because I had so much to move and could not possibly do it all in a few hours...

Anyway, no one other than a few folks even knows that I have no help......people are always bragging about how smart my SIL is how hard she works, how clean her house is, they have never seen anyone work as hard as she does..blah blah blah...and yet, she does not work, spends her week at her home on the lake in one town or at their vacation home on the other lake (WHICH USED TO BE HALF MINE...another story for another day) and does nothing but exactly what she wants to do all day all night....goes right past our street several times a week, and yet has not been to see Mama in OVER THREE YEARS ...It's maddening.

Even a phone call once a week to just chat would be great...she used to do that all the time...I used to think I had done something wrong..I have decided now that she is just selfish and does not want to be bothered...emotionally or financially, so they have just left it on me to handle. and that is what i have done all these years...and the wounds are deep and the scars are deeper..but what do you do...??? When I think of getting away, I dream of driving up the east coast on a leisurely trip, stopping along the way here and there wherever my heart strikes me ...in reality, I would welcome getting a room at the nice Inn down the road just have ONE WEEKEND of being able to live in my pj's and drink coffee, watch movies and sleep....that isn't going to happen either....

Katie...I totally get NEEDING to know when folks are coming because like your Mom, my Mama has constant and horrible bouts of diarrhea and so I have to change her frequently and I can tell when she needs it again because she becomes cranky and restless...totally understandable...and so I like for her to be nice and clean all the time but especially when people are here because she can enjoy her visits more...but most of the time people just pop in...the hospice social worker and chaplain do it all the time in spite of having been told how I feel about it...but I stuck to it yesterday and kept the curtains pulled until I felt like I could deal with a pop in, but I'm guessing if they came they saw the curtains pulled which they do know means NO VISITORS THANK YOU VERY MUCH....

And Sunday's oh Sundays..the ONLY day of the week and I actually get a whole HOUR that day, sometimes even an hour and a half to do whatever I want to do. Of course I never know when he is coming, so most of the time I am not ready..the times I have been ready he did not get here til late, brought the granddaughter and could not stay...so can't win for losing...

oh well, what's a caregiver to do???

I agree with the pop in visits. With me it is the physical therapists who pop in without setting the appointment first, or the woman physical therapist I had for my Mom that would play games and show up a half hour late....then next time a whole hour early! (there were other issues with her so I have a different one now.
My 92 yr. old Mom has fecal incontinence and often diahrreah from having had radiation for abdominal cancer 12 years ago...one of the side effects, and she is sometimes going continually and the best way to get her ready for the PT sessions is to clean her up a half hour to 15 min. beforehand. I deal with this all day everyday several times a day. It is imperative that someone tell me when they are going to come here! I also don't understand that the PTs don't take her age into account...they act like she is 72 not 92 and very frail.

Hi everyone. I'm new to this discussion. Finally a place where folks actually "get" it! It really irks me when family just pops in unannounced. Not that it happens often - usually just around Christmas. But it irritates me because on the weekends I sometimes just hang out in my pjs and try to read or watch TCM and someone will just pop in. I take care of mom in her home and work full-time. No one helps me or will answer calls for help. Whatever. As long as they come to see mom. My poor mom. How about you phone her once a week and come more regularly? Announced?

Jeannette, get used to it. When mom's siblings would come to visit the house, my brother and wife were so fast to run over here, sit down and act like they've always been hanging around here. They fooled the aunties/uncles for years. Until one day, I was so stressed out, I met 2 of my aunties in Kmart. I vented everything. They were shocked that bro/SIL were not helping at all. I looked them in the eyes and said that when visitors come to visit, both of them quickly come to our house. Other than that, they have nothing to do with us. And it doesn't help that bro/SIL tells everyone that they're the ones taking care of the parents by subtlety. So when mom passed away, the aunties/uncles chipped in the money. Then they came to our house, called me over to them, and gave me the money. Because I was both bedridden parents' main caregiver now, they gave me the money - to help with fixing up the porch, etc.. to prepare for the funeral crowd when they come to our home for the meal. It's very irritating how our siblings make it seem to everyone that they are helping us, isn't it?

As for respite, I know what you mean about using our spare hours to do errands/shopping instead of for US. Therapist told me that respite for me is NOT doing the shopping/errands. Respite for me - is for me only. I'm still trying to figure out how to do that. I have to do those stuff when I have someone watching dad. No one else is going to do it.

I need a weekend away from here. I just don't really have anywhere to go to do that without spending money. I tried doing that as a guest with fave sis' house. But my weekend was not as restful as I would have preferred. Ideally, I would love to rent a room at one of those oceanfront hotels, walk around the garden, grab a book, sit under a tree and just listen to the waves. And try to ignore those red ants biting me, the hot sun beating down so that I'm sweating. So, I'll find an excuse to go to the shop and buy 2 scoops of ice cream or yogurt and eat inside with the air con. Then, sit in the lobby and people watch. Tired? Go up to my room and just lie down while reading some more. That would be my ideal weekend without having to buy an airline ticket.

I'm with you Jessie, that sweet smell gags me.

Well, I'm bummed. Took my son to the airport today... the silence is deafening. The feeling of loneliness has already hit me again. Sure it was a lot more work and less sleep while he was here but I had someone to actually converse with. I really need to figure things out here... this is making me not an emotionally well person.

Now for some really weirdness. My oldest bro saw that my son was visiting and made an appearance this morning before I took Josh to the airport, wow... he even offered to watch mom so I didn't have to drag her on a hour r/t drive. Haven't seen him in months and heaven forbid my son leaves after a week and they made no appearance which would mean everything I say about them TRUE! ...anyway, got back and both brothers where here eating pizza. They can't bother to see their mother for months, can't bother to give me a break, yet someone visits and they're all like... ohhh, just ask and we'll do anything. Uhm... yeah sure, whatever.

Why am I so lonely? I get 9 hours of respite a week. Granted half is used to run errands, prescriptions, grocery shopping, car repairs... the other half I take my dog for hikes. I'm not out really doing any socializing, haha, I think I have forgot how to communicate with live in front of my face people. sigh

Choke. Gasp. What is it about older people and air fresheners? Don't they know a little dab will do ya? Too late to close the vents now. The rooms have already been fogged.

I should maybe think about the recliner extevsers for dad but they may end up hidden somewhere in his room. What I need to find if a good quality end table lamp with a pull chain to turn off and on. The one I have the on off is on the cord so dad unscrews the light bulb. Or find The clapper.

Ah, some males and grocery shopping.... it's their job to *drive* us women folk to the store and sit in the parking lot while it's our job to *grocery shop*.

My Mom use to come with me back when I actually would go inside the grocery store. I use to try to shop for my groceries while Mom had her cart and would shop for hers. But then I noticed that Mom would be pulling products off the shelves to see up close if she had the correct product but if it was the wrong item she was not replacing the items in the right spot, that's when I realized how bad her eyesight was, so sad... thus I had to give up my own shopping because I was busy re-shelving groceries :(

Then I tried to get Dad to come grocery shopping with us... he would come, get a cart, and disappear within the store. I wanted him to help Mom. Found out Dad hated grocery shopping.... no kidding, Dad, so do I.... he was surprised because he thought all women loved to shop.... NOT !!

Got to get that helmet back out.

I think they 'may' help if started earlier in life, i.e., 50 ha ha ....but I do note vitamin companies are starting to add these to their repertoire.

Yes, I know they believe whatever the doctor says is God's Truth. I've had to tell my mom the same thing. She has lost her sight in the right eye and her left has about 20% light coming in.

But "I can see"

And darned if she can't! She, too, managed so well until she was out food shopping by herself (my son would drive her and wait in the parking lot...I do NOT know what HE was thinking, but that is for another WHINE).

She would go in by herself!!!!! (I did not know this) ...anyway, a lot of her food was absolutely ridiculously not for her because she just couldn't read the label and the supermarkets are always changing around their aisles. Some of the stuff I found was kind of funny.

I'm thinking of wearing a baseball cap...maybe I put on a Patriot's hat (my home state) to see if anyone takes a shot at me. On second thought, maybe not. Too many nuts out there.

Litldogtoo, in my humble opinion I am not sure if those eye vitamins will do anything for those who are in their 90's and already have macular degeneration. Both my parents think if they take said vitamins, at the request of their eye doctor, that eventually the macular will go away.... I had to explain several times to them that I believe the vitamins are to help to keep the macular from getting worse quicker.

Dad was concerned that what would happen if his other eye has seeing problems... what would he do???.... well, Dad, Mom has had that for over 5 years now and she's managing to run the household with very limited sight... I heard a pause... then Dad said "she does?".

Where is my helmet !!

Pouring down rain today but Mama is still doing remarkably well...her appetite has come back and she is still chatting off and on. I am almost in shock I think...after months of seeing her seemingly deteriorate and the last few weeks it truly appeared she was beginning the process of passing (even the nurse thought so) she has suddenly started getting stronger again....I guess this goes along with alzheimers? I am just so thankful to be able to talk with her again. It felt like I had already lost her, and now I have been given a tremendous gift....so I am just very very thankful today and enjoying a cozy rainy day with her. Since it's pouring down I don't feel guilty for now busying myself outdoors...I think they are even talking snow tonight?? wow...for the south that is pretty amazing... :)

One small whine, I feel guilty for even whining...BUT....the chaplain called day before yesterday on his way to our home...had not called prior at all..and my aunt and uncle who have been unable to visit for some time had just gotten there. I told him it was not a good time for a visit and so he told me he would be out our way again tomorrow (yesterday) so he would come then if that was ok. I told him that would be fine....He never came and never called. Now this morning I see he is calling again...I didn't answer the phone and have pulled the curtain...I have been busy in the house, am still in my loungewear and don't feel like a visit today...looked for one yesterday...I don't know why this bugs me so much but it is the revolving whine for me...dropin social workers and chaplains...who, of all people, I would think would know better....Is this just me??? I think it must be.....I don't see folks complaining about this the way I do...sorry for the whine, it's just a lifelong thing with me, people who don't come when they say they are...and then just think they can drop in on a seconds notice when you're not looking for them...

Freq Flyer - I have to ask ... (my mom has macular degeneration ((the good kind, which always kills me, I mean, what good can come out of AMD?) )

She has the eye vitamins, too. I just can't believe that eye vitamins help AMD. But whatever. I believe they are 'some' help, but won't cause total eyesight loss if not taken for a few days :)

Occuvite? has come out with the same formula I got at the eye doctor. I know Walmart had them (yes, I was surprised). I'm also thinking any eye doctor will have them on hand.

But then again, you know that.

As for recliner handle extenders--who knew?

Visited my mom yesterday and she showed me the wrist band they put on her. She wasn't happy about that because the 'the thing buzzes' each time she leaves. Nurse told me she was wandering and trying to get out.

Four people now have the flu, up from two, so each patient is receiving Tami Flu. All public areas are closed off. My mom had the flu shot earlier, so I feel a little better about that. Not all that happy I had to find out through another patient that the public areas have been closed down. Did see a notice posted at the entrance yesterday, about a week later.

On another note: I got my haircut for the first time since August 2013. Yes, August 2013. I, who always went six weeks diligently, let it grow, colored it myself, trimmed it myself, etc. It was down the middle of my back and I would pull it up in a 'bun'...The stylist I had for fourteen years was GONE when I got back from mom's state (they owned the salon!) Disappeared. This woman knew my hair. She gave the absolute perfect haircut. It would always, always fall into place.

Needless to say, I'm feeling a bit dowdy here, so a neighbor told me about her stylist to whom I entrusted my head.

I told her "Just get rid of the red"

She did that.

I assumed there would be small amounts of blond along with larger amounts of a darker under-color.

BLONDE.

Almost totally.

I'm afraid to walk the dog lest neighbors see me!

Never Ass/u/me Anything.

Dad ran out of vitamins for his eyes so this morning he woke up not be able to see out of one eye, total darkness [he had macular degeneration in that eye]... so we chatted on the phone about getting the vitamins [he waits until he uses the last pill before asking me to buy him more]... he said he called around to different places but no one wanted to mail the vitamins to him... he guess he will need to take a taxi to get the pills... [sigh]... love the guilt.

I told Dad that if his internet was up and running [apparently his dial-up is no longer available, and he refuses to buy high speed internet] he could have ordered those vitamins on-line on Monday and they would have been shipped to him by Friday.

Oh, Dad's eye is ok now so whatever it was went away. Can't get Dad the vitamins tomorrow as when I get home from work I will be waiting for a locksmith to do work on my house. Told Dad to take some of Mom's eye vitamins, but I bet she won't let him.... she's trying to teach him to plan ahead if he starts running low.

Veronica, I don't know where my parents got theirs. I checked Amazon and they have a variety of them. Just put in "Recliner extender handles" and it will pull some up. My parents' handles are the ones that are looped and work very well.

Jessie where can you get the extender handles?

The old lift chair...before Mama became bedfast, she got to where she literally LIVED in her lift chair. She said it was comfortable as well, and it looked like it fit her body pretty well. She is much shorter than I, but I know when I would sit in it it KILLED my back...but all she ever wanted was a very smooshy pillow in the small of her back and she said she was good to go...One time we had a terrible spring storm and right in the middle of her being "up in the air" in that chair, the power went out...and stayed out for almost a week!!!! By that time she could not walk, so we were stuck as it did not have the manual crank handle...I remember having to pad up up with all sorts of pillows and used a sheet to kind of "tie her in there" to keep her from coming out...she never complained...when the power finally came back on I remember her saying... "Can I come down from here now??" lol....