My "whine moment today." What's yours?

I have gotten quite excellent at ignoring the phone..For one thing, I totally got rid of our land line..period...now all we have is my cell. And everyone who knows us KNOWS that if I am in the middle of something I will NOT answer, nor will I call them back any time soon. Brother's thing is he always calls me right at the time I am changing and feeding Mama and now I just let it go to the v/m and I text him a quick...we're fine. hope you're doing well . I got sick and tired of having to relive the entire day every single day...It was hard enough the first time around

I don't know how telemarketers live with themselves, knowing they are viewed as society's biggest woes. It is a field that, to be successful, you have to be the biggest a$$ on earth. Of course, now they have computers to do the a$$work, so you're talking to a recording. I won't deal with any company that telemarkets. I figure a good company will have people calling them, no vise versa.

I agree with those of you that can not concentrate on work. The constant interruptions from mom make it even harder. I work from home which is a blessing in some ways - BUT not getting a lot of work done these days :( Ditto on the phone!!!!

I have not had this problem at home of my mom being restless too much or pacing. However, when she was at the hospital she was disoriented and angry about being there. She wanted to look for her dogs and she wanted to get dressed and go home and I had to keep telling her that she couldn't go yet and then asking her to please come back, sit down, stop trying to get dressed, etc...VERY draining!! Thank GOD she is calmer now that she is home or I think someone would have to admit ME to the hospital!!! I don't know how I would handle that behavior at home if she was like that here. I would go crazy!!!
It is also interesting and makes me feel somewhat better that I am not the only one who struggles to keep my mind on my work. I was starting to wonder what was wrong with me! I think we are all just overloaded and so therefore it's hard to focus on one particular thing, especially if it has something to do with US.
And speaking of a ringing phone when you are trying to do something.....THAT is when one of my siblings always calls...right when I am trying to serve a meal or do my mom's hair, shower, etc...Then when my mom tells him she can't talk, he actually has the nerve to be mad about it. Uh-oh...Don't get me started on those siblings again!!!
I am happy and determined to have a great day. My mom is doing so much better...she is home from the hospital and that is something to celebrate right there! I hope all of you have a wonderful day today! I hope that everything feels easier for all of you today! Keeping you all in my thoughts!!

I too find it very hard many times to concentrate on other things, work paperwork, books, a TV show, etc. Even now I am looking at the clock and gearing up to get Mom her insulin shot, bath, change, etc. I have a stack of books I would like to read but just cannot find the time or concentrate on much of anything for very long. I am usually running through my head all the things I have to do next. nothing holds my attention for very long.
Another thing that really makes me mad is the phone ringing....it is one thing if it is important or someone I really want to talk to, but often it rings right smack in the middle of a cleaning or changing or tending to my Mom in some way...and then there is no one on the line, or worse, some idiot thinking I am stupid enough to fall for a grant scam telling me they are with some government department,... which I know they are not. Those finally stopped when I told them I know it is a scam. Then I go back to dealing with diarrhea or some other worry. Who needs those phone calls to interrupt us!!??

my whine moment is that my mom does not listen to me she is not walking to good and she keeps trying to walk and falling down guess who has to pick her up ME and she is weighs about 150 I am tired of this and need to get my respite in place ASAP. After that she feels bad and says sorry. and my back and shoulders hurt.

Sally, I work at home. I have a terrible time doing it. I have a lot to do around here. The main problem is the emotional drain. It can be hard to concentrate or to find my muse when I need her. I try to save my creative work for days that the muse is with me and do the less creative things on days when the muse is taking respite. I wish my muse would take me on respite with her!

So I research and search for good purchases on bad days, then take pictures and write on good days. (I sell online.) This is when I'm not tending the rabbits, doing the housework, doing the lawn work, going to the doctors, or shopping.

Hmm... We are truly remarkable, aren't we?

Mine too.

She's had a very full day, a nice warm shower, al her meds and a full tummy
yet the pacing is on.

Just sat her back in her chair had to tell her 10 times to please sit still for a few minutes and try to relax, ha, she told me to just shut the hell up and off she went. had to have a chuckle at that comment since it's been awhile she's been feisty like that!!

Susan, how often is this happening now? Is it more in the early evenings or just an all day thing? Seems like there is something going on with her lately.

Are you asking for yourself or others, Glad?

(Trust me, a lot of us are in the same boat....said as mine pops back up again...yet again....sigh)

Why won't she stay in bed for longer that 30 minutes?!

not a bad day . the finished stone planter box was so heavy it had to be lowered into place with a front end loader and its just a little higher in the egress tank than id have liked but still oughtta look nice with flowering vines draping from it later .
farm foreman brought me about 80 lbs of frozen beef and venison today and is bringing about that much again . im paying him fairly for it but its still worth considerably more than ive given him so far . hes buying a fresh quarter of beef and rotating his freezer stock . i guess crack - ey and i will be canning beef at least all day sunday and thats if she can bring her moms pressure canner . running 14 qts at a time doubles my usual production of only 7 .
its scary having a trade arrangement with a friend because they arent always fair . this is the gal whos car i fixed 3 times back when mom was on hospice and she refused to honor the trade for caregiving respite that we had agreed on , both times i asked . im not the same person i was 2 years ago . if someone jerks me around now i just plain get in their ass about it . im figuring for the free beef crack - ey can help me tidy up around here a bit . my garage and front driveway look like hiroshima after ive completed a couple of building or fabrication projects .

I take my mom to her favorite coffee place every single morning. She LOVES it and I love spending that time with her. However, it does take up a big chunk of time. If I didn't take her there, she would have not much else to do. She is not into going to daycare or getting involved with other seniors. There are always dishes, dishes and more dishes, shopping , cooking, laundry, cleaning, dogs, dogs, dogs...did I mention my mom and her dogs? That's a whole other whine!! ha ha!! My little 93 year old mom has two HUGE Dobermans as her kids. Those dogs have the childhood I wish I had had! They are her whole world besides me. At any rate...I am finding it harder and harder to find time for myself. I'm sorry, but I have to laugh when people say "you must find some time for yourself". Where am I supposed to find that time?

It depends on the day, Sally. As Mom gets further and further into age-related decline and the forgetfulness and resistance to certain activities that goes with it, I'm finding it harder and harder to maintain my work schedule and take care of her at the same time. I'm always jumping up during breaks in my work to do something - run after mom to the bathroom, start a load of laundry, finish a load of laundry, start dishes, finish dishes, clean the floors, let the dog in/out, get mom something to eat, etc. Most days, I don't even get a shower until after 10am, because by the time I get up, I've already got work to do, and Mom wants to eat right away, and then there's all the other morning chores to do. So I wander around in my nightgown until I have time to shower. Not the way I like to start my day, but I'm usually working until after midnight, so getting up much earlier than 7am doesn't work.

Today hasn't been great - as evidenced by my earlier rants (sorry, folks!). It just seems that on my busier days, she needs more attention and care than other days. Or maybe it's just that I'm busier and the interruptions are more of a problem.

I'd *love* it if Mom would go to a senior center or something during the day, but she's not at all interested. I've tried to get her to consider it, but they don't do anything she's interested in there - they play bingo and cards and such - just not her thing. She just wants to sit home and watch tv.

Going to try to get her out for a ride tomorrow - she hasn't been out of the house since the first week of December, and got snappy with me about that tonight - but she's the one that keeps refusing when I offer to take her out somewhere! (sigh) She's going out this weekend whether she likes it or not.

Sally, I'm sorry to say that at least for now I have given up. I raised three children while I was developing my small business, and I sort of assumed (famous last word!) that it would be just as manageable with mother. Well, the last two hour project I had took me a day and a half and I nearly had a heart attack over it. Maybe if your parent goes to day care it might be possible? But the good old days when I could work at night to finish anything I hadn't got done during the day - never thought I'd look back on them so fondly!

Don't take me as an example, though - can you get in help and organise yourself some protected working hours?

Susan, do you find it hard to focus on your work? I am self-employed and have been finding it increasingly difficult to focus on my work. Even when my mom is sleeping, I feel like there are a million things that need doing. Just wondering if anyone else feels that way too?

Sounds like you found a solution, Katnmouse! My problem is that I work from home, and the house is *very* small, so the only place I can put my desk is in the living room, where the TV and Mom are both well within earshot every day, all day long. When she goes to sleep, I usually turn the TV off or turn it on the classical music channel and turn it down low. Days like today, I just put my headphones on and try to focus on my work.

Susan, I moved into the living room on the hide-a-bed almost a year ago. The talking, grunting, humming made me crazy and hubby doesn't need a crazy wife. Also moved the king bed out and got a hosp bed delivered and set up today. Now its twin size linen instead of king size. Yey!!! Happy on the hide-a-bed

Jessie, LOL, too bad I can't take away his Smartphone until he finishes the assignment, oops he doesn't own one.... can't take away the keys to the car.... nor can I ground him because he's already grounded at his age :P

Oh, dear. Are you saying that we CAN compare caregiving elders to raising children? :P

Just a simple whine... my parents visited with their new Elder Law attorney and she gave them homework to fill out paperwork. Well, 6 weeks later I am still after Dad to finish it up so I can scan it to the attorney. Guess it's like trying to get a teen to do their term paper :P

Sorry your having a crappy day Susan... some days are just that way it seems no matter what you're doing.

Stupid rain.

You know what my oldest brother ALWAYS says to me when I tell him what's going on with mom? Ready for this? he says... "Oh, I know". Seriously, that is exactly what he says every single damn time. Oh I know. Just how in the hell does he know anything of what I deal with here, especially during early evening throughout the night. How does he fix his mouth to say that?

Mom has been humming for an hour now. She's never hummed and quite honestly, it's freaking me out a bit. It's nice but it's not normal....

Stoooooopid rain!!!

ping pong.... BOING!!!! How's come we don't have the energy they have? If you ask me it's just not fair!!

Susan..yep, yep and yep.....I long ago starting intercepting Mama's mail and keeping an eye out for the constant donation requests. I almost passed out when, a few years ago once Mama gave me POA over all her affairs and I began seeing how much Mama had been donating was ridiculous...and infuriating...On top of the church ones, when, like you, NO ONE from the church or that side of the family even calls to check on Mama, let alone come to see her, we also receive tons of ones from the #$%@ politicians begging for money and she had given a boat load of money to them...I even called them and let them have it and told them to immediately remove her from call lists, mail lists, every list as they had gotten all they were going to get out of her and they ought to be ashamed preying on the elderly...grrrrrrr.....

Also like you, my brother does not want to hear what I have to say anymore...one time I had a severe migraine headache and he came to house with some second hand crapola they didn't want anymore, and proceeded to "give" it to us (when he had been griping about all the stuff in the house) I told him if he would please ask me before bringing things like this as my head hurt so bad that day I did not feel like dealing with it, he actually had the nerve to tell me that if I would stop feeling sorry for myself my life might improve....that kind of showed me he and I would never be on the same page....

Well, have been in the yard, the sun is beautiful here Jeanette....I will try to send it your way.. :)

And again, the ping-pong ball syndrome is something only another caregiver would understand - like Jeanette. You know exactly what I'm talking about, because your mom does the same thing, but hers is usually more vertical (with the constant pacing) than my mom's, whose is the up-down version. Siblings simply don't understand how frustrating it is not to have more than 10-20 minutes of peace while Mom is sleeping, which is just enough time to get started on something, only to have her pop up out of bed again, needing assistance in the bathroom or wanting something to eat.

ok....I guess I have another whine. Siblings who are legitimately concerned about you, but can't take a hint when you say you don't feel like talking. I get it - they're concerned and want me to talk about what's going on to relieve my stress. What *they* don't get is that they *don't* want to hear what I'm going to tell them. Trust me, they don't. Nothing will change by me telling them how annoyed and frustrated I am today - all it will be is yet another episode of me whining about it and them saying, "That's so sad you have to go through that. I'll pray for you. Sending you hugs." Ugh. That just ticks me off even more when they do that. I know they mean well - I do - I just don't want to hear it today and don't want their pity. It doesn't help or change anything.

Having a rotten day today, and having a sibling pestering me to talk about it is *not* helping. Mom's like a d*mn ping pong ball today - sleeping for 10 mins, up for 30 - sleeping for 20 mins, up for 15 - sleeping for 10 mins, up for 30. She hasn't been down for more than 20 minutes all day, which means my schedule is completely out of whack. Silly me, trying to have a "schedule", right?

GRRRRR. Major whine about Mom and Dad's Catholic church and their incessant requests for money. Every single week for the past 3 weeks, we have gotten a request for a "committment" to how much we will give them this year, because they say they are going to run out of money by June. Mom no longer attends church because it's too hard for her to get in and out of the building, but still donates a little every month out of her meager income. She intends her funeral to be conducted by the priest and at that church when the time comes. Yet, NOT A SINGLE person from that church comes to visit her, calls to check on her, or sends a card. No one. The priest doesn't call to offer to give her Communion on Sundays, doesn't check on her at all - but when it's time for them to hold their hand out for money, they're hounding her by mail. Mom gets all stressed and wonders if we should give more, then says maybe we should fill out the form committing to give a certain amount, etc. I say no - you give what you can already, and they're trying to pressure you into giving more, when they don't even give you a second thought, and won't - until it's time for your funeral.

When I see the next envelope with their return address on it come in, I'm opening it first.

I need to build a boat. Just NON stop rain for days now... days! Seriously, it goes from raining hard to raining harder, which I love to hear at night cuz it's so soothing but not all darn day :/ Guess I will just have to take my big pibble on a hike in the rain today. Those 3 hours of respite are just way too important to waste. I did all the errands and shopping yesterday during my 3 hours so I could sluff off and do what I wanted today... grrr

Hi Sally!... yup, back when I started this thread it was challenging coming up with 3 meals a day, now, it's challenging coming up with nutritious shakes and soft foods that have enough of daily requirements to keep her healthy(ish). haha, I have become a master with the blender... you can emulsify ANYTHING!! Tomorrow I will make another giant batch and freeze it into cubes. That really saves me a lot of work and time... just pop a few into her ensure mix and voila` ... a full days worth of veggies and protein.

The whole sibling thing just amazes me. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine things would end up like this, never. When I made the decision to move clear across the United States to help my parents, being around my brothers was just an added plus. I love my brothers. I do not like how they've behaved and I'm sure they've not liked some of the stuff I've done. This has been traumatizing for all of us, the loss of dad and the rapid decline of mom. I get it and I get over my dislike for them, just wish they could do the same and be more of a team player without me harassing them. For the sake of my sanity and the love of my mother, I am going to start asking them to participate. I was/am one of those people who feel I needn't ask for what is obvious, however, I realize not everyone is in sync with life as others SO... we shall see how this little experiment goes concerning them.

Jessie, oh I noticed how he said he'd give me a break.... 3 - 4 days later. If I resort to pleading for a break it means I need it quickly!!! LOL My biggest problem will be keeping my mouth shut. I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve and they've both told me "I'm too sensitive", so.... hopefully I can be straight forward with what needs done and nothing else. Sad a person has to resort to this with their own siblings. *eyeroll*

Funny thing; All of our tax papers have arrived so I put them all together to take down.... while putting moms jammies on last night, several of crumpled letters fell out of her pants. Really mom? Why are you stashing the W-2's?? LOL!! I would have been frantic if I hadn't found them.

hope, a hammock swinging in the tree's sounds heavenly!!!

One very short thing I will add.....oh how much they are missing out on...yes it gets hard and yes it is scary and sad a lot of times..but the precious moments are so precious it makes every bit of all the rest of it bearable...and I thank God every day I have this time with Mama....and it truly is the only way I would ever be able to let her go when God calls her home, because we have such sweet precious time together now...that is what I will carry with me forever and no one can ever take it away from me....what a treasure that nothing on this earth can ever replace....

Siblings.....ick.....I tell you what, I can't even try to discuss anything with my brother anymore. I finally realized a couple of years ago that he was never going to get it and didn't want to get it. I actually believe they're not as ignorant as they try to act...they just don't want to have to do anything and I think when we start trying to explain anything to them, they are scared witless that they are about to get asked to give up some of their time or money to contribute...it's pointless and I am wasting precious breath even trying with him anymore. I am just trying to focus on being here for Mama to the absolute best of my ability and one day all of them are going to have some hard questions to answer for themselves and it is going to be too late.

We were so very close growing up...had, what I consider to be, the perfect family, perfect life...I always thought we were rich because even though my parents were frugal they worked really hard and KNEW HOW TO SAVE...and yet helped all of their sibilings on both sides and both sets of parents and then when my parents would have loved to have seen them...no one there for them. We get very very few visits from anyone, no phone calls...I will say that two of Mamas baby sisters have been a lot better this past year to come and visit and one of them even called me yesterday "just to sit and chat for a while"...I can't even tell you what that meant to me...I don't ever need people to do "work" for me...I am a pretty tough bird and I have a certain way I like to do things so I would just as soon do it myself...but when all this first began, and we had a ton of medical expenses in the form of copays, supplies etc, (before we were on hospice) I used all of my retirement savings and even resorted to selling scrap metal ....I even found myself picking up wheel covers once i knew the owner wasn't coming back for them...but for me, I was pretty proud of myself because it once again confirmed I am a survivor..I will always be able to do for myself because I feel like I have been through the fire...and all of this was going on and my brother KNEW it and he not one time offered to pay for anything. One time I tired to very calmly address it with him and wow, he blew up like a timebomb...that was not a wise thing for him to do that day and he finally discovered he did not want to mess with me in a game of wits or debates....he got his ears pinned back good that day...he actually showed up with a bunch of groceries that next weekend and I thought..great, finally he is going to contribute...and that was the end of that....hahaha....

The saddest part of all is there has been no conflict or reason for them all to abandon us...I do think my brothers wife is mad at me about some stupid thing that who knows what it is because I have tried to find out..told him I can't fix something if I don't know what i did...After over a year of trying, he finally told me forget it that I had done nothing..ok...so what's the deal with her then? nincompoop selfish hiney on my shoulders woman.....I am so hurt and disappointed in her...She and I were like sisters and Mama and I were always good to her...We thought she loved our family but wow has she proven us wrong. Even stopped coming here for the holidays and so the boys , Mama's grandsons, don't come either...I am fighting everything in me not to "hate"...hate just makes you sick. I have been on my knees many times crying over it and the crying is done now...I can live with what I am doing...If they can then that is between them and God. I know my brother is going to one day regret it..I doubt his goofball wife ever will...

Good grief...sorry for the long winded post...somebody call Dr. Phil.

Thanks Susan! It's good to know that I have a place to come to where I can whine my head off and people will understand me! You are so right. No one could ever understand what this is like unless they experienced it for themselves. Dee, I love my mom too and we are and have been the best of friends. That is the only reason I can hang in there through all of this!!

Susan - you are 1000000% right - NO ONE but a caregiver could understand!

For me, I am soooo grateful I finally found this site. We do hop around on topics a bit, but it's just kinda like texting a good friend that gets where you're coming from. I was pretty isolated for the first 6 years until I stumbled on this site. The folks here are so great. Was questioning myself before - what did I do that no one will help me? Now I know it's not just me. Plus, we get to laugh at each other's stories and witticisms. Bless you all!